Chapter Three: First Date...?
"I am not wearing that."
"Why not? It'll help you out should something go wrong."
"Clint, I am not putting on anything that shocks, numbs, burns, freezes, or explodes on contact. Nor will I put that poison belt on." Peter patiently ground out. Clint's face fell. The two heroes were lounging in Peter's room as Tony and Steve kept hounding Peter on his date with Deadpool. He loved his dads but he needed his space or he would crack and start with the revenge webbing.
"Why not? It would be funny to see."
"You're not going on this date, I am. And no you cannot be my guardian. You can wait with dad and pops here and keep an eye on my tracker." Peter explained. He had been going through this whole thing since he woke up this morning. Everyone in the Avengers Tower had offered him either an escape plan or mace. So far Clint was the worse following closely by Sam. He suggested the whole team follow him.
"Where's the fun in that?" Clint asked finally giving up on trying to put a 'chastity' belt on him.
"Shouldn't you be with your family?" Peter asked as he randomly shot webs at the targets on his wall. Clint threw the explosive belt to the side. "And please take that thing with you. The last thing I need is another wall to be ruined."
"That was Banner's fault." Clint reminded as he sat on the desk chair. "All four times. And I would be home but Tony is under the impression that you and I are best friends and you listen to what I say. Which is true-"
"Since when have I ever listened to you?" Clint continued on as if Peter hadn't said anything.
"To an extent. And since you and (Clint's wife's name) get along so well she actually wants me to keep an eye on you to make sure Deadpool doesn't try anything."
"Somehow I don't think dad and pops could even make Deadpool any less crazy and psychotic if they did try." Peter's eyes once again darted to the clock on the nightstand. Only four more hours until he left for his date with Deadpool. The nerves were starting to overwhelm him.
"Why did you decide to go on the dates with him Pete?" Clint asked. Unlike everyone else Clint knew Peter wouldn't agree to something without first thinking it through and having a back-up or two on standby. He also knew Deadpool and while he may have been crazy there was also some brains in the man's head.
Peter stopped shooting his webs at the already covered targets and bit his lip in concentration. How to put what he was thinking into words was hard as his thoughts, at least when it came to Deadpool, were always harder for him to identify. Clint didn't try to hurry Peter as he searched for the words, he just watched.
"It seemed like the best option for everyone at the time. Deadpool may be many things but he's never lied to me. And I've worked with him so we're comfortable with each other. I figured that going on a date, or dates, with someone I knew was better than going on a date with someone I didn't know." Clint nodded.
"Understandable. But you do know that Steve and Tony aren't going to trust you alone with Deadpool."
"I know." Peter's grin was smug. "Friday?"
"Yes sir?" The A.I.'s voice came.
"Are the security measures set on dad's suits?"
"Only an emergency regarding S.H.I.E.L.D will be able to pull the suits out of their lock down mode. Vision has also made sure that Mr. Rogers bikes are low on fuel."
"And Tony's cars?" Clint asked.
"The keys all seem to have disappeared into a web." Peter informed Clint. Clint nodded.
"What about the chopper and jets?"
"Wanda's got that covered." Peter answered. His eyes drifted to the clock once again and he grimaced. "I hate waiting."
"So we've all noticed." Clint smirked. "Wanna go spar for a bit? Nat needs to be taken down a peg." Peter snorted getting up.
"Are you going to run away with your tail between your legs again?"
"If you were smart you would do the same thing." Clint responded. "Seriously, how she left you alive after you webbed her boobs is still a mystery." Peter's face colored a bit.
"You don't want to know." Clint opened his mouth. "No, seriously you don't want to know."
At six o'clock later that evening Peter was suited up. Well sort of.
"Are you sure you don't want one of us to shadow you in case-" Peter cut Steve off.
"Pops, please quit asking you already know the answer. I'll be fine. I'll text you when I get there and I'll text you again if we go somewhere."
"You can't blame your pops Peter." Tony grumbled. He was still in a bad mood when he found out Friday was restricting access to his suits. While he was sulking Steve was reluctantly accepting the fact that Peter didn't want back-up. "Can't believe the kids are rioting."
"Just promise us you'll call if something bad happens. Doesn't matter how bad it is we'll come okay?" Steve assured.
"Don't worry I will pops." Peter smiled. "I'm still the amazing Spiderman remember?" Steve's smile was a cross between sad and proud.
"Just be careful cause if Deadpool tries anything I'm going to be experimenting with his healing factor." Tony growled. Peter just nodded once.
"Got it, now uh pops? Can you give me my mask back?" Once Spiderman was fully suited up he said one last goodbye before Clint yelled that he was leaving with or without him.
"You think we did the right thing?" Steve asked as he and Tony watched the car drive off.
"Not if the kid is wearing spandex."
"Tony!" Tony raised his hands in surrender before folding them again.
"Just saying. Spandex doesn't really leave much to the imagination and knowing Deadpool he'll be eye raping Pete."
"Don't make me smack you." Steve warned. "We should follow them though."
"How? Your kid cut off our transportation venues. Friday won't let me into the system and if I reboot her it'll take hours for me to reconfigure whatever program Peter no doubt put in as back-up."
"He's a good kid. But you've obviously had more of an influence on him than I have." Tony chuckled.
"Nope, kid gets your manners. And because of that I'm willing to bet that he while he managed to turn my own systems against me, he didn't get everything covered. All I have to do is reconfigure the matrix and rewire some things and we are in."
"In what? You know you have to speak simple English to me." Tony smirked.
"There's a back door to everything honey."
"Figured you'd make a sex joke somehow." Tony chuckled.
Clint dropped Spiderman off in front of a little italian restaurant that was pretty much hidden from the public eyes. It was a good restaurant Peter had found out while researching the dating cards the auction officials had given him. The restaurant was good at incognito. Apparently celebrities and other public figures ate here all the time. Even Sam and Scott vouched for the restaurant when Peter had asked. They apparently took security very seriously when it came to their clientele. It wasn't a place Peter would have chosen personally but it looked nice enough.
Peter waited in front of the restaurant for a few minutes gathering his courage before he went inside the front garden-like patio. His way was blocked soon by a tall thin man behind a podium.
"Can I help you sir?" The man asked looking him over with a critical eye.
"Table for two under Spiderman?" The man's snotty attitude didn't lessen while he checked his tablet. Peter felt a vibrating in his pocket and pulled out his phone to see an incoming call from Deadpool.
"Please tell me your waiting inside?"
'Wish I could baby boy." Deadpool's voice came sounding almost garbled out due to the background noise. 'I got caught up in a small gun fight and I may need to rain check.'
"Where are you?" Peter asked turning away just as the snooty old man opened his mouth.
'SHIT! FUCK!' Deadpool's voice growled. Spiderman was in the air in the next second. Peter had no idea where Deadpool was but being somewhere high was usually a good place to be to think and hear the city's sounds. 'Bastard's are ruining my favorite suit.'
"Deadpool!?" Spiderman shouted.
'Yeah it's probably better if you don't know where I am. Daddy's got some asshats to fry.'
"No killing."
'But this is my favorite suit! It's my holiday and special occasion suit!'
"No killing. Tell me where you are right now!" Spiderman ordered. The sounds shifted as Deadpool's voice shouted at whoever was shooting at him.
'You fuckwads are so lucky I can't kill you motherfuckers! But luckily I can still maim you.'
"Deadpool!" Spiderman snapped.
'Kidding! Kinda. They're shooting at me and that's not nice! But on another note we're somewhere near what is this- Tristan Avenue? AH! WHY WON'T YOU DIE!' Spiderman didn't wait for a cross street. He was swinging through the city as fast as he could.
"Deadpool!"
'I mean why won't you stay down! Baby boy please tell me you're not going to come to my rescue?'
"Too late to convince me otherwise you jerk."
'You really don't have to-' The line went dead. Spiderman poured on the speed as he swung past buildings. His ears were open to the sounds of New York life trying to find wherever Deadpool was. The sound of distant thunder didn't help matters but after a few minutes Spiderman's ears caught the sound of shots being fired.
Spiderman swung onto the next building's rooftop as Tristan Avenue came into sight. He peered down to see six men wearing black shooting across the street where Deadpool was crouched behind another car. There were five more lying on the ground already. From this distance Peter couldn't tell if they were alive or not. Deadpool briefly popped up like a weasel and shouted.
"I am not supposed to kill anyone but you cockshots are making me very angry!" With that he pulled the trigger on his gun causing three men to fall down. "Well angrier! So I'll make you a deal, if you lay down your arms I won't maim you."
Shots continued to fire. Spiderman saw Deadpool take cover but he doubted that even Deadpool was quick enough to avoid a bullet.
Spiderman dropped down behind the remaining three men
"Three on one? That doesn't seem fair." The men whirled around allowing Spiderman to web their guns to the wall behind him. Another shot of webbing brought two of the men down getting their legs tangled in the webs. He jumped towards the last man who was pulling out another gun. His foot met the mans face and he soon joined his companions up in the web.
"Baby boy!" Deadpool cried out. Peter didn't get a chance to turn as Deadpool's arms wrapped around his chest rather tightly. "You came!"
"I said I'd be here." Spiderman answered as he straightened up.
"Honestly I wasn't so sure. I figured ole' iron ball and spangly chain would keep you tied to a bed if they found out you came to my aid. Which reminds me," Spiderman found himself facing Deadpool's mask. "You really shouldn't have come Spiderman." The seriousness in Deadpool's voice was almost disconcerting.
"You were in trouble. What was I supposed to do just leave you to face them alone? And what's up with that? You should have been able to take care of them quickly. Without killing them."
"I would have too, Unfortunately-" Peater's spider sense screamed loud and clear just as the sound of squealing tires sounded behind Deadpool. "They aren't the only ones."
Shots sounded in tandem as Deadpool pulled Peter down and rolled on top of him to protect him from shrapnel.
"What did you do?" Spiderman asked.
"Nothing!" Deadpool lowered his head so he was closer to Peter's ears. "Well, I may have taken something, well someone, their boss is looking for and hid her for her own protection. They don't take rejection very well."
"And you did this when?" Peter asked.
"Earlier this week. I didn't think they'd figure out I was the one who hid her until it was too late. This is all just blown out of proportion."
"Blown out of- We're being shot at!"
"On the bright side we're getting in some much needed cuddling." Deadpool giggled, hugging Spiderman. Spiderman growled.
"Hang on and don't let go."
"I'm not letting go anytime soon." Peter rolled his eyes before he shot his webs at the building's walls and pulled resulting in him and Deadpool shooting up from the ground towards the building. Peter twisted his arm and shot another web so they were soon flying through the air. Deadpool started shouting in glee as Peter swung them from building to building until they were soon far from Tristan Avenue.
Though Spiderman was ten times stronger than he used to be he was usually lighter to carry. With the extra weight he was going slower and in a dulled arch than he usually preferred. As such he missed some of the buildings when he tried to hit it with his web. It was only a few inches but the two costumed super humans were free falling more often than not. Something Spiderman was used to but not with Deadpool's loud cheering in his ears.
He quickly shot another web at the building and yanked them along. While the downward swing was sloppy the turns around the buildings were really dangerous as Spiderman had to work overtime to make sure they didn't hit the walls and go splat like a bug.
(That joke was in poor taste)
(Considering all the jokes you usually make about Spidey you can't judge me)
(My jokes are all about his gloriously firm bubble butt. And what's with the 'extra weight' comment? I'll have you know I am healthy and toned like an actor.)
(Don't get so insensitive now. I'm trying to write.)
(Can we just skip to the sex please?)
(Do you want a lasting relationship with Spidey or not?)
(Relationship for $500 please.)
(Then shut it and go along with the script or there will be a few changes that involve cock-blocking parents in the form of Tony and Steve.)
(I'll be good...for now.)
Spiderman continued to swing through New York with Deadpool's arms and legs wrapped around him. At some point in the swinging Deadpool put his face against Spiderman's neck and simply stayed put. If it wasn't for the occasionally flexing deltoids Peter would have worried Deadpool went to sleep. And while it wasn't the most practical thing to do, Peter reveled in feeling Deadpool's warmth at his back and the feeling of the added weight.
Didn't mean he wanted to keep hauling them through the air though. Peter tried to land on a rooftop nice and easy but he ended up with them rolling, making grunts and brief shouts sound from him and Deadpool before they came to a stop with Deadpool on his back and Spiderman pressed against him.
"Okay, you officially suck at landings."
"Would have been better if someone was helping and not feeling me up." Spiderman retorted getting up.
"I can't help it, you baby boy are such a tease." Deadpool groaned. His hands, which Spiderman had only noticed until then were wrapped around his thighs, tightened and pulled his legs further apart.
"Deadpool!"
"You know I had a dream like this once."
"Let. Me. Go."
"Why would I do that sugar? I like you riding my lap." Spiderman was pretty sure if his face got any hotter he would start glowing. That was the point where Spiderman started fighting to get up. "You're only making it worse!"
"Let. Go!" Deadpool whimpered but did as told. Spiderman jumped off him and stayed at a healthy distance. Fifteen feet away. He resolutely shut the part of him that yearned for Deadpool's warmth away in the back of his mind. "What did I say about boundaries?"
"It doesn't count when you're the one who initiated contact!" Deadpool called. "Which you did by allowing me to touch you."
"We were in trouble."
"Yes but we got away and now we're safe. Which brings another question to mind, are we still on for our date?" Spiderman deadpanned.
"You wanted a rain check...?"
"That was before but now I just really want to..." Spiderman watched in confusion as Deadpool looked all around before running to the buildings edges and looking down into the alley and street before he inched closer to Spiderman.
"What are you doing?"
"Making sure your unofficial parents aren't around."
"Why?" Spiderman asked.
"Because it has occurred to me that this has all been such a dick move on the writers part. You know ruining our first 'official' date even though we've had better dates just eating pizza and burgers on the rooftops. So in an effort to undermine the writer and the stupid auction people who tried to plan something and it not working out, why don't we just have our own little date up here out of gun range where should someone run into us we can either take care of it personally or you can just web slinger us out of here."
"You really want to have this date?" Deadpool nodded his head rapidly.
"I've waited way too damn long to have the writer fuck this up for me now." Spiderman balanced between just saying no and going back to NAF and accepting Deadpool's offer. "Please Spiderman?"
"Okay."
"Yes!" Deadpool crowed before he looked around. "Just wait right there and for gods sake Spiderman don't answer any calls for help."
"No promises Deadpool." Deadpool shrugged before he jumped over the side of the building. Spiderman choked out a gasp and ran to see what Deadpool was doing only to find the alley was clear. Spiderman frowned but figured Deadpool wouldn't leave him hanging after begging for a do-over.
But what if he ran into the men who were trying to kill him? Not that he could die but it was a very real possibility that Deadpool could end up dead for a few minutes. That would suck especially if whoever was trying to kill Deadpool took his body with them.
Talk about dating jinxes for superheroes.
Peter pulled out his phone and started tapping out a text message to his parents. It wasn't time for him to be heading home but his pops would worry anyway. Once that was done he sent a text to Clint telling him to head home. He could get back on his own just fine.
A grunting sound caught his attention. He turned his head to see a gloved hand on the building's edge. A bag was thrown over a second later while a familiar gravelly voice muttered, "Maximum effort."
"Deadpool?" Said anti-hero's head peeked over the building edge.
"Be there in a second baby boy." Deadpool huffed. "Man I'm getting old. Ha, just kidding." He eventually pulled his body over the side of the building. "Sorry about the wait, I had to run across the street really quick."
"For... 'Mama Evangeline's'? What is that?"
"The best out of the way, undiscovered Mexican food in the state. Found it the other day and I've been dying to come back. Not literally. The writer's been keeping that little secret from me for the past few days." Deadpool pulled out thirty hard shelled tacos that looked obviously home made along with the same amount of soft tacos. "And yes, I remember you eat a lot."
"So we're just gonna pretend this is another day after patrolling?" Spiderman asked as he grabbed a taco.
"'Yep. Only I get to give you a surprise later." Deadpool chuckled. "I'm wagging my eyebrows. Well I would be if I had eyebrows."
"If you grab my ass I'm going to hit you."
"Don't worry, I'll do that later." Spiderman rolled his eyes but continued to eat the tacos with Deadpool. "By the way, since we're dating now, how does the relationship with the Avengers work? Do you all sleep in the NAF?"
"Some of us do. Nat and Clint only come by when Da- Tony and Steve call them. And our relationship is still 'friends'. How's Yellow? I know White's a dick all the time." Deadpool hummed as his mouth was full but as soon as he swallowed he opened his mouth once again.
"Yellow still likes you. He's been asking about you. White feels like you like me and Yellow better. Why do you call Iron Ass and Captain Bubble Butt 'dad'? I thought they had a kid of their own somewhere?" Spiderman gulped hard at the question.
"Yeah they do. But uh, my real parents died when I was young and my aunt died when I was three so Tony... Well Tony's my godfather. He raised me alongside Steve and after all these years they're the only parental figures I have." Spiderman felt the stain of omitting the truth but after all these years of keeping his real identity a secret, it was hard to just let it go.
"Cool. Though they could loosen the grip a bit. Where's their kid?"
"He's around. He's in college now and sometimes works in Tony's labs and he has his hobby so he's pretty busy. What about you?"
"What about me?" Spiderman caught the edge in Deadpool's voice but curiosity had him trapped.
"Well we've been partners and friends for the better part of a year and while I know you don't really like chimichanga's you just like saying the word, you look good in red, you used to kill and still try not to for my sake... There's still a lot I don't know about you."
"Trust me baby boy, you don't want to know the fucked up story behind me." Why couldn't he just let it go and move on? Well Spiderman was nothing if not tenacious.
"And if I do?" Spiderman's senses tingled faintly. Not enough to have him worried, just enough to let him know he was starting to push. Deadpool changed the conversation though.
"Maybe one day but until then, what are the other dates the auctioneers put on those lists you mentioned the other day?" Spiderman bit his lip before allowing the conversation to change.
"Well there's the dinner and a movie and then a carnival in Central Park."
"Ooh, when's the dinner and a movie? And what movie? None of that cheesy romance stuff or I'll never stop laughing."
"It's a good movie. The main protagonist loses his wife to a murderer who escapes after leaving his son disabled. They never find the guy but the protagonist moves on with his life with his son but loses him on a class field trip and meets an amnesiac woman who helps him look for his son."
"Sounds good. What's it called?"
"Finding Nemo." Spiderman asked. Deadpool laughed.
"Well that's a description I've never heard before."
"Thanks. So movie night?" Deadpool nodded.
"Hell yeah. Can't wait to fucking find Nemo." Spiderman nods.
"Tomorrow at six? Your place?"
"Baby boy if you're coming to my place you gotta stay for a Hobbit and Lord of the Rings marathon." Spiderman snorts.
"Couldn't imagine a better person to travel to the Lonely Mountain with anyway. Could use you as a shield."
"Fuck you Spidey. Ooh, no I take that back, I'd like to fuck you." Deadpool cackled. Normally Spiderman kept the conversation away from sex but in this case he could settle for teasing Deadpool. He would probably fall forward in shock and it would be fun to leave him dangling.
"You know I'm ten times stronger right?"
"So?" Deadpool asked. "I could beat your ass into submission."
"I can stick to walls. Even the ceiling." Deadpool made a wheezing sort of sound. "Just saying but super strength and the ability to stick to any surface? Kind of beats your usual positions doesn't it?"
"Are- are you-?" Deadpool twisted too far and fell. "Gah!" Spiderman reacted quickly and shot a web at Deadpool's chest before following the Merc so he could make a web between the two buildings. Deadpool was stuck to the web.
"Not to mention the webbing is sticky." Peter continued. "Very, very sticky." He breathed leaning close to Deadpool's face. Deadpool huffed out a moan.
"Don't start something you can't finish." Spiderman grinned before standing upright on the webs.
"Don't worry. I'll let you finish first. Good night Deadpool!" As Spiderman swung away on a web he distinctly heard Deadpool shout,
"You fucking tease! I'll get you for this!"
GM NASAI: Hello again lovelies. I have good news and bad news. Good news is that I have figured out a schedule date. I am happy to say I will update every two weeks. Give or take a day or two. The bad news is that I still don't have wifi at home. I'm sure we've all gone through the struggle and it sucks. Which is why I say give or take a day or two. Anyway I hope you all find this chapter funny as I procrastinated until now to update it. Hehehe.
It's a process I do when I have a difficult chapter. Please read and review and let me know if you laughed or not. I promise you're not annoying me.