Rose Hill, 1780
It was the last cropover party Quinn would ever host as the owner of that farm. Although the crop hadn't been significant that year and all the money had come from another source, she wanted to make the last party memorable. It was her way of saying goodbye. It was her way of trying to forget all her problems.
She made sure Abbie prepared a banquet like they hadn't seen in many years. She decorated the whole backyard with roses imported from England - she had given up on growing them in the farm. She filled the party with music and a huge bonfire to keep everyone warm. It had everything a good party needed. Still, it felt like the worst party ever thrown.
The slaves would never refuse the food, but none of them were happy and dancing like Quinn had expected them to be. As if things weren't bad enough, Lady Angeline had arrived the day before and sat with Judy judging Quinn's failure. The two women had never been fond of each other, but they were both thrilled watching how nervous Quinn was. And Quinn was so nervous. Her head ached like it was about to explode and her whole body felt sore after the whole week of planning the party - but none of it it hurt as much as it did to realize it was all in vain.
George always tried to save the day. He was always the one she could count on. Arabella looked like she could barely stand up with a belly that big, but George took her hand and she smiled as they started dancing, hoping the slaves would join them. A few of them smiled towards George, the kind of smile Quinn never got from them, but no one stood up. Quinn could already see slaves getting up to leave after having eaten everything they wanted, and for a second she felt like she would faint.
"Wanna dance with me?" Rachel whispered in her ear, coming from behind and making Quinn jump up in startle. Her heart raced, which only made her head ache more.
"You scared me!" she whined, but her heart stopped when she saw Rachel holding out her hand for Quinn to grab. "Rach, you know I can't. There's too many people looking. My mother and aunt are right there!" she whispered, looking around to see if anyone was paying attention to them.
"Come on," Rachel nudged her with her shoulder. "George has danced with slaves before, at other cropovers. No one minds, it's a party!" she tried - but Quinn couldn't. She wanted to, more than anything. To just take Rachel in her arms and dance the night away and stop worrying so much, but she couldn't. She wished she could be the one to give Rachel a moment of happiness after the tough weeks they had been through after finding out about Oliver. But she couldn't. Not yet. They were moving away soon, she only had to keep her reputation for a few more weeks and they would be fine. She couldn't put it all at risk so close. "Alright, alright," Rachel said, rolling her eyes playfully. Quinn loved that she didn't have to say a thing - Rachel could see it all in her eyes.
"Please," Quinn whispered, grabbing her by the shoulder to stop her from walking away. "Help me," she said. Rachel frowned. "This is the last party, it can't be this bad. Why aren't they having fun? I got everything they used to like!"
Rachel took matters to her own hand. She couldn't stand watching Quinn so anxious, so she tried her best to make the party come to life. She invited all the slaves she knew to dance with her, and although some of them did, it felt like they were only doing so because they were afraid of what could happen to them if they didn't obey Rachel. As if Rachel wasn't a slave, just like them. No one talked to her like they used to before. It was almost as if they knew.
If that party was only a few months before, Rachel was sure someone would have told her what was wrong. Why so many slaves had scowls on their faces even as food kept coming their way nonstop. It didn't matter how hard she tried to cheer them up, the party felt more like a funeral. Perhaps it had something to do with how it was the first cropover party without Russell there, but even though Rachel asked around to find out what was going on, no one told her.
It felt ironic that even though she had been through one of the worst weeks of her life, trying to find out what was it that Oliver really had, she was still one of the few cheerful people at the party. She had been working hard on trying to not bring herself down. Oliver was inside, sleeping safe and sound for now. She wouldn't let herself worry before something really happened. Instead, she danced and danced, trying to spread some joy around the party - but it didn't work at all.
The party was over much earlier than it was supposed to, because everyone simply left. Rachel watched as Judy and Lady Angeline walked back inside the house, not even trying to hide their smirks. George and Arabella waved a goodbye and Rachel waved back. Quinn was still sitting in a wooden bench with the saddest look on her face. Rachel sat by her side and grabbed her hand, now that no one was watching them anymore.
"It isn't your fault," Rachel said softly. "You planned everything right. I don't know what's wrong with them, but it isn't your fault. They are the ones who missed out on a great party. Everything was amazing, Quinn."
"Yeah," Quinn whispered with a sigh, looking down to her hands. Rachel didn't know what it was, but it felt like there was something more. Something hidden. Something that Quinn didn't tell her and that the slaves didn't have the courage to tell either.
"Hey?" Rachel called out, getting Quinn to look at her. "Are you alright?" she asked, although she could see in Quinn's face that she wasn't. She was just hoping Quinn would open up and say something, but deep down, she knew Quinn wouldn't. She never opened up so easily.
"Yeah," Quinn nodded and waved her hand dismissively. "I just got a little bit of a headache, but I'll be fine," she said. Rachel's heart felt tight.
"You know that I love you, right?" she said, and watched Quinn's face twisting as if it hurt to hear those words. Or maybe she was just being paranoid.
"Yeah," Quinn answered with a nod and a small smile. "I love you too," she whispered, and Rachel bit her lip. Something was definitely wrong. "I'm gonna head inside and go over some papers before going to bed, alright?"
"Okay," Rachel replied, taking a look around. "I'm just gonna help Abbie take the trays to the kitchen house and I'll be inside in a minute," she said. Quinn nodded and stood up. Rachel stood up too, but she felt like the weight of a house was hanging on her back.
"What should I even do with all this food? They didn't even eat half of it," Abbie said, stopping in front of the table with her hands on her waist. "I can't simply throw it away, but it will be spoiled if it isn't eaten soon," she said. Rachel sat down and grabbed a turkey leg in her hand, taking a huge bite of it. She had been so nervous trying to make the party better that she hadn't even had the time to eat before.
"I have never seen slaves acting so indifferent towards food," Rachel said shaking her head. "What is going on, Abbie?" she asked. Abbie turned around and started washing dishes, but Rachel could see she was just avoiding to look in her eyes.
"What do you mean?" Abbie asked, dunking the forks in a bucket full of water.
"Why do I feel like something is happening and I'm being left out?" Rachel asked, putting down the turkey leg and wrapping an apron around her waist to help Abbie. "Clearly there's something wrong going on, but none of the slaves would talk to me about it tonight," she said.
"Well, I don't think they trust you anymore, Rachel," Abbie said with a small shrug and a smile of gratitude for Rachel helping her. "They know how much time you spend with Quinn and they know you are treated differently than the other slaves, especially after Ollie was born. They're jealous and they don't feel like you're the same as them anymore," she explained. Rachel nodded pressing her lips together.
"Do you feel that way?" Rachel asked directly.
"No, but it's different," Abbie said with a nervous chuckle. "You're like family to me," she said. "I mean, you're lucky that you got Quinn to like you enough to give you so many privileges, but you didn't change at all because of that. I mean, look at you right now," Abbie said, bumping her hip with Rachel's as they did the dishes together. "And I know that if we needed anything you would do anything to help us."
"So you still trust me?" Rachel asked again. Abbie frowned.
"Yeah, I still trust you," she replied. "What is all of this about?" Abbie asked.
"I need to know what's going on," Rachel said.
She still wasn't sure if something was really going on or if it was just something her mind made up to explain why the party had been so awful - but she had a bad feeling that wouldn't stop growing and she knew it didn't have anything to do with Oliver. Although no one talked about it, she was sure everyone was already aware that he was different. Still, everyone was infatuated by him. It was something else. Something only she didn't know of.
"I don't know if I can tell you, Rachel," Abbie answered with a sympathetic pout. "It isn't my place to do so and I could get in trouble for that. To be honest, at first I thought you knew," she said, and Rachel's frown only deepened having her fears becoming real. "But when I thought better, I knew you wouldn't let it happen if you did know."
"Abbie, you have to tell me!" Rachel begged, grabbing Abbie's hand and making her drop the spoon she had been washing. Abbie's words had terrified her. Whatever was happening was probably even worst than her imagination could ever figure, and she damned herself for being so caught up in her own problems that she hadn't realized sooner that something wasn't right. "Please, Abbie. I need to know what's going on," she said.
"If you really wanna know, you should ask Quinn, Rach," Abbie said with a deep sigh, leaning against the counter and wiping her hands on her apron. "But I wouldn't, if I were you. Sometimes is better to stay blind than to see the truth. Quinn is good for you," she said.
But there was no way Rachel could simply let go. It wasn't like her. She had to find out what was happening.
"Rachel?" George asked when Rachel crossed the drawing room with firm steps walking towards Quinn's office. Rachel felt fire boiling up in her blood. George must have felt it, because he left Arabella in the drawing room to follow Rachel. She didn't complain, she could use George's support.
She didn't even knock on the door.
"What are you doing, Quinn?" Rachel asked, slamming the door opened. Quinn shivered in surprise and gave her a nervous chuckle.
"I'm going over some papers," she said, shoving some of them back in the drawer. It made Rachel even more angry, that she would so obviously hide things from her. "What is going on?" Quinn asked with a small frown, looking at George over Rachel's shoulder. George shrugged in confusion.
"Don't hide it from me, Quinn," Rachel said, marching her way to the desk and slamming both her hands on it. "You've done that enough. Tell me right now! I deserve to know!" Rachel yelled.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Quinn said, swallowing hard. Rachel could see so clearly that she was bluntly lying. It made Rachel want to give up on her altogether. If she had done something so terrible that she would rather lie to Rachel's face than to tell, perhaps Rachel was wrong. Perhaps Quinn had never changed at all.
"Rachel, calm down," George said in a whisper, putting one hand on Rachel's shoulder. Rachel's instinct was to yank it away, but George didn't deserve it. He hadn't been the one lying to her. She could see right in his face that he didn't know what was happening either.
"Are you really gonna let him stand up for you like this?" Rachel asked. Quinn didn't move an inch. In fact, Rachel wasn't even sure she had been breathing since the moment they entered the room. George's face finally fell into a scowl, as if he had finally realized Rachel wasn't crazy and that Quinn had been hiding something. "Let me see those papers you just shut in the drawer," Rachel demanded. Quinn shook her head just slightly. Rachel wanted to scream. She wanted to get out of there and never come back. But she could never. She could scream at Quinn all she wanted, but she was still trapped by her side.
"What is going on, Quinn?" George asked suspiciously, pulling the chair across the desk and sitting down. It was a good idea. Rachel should do the same, to prevent her legs from crumbling her down onto the floor. But she couldn't. She was too angry to simply sit down.
"I can explain," Quinn said, trying to act calm, but Rachel could see right through her. Rachel took a deep breath. After being lied to, she felt like she shouldn't even give Quinn the opportunity to do so - but then she forced herself to remember everything they went through together and everything Quinn had ever done to her and most of all, how she loved Quinn. She loved Quinn and she knew that the anger she felt then wasn't anything near the pain she knew she would feel once the adrenaline in her veins lowered. If she didn't have an explanation to hang on to, she would be devastated.
"Alright, we're waiting. Go on," said George.
Quinn reached out for the bottom drawer and grabbed all the papers with financial information of the farm. It went from the year of its foundation right to the year they were in. She explained everything in details. How the plantation system worked. How the sugar cane crops worked. Rachel thought Quinn was just buying herself time and it only made her more nervous - but George convinced her to sit down and she did so. Quinn explained how the sugar cane would exhaust the soil and make it useless so that nothing else would ever grow. She showed the finances from the last few years and Rachel's mouth ran dry. They had been borderline bankrupted.
"Lewis came to try to help, but there wasn't much we could do. It would cost too much to nourish the soil again and to start an irrigation system, and as you can see, we didn't have any money," Quinn explained, pushing the piece of paper forward. Her hand shook as she did so and Rachel knew it was only the beginning. "He showed me that we had only two options. The first one would be to sell all the slaves, sell the farm - sell everything we owned, and start it all over again. To buy a few acres of land and a couple of slaves and build it all again from the start. I couldn't do that. It was too risky. I didn't know how much time it would take for the new farm to start bringing us money and I wasn't on my own anymore," she said, motioning with her head. Rachel understood what she meant. Oliver. He hadn't been born yet, but Quinn already worried about him. It was almost enough to make Rachel's heart soften up again.
"What was the other option?" Rachel asked in a whisper, looking down to her hands. She couldn't watch as Quinn spoke.
"In Saint Domingue the sugar cane production it's at its peak, because the french invested thousands of money on an irrigation system that saved their plantations. They are producing so much that they didn't have enough slaves to manage it," Quinn said. Her voice had become just a whisper and Rachel shut her eyes before hearing what she would say next. "The ships that come from Africa stop here first, because it's closer. It's usually their first stop after a lot of days crossing the ocean."
"You got into slave trading," George whispered and Rachel felt her vision going black.
"It's not as bad as it sounds, I swear!" Quinn cried out as she leaned forward on the table. Rachel leaned back on the chair. Anything to keep a distance between them. "They would be sold there anyway. When they get here, they're starving. I buy them and I feed them and then I sell them to the farmers at Saint Domingue," she said. Rachel didn't say anything. Neither did George. It only made Quinn more anxious.
Rachel's stomach twisted. Part of her was flattered that Quinn would go the distance just to assure she and Oliver would have everything. The other, greater part of her, told herself that Quinn wasn't making any sacrifices. She didn't lose anything by doing what she did. She had no idea what it was like to be a slave, but she knew how awful it was to do what she did, or else she wouldn't have hidden it from her and George.
"You are gross," Rachel growled under her breath, before standing up. "Do you know what happened to those people you are selling as slaves? They aren't slaves Quinn," Rachel yelled. "They are simply captured in Africa, just because they're black, and they're brought here and sold as slaves. They're stolen away from their families and from their lives just because you decided they should!" she shouted, anger pouring from every inch of her skin. She had heard those stories way too many times. It had happened to her grandmother. If it weren't for slave traders, Rachel would never have been born a slave.
"Rachel, you don't understand!" Quinn shouted back, standing up and walking towards her. Rachel kept walking back. She didn't want to be close to Quinn. She couldn't. "It was either that or sell our own slaves! Don't you get it? I would have to sell Abbigail, and Dorea, and Lou Lee, and Bernie - and nothing guarantees that they would be sold to the same person! They could be separated and never see each other again," Quinn yelled, but Rachel kept shaking her head. She didn't want to think about it. It couldn't be that those were the only two options. "Rachel, I could end up having to sell you!" Quinn said, breaking into a sob.
"What is going on over here?" Lady Angeline shouted, slamming the door opened probably after hearing all the yelling coming from inside. Judy followed close behind with eyes widened in curiosity. George stood still, perhaps still in shock. Rachel looked around and knew there was no way they could keep the conversation going with that audience. In fact, she wasn't sure she could keep the conversation going regardless of the audience. There was too much going on inside her head and she had much thinking to do. She walked towards the door and Lady Angeline took a step to the side to let her pass.
"Rachel," Quinn shouted, but it didn't stop her. Rachel walked out of the office and Lady Angeline followed close behind. "George, don't let her go after her! Please!" Quinn said and in a second George was out of the door too.
Rachel hated it. She hated that even when she despised Quinn with all her forces, Quinn still thought of her safety first. She ran faster than Lady Angeline and George could and got into Quinn's bedroom, locking the door behind her. When she knew she was alone, she let herself fall into the ground and cry. And she would cry until her mind was crystal clear. Until she knew what she should think. Until she knew what she should do.
Quinn knocked softly on the door a couple hours later. She hoped Rachel would have calmed down enough so that they could talk, but Rachel opened the door and turned around without ever meeting Quinn's eyes. Rachel walked into the dressing room and Quinn followed her, without saying a word.
Rachel undressed Quinn without letting her fingers touch her skin, and it hurt. Quinn almost told her that she didn't have to do so, because she would rather do it herself than have Rachel doing it like that - but then she remembered she would never be able to untie all the laces on the back of her dress on her own. Rachel helped her slip into her nightgown and at the very same second already started to take off the pins out of Quinn's hair. Quinn crossed her arms in front of her body, somehow trying to cover it.
Rachel had seen her naked many, many times, but still she never had felt more vulnerable, even though she was wearing clothes. Rachel didn't take her time to look at Quinn's body like she usually did and ironically, that made Quinn too much self conscious. It felt wrong to have Rachel do those tasks so mechanically. It pained her that Rachel didn't drop any kisses on her shoulder in the process. But her whole body was in pain, anyway.
She was past thinking it was due to all the work to organize the party. Her head had never ached so deeply and she felt like her whole body was about to dismantle from so much soreness. She would probably come up with a cold - perhaps the worst cold she ever had. Rachel pulled the covers for her to lay down. Quinn didn't want to be covered - her body felt too hot - but she didn't have the courage to tell Rachel.
"Is there anything else you need?" Rachel asked, as she poured a glass of water and set it on Quinn's nightstand. Quinn frowned.
"Where are you going?" she asked in a whisper, clutching to the covers. She felt so defenseless. She knew it was her fault that Rachel was treating her like that, but still, she didn't feel like she deserved it. And it hurt her that Rachel wouldn't understand her reasons. Everything hurt. She had to close her eyes.
"I'm gonna sleep in the nursery with Oliver," Rachel said coldly, already turning around to leave.
"Please, don't go," Quinn said in a murmur, fluttering her eyes open and finally finding Rachel's. Rachel looked away instantly and Quinn felt her eyes watering. "Stay," she said again. "I'm not feeling well."
"Is that an order?" Rachel asked with a sigh. Quinn's heart broke and she was almost sure she had heard the shattering. She tried to find her words, but they wouldn't come out, so she just shook her head and closed her eyes again. A tear slipped out. She hoped Rachel hadn't seen it. Her whole body shivered. "Then I'll see you tomorrow," Rachel murmured.
The last thing Quinn heard was the door being closed.