Chapter 14 – Indoctrination

ME2- After Arrival mission (This was done before suicide mission)

After Shepard gets the all clear from Dr. Chakwas and gives her report to Admiral Hackett, she needs a moment to herself before dealing with her team. She was still processing what had happened, what she had done… What she had stopped. Still in her bloody clothes she heads straight to her cabin and into the shower. She feels a tightness in her chest and a ringing in her head. The cold water shocks her for a moment, before she settles into it. She stares at the blood running down her and tries to regain her composure by taking deep breaths. She turns the shower up to hot, and feels the pain in her skin but for the moment enjoys it.

"Damn it Shepard." She yells at herself as she hits the wall. The thought of all those lives lost overwhelm her. "I failed."

Whispers come into her head, she believes they are just her doubts building up and bubbling over.

"You can't do this."

"You will Fail."

"The Reapers cannot be stopped."

Soon the whispers become all she can hear, over and over again. She feels cold and alone, even with her skin blistering under the heat of the shower.

"I can't do this…" Just as she accepts defeat, EDI's voice breaks her out of her thoughts.

"Commander, Commander Shepard." She was shouting.

Shepard breaks out of her trance and shakes it off, she suddenly feels the pain in her skin and switches the shower back to cool.

"What, what is it." She wipes a tear from her eye.

"I am sorry to bother you Commander, but you seemed to be in distress. Shall I get Dr. Chakwas?"

"I.. I just need a minute EDI."

"Yes Commander, I am sorry. The crew and I were worried."

"I'm fine EDI, tell the crew I'll be in the briefing room in 10 minutes."

"Yes Shepard."

Briefing room

"….and that's what happened. I'm sure you all have a lot of questions and I'll try to answer what I can." She didn't want to answer questions, she didn't want to think about it but she knew her team needed her to be strong. She waited for the questions, there was a silence.

Garrus broke the silence "Shepard if you tell us there was no other way, than we don't need any other explanation." He looked round at the crew. "Do we?"

"Stopping the Reapers far too important, galaxy not ready for invasion, sad about deaths but more deaths would happen if Reapers, no when Reapers get through. Right thing to do Shepard." Mordin added. This one didn't exactly help Shepard, Mordin could justify the Genophage so another massacre didn't seem too hard to believe.

"We're with you Shepard." Miranda chimed in. The rest of the crew shared their agreement.

"Thank you everyone, we need to focus back on the collectors now and after that I'll be handing myself back into the Alliance to deal with the aftermath."

"Shepard." The crew interrupted.

"Stop, keep focused on the Collectors. Dismissed."

The crew left reluctantly with Garrus staying behind.

"You have something to add Garrus?"

"Shepard handing yourself over?"

"You're ok with me blowing up a relay but not turning myself in."

"Well when you put it like that… I just don't think you should.."

"…Garrus. I'm responsible for more than 300,000 deaths…"

"..no the Reapers are."

She holds up her hands in surrender.

"Ok I know.. But the Alliance can only hide this for so long and when I hand myself in, I will warn everyone about the Reapers. Maybe more people will listen this time. But hey, we still might die in this suicide mission, so then I wouldn't have to hand myself in."

"Death or prison, I'm not liking either of those options."

"I know, but we'll deal with it when we get there ok?"

"Ok Shepard, but next time, don't go on a mission like that on your own."

She moves closer to him and strokes his arm with her hand. They lean closer together and tilt their foreheads together.

"I promise."