Disclaimer: Still not J.K. Rowling, and still don't have any ownership over the characters I am portraying. Nonetheless, I hope that the below chapter is well-received; it's one of the most important ones in the story.
Severus continued to absentmindedly read his fifth-year Potions textbook, letting his eyes blindly pass over information that had long since become second nature to him. It was more a habit to calm himself than anything else, the feel of the parchment against his fingers reminded him of times where he felt less overwhelmed by the reality of his life, a time that he had returned to yet felt like a stranger in.
It had been during his fifth year that Severus started scribbling in the margins, making corrections and improvements to his potion recipes, a habit Lily frequently teased him playfully for. Though it hadn't been until the N.E.W.T. level classes that his ideas had run so rampant that his copy of Advanced Potion-Making was literally covered in writing, both in his potion improvements and his custom-created spells.
Breaking the silence and his daydream was the voice of a certain redhead. "A knut for your thoughts?"
Severus' eyes shot up to meet those lovely green emeralds adorning the face of Lily, honestly surprised that she had returned considering her rush to leave this morning. "Lily? What are you doing here?" his voice shook with honest bewilderment.
Lily's peaceful smile she'd been wearing turned upside-down into a rather adorable pout. "What? Can I not see my friend when he's hurt? It's the least I could do with how I left earlier." She took her seat at his bedside, letting her right hand rest on his shoulder as the smile returned. "Honestly, Sev, I came to talk...and I mean REALLY talk. It's been awhile since we've done anything but row or share small banter, and I want to know what's going on in that mysterious head of yours."
His left hand slowly rose from his lap to press lightly against Lily's, the feel of her skin for the first time in over twenty-years sent a quaking shiver down his spine. It was so warm, so smooth, so inviting, that he couldn't stop the reflex of interlocking his fingers with hers. "What would you like to know?"
His motion startled Lily, who eyed their joined hands with an uncertain gaze. She had expected a reaction more along the lines of 'None of your business'; that would've been more characteristic of Severus, yet he almost dared her to proceed. Then again, nothing seemed characteristic of Severus anymore. "Everything. There's so much I want to know with how differently you've been acting...I've had my doubts that I'm even speaking to the same person anymore."
Taken aback by her honesty, Severus realized in that moment that his natural response: to lie, to hide, to misdirect as had been his duty for the past several years, was impossible. Looking into those deep, green eyes, eyes that were in the right face once again, he knew he could only speak the truth. "I doubt I can do much to make you think otherwise; but I won't lie to you, Lily. Ask me anything, and I'll give you an honest answer."
An inaudible gasp sent Lily's thoughts into a whirlwind as a million questions circled into her head, yet there was one that she had speculated for a long time. Before, it was something she almost didn't want to find out, for fear of complicating things, but the way Severus answered, it was a clear invitation to spill her speculations. If nothing else, she'd get a pulse on whether he truly meant what he'd said about honesty. An almost mischievous smile curled her lips upward. "Well for starters, do you have a crush on me, Sev?"
Lily had expected a dismissive snort, an embarrassed choke, or stuttered rambling dancing around the question. Any of those would have matched the shy Severus who seemed taken with her for a few years now. What she got, however, almost made HER speechless instead.
"Lily, I've never heard a more foolish question come from such a brilliant witch. To ask me to generalize my feelings for you as a 'crush' would be silly. But if it's an answer you're looking for, then yes, I suppose I do." Severus didn't blink, didn't turn away. In fact, it almost seemed like his answer was the most natural response in the world, like she'd asked him where a bezoar came from. His ebony eyes stared at her with an almost bored gaze, daring her to ask something more challenging. Yet she vaguely noticed the grip of their hands had tightened ever-so-slightly.
Lily stared wide-eyed at her friend, completely blown away by his answer. This wasn't the insecure Severus from down the road who seemed to have a chip on his shoulder, a constant need to validate himself as above everything ordinary in the world. This Sev was a fountain of self-control and despite her memories, seemed quite comfortable in his own skin. Clearly, he was more different now than she'd dared to dream before.
"Wh-what?! Sev…" she trailed off, her eyes searching, hungry to know more. "How long..?"
"Since always. I can't remember a time since I met you where I wasn't fascinated by you."
There it was again, almost stronger than before, if such a thing were possible. The strength in his voice, the absolute knowledge and comfort in his own words. Her eyes drifted again to their joined hands, a deep crimson flooding over her features as the truth came crashing down. Severus Snape had fancied her, for much longer than she'd dared to expect. It made so much sense, though. His immediate feud with James Potter had run more deeply and personally than she'd guessed, and she was the center of a great deal more animosity than just House loyalty or blood status.
As the blush slowly faded however, and reality became clear, Lily's expression hardened and her voice became more serious. "Then I suppose that makes this conversation all the more important, doesn't it?" Taking a deep breath in to compose herself, she continued. "If you care so much about me, then you understand why your behavior has hurt me so…What happened to us, Sev? We came into Hogwarts together, best friends. Yet for over a year now, I've had fears that we won't be leaving it together. That if you became anymore lost and untrue to yourself, anymore like them that my best friend would be gone.
"I always thought we'd be the exception to the Slytherin-Gryffindor rivalry. But now, it's like we've been letting something like that define our relationship...We fight almost constantly, you're always on the defensive, and yet I see and hear terrible things about you that you can't even deny. I go to bed every night wondering if my friend will be there in the morning."
She continued, gazing deeper into those eyes, seeing the pain rippling through those black pools. Lily had to choose her words very carefully like Severus had done lately, knew that was the only way to make her point without another row starting. "Look at me, Sev. I know I've made more than my fair share of accusations toward you and spent less time with you lately. I'm sorry for that, and I'm sure that only sent you closer to that Slytherin gang, but I don't know if I can bear it continuing anymore."
Lily's eyes began to flood with tears as she recalled the Defense Practical. She had to say it, even though the memory haunted her. She had to help him see why it was so important to her that he stop going on his path that would hurt her so. "Sev, I want us to be best friends again. So I'm going to confide something very personal to you, and I want you to promise never to tell anyone."
Severus nodded numbly, regretting that there had ever been a time where Lily's trust in him had been compromised. He already resigned himself to change for her, never to repeat the mistakes of his foolish childhood, but sought to indulge whatever she was about to tell him.
Lily closed her eyes tightly, her voice was shaking, almost fearful that he would take what she was about to say so personally that he'd never speak to her again. "Yesterday, something very awful happened to me at the end of the Defense Against the Dark Arts practical. You remember that portion where we were taken individually by the professor to a private room and were tested on the Patronus Charm and repelling a Boggart?"
Lily's voice began to quake harder, the tears streaming through her tightly shut eyes despite her attempts to keep calm. "You were my Boggart, Sev. I saw you wearing that dreadful Death Eater garb, minus the mask...I saw nothing but hatred for me in your eyes. You had your wand pointed at me...called me a worthless Mudblood, and cast that spell on me and my family, your Sectumsempra…" She started to hyperventilate, unable to shake it out of her mind. "You said we were unworthy of a quick death, that the Killing Curse was too merciful for all the times that I tried to change who you wanted to be...You cut down Tuney...Mum...Daddy...and turned your wand to me!"
Lily ripped her hand out of the hold of her friend and buried her face in both of her hands, weeping uncontrollably. "I couldn't cast Riddikulus successfully. I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn't real, that you couldn't possibly say that word to me. But the confidence didn't come. I knew you'd called other Muggleborns that name, and in that moment, I couldn't muster any faith in you...The Professor had to step in, and I'm almost certain that my grade dropped at least one level...as if something silly like a grade matters when you can't shake the feeling that your best friend might hate you…"
Throughout Lily's hysterical sobbing, Severus' eyes shot open with a terrible realization. "That's why she never forgave you, you damned imbecile!" Suddenly, things made so much sense. He had been turning into her absolute worst fear. It didn't matter how sorry he was that he'd called her that; she had trouble convincing herself that he wouldn't, couldn't call her that vile word. And once he had, nothing was off the table. In her eyes, the notion of her Boggart becoming reality was so fresh in her mind that she couldn't afford to give him another chance. The sight of Lily's shivering form was more painful than anything he'd ever experienced. He couldn't stop himself from wrapping his arms tightly around her, wanting nothing more than to protect her from all of her fears and sadness.
Lily's sobs quieted when she felt his embrace, followed by the most delicate voice she had ever heard Severus muster, whisper into her ears. "I'm so sorry...more than you could ever understand, Lily, I'm sorry for EVERYTHING. The only thing I could say to help you see is to tell you of my own Boggart."
"We saw it in third year, Sev...I already know that your greatest fear is your dad's abuse…"
"No!" he quietly snapped. It had been true, at one time, that Severus was most scared of his father. That had indeed been his Boggart during this point in time of his first life, but he had to tell her, give her a more complete picture of who he was now, not then. "Lily, my Boggart, my greatest fear, is seeing you dead. Murdered. Your corpse laying on the ground before me. That light in your beautiful eyes gone, never to return." His words continued pouring out, unable to keep from confessing his sins to her. "It was all MY fault! I didn't kill you, but I as good as did it! I stood by and let you die. And for what?! Blood purity, Slytherin ideals, and a fool who calls himself the Dark Lord? None of it was worth a damn! I didn't realize what was truly important to me until it was too late! I never forgave myself for that, Lily."
Lily became deathly still in his arms, backing away slightly so she could look into his obsidian eyes again. The emeralds gleamed with the tears, but also with a dawning understanding. "Oh Sev...That's why you-!" With a beautiful smile bursting forth from the sadness, she kissed his cheek swiftly, tightly returning the embrace as she rested her chin on his shoulder. "That's what you saw...that's why you've been so different since right after the Defense Exam! I was so scared that it was just the concussion, that you'd turn back after you recovered. But this is you, this is really you, isn't it?!"
Severus barely processed Lily's reaction, her kiss leaving a wonderful warmth on his cheek as he held their embrace. She thought it was just a Boggart. Could he tell her the real truth? That all of it had actually happened in another life. Would she believe him? Would she hate him for it if she did? He pushed all of that into the back of his mind; he would tell her some other time when it didn't add to a pile of overwhelming confessions. As it was, he answered her pleading question. "Yes, it is me, Lily. I'm sorry it took so bloody long for me to grow up, but it's me."
It made so much sense to Lily as she was nestled in Severus' arms. The change in attitude, his defending her from Avery, it was all from being shaken by a Boggart. She found herself not wanting to leave his arms, the embrace promising such a newfound sense of safety that she almost felt ashamed at ever distrusting or being scared of him to begin with. Yet there was a nagging feeling, the memory from earlier today that she had to confront him about.
Letting her arms drop to her sides and return to her seat, Lily felt a stab of longing that was almost subconscious in its origin. Still, it gave her an opportunity to look into his eyes again, with a strange shift in the sensations it brought. Suddenly, it wasn't like drowning in a pool, but being surrounded by an armor, an aura of protection that his eyes offered her. "Sev, you have no idea how happy that makes me...to know how much you really care. I almost feel ashamed to admit this, but there's something else I want you to promise me-"
"Anything." Severus interrupted.
His response so automatic that it startled Lily. She believed him, but the nagging feeling wouldn't go away until she let it out. "Sev, earlier today, you threatened Avery...You know I find him repulsive, but your willingness to threaten another person with a spell like that…" she shuddered. "There are other ways to defend yourself, Sev. Sectumsempra frightens me. You're such a brilliant wizard; you've created a lot of spells and I know you could make so many better ones. That wonderful person I know you can be, you could share it with the world around you. I just can't believe that you could make something like that, with seemingly no other purpose but to severely harm someone else…"
Lily shook her head, the tears returning, slightly less than before. "You're not that kind of person, Sev. That spell can kill. It causes wounds that are difficult to impossible to heal."
Lily's voice was quivering in obvious pain, her frantic sadness threatening to cause another breakdown. Yet she couldn't break eye contact, needed him to hear her out. "Promise me, Sev! You're not a murderer! Promise me you'll never cast that spell again! Please, Sev! Promise me!"
Severus simply stared, speechless at her pleading, almost unable to believe a spell could affect her so deeply. Then again, he supposed a great part of her aversion to Sectumsempra was the nature of her Boggart. The truth of the matter was that he hadn't killed anyone with Sectumsempra, ever. The only two people he had killed during his life were with the Killing Curse, one of which had been arranged in advance, yet both of which had left severe wounds on his soul. Still, she continued to stare, with eyes that could cut deeper than his signature spell, cut him to his core, where his only desire was to make things right for Lily.
Severus didn't respond to Lily's pleading with words of his own, as a deeper instinct took root in his body. He looked down at the Potions textbook in his lap, gripping it in his hands and flipping the pages rapidly. He knew the page by heart: Page 394. Upon reaching his destination, he eyed the spell's incantation and the vague notation of its purpose. 'For Enemies'.
Once more, the black eyes met the green as Severus ripped the page out of his book, showing it to Lily without a word. Immediately, his hand tightened, crumpling up the page and its violent contents into a ball as a tender look was shared in both of their eyes. "It's still not enough…" Severus could dimly hear his subconscious telling him, as his love for Lily began to build up, burning to a fever pitch until it became all he could focus on.
Suddenly, the crumpled ball of parchment lit up in his hand, burning in a conflagration of Bluebell Flames. The cold fire burned harmlessly, blanketing both of their emotional faces with its gentle, azure glow. How he had cast the spell, or why this charm, Severus didn't know. And in this moment, it hardly mattered to him. As the charring remains of the page burned to ash in his hand, only four simple words escaped his lips. "Never again...I promise."
After a few moments, the flames dissolved and the glow faded. Yet as it did, Lily's face was positively glowing on its own with happiness at his gesture. She reached forward again, wrapping her arms around Severus, letting out a sigh radiating with absolute contentment. "I'm glad to have you back, Sev…"
Severus smiled against the shoulder of Lily as he returned the embrace. "I'm glad to have you back too, Lily…"
"So much more than I think you can imagine…" he added mentally.
Author's Note: Phew. I spent a great deal of time trying to write this particular chapter, as it has a number of things in it that are going to define Severus and Lily's relationship path over the course of this fanfiction. I tried to integrate the fact that their original relationship had fallen apart right after the Defense O.W.L. I gave Lily a Boggart that wouldn't be so outlandish and out of character, yet still give it a purpose as to why she never forgave Sev despite how obviously remorseful he was.
Regarding Sectumsempra: Lily has a very strong aversion to Dark Magic that's obviously displayed in the books. Now, while Dark Magic isn't necessarily Evil Magic, the fact that Severus created a curse with such dangerous potential would shake her deeply considering how important he was to her. Can non-Dark spells have the potential to kill? Of course. But Sectumsempra was created explicitly for the purpose of harming his enemies with a spell that, if forceful enough, could (and has in the books) dismember someone permanently or cause death by blood loss. That fact alone, I'm sure put a strain on their relationship. And so the promise to never cast it again has been made.
As always, I appreciate all of the feedback and reviews, and hope this chapter is my most well-received yet; it's the one I spent by far the most time on. Please continue to review and let me know what you all think; I really enjoy reading the thoughts that others have on my work!