Cue the theme!
...
"How's Angelis settling in?
Well, he's doing all right. He took a bit of time to get used to it, but so did Ringo- Er, Mr Starr. He seems to be most enthusiastic about it. We're going through the new episodes quite fast! Well, he doesn't have to stop to get drunk, or record songs, like Mr Starr did.
Yes, we are getting along.
What episode's next? Uh...the one you entitled 'No Joke For James' and that is episode...eleven!
Right. Shall do. I'll get on it right away.
Thank you Miss Allcroft!"
...
Okay, so the following sentence has been said before. A lot. But, for the sake of argument, let's pretend you've never heard it before and that this is a new and totally unique concept at the moment, kay?
Ahem.
James is a mixed traffic engine. This means he can pull both trucks and coaches. He is brilliant at neither, but is more of a average engine. Which on this railway, meant that you weren't a utter idiot who didn't accidentally send a long line of trucks into the orchard, or swing your coaches into the canal.
He is proud (Again, I know that you know already, but bear with me) of his smart red paint and so is his driver. Sort of, his driver just says it to have a nice and quiet life.
So it was his fault that he came out with gems like "Everyone says you brighten up their day, James!"
This was a lie. Everyone usually said "Oh heck! Here comes that prat in the red coat! I'm off."
James, of course, ignored these people.
...
One morning, in the yard, James whistled loudly at the other engines. This was a bad thing to do so early in the morning, for Thomas had not yet fully awakened and would most likely attempt to bludgeon James in the face.
James, unfortunately, decided to do a very unwise thing and begin speaking."Look at me! I'm the smartest, handsomest, well dressed, most useful engine on the line EVER!" It had been one of those nights where he had been drinking a lot of sugar, and thus was more hyper than usual.
"Rabbish!" said Thomas, affecting James's accent.
"God damn it!"
"We're all useful! Even those two yellow muppets! The Fat Controller says so, and he's Sir Topham Hatt, head of the whole railway!"
Percy and James looked at each other. "Uh, Thomas? We know that."
"The cue cards told me to say that!" Thomas protested. The cameraman smiled sheepishly and tore the rest of his up.
"You know what James?"asked Percy.
"What? Not personally." James laughed.
"You're getting to be a puffed up little tosser!"
James huffed away to Knapford Yards, where he hoped to catch the Sidings open so that he could have a quick drink before heading out in the terrifying unknown. His words, not mine. This plan was scuppered when he noticed that Gordon was already waiting there. But he was still boasting, even after Thomas shunted some trucks and gave a grim look of understanding to the absolutely miserable looking Gordon.
"I!" declared James to Gordon. "Am the pride of the line! Of the Island!"
"Ah. Explains why I saw you pulling a load of trucks today." Gordon snorted, again wishing that he had kept the China Clay truck to himself. Apparently once inhaled, crazy things happened. "You're a goods engine, that's that."
James was horrified, and fell into Gordon's carefully laid (Read: Not) trap. "I pull coaches too!"
"Not as much as I do." grunted Gordon. "So there."
"The Fat Controller has PLANS for me!" James said this mostly to get Gordon off his back. And also to big himself up. And perhaps just a tiny bit of him wanted Gordon to get somewhat paranoid. Gordon didn't know this, but he ruined it somewhat by being only mildly curious.
"What plans?" he demanded.
"Errrrrrrrrrrrr-" James's brain hadn't got that far ahead yet. "Wait and see?"
Gordon stared for a moment longer, then put the idea and all thoughts about it out of his head as he headed off to prepare for his next train. James though, was suddenly crippled with the thought that Gordon was going to go on a massive hunt until he found out everything there was to find out. In actuality, Gordon couldn't care less, but James's paranoia and his belief that he was at the center of the universe combined.
"Oh heck! Now what'll I do?!"
...
Not too long after, Thomas was busy in the yard, shunting some of the new and improved express coaches ready for the next train, when James bustled up.
"Morning James." Thomas decided to live and let live.
"Are those coaches for me?" James was hopeful. He was wrong to be.
"Nah." Thomas said casually, listening but not really listening, if you know what I mean. "These are for the big fatso's express, I'll get your trucks next." His eyes were distracted by Edward puffing by and whistling. James fumed silently.
And then his mind hit upon a trick. A clever trick (To him). A wonderful trick (Again). James had a clever, wonderful trick!
"Actually, Thomas, I'm to take those coaches. The Fat Controller asked me to tell you."
Thomas stared. Now, it wasn't exactly a long stretch to say that the Controller of the railway was too lazy to send a actual workman to deliver this information. He knew that this was likely to be the case for several desicions. No, the plausibility was there for that part. What Thomas had to decide was whether or not he'd be as stupid enough to trust James. "Oh?" He asked. "What about the trucks?"
"Errr. Give them to Gordon?" James offered a grin that could blind anyone.
"Come on!" said Thomas's driver, who was in a rush to get off for the hour and get something to eat."Orders are orders!"
"But sir!"
"ORDERS!"
So when James's driver had returned from his own break, he coupled James up to the express, and didn't question why he was doing that until James had steamed out of the yard towards the big station.
Thomas arrived with the long line of tankers. He looked behind him. Surely he wouldn't have to get his own brake-van?
He would, he grimly realized.
A few minutes later, after Thomas was trying to rest after having to get several items needed for a actual train, Gordon puffed up. His smile slipped away. "So...er...where's the express?"
Thomas told him about James. "So!" he said cheerily. "Here are your trucks! Ta ta! I'm going off for a crossword break!"
To say Gordon was very cross would be a understatement and a half. So was his driver.
"Wait til the Fat Controller hears about this!"
There was silence for a moment.
"Well?"
"Can't mate, it's my break."
...
Elsewhere, James was laughing to himself and congratulating himself on his cunning plan. His words, again, not mine. No, literally. "What a clever plan! What a clever plan!" he practically cackled.
He arrived at Elsbridge feeling smug. He passed Percy, who was grinning at him in a way that indicated that there was something that was about to happen to him that would make James very cross and Percy very glad.
Percy was wrong of course, reasoned James.
Then James looked over, and realized that Percy was very right indeed.
"Some jokes are funny. Mostly when they're told by engines who aren't you. This one is no exception. You've caused confusion and delay. Mostly the former."
"Yes sir." said James, feeling slightly small.
"Stay in the shed until you are wanted."
As James puffed away, Hatt muttered under his breath. "Which shouldn't be for a good long time."
...
The other engines teased James. Mercilessly. Edward and Toby were more concerned with other things (What these things were was never truly confirmed until a good long while after, and shall be told another day.) but Gordon and Henry had returned to their old double act.
"I wonder-" said Gordon calmly. "-who'll be pulling the express today?"
"Well it's probably be you." replied Henry cheerfully. "I mean, there's a certain red idiot who got stuck in the shed for being silly."
There was a pause, in which James was allowed to marinate in his own depressed nature.
"Oh look!" Henry shouted. "James, when did you get here?"
James could barely get enough steam up to give a witty response.
...
The morning after that, he went back to work. Thomas was there, having been taken off his branch-line for his own good thanks to some bad weather.
"Hello!" whistled Thomas. "Good to see you out and about again!" He grinned crookedly. "So...no coaches for you to poach."
"Sorry I tricked you-"
"Eh, it's cool. My driver's the idiot in this situation."
"HEY!"
Both engines laughed. There was a pause, and then James swallowed back a sarcastic comment and said, very sincerely. "Are these my trucks?"
"Yes." said Thomas in a kind voice, swallowing back his own remark "They have missed you."
"Liar."
Both laughed again. They looked at each other.
At last, Thomas said. "James? Do me a fave, kay? Don't ever change. I-" he sighed. This was going to cost him cool points for sure. "-I actually like our sparring." And he puffed off before James could get a witty comment in.
James grinned and got to work quickly, heading off to the harbor for most of it. He pushed and pulled the trucks about, and somehow managed not to derail any of the trucks, or cause a incident, or even do anything noteworthy.
In essence, he was behaving like a normal engine.
He was exhausted.
"Come on James! Home time!" said his driver. "No trucks or passengers, just we two."
There was a pause, and then the fireman walked out. "You know what? I quit. APPARENTLY I DON'T MATTER!"
"NO! Smith! DAMN IT JON, DON'T LEAVE!"
James watched as both men retreated to a distance, and their argument steadily got more and more personal. And...somewhat steamy. James frowned. He could have sworn that his driver and fireman were now...
Oh.
OH.
Well, though James, in shock, that's new. And fine, I mean, new world and all. And they look happy. Lover's spat, tis all. Oh wait, that's literal now.
Anyway, his driver was wrong. A man hurried up.
"Excuse me!" he called. "I have a meeting with Sir Toppers Hatt? Mustn't be late! Can I have a ride back with you!?"
"Eh! Aren't you Jeremiah Jobling?"
"Times are hard."
"Of course!" smoothly cut in the driver. Then to James: "He's taken a job as a railway inspector. Do this and we get major kudos points!" James was most impressed, and he hurried off quickly, heading back towards Knapford.
He steamed along the line and through Henry's Forest as quickly as he could, using a old shortcut that none of the engines who weren't Henry knew about. There was advantages, he thought, to being so vain that he needed to stop in secluded places to apply his special touches.
The Fat Controller was waiting and the Railway Inspector greeted him warmly.
"This clever engine gave me a splendid ride! You must be proud of him!"
The Fat Controller clenched his teeth. "Yes indeed. James, once again you are a really useful engine!"
"Are? When did I ever stop?"
"Don't push it."
"Sorry sir."
And the Controller and Jobling stepped away to discuss a certain situation which was-
-ah, but I mustn't say more, or I shall ruin the next story!