"Lily."
Where was she? Who was she? Whose hands were these gripping her shoulders?
"Lily, look at me."
'Look…at…?' Could anyone still have the power of speech after the world had so obviously ended?
"Look at me, Lily."
That voice. It was familiar and warm, so she did what it asked.
"You must get up. Can you do that for me?"
It was a young man. Did she know him? The hands that held onto her were gentle, and she allowed them to guide her to her feet.
She fell into the arms, immersed herself in them, and the responding embrace was so consuming, so protective, so like home, Lily thought it might be nice to die there.
"Don't worry. I've got you."
Lily's eyes were wet. She could not remember why.
"James," came another voice, much older and deeper. "Come now, and quickly."
"The others—?"
"All returned—already back to Hogwarts, and safe. Lily, come—"
"I've got her, Professor. It's alright…" Yes, she definitely could die here. "I can Apparate with her."
"Go then, and quickly. Go straight to the Hospital Wing. Alert Madam Pomfrey. Speak to no one else. I will be right behind you."
It was terribly uncomfortable for a moment, and then—
Oh yes, she remembered this place. That streak of treetops on the horizon, the turrets and towers of the enormous castle bathed in moonlight…
"Come on," said the young man in a labored voice, "It won't be long and then—then you can have a rest."
Perhaps they walked for thirty seconds, or maybe several years. The world seemed to exist at the end of a very long tunnel, or at the surface of an ocean beneath which Lily was immersed very, very deeply.
Where they were headed, Lily did not care. All she knew was the promise of rest her companion had delivered, rest she wanted so badly her heart ached for it. And just when Lily thought the stairs would never end, they came to a landing.
She was guided into a room, and someone poked at every cut and bruise, and Lily began to notice that the side of her body was burning. She was helped into pajamas, and vaguely, distantly, she listened to her companion speaking hurriedly to the woman they had met there.
And then Albus Dumbledore arrived. Something about seeing the Headmaster jogged Lily's memory. He marched swiftly toward her, Madam Pomfrey, and James. Following close behind him were Professors McGonagall, Sprout, Flitwick, and Slughorn.
"Madness," Professor McGonagall spluttered. "It's an outrage. Not that I agree with my students storming off to the Ministry but—well!"
"That will do for the moment, Minerva. There has been a tragedy this evening." And Professor Dumbledore related the incident quietly to Professor McGonagall.
She was paler than any Hogwarts ghost. "Oh, Albus… Mr. Potter…perhaps you'd better…" but Lily did not see whatever gesture followed her statement.
"I'm not going anywhere," said James defiantly. "I'm staying here."
"Quite right, too," said Professor Dumbledore, conjuring a chair by Lily's bedside. He cleared his throat.
"The Order is currently doing what they can to ensure the safety of every Muggle who was forced into the Ministry this evening. A number of officials had been bewitched, but the
damage has been reversed."
Silence.
"And you'll take comfort, I'm sure, in knowing that no harm has come to any of your companions this evening."
More silence.
"Miss Evans."
Dumbledore's voice was clear, commanding, but tenderly so. Lily looked up into the kindest blue eyes she had ever seen, twinkling behind a delicate pair of half-moon spectacles.
"You have been outstandingly brave tonight, Lily. I must ask you to display your courage one last time this evening. I must ask you and Mr. Potter what occurred between the moment you arrived at the Ministry of Magic and the moment we met."
Lily looked at James. He nodded slightly, reached for her hand and squeezed it, and when he let go the pair of them faced Professor Dumbledore, drawing identical, weary breaths…
Lily, James, Frank, Jasper, Sirius, and Remus had Apparated from just outside the Hogwarts grounds to the junction of Scotland Place and Great Scotland Yard, where Marc had told them they'd find the entrance to the Ministry. But Alice and Libby had not turned up, and Lily returned to find them.
"We can't manage it!" growled Libby, absolutely fuming.
"Just go," said Alice regretfully. "Go, and good luck." She flung her arms around Lily.
When Lily returned, Frank spoke first. "Where are they? Are they alright?"
"Having Apparition trouble. Let's just go."
But everyone just stood there.
"Er," said James, after a few moments' awkward silence. "Does anybody know how to get to the Ministry beyond Apparating to London?"
It was so ridiculous Lily had to laugh. "No idea!"
"Brilliant," said Sirius happily, who appeared to be enjoying an adrenaline high since the decision had been made to go to the Ministry. "Shall we just pick fights with Muggles then?"
"Ah," James said abruptly. "Bit insensitive, Padfoot, under the circumstances…"
"Ah, yes, sorry mate."
"'S'alright, but perhaps you ought to choose words more wisely in future."
"Can do."
"Oh, for the love of—sorry to cut into the banter, lads, but has anyone got any ideas?" said Remus.
"Perhaps we could just Apparate to the Leaky Cauldron? Perhaps they'd allow us to use the Floo Network there?"
"Aha! I think there's a fee, but brilliant!" said James. "See Lily, this is why I love you. Always thinking."
Even then, Lily could not help reveling in the sound of James's voice when he said I love you, even if it was entirely friendly.
As it turned out, Lily's idea was a good one. When the bartender heard the first couple of Gryffindors name their destination and disappear into the fire, he informed Remus, the last to go, that they would need to enter a certain phone box.
"And then we've got to dial six-two-four-four-two."
But nothing was as they expected when they arrived. The Ministry lobby was packed with officials and at least fifty other witches and wizards who had come to protest after the news had leaked. The shouting was thunderous, and many protesters were being bound without provocation.
And so their appearance hardly caught attention, even young as they were.
"Man alive," Sirius breathed. "This is madness…"
Over the crowd of people a resounding voice spoke, and when Lily looked up it was to find a middle-aged wizard holding his wand to his own throat. When he spoke, Lily felt goose bumps cover her body.
"Unfortunately," he articulated in a troublingly cavalier manner, "The Minister has been detained by business. He will be unable to see any of you this evening."
"Where's my wife?" a man bellowed. "I WANT TO SEE MY WIFE."
His shouts were drowned out by the ensuing roar of support from his fellow protesters.
"Your wife," continued the man at the head of the lobby, "Was brought willingly to aid the Ministry in determining—"
But he was drowned out again. "Willingly? WILLINGLY?" And the shouts continued.
"Where are they?" someone demanded.
"Unfortunately we cannot disclose that information. The Ministry feels that any interaction with family members during testing will disrupt—"
"What is this testing?" someone hollered. "I want to see my mother, and now!"
The Gryffindors stood dumbfounded in the back of the lobby as more shouting ensued, and a man tried to shove past the Ministry official addressing them. There was some commotion, a tangle of arms and wands as people tried to fight through.
James nudged Lily. When she looked at him, he nodded toward a door along the side of the hall. Four guards were standing there, their wands aloft. "What d'you reckon?"
"What?"
"Why is only that door being guarded?"
Understanding dawned in Lily's eyes. "How can we get through?"
"No idea," James muttered.
"Well let's think," said Lily. "How many levels has the Ministry got?"
"I dunno. Loads."
"Right so it's unlikely they're going to do whatever they're doing in a room right off the main lobby, right? That's probably just one of the access points. It's probably on another level entirely."
"Yeah…"
"But we know it's probably on the south wing of the Ministry. Probably a lower level. Yeah?"
"Yeah," said James, and Lily could swear he was hiding a chuckle.
"So…"
"So?"
"So get out your Cloak then," she said, nudging him.
"Oh! Right…" He extracted the Cloak surreptitiously and, while the crowd was busy shouting, threw it over himself and Lily. He tapped Sirius on the shoulder.
Sirius, seeming entirely used to James communicating with him from under the Cloak, leaned back slightly.
"Lily and I are going to do a bit of exploring. You and Frank keep your eyes peeled up here. Tell Remus and Jasper we'll come back for them when we figure out where everyone is."
Sirius nodded.
James and Lily hobbled under the Cloak together, grateful that they had arrived at the Ministry during the night shift. There were not nearly as many employees moving about as there would have been during the day, and a significant portion of Ministry workers seemed to be in the lobby, half of them just as confused as the wizards and witches who had come to defend their families.
They rode the elevator up and down several times, trying to look for clues. But below the lobby, the Ministry was eerily silent.
Lily was a breath away from asking James if he had any ideas when the elevator opened at the end of a long hall. They exchanged a significant glance under the Cloak, and began listening in to the two wizards who emerged.
"But what exactly are they doing?" a squat wizard with a high-pitched voice asked his companion.
The other, a taller, pale, nervous-looking wizard wrung his hands when he answered. "They say it is to do with…with determining purity. But I don't see…I just don't see how Muggles have anything to do with it. Just because they have reproduced a witch or wizard. Obviously the gene was in the family years back. It resurfaces sometimes…we…we know this."
"Then what are they doing?"
"I don't know, Stumpe," the wizard snapped. "Let's just move along and see what Rookwood wants," he said, shuddering. "Perhaps that will give us clues. They said we are to meet them in the Department for Improper Use of Magic."
Lily and James hurried after him. When they reached a door, the pair under the Cloak carefully slid into the office behind the men before the door closed. They entered a very bland room that reminded Lily of a Muggle doctor's waiting room, and had to sidle past two guards standing on the inside of the door.
"Well there's our worst suspicion confirmed," James whispered, his lips practically touching her ear, "They're just as worried about keeping people in as they are about keeping them out."
"Shh," Lily breathed. The two men they had followed approached a man in hooded black robes.
"What is it, Rookwood?" the taller man asked, and when he addressed Rookwood his dislike was clear in his voice.
"We have a situation with Albus Dumbledore. Sticking his giant nose in, as usual. Contact the Prophet. Offer them your full cooperation, and give them this story." He handed over a piece of parchment, which Stumpe and his pale companion perused for several moments. The latter looked up first.
"But this isn't true. This was not instigated by Muggles, nor are we collaborating with them. They have been herded here like cattle."
"If you so sympathize with them, then you can take a number. Dumbledore is meeting with Lord Voldemort as we speak, and you are welcome to join him," he sneered. "Stumpe, contact the Prophet. Notify them that their previously published story was a delusion."
Stumpe hesitated for a moment, then, quailing under Rookwood's commanding stare, hurried out of the room.
"I would like to be let through to speak to Albus Dumbledore."
"Albus Dumbledore is busy being…ah…directed, if you will. By Lord Voldemort. Dumbledore could use a bit of sorting out, wouldn't you agree, Conrad?"
Conrad's wandhand twitched, but Rookwood had his movements clocked.
"You don't want to do that," Rookwood warned. "It's a high price to pay when you turn a wand on a Ministry official."
"Ministry official?" Conrad scoffed. "I've had you pegged from the moment I met you, Rookwood. Ministry official indeed! Do what suits you, but do not insult the wizarding community any longer by hiding behind the Ministry. Death Eater!" And he spat at Rookwood's feet.
Rookwood's eyes were slits. "I suggest you collect your things and leave this place for good, Conrad. There are Dementors in the Ministry this evening. One more toe out of line and I won't need to send you to Azkaban at all for misconduct."
"I haven't broken the law," Conrad said defiantly, clearly unsure whether the law was on his side anymore.
Just then, the door of an adjacent room burst open and Albus Dumbledore strode past.
"You are a fool, Dumbledore," called a cold voice from within it. "I can promise that you will come to deeply regret your actions should you move forward with your plans."
"I could say the same for you, Tom," replied Dumbledore simply, halting for a moment. "But clearly, you do not wish me to leave without your final say."
"I do not wish you to leave with the wrong impression of these procedures."
"Is this fear?"
They were not even in the same room, and Lily could feel the surge of fury emanating from the man to whom Dumbledore spoke.
The man emerged from the room, tall, pallid, his expression inhuman. Lily gasped, but Voldemort spoke at the same moment.
"Fear," he spat, laughing coldly, "Is for those who are weak. You, for example. The bumbling gaggle of Muggles I have encountered tonight, for example. Their severely misguided families, for example."
"I understand that you cannot imagine why anyone would put themselves in harm's way for another's sake. And I understand, though you do not, that it is you who is misguided. Although, Tom…I thought you misguided twenty years ago. Now it is clear you walk down the path of Darkness with determination."
"If Darkness is harboring a deep concern for the state of the wizarding community, then I agree."
"You harbor concern for nothing that exists outside the bounds of your own flesh, Tom."
"You suspect my actions toward these Muggles are for anything but the good of witches and wizards everywhere? You suspect I act for reasons other than wizarding pride? And protection?"
"My suspicions are more along the lines of extermination, Tom."
Lord Voldemort did not argue. He surveyed Dumbledore with patronizing eyes and drew breath. "I will say this one final time. Interfere with these proceedings and you shall regret it. Go back to your school, old man."
"I shall indeed return to my school. But I shall only leave here accompanied by the men and women you have apprehended. Surrender, Tom."
The whole room seemed to stir as, with lighting speed Voldemort drew his wand, and in the blink of an eye Dumbledore had matched the motion. Dumbledore deflected Voldemort's curse, and it soared so close to Lily's ear she could hear it. Stillness settled in again, a tense, charged stillness.
In a low, deadly voice, Dumbledore spoke. "Do not be so foolish."
Lily had never imagined what it would be like to see fear in Voldemort's eyes, but there it was. She looked sideways at James and noticed that he, like Lily, had drawn his wand. James leaned over to tell Lily something, but she could not hear him. It sounded as though a stampede was tearing through the Ministry, growing ever louder as Lily, James, Dumbledore, Rookwood, and Conrad waited silently.
"They have broken through your defenses," said Dumbledore. "It is time to return these people to their families. If you still do not wish to comply, I assure you I have my methods of persuasion."
"As do I," Voldemort hissed, hurling a spell from his wand like a cracking whip, and as the wizards commenced battle the door was rocked from its hinges, the crowd from the Ministry lobby charging forward.
James's Cloak was pulled away, and when he snatched it off the floor he stuffed it in a pocket rather than cover himself again. He and Lily fought through with the crowd, and eventually Sirius, Remus, Jasper, and Frank arrived.
"It's down!" Sirius bellowed. "We've got to get through these doors and go down!"
It was no easy journey. Spells and hexes were soaring all around, bouncing off walls and statues.
James, the thinnest of the boys, sidled through the crowd with considerable ease, and had grabbed hold of Lily's hand to pull her through after him. Lily took Remus's hand with her free one, and Remus pulled Sirius by the scruff of his robes as Frank and Jasper fought to catch up.
They were toward the front of the angry crowd, which had dwindled considerably during the struggle, when they came upon a door that looked as if it were made of steel. Three hooded men stood in front of it, their wands aloft. Without thinking, Lily shrieked, "Stupefy!" as one of the guards tried to curse one of the oncoming crowd.
Havoc ensued. The men in black robes seemed to triple in number, and Lily found herself engaged in battle with one of them, Remus at her side. They stunned him in no time, but when Lily made to go forward she saw James struggling with a rather large Death Eater. She hurtled forward, preparing a hex to send straight at the man's chest, but quickly decided upon a Shield Charm instead; the Death Eater hurled a hex straight at James, but as Lily bellowed, "Protego!" something knocked her sideways.
It was Jasper, pulling her away from the large Death Eater facing James.
"Jasper! What are you—?"
Her Shield Charm was cast clumsily, and James's left hand was struck by a curse that caused his skin to bubble and burn.
"Jasper!" cried Lily, shoving him away from her.
"Thanks anyway, Evans," James chuckled through a grimace as he clutched his arms. "Oi! Lookout!" He cast a spell but the tall, slender Death Eater who'd been about to attack Lily deflected it with ease.
"James Potty!" she drawled. "My ickle cousin's most favorite fwiend!" she mocked, shrieking with laughter. "I suppose he wouldn't like it very much if I killed you."
Lily lunged forward and fired a curse at her. For a moment she was blinded, and Lily and James turned to hear Sirius shouting, "Family or not, Bellatrix, touch them and I kill you!"
When Bellatrix regained her senses, she laughed, engaging in battle with James and Lily again. "How sweet of you to think I hold our relation in any regard at all," she called to Sirius, who was busy fending off another Death Eater. Bellatrix looked James square in the face as she fired a curse at him, laughing as he dodged it. "So we have our answer then, wee Potty. Mr. Black would cry like an ickle baby if I killed you. So perhaps I should kill him straight after? It's the kindest thing, I think."
"Oh, shut up," said Lily, firing a spell which forced Bellatrix to cover her mouth with her own hand and then shouting, "Impedimenta!"
"Nice one, Evans!" said James, but Lily was quickly distracted by Rookwood Disarming her.
Bellatrix was released from the spell, and took her opportunity; she pointed her wand at James and shrieked "Crucio!"
Lily thought that if the sight did not kill her, the sound certainly would.
James collapsed, screaming with such intensity, his face contorted in such agony that Lily knew no course other than to charge bodily at Bellatrix. She snatched her wand and jammed it so hard against her throat, Bellatrix choked.
"Going to kill me, Mudbloo—?"
But Lily stunned her with both wands and pocketed Bellatrix's. She had barely regained her balance when she felt James tugging on her robes.
Lily did not argue. They allowed the crowd to sweep them further down the corridor, in a crush down several flights of stairs, and finally toward doors guided by—
"Dementors," James whispered in horror. "Lily, go back."
At least ten Dementors turned toward them, floating ominously in their direction. Before she turned to fight through the crowd, Lily spotted something to make her heart jump. The edge of a caged enclosure, and a pair of hands clutching at the bars…
She tried to speak, but her energy was dwindling, and the world turned cold. She felt desperately sad, like it was silly to hope that she could find and rescue her parents…
"Lily," James said. "Snap out of it. Let's go, help me fight them."
The sound of James's voice stirred her. She did her best to stand upright next to him, and in the face of the approaching Dementors they bellowed, "Expecto Patronum!"
And as stag and doe leapt forward, along with a dozen other Patronuses, the Dementors halted, then streaked out of sight.
The pair strode forward, Lily flanked by her doe and James his stag, and they turned the corner to find several hundred people shouting and moaning, fettered in cells lining a long corridor. The moment she laid eyes on them Professor Dumbledore arrived with Conrad, the Ministry official they had seen before, several people Lily presumed to be members of the Order of the Phoenix, as well as Sirius, Remus, Jasper, and Frank in his wake.
Dumbledore did not look remotely surprised to find James and Lily there, but before they could dash forward to find Lily's parents, Dumbledore called out, "You must wait. Stay where you are."
There was something in Dumbledore's voice that made Lily frightened beyond anything she had ever experienced. She could not ask him to elaborate, as a moment later he strode down the aisle, unlocking cells seemingly at random and asking the released to wait for him to guide them out.
"What's going on?" James asked Sirius.
Sirius was ghostly pale, and seemed reluctant to speak. "Mate…not all of them were cooperating..."
"No," said James in horror, "They didn't kill people, did they?"
"No," said Sirius. "Dumbledore heard they've…James…there are Dementors here."
And suddenly, the reason Dumbledore was not opening every cell dawned on Lily. Her heart sank. Her lungs froze. Without thinking, she tore ahead.
"Lily!" called Sirius. "Lily, wait!"
Dumbledore turned to see Lily approaching, running at full speed, and the way he moved to intercept her—with fear etched in every line of his face—told her all she needed to know.
"No," she yelled before she even saw them, "NO!" Dumbledore caught Lily around the middle, and just then a wave of people broke into the room, Death Eaters and the Order and seemingly every witch and wizard in the Ministry.
The battle was so confused, so strange, so far away that Lily did not know whether she was fighting it or watching it. As Dumbledore drew his wand against Voldemort once again, Lily felt an arm wrap tightly around her. She looked up to see James, one arm around Lily's numb body and the other brandishing his wand in battle. The world moved in slow motion, and it hardly bothered Lily when she felt like the exposed side of her body had erupted in flames. She vaguely recognized it as the curse Bellatrix had sent at James's left hand. But she did not care. She felt like her body might dissolve into her surroundings, and she welcomed it. Hearing only her breath and distant heartbeat, Lily waited for the world to finish crumbling around her...
Lily couldn't bear to see anyone. Her injuries were just about healed, and she was dreading the day Madam Pomfrey discharged her from the Hospital Wing. The idea of rejoining the Hogwarts community was too much. No doubt the entire school had already heard what happened, and the pain of it alone was enough without concerned stares and whispers to remind her of her ordeal at the Ministry.
Lily had started to become very good at redirecting her thoughts when they came anywhere near her parents. She couldn't stand to think of what had happened to them, or her responsibility for their fate. It was one of the reasons that she refused her friends' attempts to visit her entirely. This went unchallenged for several days before Madam Pomfrey could no longer hold her tongue.
"You need your friends," she advised. "Libby Eaton and Alice Warren have already been in twice today. Jasper Podmore has asked to see you several times as well since you've been here. And I cannot continue turning them away when they are so concerned. Never have I met a student so determined against visitors," she mumbled when Lily did not respond, bustling around her bed replacing her water pitcher and smoothing the covers.
"Not to mention," she added testily, "If James Potter threatens me one more time I will be forced to take it up with the headmaster. As if it is I who wishes to keep him out. I understand that he is concerned—however—" and she grumbled something about respect for elders.
Lily stared at her knees. Suddenly she felt ashamed. "Madam Pomfrey," said Lily, "If James…if Potter comes back, you can…I mean, I think it would be alright. To let him in."
Madam Pomfrey smiled. "He'll be pleased."
By Lily's fifth day in the Hospital Wing, she had already reached the fourth book of the series James had given her for her birthday. It provided somewhat of a distraction from her grief, and at half past nine that evening she could be found dozing over a page somewhere in the middle. She was alerted from her stupor when she heard muffled voices arguing, one she recognized as Madam Pomfrey's and the other—
"Potter, I simply cannot let you in. It is past visitation hours but if you come tomorrow at a decent hour you will be permitted to see Miss Evans."
"Go on, Madam Pomfrey, let me through. She'll like a visitor, and what if she changes her mind by tomorrow?"
"It is Hogwarts policy that I should be awake while visitors are present, and I was just finishing up for the evening."
"What am I—going to burn the place down? Go on, Madam Pomfrey, just a few minutes. You can sleep soundly, I just want to say hello."
Perhaps if it was anyone other than James, the nurse would have continued to resist. But a moment later Lily saw him, his hair extra untidy, walking cautiously toward her bed. It was difficult seeing him; the memory of her experience several nights ago, the feeling it gave her, the magnitude of her loss, all seemed to follow James into the room.
James pulled up a chair next to Lily's bed. "Thank you for seeing me."
"Thank you for coming."
James stared at her, as if looking for physical signs of her sadness.
"You healing alright?"
"Getting there," said Lily. "How's your hand?"
"Oh that? It's fine, don't worry," he said, his scarred hand twitching slightly.
"What have I missed?" asked Lily, attempting to smile.
James grinned back. "Slughorn's classes aren't the same without you, I'll tell you that much. Everyone's going a bit mad because—er, have you been getting the Prophet?"
"No."
"Well, Voldemort is up to his usual tricks. Four more people have 'mysteriously gone missing,' and the Ministry doesn't seem eager to…"
It was strange how none of this information seemed to apply to Lily anymore. She couldn't make herself care. The effort against Voldemort seemed hopeless anyway, and she struggled to relate to James's temper when discussing the Dark Lord. She was hardly bothered. It was unsettling.
She directed the conversation elsewhere, and for a full hour the pair of them talked, and Lily was surprised to experience genuine laughter several times.
After a stretch of silence, Lily said, "Professor McGonagall was in recently to discuss how and when I'm going to make up all my work."
"Bit tactless…"
"No, she said to take my time. I think she did it so I wouldn't have to worry about missing schoolwork besides. Let me know we could work something out."
"Good," he replied, voice quiet.
"She told me you and Sirius have been saintly in lessons. She said it's making her nervous."
James laughed.
"Given up on the practical jokes, you and the Marauders?"
"For now, I suppose."
"Why?"
James looked startled. "Well…we're all a bit…disturbed aren't we? And I guess we thought it seemed…"
"Insensitive?"
"I guess, yeah…insensitive."
"Well, don't do that on my account. Hogwarts needs a laugh. Now more than ever. You lot have always been good for that."
James smiled, surprised. "Duly noted." He searched her face. "I always thought you hated that about me."
"Really?"
"Yeah, that I'm always mucking around."
"It's one of my favorite things about you, actually. Bullying people on the other hand, and acting like you own Hogwarts—"
"Alright, alright, I get it."
They laughed.
"Honestly though, Lily, if you don't want me to get a big head, perhaps you ought to choose your words more wisely."
"Sorry?"
"One of your favorite things, eh? Am I to understand you like more than one thing about me?"
"Oh, shut up, Potter."
"I'm absolutely floored."
"Yeah, yeah."
"You can tell me, you know. All the stuff you adore about me."
"Don't start with me, Potter."
"It's my antlers, isn't it?"
Lily laughed so hard her side hurt, and her laughter abruptly became a yelp of pain.
James sprang up. "Are you alright?"
"Fine, fine," said Lily. "I told you not to start with me! I admit I enjoy your company about 12% of the time and you start panting like a puppy."
"12%? You dislike me 88% of the time?"
"Roughly."
"Funny, I was going for a clean 90."
When their laughter subsided, James turned more serious. "So when are you getting out of here? Gryffindor misses you."
Lily sighed. "I dunno…the idea of seeing people…it's so hard."
"Clearly."
Lily looked up at him. "I'm sorry I wouldn't see you at first. It's just…you don't understand…it's…I can't talk about it, you know?"
"I won't ask you to, Lily. We only have to talk about it if you want to. You still need to process this." Lily didn't answer. "Everybody knows that, Lily. No one is going to pressure you to talk about things, or ask you anything. We just miss you. We want you to know you're alright."
Lily sighed again. "I'm not."
"No, of course not. Sorry, that was insensitive."
Lily stared. "James?"
"Hm?"
"You know…it's more than just…not having them around anymore…" Lily took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. Her voice was shaking, just as it did any time she attempted to talk about what happened. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. "It's also…well…it's my fault."
"What? Lily," James breathed, sitting forward in his chair. "Put that out of your head. Because you're wrong."
"I'm not though," said Lily, a tear dripping down her cheek. "If it wasn't for me—if I hadn't—"
"Lily, if you didn't go to the Ministry, it would have been worse. You helped stop this. You helped put it out in the open."
"I know, but James…my parents are Muggles…they didn't have to—I mean, if it wasn't for me…"
"Stop this," James said firmly, almost angrily. "Save the blame for the people responsible. You are not responsible."
She wanted to believe him, but she couldn't. She was crying in earnest now, bitter tears that she was afraid would never stop coming.
Without a word, James shifted from his chair to the edge of her bed and enclosed her in his arms. Lily resisted feebly at first, crying, "I wish I had never gotten my Hogwarts letter. If I wasn't a witch, if I wasn't part of this, they would be alright. Petunia's been right. It's the worst thing that ever could have happened to us. Hogwarts. This world."
"Your sister is jealous, Lily."
"It doesn't matter. At least she didn't get our parents as good as killed."
"Lily, you didn't. You didn't," James said, so tenderly, with such conviction, it made Lily cry harder. Finally, she responded to his embrace, clutching him back so tightly neither could move for being so entwined in the other. "I've got you, Lily," he said, "It's going to be alright. Don't worry. I've got you."