Rose Hill, 1779
Quinn was kneeling on the ground, weeding out the rose bushes. Rachel held the sun umbrella over their heads. Quinn had argued it wasn't necessary, but the summer sun was at its peak, and Rachel didn't want Quinn to get a sunburn. It broke her heart to see Quinn trying so hard to get something to bloom every season, only to be disappointed a few weeks later when the bushes started to dry out again. Perhaps the Caribbean sun was just too hard on the roses.
Still, there were few times Rachel knew Quinn was as relaxed as when she had her hands covered in dirt. Which is precisely the reason why Rachel chose this exact moment to tell Quinn what she had been suspecting. She had been quiet all day, and Quinn had noticed it. She couldn't post pone it much further.
"What is running inside your head?" Quinn asked, looking up to her from under her hat. Rachel bit her lip, and kneeled by Quinn's side to come closer and assure no one else would hear it.
"I think I might be pregnant," she whispered, getting it all out of her chest at once. Quinn fumbled with the tools in her hand and dropped them on the ground before turning towards Rachel with the most startled eyes.
"Wha- How-" Quinn stuttered, fluttering her eyes and swallowing hard. Rachel felt her hands getting sweaty and her stomach flipped again. It had done that a lot lately. She was getting used to all that movement going on inside of her. "I can't get you pregnant, can I?" she asked, and Rachel's mouth hang open for a second when she realized Quinn hadn't connected the dots.
"Quinn," she whispered with a sad smile and a shake of her head. Quinn's eyes shot even wider when realization hit her, and Rachel felt a tug in her heart.
"What are we gonna do?" Quinn murmured with her eyes filled with tears. Rachel reached for her hand, but she flinched away and shook her head. Rachel was almost hurt - but then she remembered they were outside where everyone could see and convinced herself that was the reason Quinn wouldn't touch her.
"What do you mean?" Rachel asked with a frown, looking down to the bushes to avoid Quinn's eyes. She was too scared of reading in them what Quinn wasn't saying out loud.
"Well, you don't wanna have this baby, do you?" Quinn asked, but got her answer solely from Rachel's expression of shock at what she insinuated. Rachel had been terrified once she first suspected it, but that thought had never crossed her mind. She didn't think this would be the context, but she had always dreamed of having a child. "Rachel, you can't! That baby isn't yours, it's theirs!" Rachel frowned further, twisting her face with disgust for Quinn's words.
"This baby is mine! It's inside of me, it doesn't matter how it got there. It's mine and only mine," she said. Quinn didn't move and stood still with her face pale in startle. "I can't believe you would even say that," Rachel said in a murmur, shaking her head again and turning to face the other way.
"Are you sure though? That you are pregnant?" Quinn asked, scrunching up her nose. She didn't knew why Quinn's reactions were hurting her so much. Of course, she hadn't expected Quinn to be quite on board with all of that, but still, she didn't think would be so bad. "You haven't been getting morning sickness or anything. Isn't that how it goes?"
"Well, I'm almost sure, but that's why I'm telling you. I think George could know for sure if I really am pregnant or not," she explained, and Quinn nodded. "But I can't talk to him about that. So I was wondering if you…" she motioned with her hands towards her stomach instead of finishing the sentence. Quinn understood.
"Okay," Quinn said with a firm nod. "Don't worry. I'll talk to him. I'll fix this."
"Quinn, there's nothing to fix!" Rachel whined, feeling her heart tugging again. Although small, she had kept her hope that perhaps Quinn could be happy with the news. It was devastating to see her talk about the pregnancy like that.
"Yes, right!" Quinn nodded again, shutting her eyes tightly. "Sorry. I'll just talk to him," she said.
But perhaps Quinn was only startled with the surprise of it all. Rachel was too, at first. Perhaps Quinn could come to terms with the idea. Rachel could try to change her mind. She knew how to be persuasive when she wanted to.
"Father, you won't believe what happened!" Quinn cried out, entering her parents bedroom. Judy quickly placed herself between Russell and Quinn, stopping her from getting too close. Quinn narrowed her eyebrows in a scowl.
"Come on, Quinn. You're father isn't well, this isn't the time for you to bother him with one more of your stupid little problems!" said Judy. Quinn's mouth fell open. She considered taking a step back, but her father grabbed her hand to keep her close.
"Oh, Judy, let her speak. I can't stand being stuck in this bed any longer. At least let my sweet child keep me company and entertain me with the news of her life," said Russell, gently pushing Judy out of the way and scooting to the middle of the bed so that Quinn could lay by his side. Quinn promptly abode, and threw her legs over the covers.
"That's why you never get better, Russell! You never follow the doctors recommendations. They said rest and no visits! But I'm done, you're grown already and I'm tired of trying to help you," Judy said, marching her way out of the room. Quinn frowned and turned to look at her father, but he only shook his head.
"Don't worry," he said. "She'll be back in just a few minutes to check on me again. I'm irresistible." He chuckled, and so did Quinn - before she remembered the reason that took her there in the first place. "Now, what did you want to tell me?"
"I think Rachel might be pregnant," she said in a whisper, feeling her cheeks blushing. This wasn't the kind of subject she was used to talk about with her father.
"Well, those are some wonderful news!" he said, with a smile so big that almost made Quinn forget how sick he was - until he started coughing again.
"Wonderful?" she asked with a cringe, when he could finally breath again to listen to her. "How?"
"Well, dear, her work load isn't that hard, so she will be able to continue doing her chores pregnant or not without affecting business. And we can profit from this child. We can sell it in the future. Especially if it turns out to be light skinned like she is, we can make a lot of money!" Russell said, and Quinn's stomach churned. She hadn't think about keeping the baby, but selling it - taking it away from its mother, from Rachel - sounded even more awful.
"But father, she's a single woman, that's not right!" Quinn argued.
"Oh, those are white people rules, my dear. They don't apply to slaves. Slaves have children and more children all the time without ever getting married. They're different," he shrugged, and his face twisted in pain. Moving hurt too much. Quinn caught his hand, to give a gentle massage as she spoke.
"Well, still. I don't think that's right. In fact, I came to you seeking a way to take this baby out. She doesn't want to, but I'm fairly sure I can convince her if I try hard enough. I think it's just the best for everyone."
"Quinn, are you aware this is an awful sin? You want to kill one of God's children. That's not right. It disgusts me that you would even think about that. You sound just like your m-" he stopped himself, and shook his head.
"Like whom?" Quinn asked, but he shook his head again.
"Never mind. It doesn't matter. Just get that idea out of your head. You won't do anything against this baby, Quinn, did you hear me? Anything," he said, much more firm than she figured he still could be, being as sick as he was. But she nodded. For a second Quinn wondered if that was really the reason why he seemed so invested on a child he had just heard about a minute ago - but she shook those thoughts out of her head. Nothing had happened between her father and Rachel. Rachel had assured her. She would drive herself nuts if she didn't stop thinking of that possibility. "I know for a fact you would regret if you did anything. You'll be able to see that in the future. Children can be wonderful for a house. You'll see how much life that small baby will bring onto here!"
"Quinn?" Rachel called, knocking on the door. Quinn furrowed her eyebrows. Rachel never knocked.
"Yes?" she asked suspiciously.
"There's someone over here who wants to meet you," Rachel said. Quinn walked to the door and tried to see who it was by the crack of the door - but she couldn't see anything.
"Who is it?" Quinn asked, but before she could get an answer, Rachel had already opened the door.
Quinn gasped, seeing Rachel with a baby on her arms. For a second, it crossed her mind that it was Rachel's baby - and she wanted to hit herself when a second later she realized how absurd that sounded. She didn't know a lot about pregnancies, but at least she knew they weren't that fast.
"Whose baby is that?" Quinn asked, taking a few steps back. She didn't know why, but she didn't feel comfortable around that baby. Something about him looked and felt way too familiar, but Quinn had no idea what.
"Lou Lee's," Rachel answered, taking a step forward. Quinn couldn't walk any further away, or Rachel would notice it - and Quinn knew she would be hurt. She knew Rachel hadn't just casually brought that baby up to Quinn's room, especially knowing the risks of meeting Judy on her way. "Isn't he handsome? His name is Bernie," she said. Quinn nodded nervously. "Would you like to hold him?" Rachel asked.
"I don't think that's a very good idea, Rachel," she said with a nervous chuckle. "I have never held a baby. I could drop him."
"It's not that hard," Rachel said with a smile, coming even closer. Quinn's back hit the bed, and she sat down. Rachel took advantage of Quinn's immobility to sit by her side, and placed the baby in Quinn's arms before she could protest any further. "See? I knew you could do it," Rachel said with a smile.
Quinn stood still, afraid even the smallest movement could wake up the child. Rachel scoot closer, brushing their arms together and placing a finger inside the baby's hand. Bernie squirmed for a second, and Quinn caught her breath - but then he sighed deeply and smiled, and Quinn felt something melting inside of her. And then it hit her. And then she remembered why that tiny little boy looked so familiar.
"You know," Quinn whispered, catching Rachel's attention. "Do you remember Mama Minda? I've told you about her before," she said, and Rachel nodded. "She used to take care of a baby boy that looked just like this one. When she died, I took care of him for a few days. I told everyone he was my baby. Until my parents found out, that is," she said, with a sad smile. Rachel lifted her other hand to gently caress Quinn's cheek.
"I could share it with you," she whispered. Quinn frowned in confusion, and Rachel looked down to her stomach. With the thick gown and so many undergarments, Quinn couldn't see any difference. "It's my baby. But perhaps it could be a little bit yours too."
"I don't know, Rachel," Quinn murmured, closing her eyes for a second. She couldn't deny her heart had swollen with Rachel's words, but still…
"What are you afraid of?" Rachel asked. "I know you, Quinn. You're terrible at keeping secrets. You're not telling me why you are so uncomfortable with all of this." Quinn sighed. Rachel was always right.
"I'm afraid every time I see this baby, I'll remember. I'll remember all those men around you, with their hands on you and-" she stopped herself. She couldn't go on, and a hiccup broke on her chest. She hadn't admitted to herself until then, and to say it out loud made it sound even worse, but it was the true. She was afraid she would hate the child because of the way it had been conceived. Rachel grabbed the baby back into one of her arms, and pulled Quinn closer with the other. Quinn drew a deep breath to stop herself from crying. She didn't want to.
"Quinn, I'm sure that won't happen," Rachel smiled sadly. "I'm sure you'll love this baby the second you meet it. The same way you love me, regardless of everything that happened to me. This baby isn't guilty of anything. It isn't his fault."
"I'll think about it, okay?" Quinn promised, snuffling. She just wanted to make that conversation go away. She wanted to make that whole situation disappear.
"Let's make a deal, alright?" Rachel asked, and Quinn opened her eyes to face her. "Let me keep it. When it's born, I'll make sure you're the first one to meet it. And if it doesn't happen- if you don't fall in love with it, I'll bring it to kitchen house. I'm sure Dorea and Abbie won't mind helping me raise it. And I'll make sure you never get to see that baby, if you're right and it brings you bad memories. How does that sound?"
Terrible.
It sounded simply awful to make Rachel hide her baby in the kitchen house - it sounded just like something her mother would make happen. And that's when Quinn knew. It didn't matter how it hurt her, or how many bad memories the baby brought - they would keep it. Because Rachel wanted, and Rachel already loved it, and nothing in that farm mattered but Rachel's happiness.
"No," she said. Rachel's eyes shot open, and were about to start fluttering to cry when Quinn stopped her. "We'll keep it, and if it hurts me, you'll help me. And you'll show me how to love it. You'll teach me. You've thought me how to love you, didn't you? I was awful at that too. I don't really know how to deal with my feelings. With love. Because my mother never taught me. She never showed me what a mother's love is supposed to feel like. But I'm sure you can help me."
"I will," Rachel nodded vigorously, hugging her tightly with the one arm available as Bernie slept safe and sound in her arm, oblivious to everything that went around him. "I love you so much, Quinn. We'll be a little family together," she whispered shyly, and Quinn nodded.
"I love you too," Quinn whispered back, rehearsing how the words sounded on her lips when she imagined the you concerning more than just Rachel.
"George!" Quinn greeted him by the door, tackling him in a tight hug. As she had suspected, they didn't get to see each other as much now that he had moved. Yet, it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. In the end, they ended up seizing more the few times they met, now that it wasn't taken for granted. "How are you enjoying the city life?"
"Oh, it's been great!" he answered with a chuckle, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. "It's terrific not to have to take such a long ride to see my patients, and to be able to get fresh bread by just crossing the street. If it was just a little bit quieter, I think it would be perfect."
"I'm sure I would never get used to all that noise," said Quinn, scrunching up her nose and shaking her head. George chuckled.
"Anyway, how have you been doing? Is everything okay? What did you need me for?" George asked, and Quinn could hear the concern in his voice. She couldn't have sent the carriage driver to fetch George with the information of why he was necessary.
"Everything is fine, I just need you to check a little something. Would you walk with me to my room?" she asked and he nodded, wrapping an arm around hers. As they came inside, Rachel promptly got up. George never cared about those formalities, but Quinn knew it was hard for Rachel to break those habits.
"Rachel, how great to see you!" he said, with a bright smile. Quinn smiled too. It was heartwarming to see someone in her family who liked Rachel more than for just being a useful slave.
"It's nice to see you too, George," she answered shyly. Quinn lead Rachel to sit on the edge of the bed, and pulled a chair for George to sit in front of her. He was still somewhat confused about his reason for being there, until Quinn broke the news.
"We're thinking Rachel might be pregnant," she said. George's eyes shot open in surprise, but quickly softened with empathy. Quinn bit her lip. That should have been her reaction. She still had so much to learn about how to care for people.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, catching Rachel's hand between his.
"It's okay, don't be sorry," said Quinn, trying to break the gloomy mood. "She wants to keep it. We'll take care of it, and everything will be fine," she said, partially reassuring herself too. It's what she wanted to believe, after all.
"Well, in that case congratulations," he said with a nervous giggle, pressing Rachel's hand a tad more firmly. "Babies are always a blessing! What have been your symptoms?"
"I don't know," Rachel said with a small shy shrug. Quinn sat by her side, to give her support. "I can feel it moving inside of me." George nodded. Quinn swallowed hard. She couldn't imagine that - having something alive inside of you. It sounded terrifying.
"Would you mind taking off your gown? You can keep your stays, but I will need to check a few things and the gown's fabric is too thick," he explained, and Rachel nodded without a care, already pulling the laces of her gown. She looked perfectly comfortable with the situation, and Quinn felt something in the pit of her stomach. She knew it was ridiculous to even consider being jealous, especially since it was George, but still. She couldn't help it. "Have you been having morning sickness?" he asked.
"No, I haven't, sir," Rachel answered.
"Drop the sir, Rachel," said George, with a smirk. Rachel blushed.
"That's what I asked her too," Quinn said with a firm nod. "Shouldn't she be having those? Perhaps it's only a stomachache, right?" Rachel frowned, and Quinn regretted her words. George ignored her.
"Have you been getting your menses?" he asked, but Rachel remained quiet for a few seconds, fluttering her eyes. Quinn frowned, not understanding why she wouldn't answer George.
"I don't know what is that," she confessed. Quinn gasped quietly, but George shook his head and tapped the back of Rachel's hand.
"It's perfectly fine, don't worry!" he reassured her. "It's that time of the month where you bleed for a few days," he explained patiently, and Rachel's eyes widened as she nodded quickly.
"Yes! I haven't had that anymore!" she said with a vigorous nod. George nodded with tight sealed lips, and wrote something down on his notepad. Rachel must have realized Quinn's face of surprise, because she shyly tried to explain herself. "My mother was already dead when that started to happen, so no one really taught me about it. I had to figure it out on my own," she whispered. Quinn smiled sympathetically and grabbed her other hand.
"Well, Rachel, that's the main symptom of a pregnancy, so I'm fairly sure we're past the doubt stage now," George said, and Quinn could feel Rachel lightening up. She was quite excited about that baby, and Quinn looked forward to the moment she too would be. "Now, if you excuse me, may I check your heartbeat?" he asked, and she nodded. He placed his ear against Rachel's chest, and held her to stay still. "It seems like everything is fine with you. Now, may I try to see if I can find the baby's heartbeat?" he asked, and she nodded again. He carefully pulled her stays to be tighter around her stomach, marking a round belly, and placed his ear against it. He moved a little bit to each side, until finally stopping near her left ribs. "Here it is! What a strong baby!" he said, and Rachel beamed. Quinn shifted in her seat nervously. "Would you like to hear it, Quinn?" he asked.
"Yes," she answered shyly, kneeling by the floor and placing her head exactly where his had been. She didn't know what exactly to look for and frowned when she didn't hear anything. But then George gently pulled her head just a little to the side, and the most powerful thud rang against her ears. Her eyes shot open and she took a step back in startle. "That's it? That's loud!"
"It is quite loud indeed," he said with a giggle. Rachel was still smiling from Quinn's reaction when Quinn came back to her side on the bed. Quinn grabbed her hand again, but squeezed it tighter this time. They would be fine. "I believe you are pretty far ahead already, Rachel. Your stomach may not be that big, but that surely has to do with how small you are and your alimentation habits. I wouldn't give you anything more than a couple months before this baby is here among us," he said, and Quinn's stomach sank. That was not enough time for her to get used to all this change. "Be sure to feed her well in the meantime, Quinn. The baby still needs to gain weight," he said.
"Of course, yes," Quinn said with a nod. "What do we need to do now, then?"
"Nothing but wait, and make sure she rests a little. Also don't get her to do any hard work. No lifting heavy things or such," he said, and Quinn nodded again. She was about to ask him if he thought that perhaps she should stop working altogether, but the door was slammed open before she could open her mouth.
By the door frame stood Judy, paler than Quinn had ever seen her and quite out of breath. She stood still, eyes wide open in shock seeing Rachel, only on her shifts, sitting in Quinn's bed, George kneeling in front of her and Quinn attached to her arm. Quinn felt her heart stopping. Quinn felt the whole world stopping. But instead of freaking out, like she had assumed her mother would, she simply ran to George's side and grabbed him by the arm.
"George, come with me, for Lord's sake!" she said with a cry, and only then Quinn noticed her bloodshot eyes and tears running down her face. "Your father just had a convulsion and is not making any sense! Please, hurry!"
The three of them walked into the room to find a sweaty Russell on the bed, still shaking a little. Rachel followed just after putting her gown over her stays, and stood by the door watching as George hurriedly went through his briefcase, looking for something. She knew she probably wasn't welcomed in what was such an intimate family moment, but she was just too curious - and nervous - and no one was paying attention enough to tell her to get out, so she stood there.
"Father? Can you hear me?" George asked, setting fire to a small wood stick and moving it in front of Russell's eyes. Russell didn't answer at all, but kept on mumbling the incoherent words he had been saying since they arrived.
"What is going on, George?" Judy asked, but George didn't answer.
Instead, George grabbed a scalpel and made a deep cut in Russell's arm. Rachel cringed and shivered as the blood quickly started coming out onto a small bowl. She had no idea what was that for, but she trusted George. Russell didn't complain of pain at all. Rachel wondered if he was already gone.
"Father, look at me," George tried again, holding Russell's head in his direction. "We're getting this out of your body, whatever it is. Don't worry, father. Hold in there!"
Quinn stood by the bed foot, watching everything with wide eyes. George seemed in a hush, and Rachel was fairly sure it was in vain. Russell wasn't there anymore, just like her mother wasn't there the night before she officially died. Rachel believed your soul left before your body did. And Russell's was long gone.
"Loathe and love are sometimes so similar," Russell murmured between coughs, and everyone narrowed their eyebrows trying to find meaning in the fist comprehensible words he had let out in a while.
"George, he's burning hot! Do something!" Judy yelled, and Rachel realized the tears wouldn't stop coming out from her eyes. Rachel had never seem Judy lose control of herself. It was scary to watch. It was even scarier to find out Judy indeed had feelings.
"I'm doing all I can, mother! I don't know what's happening to him, I've never seen anything quite like this!" George cried back, and Rachel wondered to what extent his emotions were stopping him from doing what it took to let his father go in peace. The blood kept spilling, and Rachel had no idea what they would do once that bowl was filled.
"Father?" Quinn asked timidly, walking just a few steps closer. Like magic, Russell's half-lid eyes shot open, and he took the last strength he had to reach out and grab her hand. "Everything will be okay, father," she said with a nervous smile.
"Frannie? Is that you?" he asked, and Rachel watched as Quinn lost control of her legs and tumbled down onto the bed. She watched as Russell broke Quinn's heart just one last time. "Oh, my dear, how you've grown! You look beautiful, Frannie! Oh, how I've missed you!"
"Don't listen to him, Quinn, he's not in his on mind," George said, and Rachel smiled sadly at how beautiful it was that even in a situation like the one they found themselves, George still tried to reassure Quinn - when in reality, everyone just knew the truth. Quinn was never the daughter her parents wanted. But Quinn nodded with a smile that quivered, even though only Rachel saw it.
Suddenly, Rachel felt the air in the room stalling. George laid his head on Russell's chest, but he didn't have to. All of them knew it had happened.
"His heart stopped," George murmured.
"No! Russell, come back right now!" Judy yelled, smacking his face, as if any of it would bring him back to life.
George pressed his clasped hands against Russell's chest and Rachel shuddered when she heard the noise of his bones cracking with all the strength he used to press Russell's chest down. There was no coming back. Rachel didn't even dare to breath and Judy fell in sobs hanging onto Russell's shirt and clinging onto him as if if she didn't hold tight enough she would end up going too.
George grabbed Quinn's hand, while the other one was still grasped with their father's. The siblings exchanged a look filled with pain, and it hurt Rachel only from watching. None of them shed a tear. But Rachel did.
A/N: This is the last update of this year! I'm taking a break for the holidays, but I'll be back mid-January. I hope all of you have fantastic holidays! Don't forget to drop a review on your way out!