A/N: Wow. This took me for-fucking-ever. Seriously. It's 1.15am and I didn't think I'd still be trying to get this write. It could be better but I'm putting it all up now. I know the med episode will make this irrelevant but at least mine has Erin supporting Jay. lol
Sorry if I rush over the cancer talk, but it's hard for me to write about it due to personal reasons.
Enjoy!
Here with you Part 2
My car comes to a stop in front of the apartment building I shared with Erin, a mix of conflicting feelings overwhelming me. Bitterness consumes me when I think of my father; along with relief he's okay.
It felt like I couldn't stay in the room a moment longer without having it out with him, brining every unresolved feeling to the surface.
These last weeks spent with my support group digging up my past have been difficult.
I've been made to confront the hardest years of my life, the trauma still feeling fresh from the tours. I've been remembering the hurt, betrayal and anger I felt towards my family for their treatment of me when I returned.
The lack of support provided to me, my dying mother the only one left to welcome what was left of me back home.
I recall having to pretend I was fine, seeing in her eyes that she didn't believe it in her heart.
Until the end of her treatment I acted like the boy she raised, disbelief that she didn't carry anger towards Will and dad. She always told me, the anger wouldn't do her any good when she left this world. She had to let it go.
I run a hand through my hair as I reach the apartment door needing Erin's comfort tonight, feeling ready to let her in. If she'll even still have me.
I knock on the door even though I'm sure she won't be home yet. When there is no answer I slide down to the floor, content with waiting for her.
Knowing I'll wait for Erin as long as it takes, in every respect.
Erin POV
I hug the take out against my waist as I exit onto my floor, pulling my phone out to scroll through my contacts. My finger hovers over the number for a few moments, taking in the small contact picture. I smile thinking of the day we took that photo, Jay setting it to his name in my phone with a playful smirk.
The phone rings in my ear as I wait to see if he'll answer, I frown when I hear a distinct ringing nearby.
I pull the phone away from my ear as I round the corner to see Jay leaning against the apartment door, his phone in his hand.
"Hey." I breathe out as I wave the phone at him.
"I was just calling you, wanted to see if you needed anything." I close the distance between us.
"I do." He looks vulnerable sitting there, the looks in his eyes breaking my heart.
"Then you came to the right place. Thai?" I gesture to the bag and he nods gratefully.
I slip my phone in my back pocket before holding my hand out, Jay takes it and I pull him to his feet.
For a moment his body brushes against mine, my eyes flutter closed as I inhale his scent.
He takes the food from me while I unlock the door and let us inside.
I watch him take in the apartment as we walk through, almost as if he's analyzing it to see if anything has changed.
"I'll grab some plates, want a beer?" I head towards the kitchen.
"No thanks. Don't think it's a good idea."
"Oh." It hits me again that I don't know what Jay's been dealing with these weeks since we split, has alcohol become a concern for him again?
Nor do I even know the role it played the first time.
Dinner has been silent apart from the noise on the TV; Jay seemed to need the stillness and the familiarity of my company.
The routine that was so familiar to us both offering him comfort on a day when his world is turned around.
"You're my family." His whisper words bring my attention to him suddenly.
"Jay?"
"You're my family. And I walked out…" He's shaking his head, regret on his face.
"Jay, don't." I stand up quickly, putting distance between us.
Tears fall down my face as I turn away from him; I wipe them away trying to compose myself.
"I've fucked us up haven't I?"
"Jay, don't do this tonight." My whispered voice barely conceals my hurt.
"Why not?"
"I'm here for you. If you want to talk about your dad, or just talk about random things… or watch TV. I'm here." I turn back to him, lips quivering again.
"But talking about us? Not now, not tonight." My heads shaking, arms crossing my chest protectively.
"Why Erin?" Jay stands.
"Because I need space… you said you needed space." I take a step back when he tries to close the distance.
"I was wrong."
"When did you work that out?" My tone is harsh.
"Life's short Erin… I don't want to waste time apart. You feel our connection, we can't be apart… it's not who we are. Everytime I have a breakthrough with my support group I want to come home and tell you about it. But I can't." He's pleading with me.
"Because you walked out Jay."
"I'm sorry."
"Well sorry doesn't fix it." The loudness of my tone surprises even me.
"What can I do? What can I say?" Jay takes a step forward but I hold my ground.
"Jay, not now. How do I know you mean this? You could just be emotional because of your dad."
"I mean this." He's fierce, sincerity in his gaze.
"I want to believe you but I can't. Because I don't know if I can take you back… I don't know if I can forgive you. I can never forget the image of you packing a bag and leaving me. Everyone leaves… but you…" My voice trails off, tears rendering me unable to finish the sentence.
"I won't ever leave again."
"How can I trust that?" I shrug at him, wishing the tears would stop betraying me.
"You can trust me."
"I don't know if I can." The hurt on Jay's face at my words sends a stabbing pain to my chest.
"Please Erin."
"We've been down this road before Jay. Something keeps getting in the way." My hands press against his chest as he closes the distance between us. My stubborn feet refuse to take another step backwards.
"Please give me one of those second chances you keep handing out." I close my eyes briefly.
"You mean one of the ones I keep giving to Bunny?"
"Yeah… I won't let you down." His hands rest over mine on his chest, my head shaking.
"You have more potential to hurt me…" He's shaking his head, trying to bring his forehead down against mine.
"Just not tonight Jay… please." I'm sobbing.
"But if I leave I'm scared you'll never let me back." The tears slipping down his own cheeks convincing me to push through the pain.
"Why'd you leave me?" My voice sounds broken, even to my ears.
"Because I was scared."
"That I couldn't handle it." My voice is bitter.
"No, that I couldn't."
"What?" My whispered voice is layered with shock.
"Telling you everything I've done… the nightmares that haunt me… and the man I was when I got back. I'm not proud."
"Jay, we've all got something we're not proud of. You know how I grew up. I did a lot I'm not proud of. You asked and I trusted you with it." My hands are itching to brush his tears away.
"I couldn't handle to see the look in your eyes while I told you everything. I didn't know how to talk about it with someone who doesn't know what it's like."
"But I was your partner."
"I know. I've been meeting a guy from my support group. He pushed his wife away when he first got back. When he finally stopped, he started coping better."
"I want to be there for you." I finally whisper, listening to my heart.
"I want you to be." Jay whispers our foreheads touching.
"But I don't know how… so much has happened. We are so far from where we were…" Jay can sense I'm pulling away.
"We can find us again."
"I just need to think."
"Erin, please." Jay's hands cup my cheeks, his forehead pressing firmer against mine.
"I don't know." I whisper, watching more tears slip down his cheeks.
"I want you."
"Jay."
"I need you." His lips are close to mine, my eyes close as they touch gently at first.
His lips hover over mine gently, almost seeking permission and I lean forward craving the feeling again.
I welcome his tongue into my mouth, the taste of salt from our tears hitting my senses.
"I love you." He whispers when he pulls away.
The apartment is silent, the air almost humming around us as Jay anxiously awaits my reply.
Mixed feelings swirl around as I look up into his hopeful eyes. I see sincerity and regret; I search deep inside me for forgiveness.
Knowing Jay has extending similar courtesies to me in the past, I try and locate the ability to trust him again with my heart.
"I love you too." I finally whisper, a ghost of a relieved smile covers his face.
"But I need you to let me in." He nods once.
"Because everything in your life, the good and bad… they made you the man you are. And I love you. So I want to know everything… for this to work. I need to know…"
"Okay." His promise comes quick and quiet.
"We should talk then."
"I'm sorry about Abby. I should have told you."
"Yeah. That really hurt me. That you never told… were never going to tell me."
"It was wrong. I won't keep a secret from you again."
"I was so insecure when I found out… especially given she was here. I expected reassurance from you… but you walked out. I was willing to forgive it, even though I should have been the one asking for time…" I swallow harshly.
"Can you ever forgive me?"
"I'll find a way. Because I love you… and deep down I know I don't want to lose you for good."
"What about your trust?"
"Open up… tell me everything. You can earn my trust."
Jay kisses me softly before taking my hands and walking us over to the couch.
"Take your time." I offer as he gathers his thoughts.
"Growing up I could never please my dad. I was an angry kid… hating how he treated my mum and how she just took it. Every fight I'd get into, he'd come down on me. Whenever I did something right, he'd still find fault. I couldn't wait to enlist. But even then, I couldn't escape his criticism."
"Angry because of your dad?"
"Yeah, that. My mum's cancer… being surrounded by rich kids with what seemed like easy lives. Dad drilled into Will and my head that we had to strive to be great. I just wanted to serve my country…"
"How old were you when your mum was diagnosed?" I whisper quietly, remember Camille and the battle she fought and lost.
"Twelve, the first time. Breast cancer. Watching her go through that was… hell. And I didn't exactly let my emotions out. I buried them and it just turned into rage and I lashed out."
"I'm sorry." My hand covers his.
"Mum made it into remission and I enlisted. When I got back… dad had not changed. The way he would speak about me to his friends… was like he was ashamed. He didn't want me to be a soldier, but he wanted to know why I didn't get more medals. I went back for another tour, ignoring the signs of PTSD. I felt guilty… like I was perfectly healthy and just sitting here. While men and women died."
Jay's face shows his struggle letting me in, confronting his past with me here.
"During my second tour… we were so pumped up on adrenalin trying to get a guy from our unit back that… I don't know. We rushed or were careless and a stray bullet hit a ten year old. I killed a ten year old… his mother's screams will never leave me. He had run over to his father… who was our target and we didn't see him until it was too late."
"Jay." I turn his face to me, making sure his eyes find mine.
His eyes flutter open, fear filling them. He relaxes when he sees the look in my eyes hasn't changed.
"It was an accident. You didn't mean to… you would never." Suddenly the cases where we stand over a child make sense, the look he gets in his eyes.
"His father sealed his fate when he became a terrorist. As heartbreaking as it is… as much as I wish I could take this from you. I can't."
"I've heard so many soldiers ask me to pass their love on… promised them so many things. They bled out in front of me… and I couldn't do anything." Jay swallows harshly.
"There wasn't a day without a firefight, they didn't bother me. I mean, sometimes I wake from a nightmare frozen in terror. Like I'm back there… but it's not what I struggled with the most. It was the friends I lost… there wasn't a week without sending someone home in a coffin."
"Jay." Tear slips down my cheeks, watching his pain.
"When I was here I was going to so many funerals, or I'd visit family of those who died in front of me. Feeling like I failed them… I didn't have a wife or kids to come back to. So why was I here?"
"You can't think like that. They wouldn't want you to. They would want you living your life, finding happiness. Just because you didn't have those things, it doesn't mean you wouldn't find them."
"I know now… because I have you." I lean forward, our foreheads touching.
"When I got back from my last tour, mum's cancer was back and prognosis was bad. She was dying and Will was off partying…" His voice is bitter, so much heartache being choked back.
"And your dad?"
"Gone. He left her. I wasn't there, Will wasn't there… and he left his dying wife." I wipe away his tears, even though more just fall.
"I was all alone in my pain. I couldn't share it with mum, I had to take care of her. To be the boy she remembered, so I pushed it down. Then she died…" Jay's voice breaks and I hold him while he cries.
"I had that grief to deal with too. Not just my fucked up head. I was lashing out at people, so angry and… I tried to drink away my feelings and memories. Tried to stay drunk so I could pass out and escape the nightmares. I am ashamed of who I was and how I treated people. You wouldn't recognise me."
"I wish I knew you then… I wish I could have helped you." I place a kiss to the edge of his mouth.
"I would have been horrible to you. Treated you badly…"
"Doesn't matter. That's what you do when you love someone… be there and push through. Which is what's happening now… so I do forgive you Jay. I see all of this has come up again and this is how you dealt with it then… so you thought that was the way."
"I shouldn't have left." He reaffirms and I nod softly.
"No, but you did. So let's just focus on the future. You're here… we'll be okay. I've got you… and I do trust you. Just please don't keep things from me."
"Never again. I can't lose you. You're the one Erin." I lean forward to brush our lips together.
"So you know the story of what comes next… I was carrying all of that around and went to a friend's funeral. You know… he asked me to do another tour with him. I couldn't help but think if I went then I wouldn't be watching his wife standing over his coffin."
"Yeah, you might not have made it back." Sickness fills me at the thought.
"I felt like I didn't deserve that. A real wife… I didn't think I'd find it. Find you…" His eyes stare into mine.
"So I was drunk, like most days. Abby was there… she was a mess and we just did it. I guess I don't know her motivations, but mine were… I didn't deserve the real thing. I don't know. I can't explain it. But I regretted it as soon as I was sober; it's what kicked me into gear. I stopped drinking, made amends with those I hurt. I pushed everything down… seemed healthier than drinking myself to death. I joined the police academy… I wanted purpose again and I wanted to do something meaningful."
I run my hand through his hair, scratching his head softly.
"I cut my dad out, I couldn't even look at him after mum… he's a reminder of everything. I couldn't deal with my time overseas so I sure as hell couldn't deal with someone who would never understand it. I look at him and I think of mum dying, then I think of how I was back then…" His eyes close as he tries to compose himself.
"When Abby showed up, she reminded me of this time of my life. I had to confront these memories, which means confronting what lead me there… my time in the Rangers."
"Thank you for letting me in Jay."
"I'm sorry it took me so long." There's only a few moments silence.
"Are you having many nightmares?"
"Yeah."
"You've had a few before you moved out… but you always pretended you didn't or they were nothing."
"Please know Erin that I wanted to reach out for you during them."
"Well now you can. I'm here with you." Jay brings his lips against mine again.
"How do you walk out on your dying wife?" Jay's tone is full of hurt and anger, confused at his father's actions.
"I don't know."
"I know compared to Bunny he's a saint but…"
"Don't compare them…" I whisper softly, running my thumb over his knucles.
"How do I forgive him though?"
"You ask yourself... if he died today would you regret not making amends with him? Would you regret missing his final days or years?"
"Maybe." His shrug is unsure.
"Why don't you sleep on it?" Jay's eyes are searching mine.
"Can I stay with you?"
"You better be." We meet in the middle for a sweet kiss.
"Come on babe." I stand up and hold my hand out for him, he accepts it and we walk into our bedroom.
Jay stops at the doorway, eyes taking in the room.
"I missed this… missed you." He pulls me close, our chests flush together.
"I wish I could take that memory away." He brushes hair back from my face gently, referring to the night he left me standing alone, hurt and confused.
"We all have memories we wish would leave us. No use trying to wish them away… let's create new ones. Better ones. The good will eventually out weigh the bad."
"I love you Erin."
"I love you too. Come on…" We fall back into the familiar routine, the silence comfortable as we move about.
Once we have showered and slipped into comfortable clothes, we crawl into bed.
"I strangely missed sleeping with an extra six pillows in bed." He pulls me close so our noses are touching, his hand caressing my face and my hand tracing patterns on his wrist.
"Bet you missed sleeping with me more." I giggle quietly as our noses brush gently against each other.
"I did. I love having you as the first and last thing I see every day…"
"The bed felt cold and empty without you… your scent disappeared too quickly. I've been sleeping in your shirts… but you didn't leave enough… the night I realized there were no more with your scent I didn't get much sleep."
"I'm so sorry."
"I know… we'll be okay Jay."
"Yeah? How do you know?"
"Because you're here with me." Our lips meet in a soft kiss, we pull away to lock gazes before leaning back in and fusing our lips together.
Jay's tongue slips into my mouth, a moan slipping past my lips as I cherish every second of us.
Jay POV
"You ready?" My fingers are tapping on the steering wheel, eyes glaring at the hospital.
"No. It would be so much easier to just stay mad."
"Life isn't always about doing what's easy." Erin reminds me gently.
"Okay. Let's go." We climb out of the car and walk towards the hospital, our hands joined.
"Thank you for last night Erin… and coming with me today."
"You don't have to thank me for being here for the man I love."
"I missed hearing you say that." Erin pulls on my hand and I stop walking to face her.
"Jay, I can't have you leave again. If you're back, it's forever. Please tell me it's for good." Her tone is pleading and fearful.
"Always. You won't face life alone."
"Okay." Erin blinks back the moisture from her hazel eyes before leaning into me as we continue through the hospital.
We slow down as we approach the room, Erin's hand caress my cheek before her lips find mine in a soft kiss meant to reassure me.
"You've got this." I nod once before we walk into the hospital room to see Will standing by Dad's bed.
"Jay, good to see you come back after leaving." Will shakes his head gently at the first words to come flying form my father lips.
"One of us has to know how to come back. Just because you leave doesn't mean you have to stay an asshole who can't admit he's wrong." I frown as the words leave a bitter taste in my mouth.
"I see you patched things up with your girl too."
"Yeah, well I know how to admit I fucked up." Erin's thumb is rubbing along my hand soothingly, her soft breathing next to me grounding me.
She leans into my arm softly, her scent lulling me back into a calmer state.
"I do too Jay. I fucked up." I raise my eyebrows in shock, Will's also supporting confusion on his face.
"You don't think I regret leaving your mother? I do everyday."
"You regret it?"
"Every single day." The air is heavy and thick with tension.
"So are you going to introduce me or not?"
"This is Erin, Erin this is my father Pat." I offer only a moments hesitation.
"Nice to meet you, Pat." Erin offers her hand and my dad shakes it.
"Likewise Erin. I'm glad my son has you… he does have you right?"
"Yeah, are you two back together?" Will speaks for the first time since we entered the room.
Erin and I are both silent, each waiting for the other to confirm as we look at each other.
Our gaze says it all and I finally find my voice.
"Yeah."
"Although we never really broke up, not really." Erin's voice is soft; she's speaking directly to me.
"Glad you came to your senses Bro. Alright, I gotta get back to work. Try not to kill each other." Will punches Jay in the shoulder, his concern masked poorly with humor.
"Thank you for forgiving Jay. From what Will told me Jay's really happy with you."
"He makes me happy too. Happiest I've ever been." I smile softly at her answer.
"Why did you?" They both look at me caught off guard, neither knowing who the question is directed at.
My blue eyes are almost staring right through my father and he sighs.
"Leave your mum?"
"Yeah. She was dying."
"I had an affair." A gasp falls through Erin's lips as her eyes take me in anxiously.
I blink rapidly, head bobbing confused and moisture stinging my eyes.
"What?" My voice is lethal.
"I had an affair, I came clean and she forgave me."
"I don't believe you."
"She was dying Jay. She forgave me…"
"So why'd you leave."
"Erin forgave you for a secret wife. Why'd you leave?"
"Because I was dealing with PTSD. You get PTSD from being a cheating asshole?" My hands are on my hips, dropping Erin's as I process this.
"Does Will know?" I ask again when it's clear he isn't going to reply.
"No. He was off in New York."
"Why'd you leave?"
"Because she forgave me but I couldn't stand the guilt. I didn't deserve her forgiveness so I left her. You're mother deserved better than me."
"You're damn right she did. But she didn't deserve to be alone." I'm shaking my head, barely able to control the rage.
"She had you."
"I was barely me at the time."
"I didn't know you were struggling Jay."
"You never asked. You weren't around to know."
"Guys, as much as I feel you should talk this out. Maybe a little calmer. He just had heart surgery babe." Erin hand is gently touching my upper arm, before she guides me to the chair by his bed.
Immediately I want to stand up, too much anger coursing through me.
Erin takes her place on the arm of the chair, a hand resting on the back of my neck. Her fingertips sooth me with their soft patterns.
"I didn't know how to forgive you for leaving mum, now I find out you cheated too…"
"I regret it and I'm sorry."
"Sorry doesn't take it all back." The words are familiar and leave a hostile taste in my mouth.
"Did she talk about me? In the end?"
"Yes. I didn't have the heart to beg her to stop. I wanted to tell her you didn't deserve a single thought of hers. But I wasn't going to deprive her of anything."
"What would she say?" Tears spring to my eyes, remembering the last memories I shared with my mum.
"Mainly she'd tell me you weren't always a bad guy. That you were once the man she fell in love with." I watch my dad struggle with his tears, guilt indicators on his face.
"I was a drinker."
"I know. I remember…"
"No, like an alcoholic. You're mother force me to AA all the time but I could never stay on the straight and narrow. She put up with me anyway." His head falls back, eyes closed and cheeks wet with sorrow.
"She told me to reach out when she passed, to forgive you. In the end I promised I would. But I didn't."
"You never would pick up the phone when I called."
"I've been stubborn and angry."
"I could have turned up at your door. We're both to blame here for our distance. You have every right to be angry at me for how I treated you and your mother. Especially now you know everything."
I lean into Erin seeking comfort and guidance, tears filling my eyes.
"Can you ever forgive me?"
"I don't know."
"Will you try?" I think about my mums last wishes, of that last promise I made to her. Guilt swirls around my stomach knowing I never kept it.
"I'll try. But I'll never forget."
I watch Erin recount the events from one of our busts; dad chuckling and I allow myself a smile as I watch them interact.
"I'm not surprised Jay's a cop. He was always wanting justice, he had this look in his eyes that he wanted to do good."
"He's a hell of a cop." Erin sends me a wink.
"I'm sure you are too. You seem good for him."
"Yeah, we're a good match. It felt right from the start, but we focused on our partnership first. Then friendship, then more. Jay's been with me through a lot. It's my turn." Erin squeezes my hand.
"You grew up in Chicago?"
"Yeah."
"Parents?"
"It's complicated."
"You and Jay like that word."
"Well, we're usually not complicated. Our relationship is generally the one thing that always makes sense. It's easy." I place a kiss on her hand.
"But you past isn't?"
"My mum is a junkie, the man who she thought was my father was in prison. Then too busy having another family. I finally meet him and it turns out he's not my father. God knows who is. Lived on the streets, then moved in with a cop who really set me on the right path. So yeah, complicated about covers it." Erin shrugs at my father, her fierce attitude clear as day.
"So you met on the job?" Dad changes the subject.
"Yeah, when we became partners." I answer.
"When did you know?"
"From the first day." Erin looks at me shocked.
"What?"
"Yeah."
"I guess I did too, but I was never really sure the feelings were returned. Even after the night of my reunion… I couldn't be sure."
"So when did you finally get together?"
"Our sergeant had strict rules about dating within the unit. But I left for the FBI, not long. But long enough to start something up. It was short lived… but we ended up back together. Officially and seriously this time." I watch Dad look between us both before settling his eyes on me.
"Jay, I don't want to overstep but you mentioned yesterday you were drinking when you got back. How serious was it?"
"Serious enough I blacked out daily, but not serious enough I couldn't stop myself. Or have difficulty with alcohol now."
"And your PTSD?"
"I'm dealing with it."
"Well, I'm here."
"I've got Erin." I fire back.
"I'm not saying that to hurt you. But Erin is who I need to get through this. I'm trying for forgiveness. We'll talk, but not about that. At least not anytime soon."
"Thank you for today." I place a kiss in Erin's hair as we lay together on the couch.
"I wouldn't have been anywhere else." She whispers back, her eyes dropping tiredly.
"It took everything to not walk out."
"I'm proud of you."
"Yeah." My reply is barely audible.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I just want to hold you." Erin tilts her head back and I lean down to press out lips together.
"I love you Jay."
"I love you too, always."
We hold each other close; knowing we can handle anything life throws our way.
A/N: UPDATE ON ALL MY STORIES, SEE BELOW
Okay. So this weekend I'm working and moving house. But I'm going to try hard to get unfinished stories completed or updated again.
I'll do the prompt for 4x19 first tomorrow.
Then Jay's List of Fantasies - do we can Erin's bedroom at Hanks, interrogation viewing room, mile high club?
Fate - duh. Sorry it's been like a week. Been super busy.
What if - do we still want this one? If so, any ideas?
Then there are a few short stories that I sort of left open for another chapter... like Regret. So I'm going to work on getting those completed over the coming weeks.
Valentines Day Sequel - this may be slow going but I will continue to add to it.
If only you knew - someone on twitter asked for more? Felt unfinished? Let me know if you want the pregnancy and more Linstead healing.
Sorry for the long a/n but if you can let me know if there is a particular story you want updated that would be so appreciated.
I promise I haven't forgotten them, just life has been crazy.
I've got about 30 days until my American trip so I want to get as much done as I can, cuz I'll then be offline for like 4 weeks.
Review :)