"You enjoying yourself, Mr Angelis?"
"Very much!"
"I noticed you snuck a little insult into the previous episode."
"Ah."
"Don't do it again."
"Fair enough."
...
Bill and Ben (And here the sound of Edward and BoCo groaning could have reached China) are the most mischievous engines on the Fat Controller's railway. And considering that this is a Island that has Thomas the effing Tank Engine on it, that's saying quite a lot.
They had, for a brief time between series's, been given some consideration as to whether or not they should be let out of the China Clay Pits to start working with Percy as the pilots for Knapford. Edward, BoCo and Gordon, in a rare instance of all three getting along within seconds, had gone straight to the Fat Controller and implied that doing so would be worse for the Island's economy than the Great Depression and Hyperinflation combined, so they had mostly remained trapped in the quarry for now. Their main jobs were to take trucks back and forth the pits and the harbor yards. That was it. Anything else and they would be glared at. A lot.
The two still liked to have fun together, and often played tricks on the workmen. This ranged for the harmless (swapping nameplates and numbers) to the somewhat annoying (repeatedly insisting that they were setting up a union to rebel) to the disruptive (pulling trucks away before it could be filled up, causing a obstruction). The foreman of the quarry would often come running out, drunk as a skunk and bellow random words until the twins backed down. The teasing ways got them into trouble more times than they wanted to admit.
One morning, the Fat Controller came to see them. He was in a great mood, mostly because he had managed to appease Lady Hatt over the latest edition of the Daily Mail, which had repeatedly slagged her off as a gold digger, by promising that he would gladly make sure that any further references to her in such a manner was going to deal with Sodor's crack legal team.
He was aware that they did not, in fact, have a crack legal team, but it pleased her to know that the harsh and unfair words were being somewhat dealt with, so he was content to try and make sure that they got together a legal team at some point.
But back to the story.
"There's a important goods train that has arrived in the big yard up at Knapford. And I need you to help the other engines." He nodded to them, and quickly bailed, leaving the drunken quarry-master to set things up.
"Oh yes sir! Of course sir!" said the twins, good as gold and looked as though butter would have a hard time getting even slightly runny in their mouths. Of course, the second that Hatt had left, and they were immediately gleeful at the fact that the Fat Man had finally given in.
Said Fat Man slammed his foot down on the brakes on the country road later and swore as he realized that he had unleashed twin hurricanes upon the island. He immediately decided not to tell Edward, for fear that the blue engine may finally flip his lid and end up killing someone.
He hoped cynically that if this did happen, it was at the very least someone he could afford to lose. Like James. Or Gordon.
Or, in a ideal world, both.
...
The twins, meanwhile, set off as soon as they could on their important journey. As they crossed the three tiered bridge, they became aware of the fact that Edward's branchline had practically been evacuated.
"Scared of us, I reckon Bill!"
"Damn right, Ben! No idea why!"
"Yeah! We're as good as gold we are!"
"The narrator said so!"
BoCo was resting in the yard, drinking a milkshake. It was part of a new initiative put in place by the sponsers. Allcroft and Mitton, who hadn't spent much time on the island recently, had been forced to include more moralistic behavior. Not that it was, in any way, a bad milkshake, but BoCo missed his fizzy drinks.
And then he saw Bill and Ben and his face took on the color of said milk. He forced a grin back onto his face. "Well, you're a little out of your way, aren't you? Here comes trouble."
The twins rolled up beside him. They grinned at him, in that way that was designed to push all buttons of any sane and rational person who believed in the rapidly disappearing belief of politeness. "Fatty told us you were tired!" slyly remarked Bill, or what he thought was slyness, but in reality was just smugness. BoCo rolled his eyes. "He asked us to take all of your trucks just for you."
BoCo chuckled, though forcing himself to. He glanced over to Edward, who had heard everything and was shutting his eyes in a vain attempt to make the twins not exist any more. "You two never stop, do you?"
"Stop? I know not the meaning of the word!" Ben spoke in exaggerated ye olde English.
BoCo rolled his eyes. "I'm wise to your tricks. We do, reluctantly, need your help here. Get along."
"Ahem. Right." Both twins puffed away, full of self-importance.
Edward's eyes opened a fraction. "Are they gone?"
"Yes. For now. There's going to be trouble."
"I know." Edward said grimly, as he chewed upon a carrot. He would have preferred to have chewed on something a bit tastier, but fatty foods had been frowned upon because of the new health kick.
It was a hard life.
...
The twins were soon pushing and pulling the heavy and naughty trucks into place. Whether they be open topped, tankers, vans or even the Breakdown Crane, nothing was safe from their greedy little eyes. It did, however, give BoCo and Edward a chance to rest, even if they were constantly terrified that the yard was going to be on fire if they shut their eyes for a moment.
At last, the first day's work was done. The yards looked somewhat tidy, and therefore, Edward felt safe enough to take a train full of trucks towards Wellsworth, while BoCo headed off with a section of vans to drop off at Tidmouth Hault. It was not a long run by any means of the word, and Bill and Ben had surprisingly done okay in not screwing things up.
They felt somewhat confident that they could get back before anything went wrong.
Oh how wrong they were.
The twins had heard many things about the mythical turntable located in the yards. Mostly how it was crap and it really needed replacing. But they didn't care, for they were going to use a actual turntable for the first time ever! They were very easily impressed, despite appearances to the contrary.
Bill went first, as he sat on the turntable, he realized it was somewhat less exciting than he had been lead to believe. "This is fun." he said, drenched in sarcasm, towards Ben. But even though it was terrible, he was determined to milk his turn for all it was worth. Foreman Norris, who had many jobs considering the shortage of foremen at present on the Island, stopped the turntable.
"Oi! Get off! Big engine coming through!"
Bill grimaced, but got off. Foreman Norris was tired though, and he was getting very confused about why he had to be both a stationmaster and a foreman, so he stopped it in the wrong place. As Bill moved off, he barely noticed until too late that Ben was heading down the same track for his own turn. Both engines came to a grinding halt, but not before slamming into each other.
They eyed each other, grimly.
"I was here first!" whined Bill.
"BULL! You're in my way and therefore you must MOVE!" Ben snapped back.
"I WON'T!"
"YOU WILL!"
"I WON'T!"
"YOU WILL!"
"DE-JA-FRICKING-VU!" snarled Sir Topham Hatt as he stormed in."If you two don't behave, I shall not allow you here again!" He paused. "Why did I even allow- You know what, never mind. Get back to work, you bloody goblins!"
"I'm more of a elf."
"Shut it Ben."
...
Edward and BoCo sighed. "You know-" BoCo remarked as they drove along. "That wasn't a bad journey."
"No, all things considered, it was nice to get out of the yard and actually do something for a change."
"Exactly! It was nice to see a bit of green instead of grey."
"You're not wro-" Edward sniffed. "Can you smell burning?"
Both engines froze, and then looked up towards the large amount of smoke rising up from the yards.
"...We never saw this."
"I agree, we never did."
"What are we even talking about?"
"I don't know. Because it never happened."
"Right."
"Right. We're still getting our trucks."
"Right. So really we should head to the bar to make sure that we are filled up."
"Agreed, only thing to do really. Get a bit of milkshake down us."
...
The next day, the fire was put out, and the ten tankers of oil were removed to somewhere where they wouldn't smell so much. BoCo, having taken up chewing gum to make sure he didn't start smoking, looked around in horror at the damage. As Ben arrived, still fuming, BoCo made sure not to scream aloud how he was going to murder him at some point for causing the fire.
"That Bill! Imagine getting in my way on the turntable! And shunting those tankers right next to the hot coal trucks!"
"Didn't you put the hot coal trucks by the tankers-"
"AND FURTHERMORE!" thundered Ben. "He's a really silly engine!" He seemed proud of himself for coming up with that insult.
"Way I heard it." BoCo muttered, his teeth gnashing at the gum "You were both in the wrong."
"Pha! You heard it all wrong! Must have been from Bill."
And so it went on. The twins were even worse than usual, if possible. Pretty much any work was going to be impossible. They grumbled about it all day, and soon even Edward, having long since tuned himself to not care about the squabbles, lost his patience.
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE BOCO!" He shouted one day. "I need a drink!"
"There's a smoothie-"
"DAMN THE SMOOTHIE, I'M HAVING A LAGER." And with that statement, Edward chugged back a good long gulpful of booze. "Ahhhh!" he said, woozily. "Tha's the stuff right there."
BoCo rolled his eyes, but smiled in good humor. "Better not see the cameras catch that."
"All this grumbling is spreading a bad- No, worse atmosphere in the yard. Worse than usual, and that is saying something right there."
"Quite right. I've got a plan."
"Oh thank god, someone has." Edward grinned despite himself. "In all honesty, I think Hatt's learned his lesson. We just need to get this week's goods out of the way, and then we can get the twin terrors back into the China Clay pits. So, lay it on me."
...
"So, you see sir, BoCo has a plan to get Bill and Ben to work together and get-"
"Go ahead."
"I-" BoCo's driver was wrong footed. "I'm sorry, what?"
"Do whatever it takes, just please get them to work together again! The union's already down my neck as it is! Just do it! I'm start making arrangements straight away!"
...
The next day, after a long and fruitless attempt by both Edward and BoCo to try and get Percy to come back from the harbor to give them a hand, the Fat Controller called Bill and Ben to the yard.
"BoCo's, er, taking a special train to the harbor. Now, his regular train's currently still sitting here, waiting on the siding, so you two should pull it together." Hatt prayed that the two engines would not glance to the side and see BoCo sneak back in quickly to watch from the sidelines.
"But-"
"But-"
"Ah, I see. Knew I could rely on you two." And Hatt stepped back and decided to watch the fireworks.
Oh what pretty fireworks they were.
"I'll take it!" huffed Ben. "I'm the stronger out of the two of us, and I don't smell!"
"Fair enough, knock yourself out." cackled Bill. As Ben was coupled up, Bill watched in amusement. Ben couldn't help but feel as though Bill was waiting for him to fail. He decided not to give him the satisfaction of doing so.
He started forward, straining with all his might. But BoCo's train was too heavy, and as he puffed, he became aware that the odds were becoming increasingly slim of him even reaching the water tower a few feet away from him.
"Go on." Bill said, innocently. "Do it then."
"Can't!" wheezed Ben, feeling as though his lungs had experienced twenty years of smoking all at once. He came to a stop, and both twins looked at each other. For whatever reason, both found it incredibly funny and burst out laughing.
"Finally!" shouted Edward as quietly as he could.
"Don't think we should take turns this time Ben." remarked Bill.
"I know! It's such a poor message for kids!" Ben agreed. "Let's pull together!"
Both engines were delighted as they puffed together across the bridge, pulling BoCo's heavy goods to the next station. It was good to be helping each other once again. Best of all, it was good to be friends again.
Also because they were going to destroy the hell out of the harbor.
...
Edward, BoCo and the Fat Controller breathed a massive sigh of relief as they left.
"Well...all's well that ends well, right?"
Hatt laughed. "Probably...Hang on, does anyone smell burning?"
The three paused, then looked towards the harbor, which was now smoking.
"GOD DAMN IT!" they screamed, as they hurried towards the twins.