Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or concepts presented in the books of the Harry Potter series. There is a quote by Severus in this chapter taken directly from Order of the Phoenix - Chapter 24: Occlumency.
It had been a difficult matter to explain to Professor McGonagall why there was so much carnage wrought at the edge of the Great Lake when she finally arrived alongside Alice. The Head of Gryffindor could hardly take the notorious Marauders at their word when they explained that a small war had broken out, and that the Slytherins were the ones who instigated it. But upon corroboration from Lily of the events that had taken place, the Professor set her wrathful gaze on the fallen Slytherins, most notably the barely-conscious form of Evan Rosier.
"An Unforgivable Curse is called such for a reason, Mr. Rosier. You will answer to the Headmaster for what you have done to Mr. Lupin and Miss Evans, and the severity of your actions leads me to believe that expulsion will be the least of your worries. In the meantime, Miss Fortescue, please escort Miss Evans up to the Hospital Wing to make sure there are no complications from that dreadful curse. Mr. Potter, conjure a stretcher for Mr. Lupin and follow the two ladies up to the Castle. Be VERY careful not to aggravate his wounds further; whatever he was cursed by is very difficult for me to keep under control here.
"As for you, Mr. Black, you will come with me to the Headmaster's Office with Mr. Rosier in tow so we may take your statement on what happened. I suspect we'll need corroborating statements from you all, but given that you're the least wounded by the incident, the others should have a chance to compose themselves in the Hospital Wing."
Lily mustered what little strength she had to follow behind Alice as she passed by Remus' wounded body, her eyes widening at the severity of his injury. She had to help; she knew that Madam Pomfrey wouldn't have an immediate answer for a spell that her best friend had made. She turned to her Head of House and spoke, her voice heavy with fatigue from the ordeal of Rosier's torture. "Professor, that curse was made by Severus...I know him. If he's made it, he's made a counter-curse for it. That's Remus' best chance at recovering without serious-"
But Lily was cut off by the loud protest of James, who had just started to summon his friend's stretcher. "Don't even suggest letting him come close to Remus, Evans! Snape might've come to the rescue, but did you see that look in his eyes?! He's off his rocker! He was primed to kill; I don't care if Rosier's scum or not, he'd have done it and you know it!"
McGonagall immediately silenced her two students before an argument could ensue. "Enough! Now, Miss Evans, the first priority is getting my students to Madam Pomfrey to ensure their care and safety. If she cannot adequately help Mr. Lupin, we shall go about finding Mr. Snape; we'll need him for questioning about the incident anyway." The aging witch cast a levitation charm on the quivering body of Rosier and led Sirius up the hill back towards the castle.
As Lily limped gingerly up the hill, with an arm around Alice's shoulder for support, the young witch was roused from her thoughts by the Head Girl. "I should've stayed behind and helped. You and Remus wouldn't be in such bad shape right now if I had been there...I can't believe that monster actually cast the Cruciatus on you for getting in his way." Alice shuddered at her own words, and Lily could feel a trembling down the back of her fellow witch.
"Alice...please don't take me to the Hospital Wing. I'll be fine, really; most of the pain is gone and all that's left is a bit of soreness." She turned her head back to James and Remus, the former gently leading the prone body of the latter a few paces behind them. Her eyes glinted with tears, unable to see her friend like this, a product of her nightmares.
"I have to find Sev...he can help Remus."
"Potter." Lily called over her shoulder, her pace slowing to allow them to catch up. "Please, listen to me. Madam Pomfrey isn't going to have an answer for this spell, not with wounds as severe as what Remus suffered." she pointed a quivering finger to the growing pool of red underneath the bandages that McGonagall had conjured for a short-term remedy to his bleeding. "I have to find Severus, please, pull out your map that you've been bragging about and tell me where he is."
James shook his head, eyes swimming with an emotion between sorrow and insulted. "Evans, I get that he's your friend, alright? That's why he came; it has nothing to do with concern for any of us. Give me one reason why I should trust him with my friend after that little display of his!"
"Because he's MY friend too, Potter! And you should trust Severus because I trust Severus. That 'little display' as you call it confirmed everything that I was hoping; he's not with that Slytherin gang anymore. Rosier is the last person that Severus would've attacked if he truly had any aspirations of joining the Death Eaters."
Alice turned her head to face Lily, a thoughtful look of contemplation in her blue eyes before finally turning to James. "Do it, James. Pull out the map and I promise that, just this once, I'll turn a blind eye to the fact that you carry something so intrusive."
James' brow furrowed noticeably despite his glasses and waved his wand, summoning his school robes in his free arm before reaching inside and taking out a piece of blank parchment. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." he grumbled before tapping it with his wand and handed it to Alice.
As the Head Girl unfolded the map and lowered it so that both she and Lily could see, after a few moments, frustration gathered on both of the girls' faces. "What's the idea? I don't see Severus Snape anywhere on this map!"
Taking it back from the girls to look at the map again for himself, James' hazel eyes expertly trailed the entire length of the parchment before chuckling sarcastically. "Well, Fortescue, either Snape's found some way to Apparate off the school grounds…" he began, folding it and placing it back inside his robe's pocket. "Or he's locked himself in the Come and Go Room."
Alice snorted at her younger housemate's implication. "Come off it, James; the Room of Requirement is just a rumor. I haven't seen it in seven years of being here."
James swept his hand through his dark hair and smirked at the pair of witches. "That's because I doubt our beloved Head Girl has ever needed a hiding place for certain...goodies that might be confiscated if they were found during dorm inspections. Trust me, ladies, it exists. But none of us could figure out how to properly put it on the map, so it's the one blind spot in all of Hogwarts."
Lily's gaze wavered between her housemates. "I'm lost. What's the Room of Requirement, Alice?"
Letting out an exasperated sigh, the older witch relented. "According to the myth, the Room's got a mind of its own and won't show itself to anyone unless they have some glaring need for it. Bit of a cock-and-bull story if you ask me, but it keeps being mentioned so the rumor never really dies. Where, James, did you find this supposed room?"
"Not too far from the Fat Lady's portrait, actually. A few corridors away, near that hilarious tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. Pace near it three times with a specific need in your mind, and it'll open for you, with whatever it is that you have need of waiting inside."
Alice merely shook her head with annoyed disbelief, turning to Lily. "Fine, we'll go try it, Lily. But once this little expedition is over with, I AM taking you to Madam Pomfrey."
Severus' breathing was shallow as he looked blankly ahead, his Occlumency firmly up as he still felt the backlash of his emotional outburst. He tried to make sense of it all; why had his rebirth done this to him? Why did whatever divine force that brought him back seek to cruelly rob him of his magic and only give it back when he surrendered himself to emotion and abandon his prowess at Occluding?
At this thought of resentment, a flicker of a memory entered his mind. He remembered his words well, words he had spoken to Harry Potter during his futile attempts to teach the boy Occlumency..
"Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions, who wallow in sad memories and allow themselves to be provoked this easily - weak people, in other words - they stand no chance against his powers! He will penetrate your mind with absurd ease, Potter!"
"Is that my fate then?" Severus asked himself mentally. "Am I to be the fool who must wallow in pain and sadness if I am to have any hope of being strong enough to fight for what's important?!"
His feet swayed in the air underneath his sitting position, unaware that he was joined by someone else as he stayed locked in his thoughts…
Lily and Alice were astounded when the door materialized amidst the stone when they did as James described. Her only thoughts on her mind as she passed the empty wall were simple. "I have to find Sev...I need to find Sev. Please, let me find Sev!"
The older witch could scarcely keep her mouth closed long enough to string words together, her shock at their discovery still apparent. "Uhm...Lily. If he's inside, I doubt I need to be going in. He's your friend, and he'll listen to you alone more than he will with me around. Get him to come out and help Remus; I'll see you when you get to the Hospital Wing."
Lily nodded to her friend with a weak smile as she watched her walk back down the hallway, before turning to the large, stone door that had presented itself to her. She reached for it, fingers trembling as she touched it. She knew that whatever was behind this door would be very telling of her best friend's mood at the moment. If James Potter's words describing the purpose of the room were to be believed, it changed itself to match the needs of its guest.
Lily remembered that red haze that seemed to cloud Severus' eyes as he nearly drowned Rosier, that same look she remembered had been given to her by her Boggart. She shuddered at the possibilities. Would she find him surrounded by a mountain of books of Dark Magic that he would use to torture Rosier as she had been? Would he be brewing poisons that would be spread amongst the entire Slytherin trio as payback for the incident? She had considered every possible, dark avenue that would match what she saw in her best friend's eyes, and with a defeated shiver, resigned herself to face whatever grim place she would find her best friend in and pushed the door open.
What Lily hadn't expected was to be blinded by a bright sunlight as she stepped into the room, feeling the familiar sensation of grass underneath her feet as fresh air entered her lungs. Her eyes adjusted to her new surroundings as the door shut behind her, and Lily was shocked to find herself in a very familiar place. It was the park back home in Cokeworth, where she had first met Severus.
She saw the pitiful sight of her best friend barely moving on the swing which she had gleefully flown off of all those years ago, his feet lifelessly dragging on the ground as he sat lost in his own thoughts. Seeing the sight of such a wonderful memory juxtaposed by the grim figure of Severus obviously shaken by what had occurred at the lake left Lily with a stabbing pain in her heart as tears started to trickle down her cheeks.
"Oh Sev...Why? Why would you be here?" was all Lily could think to herself as her feet moved towards Severus almost of their own accord. As gentle as she was placing her hand on his shoulder, he shot forward again like her touch had hurt him as he broke out of his thoughts. She looked down at her friend as his gaze rose to meet hers, an audible shudder escaping her lips as she saw something that hurt her just as deeply.
The heavy sense of exhaustion that Lily had seen in her friend's eyes before was but a fraction of the fatigue they showed now. It haunted Lily, seeing Severus like this. It was like looking into the eyes of an animal at the zoo, one whose soul had long since died and left it as a hollow shell that accepted defeat. She had known that life was not easy for her best friend; though she had never imagined that he was this affected by it.
Severus stared searchingly into Lily's green eyes, as he choked out in a raspy voice "What are you doing here..?"
All purpose Lily had in finding Severus was lost in that moment as she heard the pain shivering in his voice; his obvious attempts to hide it were completely ineffective. All her mind knew in seeing him was that she had to help him fight back against whatever was hurting him so. She knelt down to meet him at eye-level as she reached forward and hugged him.
"Sev, it's okay. I'm okay. You did the right thing letting him go…" she sniffled, trying not to break down at seeing him like this. "Why are you hurting so much? Sev, what happened with Dumbledore?"
Severus lifelessly draped one arm around Lily's body, unable to muster the emotion of holding her tightly without the fear of his armor...his safety breaking loose and failing him again. "I...I can't hide anymore, Lily...I can't fight without all of this sweeping in. There's so much I've held inside, so much that has to stay inside, but my magic doesn't respond anymore if I keep it in…"
Lily could hear the misery that broke from his empty voice every couple of words. Something was truly lingering in Severus' mind and was so excruciating that it was threatening to destroy him. She released the hug to hold him at arm's' length instead, looking into those eyes and again seeing a shift.
No longer did those expressive, black eyes represent an bottomless pool, nor did they shine of that protective glint. Now, all Lily could see was an icy, glazed look of absolute defeat. Whatever he was hiding from was killing him.
"Sev...you can tell me. Whatever it is, you can tell me and I'll try to help, I promise!"
As his eyes barely registered the tears running down Lily's face, only one thought permeated his mind as the voice within him spoke again.
"No she can't help...You don't deserve her. You've never deserved her."
Unable to break free of her gaze and upon being assaulted by that voice, something far more potent lept forward past the holes in his armor. Another memory.
The lake...James Potter's attack...Lily coming to help him...and then…
"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"
Severus broke his gaze, snapping forward as he cradled his head with his arms, trying desperately to keep everything in as his breaths became rapid and labored. He thought he had heard something, a single intake of breath that was hidden amidst his own.
"Sev...what..? What was that?" Her voice was quivering even worse than his. "What...did I just see?"
Immediately, Severus' attempts to breathe were stopped at the sudden realization that Lily had just seen what he had. Could see what had truly happened on that horrendous day by the lake. He had to lie, had to deflect the question, but all that poured from his lips was a breathless, misery-filled confession as he looked back into her eyes with a look that could never convey how sorry he truly was.
"My worst memory…"
Lily's wide eyes narrowed in confusion. "But...what? Sev, no...you've never called me that. I know now, you would never call me that…" Her voice was so gentle, so caring as she pressed her hand against his left sleeve, right over…
He was kneeling, his breaths weak due to the pain of the ritual, but smiling with pride as he looked up to the face of his master. He relished in the pain, knew that from this point forward, the burning on his arm would remind him that he was a part of something grand. The Dark Mark was a branding that proved his worth, and soon all of his dreams would come true as he pledged his oath of loyalty to the Dark Lord.
Severus snapped back to reality again, his arm recoiling from her touch as he curled it back to his chest. His hyperventilating, if such a thing were possible, was even more rapid and frantic than it was before as he covered his left arm with great shame. His eyes were cast downward, unwilling to face her emeralds anymore for fear that he would see a hatred and disgust far worse than that night at Gryffindor Tower a lifetime ago.
Lily's hand, which she had meant to offer to her friend as a source of comfort, was shaking. She was sure of what she had seen. She saw him, Voldemort, that evil man whose name had grown so notorious that it had become unspeakable. A pale face adorned by dark hair, a faint red glow in his eyes. A face that she had seen more than a few times in the Daily Prophet's front page news as of late. And she also saw her friend, kneeling before the dark wizard and placing his life firmly in his service. She saw the nightmarish mark that had been branded upon his arm as he proudly became everything she feared...
She was unsure of what to do...it had seemed so real, as whatever had forced itself from Severus' mind had shown her the images in such vivid detail. But she shook her head, knowing that this Sev, her Sev, could never have done any of those things if the images were affecting him with such pain. No Death Eater would be ashamed of what they had both just seen...She had to show him what she already knew.
Severus maintained an iron grip over his left forearm, determined not to reveal any more to Lily. But as he felt her take his arms into her hands, the smoothness of her skin left his grip with little more strength than a soaking dish rag.
He trembled, but didn't pull back, when Lily peeled his left sleeve back, a sigh of relief breaking her breathless silence as she held the clean, pale arm to him, no Dark Mark in sight.
"Sev, look...it's not real...You're not one of them; you'll NEVER be one of them! Please…" she took his unresisting arms, and wrapped them around her neck as she burrowed her face into his chest. "Whatever is wrong, Sev, please, let it go! I'm here!"
The pleading words of his beloved Lily were all he could take as he felt his Occlumency crumble once more as nearly twenty years of regret and pain began to push outward, the childhood pride at wanting to impress Lily long dead as the tears poured down Severus' face. He returned her embrace with an equal fervor, holding her tightly as he finally wept like the weak boy he knew he appeared to be.
It was here, unprotected by his Occlumency, that Severus finally understood the circumstances, that he was, in fact, alive again, that Lily Evans was here with him. He had known for days, but it wasn't until now that the reality of it all crashed down upon him in his moment of vulnerability. He held her as tightly as he could without hurting her; he feared, in that moment, that if he didn't, that she might be ripped from his arms and sent once more into the abyss of death, leaving him alone again. His voice choked out, begging and pleading, "Lily...you're here...please say this is real...please tell me you're here..!"
Lily moved her body upward, remaining firmly in her best friend's embrace as she kissed his forehead, staining his hair with her own tears. "Shh...Sev...it's okay. I'm here, Sev...I promise this is real...It will always be real."
For nearly half an hour, the only noise that echoed throughout the Room of Requirement was the creaking of the swing alongside the sniffles and shallow breaths of two young friends as they sat, hugging one another with no feelings or emotions held back any longer.
Author's Note: Phew. Two heavy breakdowns back to back. I hope that I'm adequately conveying the true depths of the pain that we all know exists deep within Severus' heart. Twenty years of locking everything away in a vault, never to be opened, would drive anyone to the brink of madness, let alone someone who has seen and done as much as he has. With that in mind, I knew that I couldn't stop Severus' emotion with just the anger from last chapter; there needed to be a great amount of sorrow and shame as well. And it all needs to be let out in order for him to progress and mature as a character.
This long Sunday is going to end next chapter, finally, and I promise that a few of the minor things will be solved before the O.W.L.s start. Remus' wounds are going to be healed by Severus at Lily's request, and justice will be dealt to both Rosier, and also Mulciber for his prank on Mary. How will the young Gryffindors react to the strangely-reformed Severus?
Also, I'm pleased to announce that my story has just passed 100 Followers. I'm so glad to see that this many people are enjoying my work, and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I love writing it. If you REALLY enjoy what you read, by all means write a review and give me your feedback; it's much appreciated and can help refine what I write next. It also gives me a much more detailed view on what the fans of Tempus Vita think of it, and that's something that's very valuable to me as a writer. Thanks again and please stay tuned for the next chapter!