It was ridiculous.

Sitting across from James at dinner that night, Lily had to continually remind herself not to make eye contact with him. If she made eye contact with him, the idiotic grin that she could not wipe from her face—however hard she tried—would surely escalate to frenzied, uncontrollable laughter.

Why was it so hot in the Great Hall?

"Lily, will you pass the potatoes?"

And she knew she was being peculiarly quiet this evening. Was she being obvious? Then again, James was being extremely quiet himself, and perhaps everyone would assume they were just tired from carrying out various Head Student duties.

"Lily? The potatoes?"

Why did he have to be sitting directly across from her? If he had just gone several places down, she would not feel like such a dithering fool. Working so hard to avoid his gaze, her face sensationally red, was really worse than the prospect of the whole school finding out that only twenty minutes ago, she was all but clawing at James Potter in a pile of leaves during what was certainly the most stupefying kiss of her life.

"LILY!"

"Wha? Huh? 'S'wrong?"

"I NEED STARCH."

"What?"

"SPUDS. NOW."

"What are you talking about?"

"I've asked you forty-five times to kindly pass the potatoes, but clearly you are too busy fantasizing about what it might be like to get twenty NEWTS or whatever it is you Heads think about."

"I—Oh, right. Sorry." Lily cleared her throat and, feeling a bit harassed, passed the potatoes to Sirius. She avoided his gaze too, certain that one look from her might tell him everything. The second the thought occurred to her, she realized how absurd it was.

"You alright?" he asked, laying very calculating eyes on Lily as he took the platter and slowly dropped some potatoes onto his plate.

"Quite, thanks."

"You are being a bit funny, you know," said Libby, who was also seated across the table.

"I'm not," said Lily, far too quickly.

"Yes, you're all jittery.."

"I"m fine," she repeated, aware that a bit of spit had flown out of her mouth. It was so silent for a moment that she decided to chance the teensiest glance at James.

He was already looking at her. He looked away, a smile immediately dominating his features. They were both so red Lily felt like she and James might as well stand on one of the tables and shout, "WE JUST SNOGGED. A LOT."

It took a moment for Lily to realize that she was smiling so wide there was every possibility her molars were showing.

James snorted, trying to swallow a bout of laughter.

The pressure in Lily's head was so high she felt like it wouldn't hurt to release a bit of it. She let a giggle slip.

James's shoulders twitched as he laughed in another short breath.

And Lily laughed.

And James let it all out.

"What the hell is this?" said Sirius. "What've I missed?"

Clutching at her side, her eyes watering, Lily could not answer. She was laughing so hard she felt a bit insane.

"Oi, Prongs! Don't leave us in the dark! What's happened? You lot at the top of the Hogwarts food chain have a duty to keep the minions informed."

James gasped for air. "Ah, it's—it's nothing—really. I think we're—just tired."

"Tired from what?" asked Peter.

And something about that question sent Lily over the edge again.

Lily's laughter had Alice chuckling as she said, "Really, what is going on?"

"No, honestly," Lily choked. "It's just exhaustion. I feel a bit delirious."

"Clearly," said Sirius, his eyes wide. "You've both gone absolutely bonkers."

James said, "No worries, Padfoot. It's nothing." But he was grinning like the guiltiest, maddest of men. He looked up at the enchanted ceiling of the Great Hall in an attempt to steady himself, the stars reflecting in his glasses as he took a deep breath.

"Well, I don't believe you," Sirius said gruffly. "Something's going on."

"Leave it, Sirius."

Lily looked up to see Remus shoot a look at Sirius which seemed to convince him to, for once, obey. Sirius shrugged. "Alright then. 'Just tired' it is. Madness."

Libby cleared her throat. "So did you two finally do it?"

"What?" yelped Lily, and in the same moment James inhaled a piece of food and began choking frantically. Sirius thumped him on the back, laughing.

Libby chewed her food quietly for a second, looking between James and Lily as if they'd both completely lost it. "The schedule. Did you finally get it out of the way? Honestly, what is wrong with the pair of you?"

James and Lily were holding their breath.

James woke up the next couple of mornings not daring to believe that the last few days of his life had actually happened. Toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, staring at himself in the mirror positively dumbstruck he'd think, Did Evans have her hand on my thigh under the table at dinner last night? Well, that doesn't sound right at all. Have I gone mad? He'd have to wait until after a meeting with the Prefects, or double Herbology, or coming back from lunch at Hagrid's when Lily would catch his hand in hers for a few seconds, or sneak her arm around his waste, or stuff him into a cupboard and snog for England to realize he hadn't gone mat at all.

Maybe she's gone mad, he'd muse happily, his fingers tangled in her long, sweet-smelling red hair.

Lily was what one might consider deliriously happy. It was all right most times, but the constant urge to vomit rainbows and butterflies made it rather difficult to concentrate in lessons, particularly with James in the room looking studious. James was very funny and more often than not too silly for his own good, but as far as Lily was concerned nothing was worse than when he went all serious. Or studious.

The way his face cracked into a wicked grin when he'd catch her staring at him took a close second though.

It was Wednesday evening. Lily was exhausted from an extremely long day of lessons, a meeting with James and the Prefects, and monitoring the corridors for an hour, and she was just finishing up studying for her Arithmancy exam the following morning. She was enjoying her time alone in her dormitory, so much in fact that she nearly fell asleep, when a very loud sound startled her.

"Huh—wha—who's—blimey, Libby! Easy on the hinges!" said Lily groggily, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "Why've you come banging in here like a bloody parade of—"

"Tell me you didn't kiss James Potter."

Silence. Horrible, horrible silence. Libby stood, uniformed and shaking with anger she was clearly struggling to control.

"Libby…" Lily said, anxious.

"No, no. Just—I've just come from practice and Jack cracked a joke to James about snogging you. And I couldn't tell by his reaction if—just—Lily, tell me you didn't kiss him."

Lily sat there, her eyes fixed on Libby, a deer in headlights. "Oh, Libby…I don't know what to say…"

"Right," Libby said gruffly, beginning to strip from her Quidditch uniform with considerable force, "Right, so you did then. Brilliant. It only makes no sense whatsoever, but fine, who cares what I think of it?" She stuffed her Quidditch robes into her trunk and began packing her schoolbag for the morning. Lily could almost feel her anger radiating around the room.

"Libby, I'm sorry I've made you feel this way. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better," she said tentatively, afraid her friend would fly off the handle at any moment. When Libby did not reply, Lily started to utter more words of comfort, trying to phrase it in the way least likely to start Libby shouting at her. But the next words Libby spoke betrayed far less anger than Lily had anticipated—what actually came was worse. She sounded heartbroken. Libby threw down one of her books, looked Lily straight in the eyes, her own leaking fat, hot tears, and choked, "Why? Why did you kiss him, Lily? You know how I feel about him. And to just—to just—rub it in my—"

"I wasn't trying to—"

"I don't care what you were trying to do," said Libby, barely able to get the words out. "It's what you've done. What was it Lily? He f-fancies you for about two years and you can't be bothered, but the minute he goes off you, you can't stand it? You can't stand the idea that he could l-like someone else? So you have to—to just go ahead and put ideas in his head and—"

"Libby, I'm sorry but you two broke up months ago! On your terms! I thought you might feel a bit uncomfortable, but I had no idea you'd be this upset about it."

She was hardly listening. "So Potter finally got what he's always wanted, and you get to play around with his feelings for a while before you go off him, because you don't even like him. You just can't stand that he's finally realized that there are plenty of girls in the world and you're only one of them. Just ask Portia Vane, he's seeing her as well! Not that it matters, he's probably too busy reveling in the fact that he finally got to the one girl he couldn't get, the girl every bloke in the stupid school fancies. You don't even have anything in common," she spat. She was still crying, but her face was contorted in anger and bitterness. Lily was too stunned to speak. "D'you know what he told us, all of us on the team beginning of last term? He told us he got a bit stupid over you because you're fit and everything but that you're a high-strung, bad-tempered swot that he wouldn't get on with in the long run anyway. But that's alright, he thinks you're pretty. I'm sure that relationship will last ages. Good luck with that." And she stormed out of the dormitory, leaving a stunned Lily behind, speechless and agape.

When Lily woke up from what was most certainly the worst night's sleep she had ever had, she did not speak to Libby. In fact, she had her heart set on never speaking to Libby ever again. She was certain she barely passed her Arithmancy exam, and even worse, she had Professor Adder's class the following period.

"Stow your wands, everyone," James announced as he strolled in, used to Adder's insistence that a wand was not necessary in his class. "No point learning defensive magic, there's only a lunatic taking over the universe." Several people chuckled, and James winked at Lily.

She glared at him, then looked away before he had a chance to furrow his brow. "Has yours got cobwebs yet?" Sirius smirked, patting James on the shoulder so that he looked away from Lily. "Mine has, I think. But I can only put half the blame on Adder. It's on you as well, leaving me to be Head Boy. Your dreams were too big for our love!"

"Ah, mate, don't make me be sick on your shoes," James warned.

"What's wrong, Prongsie? Love overload?" He glanced at Lily. "What d'you reckon, Lily?"

"I reckon you should put your arse in a seat and Spellotape your mouth, Sirius."

"Whoa," said Sirius. "I've already got to deal with Remus's time of the month, Evans. Don't make me suffer yours as well." He winked at James.

"All right," said James, glancing warily at Lily. "Just—leave it, Sirius."

Sirius looked between his friends in confusion, then shrugged and found a seat.

Lily did not speak to either of them the entire lesson, and Professor Adder's lecture that day, in which he insisted that werewolves and vampires ought to be sent into the wild where they belong (because the idea of them carrying wands was laughable), only further infuriated her.

But Lily could only stand so much of this. She was on the verge of exploding with anger, and she needed to let it out. She was torn between her desire never to speak to him again and screaming herself hoarse at him, possibly until his ears flew off his head. She could not believe she'd actually been stupid enough not to realize he was seeing Portia Vane, and stupid enough to believe he actually had feelings for her. Of course he hasn't got feelings for me, Lily chastised herself, half the girls in the school fancy him.

Thinking she probably could not stand sitting down for lunch at the same table as Libby, and least of all James, Lily stalked out onto the grounds, muttering to herself like a lunatic and flinging herself under the quickly shedding oak tree to do some reading.

But she found herself unable to get past the first couple of sentences of the chapter. She kept seeing Libby in her head, red-faced and furious, tears in her eyes as she shouted at Lily.

And James, laughing at Lily with the Team, or meeting Portia just after he'd been with Lily…or worse…kissing her moments after he'd kissed Portia….

How could she have missed it? Portia was always talking to James at mealtimes, smiling at him in the corridors, finding an excuse to talk to him in the Common Room, asking for help with every single subject—Lily rolled her eyes—And how could Potter refuse anyone handing him attention and admiration?

Perhaps it wasn't even worth talking to him about this, as he was so obviously completely stuck in his—

"Boo!"

"WAAAAAA!"

Lily's heart was in her throat, pounding so hard she was suffocating. "You—what the hell?"

James was leaning against the trunk of the oak, doubled over with laughter. He'd jumped from a high branch directly in front of her, practically shaking the earth when he landed. Lily had been so immersed in her thoughts, so calmed by the stillness of her surroundings, he'd nearly frightened her to death. Both hands were clasped over her heart and her eyes were shut.

Still laughing, James dropped to his knees and crawled over to Lily. He kissed her forehead, then rested on his elbows, hovering over her.

"Blimey, Lily, I didn't mean to frighten you that much."

She opened her eyes. "What the hell were you doing up there?"

"Followed you out here, didn't I? Climbed up while you were reading and—hey—"

He furrowed his brow as Lily rejected his attempts at embracing her and pushed him away. "What gives? Are you actually angry?"

Lily pushed him clean off of her, then got to her feet. She waited until he did the same.

"Can I ask you something, Potter? Why does half the school know what happened between us last week?"

"Er—"

"Because evidently Jack made a comment about it at your last practice and Libby overheard. And now she's furious with me."

James looked only mildly concerned about this as he watched a leaf soar past him and catch in Lily's hair. He pulled it out matter-of-factly and explained, "I—well, I told Sirius and erm…he sort of…well, to put it delicately, he went round shouting about it a bit." He dropped the leaf, smiling sheepishly.

"Why did you tell Sirius?"

James blinked. "Because I was not aware you wished to keep it a secret?"

"Stop trying to be funny, this is serious. She's really angry!"

James laughed in spite of himself. "Lily, I'm sorry, but what do you want me to do? Sirius is my best mate and I was happy. He knows I've fancied you for ages, you know, sort of been there for the worst, and I wanted him to share in my victory."

"Your victory?" Lily's voice was dangerously low, her eyes slits.

James knew he'd chosen a disastrously poor choice of words the moment they'd left his mouth. "Ah, Lily, I didn't mean it that way. Come on, I went a bit giddy and I told my best mate. It's not like I made up a banner and dangled it off the Astronomy Tower. And I didn't know you'd be all embarrassed about it and wouldn't want people finding out."

Lily watched him for a moment, flustered. "I'm—oh, I'm not embarrassed, I'm just—it was awful with Libby before. She was gutted and I suppose I didn't really think about how she'd react to…to…"

And then, something about what Libby had said struck Lily. How could she have forgotten? She was so focused on Libby's reaction she'd forgotten all else…

"You alright?" James asked when Lily was silent for several moments.

Lily smiled. But it was not her usual bright, lovely smile. In fact, she looked a little deranged.

James gulped. "Er, say something, Lily. You're, er, making me feel a bit edgy."

Lily attempted to arrange her expression so that she could give the impression of sanity. She cleared her throat delicately. "James," she said, calmly and quite seductively.

"I—yes?"

She sauntered closer to him, and when she was near enough, she ran her hands up his chest and hooked them around his neck. James's eyes looked about to leap out of his skull.

"What was that you said before? You were really happy about the other night?"

James chuckled, his crooked grin twisting his lips. He wrapped his arms around Lily's waist. "Yeah," he said. "And—and giddy. I said giddy as well…" His voice had gone all husky again, something that usually made Lily melt.

"That's very interesting, Mr. Potter, because I was very very worried you might not feel that way."

"Er—why—why on earth would you think that?"

"Well," said Lily, pretending to think very hard. "I was just worried you might think I was too much of a HIGH-STRUNG-BAD-TEMPERED-SWOT," and she emphasized each slur by ripping James's hands off of her, shoving him, reaching over his head and pulling his robes over his face.

"Whoa!" he cried, scrabbling for the neck of his robes to expose his face again. By the time he'd righted his robes, Lily was halfway up the lawn. "No! Wait! Lily!" he swore under his breath as he tore after her. "Oh come on, Lily! At least let me explain!"

"What is there to explain? It's what you think and there's nothing either of us can do about it."

"Lily—just—stop—it!" James struggled after her, and when he overtook her he stopped dead in front of her, hands up as if in surrender. "Just please—allow me to explain."

"I'm not interested," she said, folding her arms.

"Why not?"

"Because there's nothing you can say."

"But I didn't mean it!"

"So you lied?"

"Yes! I mean—no! I—well, in a manner of speaking, yes."

"Then you're a liar. Again, not interested."

"Ah, blimey Lily, you always—you get me so tongue-tied and it's not fair. Can't you give me one chance to not make a prat of myself?"

"You have made a prat of yourself."

James huffed. "Redeem myself then?"

Lily considered him for some time. "Go on then," she said casually.

"Okay. I did say that. I said it, and I was only…I dunno…being bitter. Because I really really liked—well, like you, and for ages you wouldn't even give me the time of day. And…I guess I wanted to make myself feel better or something," he said, shrugging and looking stressed. "Honestly, I wanted to believe what I was saying more than I actually believe it. I mean, no, wait, I didn't mean—I don't believe it at all, okay?"

"I don't believe you."

"Oh, come on, Lily! How could I like you so much if I thought those things about you?"

"I've been asking myself that same question."

"Huh? Listen, Lily…I obviously don't think you're high-strung and bad-tempered, I just said that because you wouldn't go out with me. You're a laugh, we always have a laugh together. That's why I like you so much. And…er…well, okay you are a bit swotty. But it's a good thing! You're studious! Come on, don't be sore, Evans."

Something about hearing James's former, more formal way of addressing her warmed her inside.

"Blimey, Evans, I thought you knew me! The day I slag you off…well…it'll be Saint Whatsit's Day. Saint Clang Whatever."

Lily laughed. "Saint Glinglin's Day, you mad wizard."

James capitalized on her amusement and pulled her into a hug. The side of his neck was warm, and Lily buried her face into his balmy scent. She breathed him in, intoxicated by the enormity of her affection for him, feeling so small beneath its weight and frightened by her inability to fight it. She could not believe how overwhelming her feelings were after lying dormant for years.

She looked up into his warm, hazel eyes, and then he was kissing her, tenderly at first, then more urgently. No one had ever kissed her the way James Potter could, fiercely but gently, never too aggressive, never too timid. She felt so strongly—too strongly…

"James," she breathed into their kiss, "stop."

"What is it?" he asked, in that irresistibly throaty voice.

"I…I have to ask you something, and…just be honest, all right?" she said desperately.

"What is it?" He was still holding her, and she was distracted for a moment by the way his thumb was tracing little delicate circles on her back…

Lily took a deep breath. "Are you seeing Portia Vane?"

James's mouth twitched, before, very quickly, he answered, "No."

He did not look as shocked by the accusation as Lily would have liked.

She raised her eyebrow.

"I'm only seeing you," he promised.

Lily continued staring at him, as if searching for the truth, then sighed. "Perfect. Your romantic life is the entire castle's business for about two years, and now that it might concern me I'm left in the dark. I never thought I'd miss the days when your personal life was practically in the Daily bloody Prophet!"

"What are you talking about?"

Lily knew she was being ridiculous; James had never been any more flagrant about his love life than any other normal seventeen year old. She had just been hypersensitive to it lately, so aware of every little deed and change of interest and girlfriend and crush and whatever else.

"I…I…"

James waited, eyeing her warily.

And all she wanted was to be able to say, I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm really sorry, just forget it, I'm just a little on edge today.

But to her absolute horror, she felt a tide of emotion coming in, and she felt like if she spoke she might cry.

"What is the matter with you?" he asked sharply.

"Nothing," said Lily with a sigh, and as she looked at the floor she could not stop a tear from falling.

"Look at me."

Lily shrugged and continued looking away. She was about to say, "I've got to run," but James repeated, "Look at me, Lily."

And when she did, when he could see that she was, in fact, a blubbering mess, he pulled a pained expression.

"What is it?" he asked.

She couldn't take him being kind like this, being so understanding when there was no reason for her to be crying in the first place. It wasn't like he had promised her anything…

She gulped. "I don't mind, you know," she lied. "If you're seeing someone else. It's not like…I mean we're not…I was just curious. Libby said you're seeing Portia. I thought I'd ask you." Lily steadied herself.

James sighed. "I was. Well, that's not even really true. I dunno, she seemed keen and we spent a bit of time together. But nothing happened." He looked at her for a moment. "And what do you mean you don't mind? You're crying," he rolled his eyes.

"I'm just—upset that Libby is so angry." Lily was amazed how quickly the lie materialized.

James looked taken aback. "I—oh."

"Honestly, you can be honest about Portia. We're friends," Lily shrugged.

"Friends," James repeated hesitantly. "Interesting." He looked at his fingernails for a moment, then very casually he said, "Well, if we're only friends, I think I'd rather keep that information private. You know, as it's between Portia and me."

Lily stomped, "Oh, damn it, Potter, have it your own way! We're not totally friends—we've been messing about, I get it. Now tell me what's going on!"

"Nothing!" he shouted. "I've just said, nothing! Dunno why it should concern you, as you apparently don't mind if I see other people, and claim we're friends who've been messing about!"

"So?"

He shot her a very incredulous look.

Lily felt her stomach turn over, and her palms were sweating. She felt strangely panicky. After over a year of what seemed to be a complete lack of interest in her, and after seeing him handle his relationships with other girls so casually, pursuing them with such throwaway emotion, Lily didn't think she could handle being next in line.

James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Well. I dunno what to say."

"I haven't asked you to say anything, I'm just saying…"

"What?" he snapped.

"Look, I'm sorry I brought this up."

"Well, I'm not. Apparently something needs to be discussed. If you're so upset you're crying over it—"

"I'm not—I wasn't—god, you can be such a smug little bastard sometimes." Lily felt her lip trembling again.

"Smug? Me smug? You're the one—you can't even—you're standing here crying because—and you can't even say—you can't even tell me—me smug?" He was spluttering, so angry that Lily had the nerve to criticize his dating habits, yet so afraid that he was misguided in his inkling about Lily's distress.

"Just…let's please forget this, alright?"

"I want you to tell me how you feel." His voice was so firm it was almost a command.

"I've told you how I feel, it bothers me when—"

"I want you to tell me how you feel about me," he said quite loudly, growing impatient.

That panicked feeling rose in Lily's gut again, and she just couldn't do it. Feeling like an utter coward, she said, "What kind of thing is that to say?"

"God, Lily, cut the crap. Just talk to me. Just say it."

"You don't sound like you need to hear me say anything, it seems like you have your mind pretty made up about how I feel."

He took a deep breath, looked into her eyes and said, "I just need to hear you say it."

It was such a simple statement. Delivered calmly, evenly, with barely a variation in expression, yet the whole world lie in it. It carried endless possibility, as if Lily need only make this one small effort, and she could have anything…

And for a moment, it worked. "James…" she began softly. "I dunno exactly how I feel…but…it's just that when…sometimes…er….with you… it feels…I feel like…"

"What?" he said equally softly, taking a step toward her.

She froze. She was terrified. She felt so horribly small under the power James seemed to have over her that she began scrambling for a way to back out of what she had just said.

James, apparently sensing this, grew agitated again. "God, Lily, just talk to me. What am I going to do, bite your head off?"

"No, but you can—you might—" Lily gave a tiny scream of frustration, and all her fear and anxiety came out again when James urged her to speak, and she actually wanted to. She wanted to tell him, and she was being guided so easily by his words, allowing him to put her right where he wanted her. She felt weak, and powerless, and, never having allowed these types of things to compromise her this way, she did not know what to do.

"Just tell me the truth," he said.

"Fine. You want the truth, you can have it. I really could have liked you, James, and I suppose I thought I did for a while. But you're so arrogant you think you can just treat girls however you like and cast them aside whenever you're through and everyone's still just supposed to worship you or something. You can't just throw a load of sweet talk at me and expect me to lap it up like Cordelia or Libby or Portia—"

"You do realize Libby broke up with me, don't you?"

"Yes, but—"

But James cut her off, raising his voice. "And you do realize I only went out with Cordelia once, and she ended our date early, don't you?"

"Well, I—"

"And you do realize I was honest with Portia from the beginning about not being interested in a relationship, upfront from the start about having serious feelings for someone else, and she decided to back off—don't you?"

Lily made to argue again, but stopped short.

"And may I point out," he harangued, "that Libby broke up with me because she thought there was something between you and me when she saw your Patronus in Defense Against the Dark Arts last term. Did you know that? She pretty much had her mind made up after that, but just to be sure, she came right out and asked me if I had feelings for you. You can guess what I said. Cordelia stormed off on me that night at the Three Broomsticks because I gave Myers a duffing up over you, but I'm pretty sure she noticed I wanted to strangle him even when you were enjoying his pathetic come-ons. And you're a clever girl, Lily—care to take a stab at who I referred to in my chat with Portia? Or shall I spell that out for you too? I've got this far, what's a bit more pointless explanation of common knowledge?"

As James ticked off each explanation, Lily felt the major, devastating blows to her entire argument. Sense told her it was time, that there was nothing more James could give her if she didn't give anything back. He had made effort after effort, fair and honest efforts, worn his heart on his sleeve time and time again, and there she was, a Gryffindor too cowardly to trust his affection, to afraid to get hurt the way she knew James could hurt her.

She looked away. "I don't even know why we're talking about this," she said coldly. "It doesn't matter."

"Doesn't it?"

"No."

It was quiet for a few seconds.

"Do I really have to—" James sighed, defeated. "Just answer yes or no then—do you feel anything for me other than friendship?"

Lily hesitated. Then—"No. I don't."

"You don't," he repeated.

Lily nodded, fighting tears with everything she had as James closed his eyes and nodded.

"What was this?" he asked bitterly, gesturing between himself and Lily, and she knew he meant the past couple of days.

Lily shrugged.

"Well then. I s'pose that's my cue to bow out," he said with a cold smile and a mock-bow. He turned, took several steps up the lawn, then stopped. When he faced her again, the cold smile had vanished. Instead, he looked heartbroken.

"And Lily?" he called over the wind. "If this is the way you feel, don't bother me in future with any more of your self-indulgent criticisms on how I handle my relationships." And he walked swiftly toward the castle.