Susan lay wide awake in her tent. It had been dark for some time now, but she had been completely unable to fall asleep. Her mind was uneasy. Her heart had not been able to slow down from the moment that the White Witch had come to see Aslan. Her family was not safe here. Not like they were really safe in England either, but at least there she had some idea of how to protect them. Here in Narnia she had no clue, and that scared her. She did not want to fight in a war, but she knew if it came down to it, she would do it to protect her family. She would always protect her family.
She rolled over onto her side and sniffed, trying to keep the tears at bay. She had to be strong. Lucy was in the bed right across from her. She could not let Lucy see her cry. She had to be strong for Lucy especially. Susan wished that her mother was here. She would know exactly what to do. Her mother was so strong, always. Susan wanted to be just like her when she grew up. Her mother was tough, but incredibly gentle to every human and creature she came into contact with. She was perfect.
She heard her name being whispered from across the tent. Lucy was calling out to her and pointing outside the tent behind her. A shadow of a lion crept past their tent. It had to be Aslan. There were no other lions around here that Susan knew of. A look passed between the two girls before they were silently jumping out of bed to follow him. Before walking out of the tent, Susan grabbed her bow and arrow set from Saint Nicholas. They might need it on their journey, wherever Aslan was leading them. They decided without even speaking about it that they would not alert him to their following him.
But of course Aslan knew. He knew everything. Still, he let them come with him. Something about him seemed sad. The way his shoulders hung, and the heavy footfall of his steps made Susan worried. Something bad was about to happen. They walked in silence. Susan and Lucy both had their hands wrapped in Aslan's mane. It seemed to comfort not only Him, but them as well. When they parted, the girls both felt an intense heaviness fall upon them. Aslan told them not to follow him any further. But what could they possibly do instead? They had to follow Him. They had to see this through.
They watched from a cliff, hidden behind some bushes as Aslan headed towards what they would later find out was the Stone Table. The Witch was there, and all of her creatures. What happened next Susan was never able to talk about, it was much too horrible to repeat, but it haunted her forever.
After it all was done, Susan wept and wept on the Stone Table with Lucy. What were they to do without Aslan? He was their hope, their guiding light. He knew exactly what he was doing. And that was what Susan said to Lucy to try and comfort her. Through her tears she managed to choke it out, but of course it was not enough to take away Lucy's pain, or to take away Susan's own pain for that matter. But He had to have known what he was walking into. She kept saying that to herself over and over.
There had to be a reason for all of this. Susan just had to figure out what it was. Lucy cried herself to sleep, weeping over Aslan's cold body, but Susan tried to stay awake and deduce it all. There must be a reason she came to Narnia in the first place. It was not just for some fun. There had to be something greater going on here. They had to be a reason that Edmund had believed in the White Witch enough to go with her. There had to be a reason that Aslan sacrificed himself for Edmund, because that was surely what had happened. There had to be a reason why she was suffering all this loss, going through all these hardships with her family. But what was the reason?
She looked out over Aslan to the moon over the trees. Was it to bring them closer? They had drifted apart recently. But that was normal wasn't it? They were growing up, all of them, and becoming interested in different things. All siblings drifted apart. Susan reasoned.
Yes, but they were all still young. They had plenty of precious years left together to be children. Maybe that was it. Maybe they had all tried to grow up too fast. When father left for the war, Peter stepped right in to fill his missing shoes. And Susan… well she was too wrapped up in her studies, and worried about finding a logical explanation for everything that she could not be bothered to spend any more time with her siblings.
Maybe that was it. Maybe she came here to try and come to terms with the fact that not everything had a logical explanation. Certainly Narnia did not, but that did not make this place any less real. Maybe she needed to rely less on logic and little bit more on belief. She needed to believe in Aslan, and more importantly she needed to believe in herself.
This whole time she had doubted herself and her ability to take care of her family. Even before she had been brought into this strange new world she had doubted it, and she knew that Peter had doubted his abilities as well. Maybe they both needed to believe in themselves a little bit more. Susan knew that she did. She was capable. If she was not before, Narnia had made her capable. It had already taught her to be brave. She had learned how to shoot a bow and arrow. And most of all, she had had fun here. She had been able to let herself go a little. She had not done that in quite some time.
So maybe that was what this was all about. In the midst of all this loss and hardship, Susan had found herself again. She believed, finally, that she could watch over her family and keep them safe. She would do whatever she had to do to keep them safe. She believed in Aslan.
The sky became gray instead of black. The morning was coming. Susan woke Lucy and they started to leave the Stone Table. It was time to get back to Peter and Edmund.
As they walked away, Susan thought one last time, "He must know what he's doing."