"Hee-yy! Look who's finally heee-re!"

"Ross! What – Oh my god, Rachel!"

"Hi-i!" Rachel swooped in, smiling brightly at them as she surveyed the apartment. When Ross nearly fell over himself to relieve her of her mink jacket, she turned the smile briefly on him, fluttering her eyelashes, only to ignore him again a moment later. Monica, who had been on the point of getting up from the kitchen table where she had breakfast with Chandler, decided to stay put when she noticed the way Rachel's glance seemed to sweep almost dismissively across Chandler too.

"We're just at breakfast. Would you like to join us?" Ross was already almost falling over himself to pull out a chair for her and pouting when she chose the one next to it. "Thank you – oh, is someone already sitting here?" Her smile got a little fixed as she regarded the half-eaten melon on the plate before her.

"That's Joey's place. Why don't you sit over there?"

"Joey?" Her eyes widened. "Oh, but - is he here?"

"In the bathroom" Monica replied curtly.

"I didn't know that!" She turned to Ross reproachfully. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"That Joey's in the bathroom? Ugh!"

"No! That he's having breakfast here … I mean if I'd known that ..."

"But Joey's always having breakfast here. Well, his second breakfast anyway."

"And he doesn't take kindly to anyone else eating it" Chandler remarked dryly and Rachel hurriedly dropped the Bagel she'd fumbled at again.

"Well, in that case …" she changed her seat and turned her smile full voltage on Monica again. "Oh, Monica, I must say, this is a lovely kitchen! Sooo – nice!"

"Why, thank you, Rachel. Would you like some coffee?"

"Oh, decaf for me, thanks."

Monica silently counted to three before replying. "Sorry, I don't have decaf. Just regular coffee."

"Oh, but that's alright!" That brilliant smile again. "I think I'll be able to stand a bit of regular coffee … Um, but you do have Sweet'n Low? Oh, yes, thank you!" Monica clearly saw her wince as she tried to sip the coffee without really tasting it and felt her hackles go up again. Easy there, she reminded herself.

"So, Ross, how's the divorce going?" Chandler asked casually. Ross cleared his throat nervously.

"Um, we haven't – I mean, I haven't – I got an appointment with my lawyer on Monday. Carol wants to settle this quietly, so I don't think there'll be a problem. I'm going to need a place though."

"Oh, so do I!" Rachel cried and Monica frowned at her.

"I thought Barry was moving out? Can't you keep your apartment?"

"Oh, yeah, but I can't live there. It's too … I mean, it would always make me think of Barry, how he did it there with the dog walker …"

"Oh my god, and what did the dog say?!"

Rachel stared at Chandler blankly. "The dog? You mean LePoo? Oh, but she died!"

"LePoo's still alive?!"

"Too much for her, was it?"

"No, I told you she died! Last year actually." Rachel sniffed. "I bet it was the walker's fault."

"But … but she must have been ancient …"

"Who, the dog walker?"

"I meant LePoo!"

"Oh. Well, maybe. But I really couldn't - you know, sleep in the same bed and all -"

"But where do you want to live?"

"Oh, I don't know. Somewhere nice?" She put her hand on Monica's arm and smiled brilliantly at her. "Oh, maybe I could live here with you? That would be so much fun! Like in the old times!"

Monica gaped at her speechlessly and then turned to Ross, who winced and put on a sheepish expression when she glared at him.

"ROSS!"

"What? It was her idea!"

Monica took a deep breath to steady herself. "I'm sorry, Rachel, but no, that won't work."

"But why not?"

"Because … it would be too small for you. I've only one guestroom."

"But that's okay! I don't need much space."

"Really? What about your clothes and shoes?"

"Oh, but I don't need those all the time. We could put them upstairs –"

"Rachel, there is no upstairs."

"What? But I thought – "

"No. This is it." Monica gestured at the living-room. "The kitchen, the living-room and two bedrooms. That's it."

"Oh. But that's alri –"

"And the bathroom" Chandler put in dryly. "Mostly for Joey, you know. Speaking of which, what's keeping him?"

"Oh, you know Joey and his constitutionals ..."

"Right. And I need all of it for me and Chandler."

Rachel looked from her to Chandler and back uncertainly.

"You see, he's my boyfriend now and we're living together."

"But didn't you say, you were with a doctor?"

"I was. It's over. I dumped him."

"You dumped a DOCTOR?"

"You're welcome to him, if you want him."

"Oh no. I've got enough of doctors to last me a – oh, um, what is that?" Staring at the bathroom door she put a hand over her mouth as the others around the table rolled their eyes and groaned over the sounds of repeated flushing mixed with heated cursing in bad Italian. Monica sighed deeply and hurried to the bathroom door.

"Joey, please don't tell me you clogged it again? Oh no! How many times did I tell you –"

Joey emerged from the bathroom with a rather sheepish expression, wincing as everybody held their noses. "Sorry, guys. Just send me the bill, Mon, okay?"

But Monica held him back. "No, Joey, enough is enough. I'm not calling Treeger again. You do it and you settle this with him. Now!"

"Can I at least finish –"

"NOW!"

"Okay, okay! I'm going. I'm – oh, hi! Hey, Rachel, how you doin?"

"Um… hi …" Rachel fluttered her fingers at him as she tried to get her composure back. "Did you just – um …"

"Yes." Monica answered for him. "As usual. Joey, I really don't get why you can't use your own toilet –"

"I told you, I just can't relax properly at my place …"

"You have three toilets and you can't do it in any of them?" Joey winced.

"Maybe if you got rid of the phone in there?" Chandler suggested.

"And the mirror …" Ross added. Rachel's eyes widened even more.

"There's a mirror? I didn't see that!" That made Ross frown at her.

"Um, when did you – um …"

"Or the TV set" Monica added sweetly and Rachel's jaw dropped.

"It's not in every bathroom, just the one where, you know -" Joey sighed. "Alright, I'd better go looking for Treeger. Wish me luck." And with that he grimly marched to the door.

"Good luck, Joe! Go get him!"

"Hang in there!"

"You can do it!"

"Um, who's Treeger?" Rachel asked.

"He's the super of this building." Monica sat down again and poured herself some more coffee. "I hope Joey finds him before his first lunch break or he won't get to this until after the weekend."

"Oh. But couldn't he, you know, just phone someone, you know, to fix this?"

There was a pause as they all stared at Rachel. "Like who?"

"I don't know, a – a plumber?"

They all laughed as she stared at them in confusion. "What?"

"A plumber? Here? Oh god, even if we could get someone on such short notice, we never could afford him."

"Really? I had no idea!"

"It's easier to win the lottery than finding a plumber in New York."

"Oh dear. Um, and you really don't have another bathroom?"

"No, I'm sorry, Rachel, but this is it. Why, do you need -? Oh."

"Oh, that's okay, I can hold out a bit longer …"

"You could use Chandler's – I mean, Phoebe's. It's just across the hall."

"Oh, no, I really couldn't –"

Monica rolled her eyes. "It's okay, I cleaned it yesterday. And renewed the tissues too. I'm sure Phoebe won't mind. Um, where is she by the way? Shouldn't she be here by now?"

"Maybe she's still tired from the moving?"

"No, this isn't like her." Monica got up from the table. "I'll go and check on her."

"I'll come with you" Chandler said at once and the others chimed in as they got up. Rachel seemed a bit surprised, but joined them nonetheless as they marched across the hall. When they arrived at #19's door with Monica in the lead, they found that the door wasn't locked, which had Monica even more worried, especially when it occurred to her that Eddie could have returned in the night. She knocked repeatedly on the door and called out before entering the apartment.

"Phoebe? Are you here?" But the kitchen and living-room were empty and so was the bathroom.

"Phoebe?" Monica went over to Chandler's old room and had just raised her hand to knock on the door when she froze, trying to listen.

"Monica? What's going on?"

"Shsh! I just heard – Phoebe?!" There was a muffled thumping and the creaking of bedsprings, followed by a dull thud as if from a body hitting the floor.

"Phoebe! Are you in there?" Now she heard something else, a muffled 'Mmmm-hmmm' as if someone was trying to scream around a gag, and when she tried the door and found it locked, her alarm grew even more. "Oh god, Phoebe's locked in there!"

"Okay, stand back, Monica, I got this." Chandler gently pushed her to the side and then bent over to tug at the lower half of the door. Monica knelt down to peer through it as soon as the crack widened.

"Phoebe? Oh my god!"

She was lying on the floor where she had ended up when she had fallen from the bed, well tied up with an old clothes line and gagged, staring at them wild-eyed through her disheveled hair. The gag and the knots proved impossible to loosen with just their hands, and Chandler had to get a knife and scissors from the kitchen to free her. Finally they succeeded and Phoebe sat on the bed, coughing and panting.

"Oh god, what happened?"

"Ross, give her some time, okay?" But Phoebe waved her away. "No, it's okay – only, can I have a glass – oh, thank you, um, whoever you are –" Rachel who had fetched her a glass of water just smiled at her uncertainly while Monica stared at her in surprise.

"But that's Rachel! You met her in the coffeehouse, remember?"

"Oh, yeah, you threw up on Joey's — um, right!" When everybody started up in surprise and Monica rolled her eyes, she winced and took another sip of water. "Um, yeah, hi, pleased to meet you. Again." Still speechless, Rachel could only nod.

"Um, Phoebe, did Eddie do this? What happened?"

"Yeah, I know. It was so stupid. When I told him that I lived here now, he thought it was no longer safe for him, so he had to leave."

"But why did he tie you up?"

"Well, I tried to stop him and he didn't want that." Phoebe winced again and rubbed her wrists. "That son of bitch promised he wouldn't make the knots so tight! He said he only wanted to make sure I couldn't follow him … Ross, what are you doing?!"

"What's it looks like? I'm calling the police!"

"NO! Stop! Put down that phone right now!"

"But Phoebe …"

"PUT THAT PHONE DOWN!" When he still held on to it, she lunged at him and grabbed at the phone, wrenching it out of his hand.

"But he tied you! You could have suffocated!"

"You can't call the cops! They'll arrest me!"

"What? Phoebe that's craz-"

"Will you listen? Huh? Ross Eustace Geller, will you for once in your life do as you're told and listen?!" When she advanced on him, glaring at him wild-eyed and shaking the phone in his face, Ross finally backed off, muttering.

"Okay, okay. But he really shouldn't get away with this –"

"He won't. But leave it to me, okay?"

"Alright. But I don't understand. He tied you and locked you up! You could have died! You really should sue him!"

"Sue him?" For a moment she tried to hold back, then she gave up and laughed outright in his face. "Sue him! Wow, why didn't I think of that? I just wanted to kick his head in, but that's a much better idea!"

When Ross retreated still mumbling, she sat down on the sofa and sighed.

"Yeah, well, looks like he's gone for good now. That's too bad."

"Too bad? Phoebe …?"

"Yes, it's bad! I can't live here alone! I don't have a job anymore, and if I can't pay the rent, I can't live here anymore. Chandler, you wouldn't move in again, would you? Naw, thought as much."

"Sorry, Pheebs. Why don't you find yourself a new roommate?"

"How? I need to keep my head down or they'll find me!"

"Who's they?" Ross started, but Monica shushed him.

"Phoebe, don't worry about the rent. We'll help you out. At least we got rid of Eddie now."

"Yeah, I guess. Though I kinda liked him."

"What? That – that creep?"

"Oh, he wasn't so bad." Phoebe leaned back wearily and closed her eyes. "I've met worse. There was this stockbroker –"

"And how did he even manage to tie you up? Didn't you fight him?"

Phoebe grimaced. "He said we should celebrate my moving in with some wine and then he slipped me a mickey."

"That bastard, I'm gonna –"

"Pheebs, I'm so sorry!"

"Um, excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but … could I use your, um, you know …" Rachel blushed when they all stared at her.

"It's right there" Monica motioned towards the bathroom and smiled reassuringly at her old friend. Rachel darted in, only to back out again almost immediately.

"Um, the door doesn't lock …"

Chandler winced. "Yeah, sorry about that. Eddie took out the lock."

"Don't worry, we won't let anyone come in" Monica added. Rachel didn't seem very reassured by that, but went in regardless. When Ross moved to stand before the door Monica held him back, shaking her head.

"What?"

"Shsh! She can't stand it if someone hears her when she, you know – oh, just don't, okay?" And then it finally hit her. "Ross! You could be Phoebe's roommate!"

"What?"

"Actually that's a great idea. Yeah, you totally could!"

"But –"

"And you could move in right away! It's close to work too!"

"Yes, but –"

"It's perfect! Phoebe, what do you think? Wouldn't it be perfect?"

"Ross? Yeah, I guess. Wait, do you snore?"

"I do not!"

"Oh too bad. I like snoring. It makes me feel so safe!"

"What?"

"Maybe if you tried a nose clamp -?"

Ross closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Well … maybe, yeah, I'll think about it. It would be close to work. And to you two … But what about Rachel?"

"What about her?"

"What if she wants to live here?"

"Ross, it's even smaller than my apartment. It would never work!"

"But shouldn't we ask her?"

"Of course. But I thought you needed a place? What's wrong with this?"

Ross clamped his mouth shut, scowling, and Monica narrowed her eyes at him.

"Wait a minute. You want to move in with me? Is that it?"

"Well …"

"Forget it."

"But I'm your brother!"

"Yes, you are, and I want to stay friends with you. Which we can't if you move in. It would never work, Ross!"

"Why wouldn't it work? We did it before!"

"Yes, and after two weeks I was ready to kill you!"

"What?!"

"Oooh, interesting .." Phoebe put in, her eyes glinting. Monica ignored her.

"You drove me up the wall with your endless showers and your air purifier and your rock collection .."

"Fossils, they're fossils!"

"- which you scattered everywhere –"

"Because you wouldn't put up shelves!"

"And you kept hogging the phone and the TV – Ross, no. I'm sorry, but – no." When Ross still glared at her, she felt around for Chandler who was standing behind her, and took her hand in his, drawing him close. "Besides – Chandler is now living with me. Do you really want to be in the next room when we – you know?"

Ross eyes bulged as Phoebe tittered. "Oooh, you really don't want that Ross. Take it from me!"

"But – but you wouldn't – "

"Why not? What would you do? Tell Mom?"

For a second she thought she had gone too far and clenched her hand around Chandler's so hard she heard him hissing. Then Ross' shoulders slumped and he turned away dejectedly.

"Fine. If Rachel doesn't want to live here, I guess I will."

"Ooh, that's so great!" Phoebe skipped with joy, clapping her hands together.

"What's keeping Rachel anyway, shouldn't she be finished by now?"

Monica rolled her eyes. "You really don't remember her that well, do you? Twenty minutes is her minimum!"

"Come on Ross, I'll show you the room!" Phoebe tore open the door of Eddie's room and stood aside, motioning them in. Ross who went first, stopped dead on the doorstep.

"Oh my god, what is that – ugh, smells like dead fish!"

Phoebe craned her head to look over his shoulders. "Oh, yeah, that must be his aquarium. He thought the fish were still hibernating and told me to take good care of them."

"Phoebe, fish don't hibernate." Ross took a few more steps into the room, holding his nose. "My god, he took everything!"

"What? No. The bed's still there … the wardrobe …"

"The aquarium ..." Chandler added grinning. Monica squeezed past him to survey the room. It was indeed completely bare except for the stripped bed and an empty wardrobe that looked on its last legs. The aquarium that was still half filled with murky gray water stood below the window.

"But he must have had more!"

"Like what?"

"I don't know – chairs, shelves? Or Books, computers, stereo, CDs, DVR, DVDs, pictures …"

"No. He said he always traveled light, so he could leave anytime."

Phoebe squatted near the bed to look under it and then looked back at them with a stricken expression.

"Oh no. He took the dummy!"

.

.

She had to hand it to Chandler – it was only after three hours of helping her with the cleaning of Ross' future room that he started to show signs of flagging. Well, more like two and a half. But still. He had stayed with her the whole time, even helped with fetching things like the vacuum cleaner, buckets of water, rags, even a ladder to stand on when she cleaned the window and also offering to do it himself which she couldn't let him of course, and he hadn't complained even once, at least not really. It was even more gratifying for her since he could just as easily have joined Ross and Phoebe who had gone to pack up Ross' belongings and get a car to transport them. Or Joey who had promised to get one of his sisters and/or brothers-in-law to fix the clogged toilet after he hadn't been able to locate Treeger, and Rachel who, faced with the choice of helping with the moving or keeping Joey company, had gracefully opted for the latter which came to no one's surprise, except Ross of course. But now it seemed as if his patience was finally running out.

"Mon, you vacuumed that carpet three times already. It gave up the last of its dust already the second time around!"

"But that was before I put up the curtains. That could have stirred it up again."

"But you washed the curtains. And the rail. And you dusted the wall. Twice."

"Yes, but still –"

"And didn't you want to flip the mattress too? What if there's dust in it?"

"You think so? Oh, I can't remember, did I beat the mattress already?" When he rolled his eyes, she relented. "I'm sorry, Chandler."

"For what?"

"You know – all this – it's just, when I start to clean, I can't stop."

He put his arms around her from behind and pressed against her. "I know. I was there when you cleaned Joey's apartment, remember? If his mother hadn't arrived –"

"Oh god, she was so angry!"

"- then you'd still be there, cleaning on." His arms tightened around her and he started to nuzzle at her neck, gently sucking at the place where it joined her shoulder, until she started to shiver and breathe in sharply.

"Ummm … not that I'm complaining, but I really need to –"

"Shsh. Time-out, Mon. Just a minute. Mmmh…"

His lips wandered up her neck again to just under her chin and then moved over to her ear, nibbling at the lobe and she closed her eyes and arched her neck back until her head was resting on his shoulder, hardly noticing when the vacuum cleaner handle slipped from her grip. For a long moment they stood like that, gently swaying to and fro while she enjoyed the feel of his warm lips and his even warmer breath on her cheek and neck. Time-out. Right. She had never thought it possible that something or someone could distract her while she was cleaning, but this felt so … right. And important, much more important than going over the room one last or more probably second to last time. Mmmh, and the way he pressed against her from behind, fitting against her body until every curve and bulge was covered, felt so good … And now his hands started to roam a little, his hands slipping under the edge of her sweatshirt and bunching it up over her stomach while his fingertips slowly but surely approached her bra. Only when she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pressed her lips on his did she realize that she had turned around and that his hands were now on her back, already fumbling at her bra clasp while he kissed her back. The maneuver had brought them close to the bed with him standing with his back to it and without thinking she pushed at him until he fell on it backwards and then climbed on top and straddled him. For a split moment she thought he wouldn't be able to take her weight, but almost immediately his arms came up and wrapped around her, pulling her in for an urgent kiss. The feel of his body straining against her between her legs through her sweatpants made her head swim with sudden desire. Now her bra loosened and he cupped her breasts and pushed his tongue into her mouth at the same time. When she made as if to move off him however he held her back and she gave in and surrendered to his caresses again, shuddering when he pulled and tugged her sweatshirt off her and then kissed and sucked her breasts. She started to rub herself on his jeans where his erection was bulging the fabric already while she clawed at the buttons of his shirt, groaning loudly and bucking when he pushed a hand down her pants and slipped two fingers inside her. After a lot of wiggling and squirming her sweatpants and panties finally came off, but when she started on his jeans he slapped her hands away and instead pulled her further up and over him, scooting down at the same time until she was kneeling over his upper chest and then almost above his head, and he was still urging her forward … When it finally dawned on her what he wanted to do, she stiffened, clenching her hands in the mattress, and then weakly tried to wriggle out of his grasp. He kept at it determinedly however, holding her in place with his arms tightly wrapped around her hips and buttocks and then she already felt him nuzzle her, his hot breath tickling her as his mouth came up against her labia, and oh god, she could feel his tongue now as he was licking her … For a long moment she just hovered over him, numb with shock as her brain tried to come to terms with this completely new stage in their sex-life, unable even to protest. She hadn't even considered getting on top before and now she was not only on top but also getting a – what did they call it? Pussy eating? Licking? Head? Maybe blowjob, or was that only for guys – and, oh dear sweet god, now he was even pushing his tongue into her, his hot wet slippery tongue, and it was the most awesome feeling ever, as if he had he stuck a live wire of lust and ecstasy into her, in the very moment she was starting to freak out about it. Which she still was, but couldn't do anything about it because she was unable to stop this, make it stop, because it was just too good to stop, too goddamn great, wonderfully fucking great. All she could still do was scream, and shake and buck against him rhythmically, and scream some more, until her throat was giving out. She only noticed that he had stopped when he had wriggled up the bed and came up under her again, his hat long lost and his glasses askew, frantically pushing down his jeans and boxers at the same time. As soon as his erect penis sprang free she grabbed it and pushed herself on it, moaning with deep pleasure as it slid into her, up her, in what felt like a completely new way, rubbing against her vaginal walls in places she didn't remember feeling before, not like this at least. Now he was groaning too, and clenching his hands on her thighs while they strained against each other and slowly found their rhythm.

"Yesyesyes … like that, ooooh, like that … oh god, oh my god, ah, ah, ah …"

She had always thought that she preferred it when he was lying on her with his full weight, and she could feel all of his body against hers while they moved together, but this was so good too, much more intense than she could ever have imagined. It was almost too much, especially when she looked down at herself and watched herself moving on him while he kept sliding in and out of her, panting and heaving while he went, and it was all she could do not to lose control completely. When she felt herself approaching the brink she reached out for his shoulders and he heaved himself up into a near sitting position, holding her tightly to him and kissing her just as her orgasm hit. She clung to him as he worked his way to his own climax and then let go, slumping and then slowly rolling off him, until she lay on her back beside him.

"Whew … oh my god … hey, are you okay?!"

"Yeah." Her eyes were still closed as she grinned widely and grabbed for his hand. "That was … that was … unbelievable."

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Wow." She heard him take a deep breath. "See? I told you!"

"What?"

"That you weren't … that you could do it."

She stretched out luxuriously, thoroughly enjoying the languid feeling of satiation and total relaxation. "Yeah … so great. Almost feels like I lost three more pounds ..."

That made him jump. "What?! Three more? Oh my god!"

"Kidding ..! But mmmmmh … sooo good …"

Dimly she felt him shifting beside her until he was lying on his side with one arm over her. For some time they remained like that and she almost started to drift away already when he started to kiss her cheek and brushed his lips over her mouth.

"Mon …?"

"Hmmmm…?"

"I could stay like this all night, but if we don't want to risk Ross walking in on us, maybe we should go back to our own bedroom?"

"Mmmh – um, huh? What?" She sat up abruptly, blinking at him. "Ross? Oh my god!"

"Just saying, you know –"

"Oh god, you're right! What time is it?"

He squinted at his watch and shrugged. "Don't know, I think it's stopped …"

She looked around frantically for her underwear and sweats and tore into them as fast as she could, groaning when the top ended up wrong way around and she had to get out of it again to turn it around. Chandler followed suit, though much less hurried. When they were both fully dressed again, she heaved a deep sigh of relief and Chandler drew her close, grinning as they kissed.

"You know, for what it's worth, I'm glad we did it here. This is probably the most sex this bed will ever see."

She giggled. "You know, for what it's worth, that wasn't quite what I meant when I said we needed to beat the mattress." She tightened her arms around him. "But it was totally worth it!"