Cue the theme!

...

And now we come to that most troublesome of engines. James. Oh James, James James. I hear he's popular with a lot of people back at home. I haven't told him that yet, for fear that his head might swell to even bigger proportions and blot out the sun. We're trying to go relatively softly softly on the whole power thing, so we kind of need the sun at the moment.

Yes, in the time since our last season, James has had his ups and downs. The downs are pretty big. Another failed attempt at a music career )So much so we had to get rid of a lot of his singles before they brought shame upon the Island. Apparently he was thinking that ABBA would reunite just for him. That engine.) and of course the scandal with the talcum powder, of which I will not go into here. His ups have been few but large, we all thought he was going to die when he was asked to open that supermarket for ASDA's. Then there was his brief chat show 'Jamming with James' that apparently got high ratings. That was when we had that power cut on the Island though, so we didn't think much of it.

Personality wise, he's still that same arrogant engine. Still won't shut up about his paint. Or his superiority. In fact, I think he may have actually managed to do the impossible and annoy Gordon with it.

What a engine.

...

The Island of Sodor has many visitors, as has been previously established on a number of occasions, and the Fat Controller, still struggling with gathering together money enough for new engines, had scheduled more trains.

This resulted often in arguments with the other engines, who grew hot and bothered. Emphasis on bothered. It wasn't rare nowadays to see Thomas outright being disrespectful to Edward at Tidmouth Hault, while the other engine seethed with passive aggressive wit bubbling in his boiler.

Gordon the big engine had to work harder than ever before. He made up for this with a lot more complaints coming the way of anyone who even looked at him wrong. Catch him puffing through Wellsworth on a busy day and you would get weeshed in the face. "Come on!" he called harshly to the coaches. "COME ON COME ON COME ON!"

"Do you want us to come on?"

"Don't sass me! The passengers rely on me to be on time!"

"You're the one pulling us."

"SASS! AGAIN! I SHALL NOT HAVE IT! I-"

You get the point.

If he crossed the viaduct, he would vent aloud to the world just how much he needed to be paid for his hard work. The driver and fireman would simply ignore him and just continue working until they reached Knapford.

For whenever Gordon finished one journey, he'd be likely to start another, and the vicious cycle began again.

"Never mind!" he said cheerfully, blissfully ignorant in how this was the way that all of his journeys began. "I like a good long run to stretch my wheels."

"HA!" came the reply from driver, fireman and coaches.

...

Even so, after five days of complaints that were increasing in size, the Fat Controller decided that Gordon needed a rest, and while Gordon put up a token fuss, he promptly fell asleep the second that Hatt was gone.

"James shall do your work!"

"YIPPEE!" said James excitedly. Gordon grunted and began to drift off.

...

James, of course, was delighted to get exposure to a whole crowd of people who had either heard of him only in myths, or newcomers all together. He enjoyed showing off his smart red paint as he rushed through Wellsworth, and rarely talked back to the coaches, meaning that they had a slightly higher opinion of him than Gordon. He was determined to be as fast as Gordon, having trained himself in the intervening years.

And so one day, he puffed up to Toby, feeling full of himself as per usual and grinned. Toby, who was still considering taking up Buddhism to calm his mind, smiled. "James. Nice to see you."

"You know little Toby-"

"Oi, less of the little."

"-I'm a important engine. Everyone knows it! I'm as regular as clockwork! Never late! Always on time! ALWAYS!"

"Says you." muttered Toby. "Even a very, very broken clock is right every so often."

Just then, the Fat Controller arrived, flanked by his bodyguards who were carrying his bags. He looked nervous, and both engines wondered if it had anything to do with finding a replacement pair of trousers, which had vexed him on the previous few occasions. "Your parts are worn Toby! You must go to the works to be mended." He said this in a rush, as if he was desperate to get back to his car and find the nearest bar.

"Can I take Henrietta as well?"

"No. What would the passengers say?"

"Oh no, Henrietta's gone but never mind, we've got James?"

"Shut up James."

...

Toby saw Percy by the water-tower, having a good long drink. "Don't worry yourself!" slurred Percy. "I'll take care of Henrietta."

"Okay, and when you say that, you mean you'll not try and steal her away from me or kill her? Just to clarify, I've had the conversation before and that's generally what the idiot engines I've talked to inferred from it."

Percy raised a eyebrow.

"Don't ask."

Soon Toby was out on the main line, and so as he passed the canal, he began to think on the many deep and important questions life. What was freedom? What was the meaning of life? How far did a driver and fireman control your actions? If a tree fell and no one was there to hear it, did it make a sound? If it did, what kind of sound did it make? Why was there such a long stretch of line that was built on a bank that could send a engine plummeting down to certain injury?

He clanked as he puffed along. He was a little engine with small wheels-

"ENOUGH OF THE LITTLE!"

-and his tanks don't contain much water. He had come a long way already, and he began to feel very, very thirsty as he dared to dream of many things.

In the distance, was a signal. "Good!" He thought aloud. "There's a station ahead! I can have a nice drink and a rest before James passes's. And then i get to endure his taunting." Toby frowned. "Every silver lining has a cloud."

Toby's driver clearly thought so too, so they stopped at the tower and patiently unloaded some of the water into Toby's tanks. He was enjoying his drink, perhaps a little too much, when the signalman ran up. He was new and had never seen Toby before, and he had the attitude of being able to turn excrement into gold, so hadn't bothered to familiarize himself with the engines. Toby's driver tried to explain but the new signalman wouldn't listen.

"We have to clear the line for James's express! You'll have to get water at the next station!"

"But that's ages away!" exclaimed the driver.

"Hey, I don't make the rules."

Toby clanked sadly away from Lower Tidmouth and headed towards the next station. As he crossed the bridge that lay across the entrance to the valley, he tried to ignore the feeling that his tanks were draining fast.

He was right, as hurrying was using a lot of...water? I don't know, at this point I think it's fifty fifty what the water-towers are filled up with. His tanks were soon empty, and he screeched to a stop.

"Well." He said calmly. "That signalman is not making it home tonight."

"Neither are we." pointed out the fireman.

Toby acknowledged this, as he was out of steam and stranded on the main line.

"We must warn James!" said the fireman, as he pulled out a semaphore flag.. Then he saw Percy passing by pulling Henrietta. He waved the train down. "Please! Take me back to the station, it's a emergency!"

Henrietta was sad to see Toby so glum and alone. She hated leaving Toby.

"Never mind, you're taking the fireman to warn James! That's a big help!" Henrietta felt much better, but Toby was not cheered by this.

"See you at home, m'dear."

"Good luck!"

...

James was fuming as per usual. "I'm going to be late!" He raged.

"So what's new?"

"Shut it driver!"

"My fault." said the signalman. "I didn't understand about Toby."

"Damn right it is!" said the fireman, who climbed into the first class coach and was now lounging about. He never got a chance to do this.

"Now James." said his driver. "You'll have to push Toby!"

James was furious, of course. "What?! ME?! ME!? Push Toby and pull my train!? You must be joking!"

...

He wasn't.

...

Grumbling, James set off to find Toby. "STUPID ENGINE!" he roared at random. When he saw Toby, he came up behind him and gave him a bump. "YOU! MOVE! IT!"

"Lovely to see you too."

"GET ON! WILL YOU!?"

James had to work very hard throughout the journey, which was a new concept to the red engine. In fact his paranoid mind was convinced that Toby had done this all as part of a complicated gambit. As he puffed into the station, he moaned. He felt exhausted, as he reached the Works Station-

"Hang on." said Toby frowning. "This is Knapford."

"OH BALLS."

Some children were on the platform. "Coo! The express is late! And it's got two engines! Whatapalavar!" He was a very British boy, that one.

"I think James couldn't pull it on his own so Toby had to help him!"

"Never mind James." whispered Toby. "They're only joking."

"PAH!" snorted James. "HA! HA!"

...

Toby eventually reached the works, though James had to help repeatedly. This added even more so to James's complex, and even more so to Toby's amusement.

Jokes about James being clockwork went on for a long time afterwards. Already, Henry and Gordon had their Christmas present planned. James reacted to this by declaring war on all cuckoo clocks.

But that's another story.