Cue the theme!
...
It was a splendid morning on the Island of Sodor. This was code for 'Oh God, Hell is Going to Break Loose' or the OGHiGtBL. Duck had tried to make a sensible word out of the mindless gobbledygook, but had given up rather quickly.
The Island was buzzing with activity. Edward was searching for Trevor, Duck, Gordon and Henry were currently drinking at the nearest bar while they waited for the next trains to be ready for them, and James was...well, he was James.
He was feeling very pleased with himself, a not unusual feeling for James. His red paint gleamed in the sunshine as he sped along.
"I should really write some more songs!" he reflected to himself. "I am clearly missing out! Never mind what that old fuddy-duddy Toby says! Take a look who's coming down the track, make way for ME! Make way for ME! Needs a bit of work!"
He reached Lower Suddery's Junction, just as Percy puffed in with some trucks. James grinned. More engines to be fabulous too! Suddenly his nose wrinkled at the smell. He was surprised, no doubt.
"The hell are you doing here?!" He demanded. "You stink! You should be at the next station by now!"
"Don't you think I know that?! Carlin's already passed out on the floor, fireman's doing double duty!" Percy suddenly looked affronted. "So would you stink if you were having to handle those goddamn beefburgers on legs! Oh, and let's not forget that these trucks have been troublesome all morning!"
"Well that's why they're called Troublesome Trucks. I mean they even applied for the trademark and everything. But that's NO excuse Percy! I, a beautiful splendid red engine, have had my fair share of battles to fight too! But do I make excuses for myself and blame others?!"
"Yes."
"NO! I. DO. NOT. NOTHING STOPS ME AND NOTHING SHOULD STOP YOU!"
"You should be a motivational speaker."
"The Fat Controller relies upon us EXCLUSIVELY to be on time. Now if you'll excuse me, you silly little caterpillar, I'll be on my way."
"Bossy buffers." Percy muttered as James puffed away importantly.
"WHAT WAS THAT?!"
...
Elsewhere, Edward was waiting at the scrapyard. He looked around, confused. "Funny. Could have sworn Trevor was supposed to be here." He frowned. "Charlie, you heard anything?"
"Not a clue! I asked the foreman about it and he just started crying!"
"He's had a very emotional year, to be fair, what with his brother getting fired for destroying the quarry."
...
"So I said to him, I said "Hey Buddy! I don't know if you know who I am, but I know who you are and-" Are you listening Duck?"
"Hmm?" Duck looked around. "Sorry Gordon. Miles away. I was just curious as to what Henry was doing."
"Oh god, he's not buying more of that recreational stuff again? I swear, I had no idea that there were colors that were so...not right in this world. Or the next one. I'm pretty sure I talked to God when I tried some."
"No, he's not actually doing that. He appears to be...flirting."
Gordon looked at Duck. "Flirting."
"Mmm."
"Henry."
"I know, but he appears to be doing it."
"With a engine."
"Indeed. It would be weird if it was the other way around. But there's probably stories about that."
"What?"
"Look over there. By that really old jukebox."
Gordon did. Henry was definitely there, casually chatting to one of the dock engines who rarely came up to the sheds anymore. There were plenty of them working in the background, most of them here for a few months at most.
"Huh. Well good for him!"
"Indeed! You know, I've always wanted to settle down with someone. One of the major things I'm jealous that humans get to have is all the nice things attached to romance. It's not the Great Western Way of course, but sometimes- Ah, but at least Henry's getting to meet some nice young girl and-"
"Boy."
"Hmm?"
Gordon had gone slack-jawed. "He is flirting...with a male engine."
Duck and Gordon stared for a moment. Duck then looked at the betting pool. The latest bet still being 'When is James going to come out of the closet?'. "Well f**k me, I was way off."
Gordon had not said anything.
"Gordon?"
Still nothing.
"Come on, mate, it's a new world we're living in."
Gordon still remained silent as the bartender, a rather cantankerous diesel, stormed over angrily and began telling Henry exactly what he thought of him and his 'kind'. And as the dock engine slipped away, clearly glad that it was Henry getting the abuse-
"You shut your goddamn mouth." Gordon stormed over. "You leave. My friend. Alone."
Duck promptly watched as the diesel asked Gordon the wrong question about Henry and his alternative lifestyle choices.
And then as Gordon began beating the holy hell out of the bartender.
"Huh. Neato."
Henry puffed over. "Hey Duck."
"Sup Henry."
"..."
"...So, you're-"
"...Yeah."
"...That's cool."
"Yep. You would think so."
"So are you just-"
"Oh, both. You know. Male and female. Gender's not really a big deal for me, no matter how hard I try and make it so." Henry coughed. "I would be greatly obliged if you never mentioned this to anyone ever."
"Course not! It's not my place-"
"ALL OF YOU! BANNED! PERMANENTLY."
Gordon stormed out. "AND THAT IS WHY YOUR PLACE IS NO LONGER FREQUENTED BY THE FASTEST, AND THE BEST, AND THE PULLER OF THE EXPRESS! Henry, COME WITH ME. WE'RE GOING TO THE SIDINGS TO GET DRUNK!"
"Ah, so different from all the usual times we go to the Sidings to get drunk?"
"Yes. BECAUSE FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST ALCOHOL OF ALL."
Duck frowned. "This just got weird."
...
Back at the actual plot, James was at the harbor. It was Market Day, and that meant that all of the farmers had turned out to help gather together their stalls. The harbor yard was full of the sweet smell of fruit and far away lands.
And also of rotting fruit. it had been delivered in big ships, and some of those big ships had not been...er...very well constructed, shall we say? Those farmers were angrily attacking the cargo ships with their pitchforks and their shotguns. The fact that three ships sank that day is, perhaps, a rather big co-incidence. Or so the Fat Controller's official sources said.
James watched as strawberries, melons, oranges and bananas were carefully loaded onto his trucks. And as the third third in so many months began to light up teh docks. He decided that he should really leave, just in case.
He set off for the station on the main line. This was a rather odd choice of words for his driver and fireman to use, considering how many stations there actually WERE on the main line, but they were trying very hard to avoid the riots as well.
...
He whistled loudly as he puffed along the track. James glanced at Edward, who was heading in the opposite direction, and maturely stuck out his tongue. Edward rolled his eyes and continued onwards. Trevor has to be somewhere.
James, meanwhile, had met Thomas. He grinned. More engines to show off too! Without even greeting Thomas with a "Hello!" he plowed right in "Really reliable! That's me! I'm ready and reputable and rrrrrrrocket red!" He panted loudly, alliteration really took it out of him "Pity same can't be said for Percy the Caterpillar, am I right? Peep peep! Bye bye!"
Thomas blinked. James had barely taken a breath and he was already gone.
"What the hell was that about?!" asked Annie, and Clarabel. As one entity. Thomas sighed, and yearned once more for a cigarette. Or something equally as freudian to smoke.
"That was trouble. For James. Just you wait and see. Karma is a cruel and harsh mistress."
He wasn't wrong.
...
Percy was back at Lower Suddery in the yard, shunting the trucks. He had them in good order, and backed up to allow Duck to pass. The Great Western whistled. Percy had no idea the huge problems he and Gordon had been through trying to find another bar that wasn't the Sidings.
So far, Gordon had managed to get them banned from at least three. This wasn't due to Henry this time, however. No, this was all on Gordon. He had started two bar room brawls that had ended up setting the entire place on fire, and had driven the last bartender to such madness with his incredibly specific orders that after being thrown out, they had later heard that he had headed off to the Other Railway, because apparently "Whatever they have to offer is a cakewalk compared to that...THAT...GORDON."
Duck vaguely wondered if Gordon had missed his calling as a torture technique.
Percy had made up for lost time, but he was concerned to see Stationmaster Norris limp over to his driver. "You will not believe what happened!"
"Another one of those ***** and their ******* raves? I know! I can barely get any ******* sleep!" Carlin groaned, using more asterisks that were really necessary. It was a quirk of his.
"No, even worse. James has had a accident. Imagine."
"Oh for ****'s sake! What's happened now?!"
"His brakes have jammed! We need Percy's help right away, because quite frankly, I'm a bit lazy and I didn't want to have to go all the way over to the signalbox to get a phone signal."
"Ha! And today just got so much better!" bragged Percy, as he started off from the sidings.
...
Edward had searched everywhere for Trevor. So it was only natural that he head to the one place which he had thought too obvious to look.
As he arrived at the Orchard, he became aware of a sudden chill in the air, and he shuddered quickly. It was odd. It had been as warm as any bright summer's day just a moment ago, and now it felt like-
His thoughts stopped as he noticed the orchard barn. It's doors were shut, and the lights were out.
"Odd." he remarked aloud. Charlie and Sidney got off his footplate and headed towards the vicarage. The lights were out there, as well. Edward was left to himself, and as he looked along the orchard, he noticed with some confusion just how silent it was. There were no sounds at all. Not even the sound far off in the distance of the workers making sure that the crops were coming in.
Then he saw the shattered beehives and the rather body-like indent in them, and he realized with a horrified stabbing sensation just why everything was so silent.
...
Percy found James sitting on the line outside one of the farms and looking glum. Well. Glummer. On a scale of glumness, he was probably a six. Maybe a seven. Percy, in a sadistic mood, could not help but laugh. "Got yourself in a jam, eh, James?"
"Shut up."
"What you might call a...sticky situation?"
"Shut. Up."
"How does it feel to be trapped by the fruit of your own hubris?"
"BE! QUIET! IT IS NOT FUNNY WHEN YOUR BRAKES JAM!"
"Not very reliable either."
James let out a growl that would have disturbed Mighty Cthulhu.
"I am surprised at you, James! Nothing should stop us engines!"
"Okay, Bozo the Clown, that's enough. Can you push those trucks?!" Carlin looked tired. He had just started a shouting match with one of the farmers who was threatening personally to gut the Fireman like a pig.
"Of course I can!" whistled Percy, smugly. "There is no time to lose! James has done too much of that already!" James's reply was cut off by the hissing of steam. Percy was coupled up quickly.
"Off we go!" he said cheerfully. "I'll have to go fast to get there on time! No thanks to certain red engines!"
"GO TO HELL!"
"Love you too! THESE BIG ENGINES ARE SO UNRELIABLE!"
James's reply was something that can't be written down in any form, lest it destroy whatever it is you're reading this from. Percy puffed cheerfully onwards, refusing to get annoyed about the fact that he had no way of knowing what was in front of him.
"Careful!" snapped Carlin, but Percy was in a hurry. So he didn't noticed that someone had randomly dropped a bunch of crates on the ground, that the points had failed and he was now being diverted onto the siding where the crates had been dumped.
The trucks did. But thanks to their masochistic tendencies, said nothing, and just prepared for their end.
"LOOK OUT!" Carlin applied the brakes.
But, as per usual, it was too late.
There was the sound of wood splintering as Percy went headfirst into the back of the van, and then a huge amount of very squishy sounds as the contents impacted with Percy's face.
His driver and fireman had jumped clear, and had to watch in horror as squashed fruit landed all over Percy.
"We run?"
"We run." agreed Carlin, and the two promptly booked it over the hedges. As they did so, newly made apple juice squirted out from the box and covered Percy's entire face. Seconds later, the rotten fruit finally exploded and covered Percy's front with something that smelt awful, felt awful and was pretty much in general awful.
Percy would have screamed, but a slice of orange had flown into his throat, and he was currently choking.
The Fat Controller arrived, surrounded by a group of bodyguards with sanitizing agents. "PERCY- Oh god, YOU REEK! You're not to blame for the points failure! But I do want you to know that I am not running a jam factory!"
"What?!" Or at least, Percy tried to say "WHAT?!" but there was still the unfortunate problem that even breathing was bringing more of the foul smelling stuff down his throat. So he just muttered "Yes sir" under his breath and sidled off sadly.
...
That night, the sheds were silent. Gordon, Henry and Duck were silently bemoaning their luck getting into a pub (Seven and counting), Edward was reflecting sadly upon the late Vicar (Having mysteriously been stung to death, he couldn't help but remember the curse that he had spoken about) and Percy and James were feeling very sorry for themselves for established reasons.
At last, Thomas, the one engine who hadn't had a bad day, spoke up. He made sure his voice was very condescending. "You know, there's more than one way to get jammed. We all learned that today."
There was still silence, but one could faintly hear the sound of someone sharpening something.
"What's more-" continued Thomas, oblivious to this "We also learnt that when some engines try and help friends out of a...jam, things go wrong."
"So!?" remarked someone, probably Percy.
"So! That means we learned something today! And that means-"
Everyone chorused. "We're really useful engines after all!"
Thomas had just three seconds to feel smug and enjoy being on the moral high ground before the other six engines proceeded to launch themselves across the sheds and start punching the hell out of him.
Thomas decided that making jam puns was not worth it in future.
...
"What the hell happened to you all!?"
Edward spat out a tooth, while Henry and Gordon had ice applied to their eyes, Duck's missing wheel was put back into place, Percy and James had the fruit they had pelted at each other removed and Thomas was dragged off to see if they could fix him up. "Toby, you don't want to know."