Some Jobs, or NLA Noir

A/N: Don't you love a good police procedural? Lila's in trouble and she swears it wasn't her fault. Which might even be true.

Just barely pre-game, spoilers to Ch. 5. Very strong language (I tried censoring it, it sounded gosh darn silly), violence, extreme skell geekery (even before Alexa shows up), and closing fluff.

Everything wonderful belongs to the geniuses of MONOLITH SOFT. Which excludes Lila the OC, her station and crew, and Aeolian Industries. Lara Mara completely took over the dialogue at times, and I was glad to let him.

Some jobs you just can't get to liking.

Anything involving the Mediators set Vandham on edge. Not the BLADES themselves, he actually liked them more than a lot of other groups. Made sense. What with Mediators needing to find solutions to people problems, they tended to understand you, get along with you, be honest with you. Some BLADES called them soft, since they weren't on the front lines where the action was, busy taking down multi-toothed dilus or those crazy stacks of honk-hoo birds. He disagreed. He found Mediators usually to be beyond notions of bravery or cowardice, focused so strongly on helping their fellow humans that at times they had no consideration for their own status or safety.

The problem was that he hated the notion that humans were working against the main purpose of New Los Angeles: the very survival of the human race. Not just hated, could barely comprehend. Left him spitless with rage, and he couldn't even work up a proper rage because he just could not believe it. Screwing up, cockiness, stupidity, he could see all that getting in the way of a job, and he was very happy to dress down any BLADEs he found lacking. And by dressing down, that meant leaving them smarting a bit and not just metaphorically. But doing something you knew would make it harder for humanity to survive? That simply did not compute.

Plus, his sarcastic personality suited these jobs about as well as babies worked as battering rams. Such a very bad idea, it should make anyone shudder.

This time, it was worse. Which was why he made sure he was there. Something was wrong and he wasn't going to look away.

"I hate to mess up your dates with your little coffee buddy," said Lara Mara, interrupting his angry thoughts. If a 100 kilo, heavily armored BLADE could chirp, Lara Mara had done just that.

"What dates?" growled Vandham.

"The ones where you bill and coo with Lila, so totally adorable. Even if she is a scrawny little thing. Me, I prefer more meat on my men. Much more meat." Lara Mara shot an exaggerated vamping look at the commander.

Vandham shook his head. God dammit, the man was trying to distract him and it had worked. Probably trying to keep him from starting the whole thing by going directly to ballistic. He had to appreciate that. "They're not dates, they're invoice reviews, and this whole mess has good and blown them," he said, slightly more calmly.

"Mmm hmmm. Love the image."

The pair strode into Auxillary Skell Refueling Station 1, increasing the testosterone in the area by about 3000%. Lila's station was busy, cables snaking around the ground, tools buzzing, the male team members singing various lyrics of a particularly crude version of "What a Pathfinder Can Do [To Himself]." He swore Gino and Ricky must work hard to sound that stupid. Lila herself noticed them at once.

"Mara, Commander. What brings the pair of you to my humble establishment? Going to start patrolling in skells?" Her voice dripped with suspicion.

Clearly, the niceties were already over. "Hi ya, Lila. We've got a problem and we're going to need to shut the station down." Lara Mara wasn't wasting time either.

"Okay," Lila replied, slowly. "Why send a Mediator to tell me? I'm guessing this isn't anything to do with a redevelopment project, maybe?"

"Sorry, darling, but no. There've been complaints about fuel theft. Lots of them. Skells not being fully ready to go out on missions."

"Teams have been stranded. With casualties," growled Vandham. He was starting to get angry again.

Lila's face turned hard, her chin pushed out. "Right. That's just wrong, and we don't have anything to do with it."

"They fueled up here," shot back Vandham.

"We didn't do anything wrong," she snapped, emphasizing every word.

Lara Mara stepped in, reluctantly. Good drama was so rare, but alas the job took precedence. "So be a good girl and shut it down."

"Today?"

"Now."

Lila hissed a breath in, then out. She whipped around and stepped quickly over to the oldest member of her team, a wiry man of about 30. "Gino, what's the status of the third bay?"

"Just about to start it, but I need to get the right mix of hydraulics, fucking light frame skells, they never…"

"Well, don't bother. Close it back up, make sure the bolts are on tight, put a note in the seat and leave it. Is the first one done?"

Gino's face was angry, and worried. He could sound dumb, but he wasn't anything close to it. "Lemme see. Ricky Bobby!"

The larger tech, built like a stevedore, wandered over to the other two. He would have been intimidating, except he radiated a sort of softness. Like a gigantic freckled bunny. "Sure, um, okay, what's up, guys?"

Gino was speaking calmly, but Vandham could see it was taking some effort. "So, Ricky my man, have you finished refueling Bay One?"

"Um, yeah, no, I don't think so. I didn't hear that little bell go off, so no, not yet."

Gino was rubbing the bridge of his nose, eyes scrunched. "How many times do I got to tell you, that bell don't mean shit. It just means we got to switch the rates."

Lila sighed. "Anyway, it means the thing isn't even halfway, so we're going to have leave a note on that one too. Ricky Bobby, can you go shut off the linkage? Then go pull the connections. If you have a question, come and ask, okay?"

"Okay. But the bell hasn't rung, so I don't think we should."

"Let's just try it this way. Just for today."

The tech trotted back towards the first skell. Lila yelled, "Shut down the linkage first!" Ricky Bobby swerved sharply towards the back of the station.

"Number two is almost done, 10 minutes maybe," Gino said quietly.

"We'll shut it down last. I'll keep an eye on Ricky. Go."

"I could get the third job done in 20 minutes."

"No. The station's shut down. We're accused of stealing fuel."

"What the hell?"

"We're just going to prevent explosions and then it's closed.'

"How long?"

"Don't know. I could ask Lara Mara here," Lila waved at the pair of men behind her. Oh, so she hadn't forgotten their presence, thought Vandham. Gino sent them a hate-filled glance, then shot towards the skell at the farthest end.

"So glad it isn't Wednesday," said Lila, eyes on Ricky Bobby as he methodically detached cables from the first skell, sarcasm thick on her tongue. "That's usually our crunch day."

"Not an accident, sweetie. We didn't want to crimp anyone else's style," Lara Mara replied. "Oh, and I'll be needing your comm device."

"What?!"

"It's your business device, right?"

Lila turned to him and shoved the comm towards him. "Take the stupid thing. Now explain to me how I'm going to get anything done."

"You're shut down, Lila. I hate to say it, but we don't WANT you to get anything done."

Lila looked away, and for the first time she looked a little scared. Her voice had just a tiny tremble to it. "Any idea when we can reopen?"

"It'll depend on the findings. But, Lila, I don't think it's going to happen soon."

The station was shut before 15 minutes had passed. Lara Mara had agreed to bring over a Mediator to explain to customers a version of what had happened. More likely, they'd be there to keep anyone from tampering with evidence. As various tools and equipment powered down, the area had become strangely silent. Finally, it was just the three station workers looking at Lara and Vandham.

"Thank you for your cooperation, kids. It really will make things better in the end."

"This is complete bullshit!" exploded Gino. His whole body was trembling with rage, fists bunched.

"Um, Gino, buddy, don't worry, we can fix it," muttered Ricky Bobby. Gino looked like he was going to round on the bigger man.

"Shh, shh, guys, it'll be okay," said Lila. "We're good, we're clean, the Mediators aren't stupid, much, we'll be back in business by Monday at the latest. Salaries are covered until next month, that's a lock."

"I don't give a fuck about salaries!"

"Um, I need to pay for my car, Gino…"

"Shut up about your damn car!" And with that, Gino slugged Ricky.

Lara Mara had his arms around Ricky Bobby, holding the man not so much back as upright, the poor guy being totally unprepared for a surprisingly massive hit. No meat on Gino, but a hell of a lot of speed. Vandham went for the angry tech, hell of relieved to be doing something that felt right, only to be shoved aside mid-swing by Lila. Again, no meat, but acceleration makes something small have a lot of force.

"Stand down!" shouted Lila. And, surprisingly, Gino did. He was shaking, his eyes were wild, but he stopped. They stared at each other, breathing almost in rhythm, until Lila raised her hands, very slightly, palms out. "Gino, I can't explain it, I'm just going to say I'm sorry."

"You know this is bullshit," snarled Gino.

"Oh, I agree with you there. I WILL fix this."

"You better." Gino shot out of the station, headed for the commercial section.

"Should we follow him?" asked Vandham.

"Not to worry, we've got it covered," said Lara.

"Leave him alone!" said Lila, concern and worry finally noticeable.

"Alone, but covered. We aren't stupid. Much."

"I don't see anything to prove that."

"Guys, guys, I don't know what I should do now. And my head sort of hurts." Ricky Bobby looked miserable, and possibly concussed.

"There, there," cooed the mediator. Vandham wondered if the man was making another play, but realized it was nothing but honest concern. Lara Mara wasn't so much patting the tech's hands as taking a quick pulse, not so much gazing into his eyes as checking pupil reactions. "We better get you checked out. Then you should take some time off. A few days to recover."

"Gino's gonna be so mad."

Lila interrupted. "Gino gets over it, you know he does. Let's all take a vacation until Monday. Perfect idea. Thanks, Mara, take care of him. Please." She pushed a forced but cheerful note into her voice. "See you Monday, R-man."

Lara Mara hustled Ricky Bobby away, leaving just her and Vandham standing in the quiet station.

"Well, this is bad," said Lila, after a moment.

"Are you going to explain?"

"I've got zero to explain, sir. We fuel them up and send them off. As close to perfect as we can manage."

"Sounds like the gentle giant is a few numbers short of bingo."

"Ricky's okay, he just has problems with short term memory."

"He was ready to send a skell out half fueled. The bell, remember?"

Lila shook her head dismissively. "That never happens. The bell just marks when we have to change the strength of the mixture. Everything stops refueling automatically until you reset it. You start with the light version, then switch to heavy. That way it practically self-mixes. Light frame, medium frame, heavy, level 30 or baby skell, Sakuraba, Grenada, Aeolian, practically every skell needs a different mix."

As she was reciting the process, her body relaxed and her eyes grew calm. Vandham wasn't sure she even cared if he was listening. "Even the weight of armor can affect it, on some of the custom jobs. The hangar stars have it all premixed, but we gotta do it ourselves. We just don't have the room for all the different types. On the plus side: we can tweak it even more exactly for those extreme custom jobs." There was no mistaking her pride in the station's work. "Same holds for missions. If you're heading for Sylvalum, you just might want to skew towards a lighter mixture, because those mists react weird to the heavier stuff. Opposite for Oblivia, especially for the sandy flats, unless you're in a baby skell, then never mind. Nothing helps you in those little critters. Still haven't figured a way around some of Cauldros' little problems, from what little I've heard that's some weird territory…" She was lost in thought, hands smack against her chin and mouth by now, considering the possible solutions, oblivious to Vandham's stare.

"And you've got nothing to do with it, right?" Vandham said, with remarkably little sarcasm.

Lila looked at him, suddenly back in the uncomfortable present. "I told you already. We don't. Of course, you really should not believe me, last thing you should do."

"Somebody's putting BLADEs at risk."

"Not. Us. But again, why should you believe me?"

"How'd you get those two losers for staff?"

Lila didn't seem to notice the sudden shift in topic. Instead, she leapt instantly to their defense. "They are not losers! Gino was an engineer on the White Whale, original Bug House crew, as you well know. I never heard you complaining about him."

"Then you weren't listening. He's an insubordinate s.o.b. Had to bust him a couple of times. Now it seems like he's completely lost it."

"You busted him more than a couple of times. He missed Lin's feast on account of it once, and boy was he mad. He probably hit Ricky to avoid taking a swing at you."

"So he's not suicidal then."

Lila grinned, then shook her head. "His mim's buggy, same as Ricky's, same as mine." She sighed.

"Wasn't a problem on the ship."

"Artificial gravity is one thing, sir, all simple and safe. Planetary is another. Standing is agony, sometimes. The moons are involved somehow but I can't quite keep it straight."

"Wasn't a problem on Earth either."

"I'm not so sure. There was a high motivation to keep things hidden. And the man has a pain threshold to die for. Literally, almost. Ask him about the day we missed the static electricity build up. That was when we were just setting up, but spectacular. Trust me, the station has safeguards you would not believe now. Anyway, back home, we only had the one moon." Her voice broke, and she swallowed hard.

"And Ricky Bobby?" Vandham could barely say the silly name, that must have been why he suddenly sounded so gruff.

"Short term memory, like I said. Another weird mim synch. On the ship, he worked something routine in the galley, food synthesis maybe. That's the trick. If he knows something from before, he'll do it fine. But everything's new on Mira, isn't it? He was flailing bad, and Eleonora called in a favor."

Vandham winced. He knew all about Eleonora and favors.

"Gino helped figure it out. Build a routine, he learns it without remembering it, and if he isn't messed with, it just sort of flows. Gino's the best, always keeping him singing or laughing, so he doesn't start trying to remember stuff he already knows. Lucky thing Gino was pre-med at some point in his past, which is how he cracked the problem."

Vahdham was staring hard at her now. She looked back at him. The silence grew uncomfortable.

"Any more questions, sir?"

"Not to be insulting, but I'm thinking 70-30, you're not involved."

"No bets, sir. Especially seeing as I know the truth. Wouldn't be fair."

"So what now?"

"Are you my surveillance, sir?"

"Just curious. Humor me."

She huffed a short sigh. "I live there, you know," she said, waving at the dented shipping container that had been converted into the station office. "Mostly. So I guess I need a new place, because I think my assigned housemates turned my room into a recording studio. And a new job, so I can afford a new place, unless I want to work in said recording studio. If they'd hire me. And a new comm device, so I can get a new job, if I need a new job." She sighed again. "I guess my first stop is the Mediators."

"I'd have thought you'd want to keep the hell away from them."

"They solve problems, sir, which is the one thing I've still got. At the very least, maybe they can lend me a comm device."

xcxcxcxcswitchxcxcxcxc

Alexa came hurtling out of nowhere, grabbing Lila and shaking her. Vandham had forgotten that the Outfitter's section was that close to the Mediators, not that Alexa spent much time there anyway.

"Lila! Tell me it's not so!"

"It's … not … so …" managed a rattling Lila.

Alexa gave her a glomping squeeze. Back on the Whale project, on Earth, Alexa had been Lila's supervisor, of sorts, but Vandham didn't think Alexa had ever demonstrated any formality towards Lila. "I knew it! What on earth have you done?" The contradiction made perfect sense, somehow.

Lila didn't speak until Alexa released her. Possibly for lack of breath. "I have no idea. I know we sent them out full. They left the station with gauges in the green, as green as grass. Gremlins, maybe?"

"Green grass gremlins, groovy!" The two women shared a smile.

"But, honestly, Lila, this is bad," Alexa resumed. "Your station is super useful, even if only idiots use it. Who lets someone else touch their skell?"

"Sometimes pilots just need to manage some dinner between missions," suggested Vandham.

"I suppose. No, no, sorry, I'm not buying it. Anyway, Lila's not the only one with problems. Carmela's in the soup too."

"Grenada Galactic Group? I thought that company was expanding."

"Expanding negatively. Something's gone wrong, very wrong with the beam weapons they released this week. Underpowered and expensive. They seem to be sucking fuel like toddlers on a juice box bender."

"Not enough fuel. Please tell me that it is NOT a coincidence," Lila said.

"Wow, I don't know, but I was on my way to check in with her. Why don't you both come along?"

"Er, I need to hit the Mediator's camp…"

Vandham nixed that. "Nope, you're in for the ride."

The three of them strode towards the manufacturers' building. Alexa was busy, filling them in about the disaster that had just hit the up-and-coming Spanish company. "They've sunk all their hopes into this new line. They really bet everything on it. Usually, you'd expect them to keep it diverse, keep their options open, see what was useful. But Senora Celena decided that the resources were too limited. Their best choice was to go deep on light, fast weaponry."

"Trying to nail the hot head market," suggested Lila.

"Well, even I have to admit, Sakuraba can be a bunch of fuddy duddies. With big frames." Alexa couldn't help but drool a little. The others knew to just let her have her moment. "Of course, I made sure I had a chance to test some, and it was looking good. Great, actually. Wicked short cooldown, and so what if you can't target that well? Most of the things I was trying to hit were bigger than a barn, and with way more slashy teeth."

"Barns have teeth?" Lila asked with a smile.

"You know what I mean. Put enough of those babies on and even your tiniest skell is going to do a fair chunk of damage."

"That would be a nice improvement. Those little things are mostly for show."

Vandham didn't feel like defending the smallest skell users. Pathfinders managed to get pretty far into new territory with them. And then they usually needed to be rescued. Definitely not in the mood to defend that. He let the women continue undisturbed.

"I know, right? Some of them are just darling. But once GGG started large scale manufacturing, the trouble revealed itself. Sure, the beam weapons work fine in tests, but in practice they were draining skell fuel at ridiculous rates. Even in overdrive, which shouldn't happen."

"That's impossible," said a shocked Lila.

"And yet they've managed to do it. I'm almost impressed by that, if only I could figure out a way to make that actually helpful…"

"Maybe for fuel containment maintenance."

"Boring."

"It needs to be done sometimes."

"Fine, fine, I want to make something helpful and fun. Like a super big closing blast, dump it all in one go? Drain the lot to leave a nasty surprise if a skell is going to end up scrap in a fight? Anyway, Carmela is looking pretty drained herself. They've tried everything they can figure, no luck. The other manufacturers are talking about booting her from the group, asking Chausson to pull BLADE support."

"Kind of drastic, if it's only been a week."

"We don't have a lot of spare time," rumbled Vandham, and then instantly wished he had kept his mouth shut. Fortunately, neither woman payed much notice.

"Resources are what's scarcest right now," corrected Alexa. "Until we get more probes out and resources coming in, we may have to shut down new development. I think Grenada is really running on the line here. Not everyone was convinced it was a good direction for research to begin with. Aeolian, for example, they've been pushing their own line of light guns. I'll admit, I haven't been impressed by them yet, but if they manage to crack the enemy tech that would be awesome."

"Where are they getting their research data?" asked Lila.

"Left over info from Earth, or so they say. They're running independent operators in weird locations, maybe they're getting stuff from the attack above Mira. It's a little controversial, unless and until they get some good results. But Granada's mistakes are starting to make them look good. And of course, old Sakuraba looks like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth."

"What does that saying mean, anyway?"

"Well, I'm not sure myself, but he definitely looks smug. Hey, there he is," said Alexa, pointing at a distinguished older gentleman, not particularly tall.

"He looks tired," said Lila.

That he did. Next to him, arguing furiously, was Carmela Celena. As the two BLADEs and spare tech approached, she turned on them and directed her anger towards them.

"Tell him. Tell him! We cannot lose hope and give in at the least trouble. There is sabotage going on, I'm sure of it. If you even think about suggesting to Chausson that we stop, we will lose this city. Lose this fight! Tell him this! You call yourself Commander," she rounded on Vandham, "but you are cowardly. It is my people that are going out and risking everything while you push papers and…"

"Now wait a second there," started Vandham.

"Your people wouldn't get a meter past the gate without BLADE support," shot back Lila. "Hi, Mr. Sakuraba," she added. "Ms. Celena, you're right, something is going wrong, in more ways than you know, but don't blame Commander Vandham for it."

"Miss Brown," murmered the head of Sakuraba Industries.

Alexa started filling the industrialists in with a highly colorful version of the disaster at the refueling station.

"How do you know him?" Vandham couldn't help but whisper.

"I met him on the Whale. He needed help with something," she whispered back.

"What, exactly?"

Lila looked guilty in a way she'd hadn't done when the station was being shut down. "It had to do with a weapons test."

"Brown, do not dream of lying to me …"

"Okay, okay, sorry, sir, I let them use the switching station to power a series of tests." She squirmed. "During scheduled down time for maintenance."

Vandham looked appalled at how the great ship had been abused.

"I did the maintenance, do not think for a moment I ever let it slide, sir! Never! I just got it done during lunch breaks."

"On your lunch breaks?!"

"Actually, that's when I usually did maintenance. The main down time, I saved that for upgrades, full system recalibrations and so on. Seemed a shame not to use the breaks for something useful."

"Like lunch."

"Sir, the canteen used to creep me out. I avoided it. Anyway, they needed more power to run certain tests, and they weren't getting permission, so I let them tap in directly."

"Presumably somebody thought the power was needed elsewhere, say, for life support."

"I took it from the traffic grid. Completely useless. We didn't even have a single stop light. Still barely have any. After a few trials, they got official permission, so they didn't need my help."

"Too bad it was the end of your paycheck."

Lila waved a hand sharply. "I did it as a favor and because it seemed like a good idea. What does it matter now, anyway?" But Vandham's eyes stayed hard.

That's when he noticed that Sakuraba was staring at the two of them. "What?!" he barked.

"Miss Brown is correct. We never paid her, except in thanks. What did we have to pay with? We were all struggling. Without those tests, we would never have been ready in time to help BLADE on Mira. It was just as we feared on the ship – our safety was of limited duration."

Celena was tapping her toe angrily. "Our safety is still questionable, when we are being attacked from the inside. There must be a connection. Fuel does not simply disappear. Somebody must be doing this, to destroy my company."

"Why destroy a refueling station?" countered Sakuraba.

"How am I supposed to know the mind of a criminal? Perhaps you could shed some light on it."

Vandham wished there was a Mediator to make peace between the warring company chiefs. They continued to snipe at each other, no matter how nicely he rumbled at them. Lila was sulking and no help, and Alexa was too excited and angry to stay on any useful, calming topic. It got even worse with the arrival of Mr. Martin Laufer, the suave head of Aeolian Tech, the third major manufacturer. He brought with him an entourage consisting of a well-armed body guard and an assistant in tech coveralls who could best be described as part mim, part weasel.

"Ladies, gentlemen, I did not realize that our meeting was to be so, ah, public," he chided.

"If this is an official meeting, I wouldn't whine about present company," said Vandham, pointedly. He was getting more than a little tired of this whole mess. He should have ditched Lila the minute that Lara had left. "You want to make nice with us."

All three industrialists had the sense to look uncomfortable. Maybe that would make them simmer down too.

No such luck. Within one round of comments, they were back at each other's throats, public thoroughfare or no. Celena and Sakuraba seemed especially to dislike each other. Still, Vandham wondered why every time Laufer said anything, even the tiniest of statements, the whole thing got more heated. Just one of those people with a gift for unpleasantness? Or was he trying to make them hate each other? Because that was exactly what was happening.

It was winding up to a final decision. "Much as I respect your work in the past, I'm afraid that Grenada is not suited to conditions on Mira. I just can't see the government of New Los Angeles supporting you out of sheer novelty," said Laufer. Nope, decided Vandham, he's trying to be as nasty as possible.

"I wouldn't quite be so harsh, but I agree that, currently, we simply cannot afford to waste resources," said Sakuraba. "Maybe once the colony is better established, we can reassess the situation."

Celena had drawn a deep breath, lifted her chin and was about to launch into what looked to all intents like a massive and fiery response. Even Lila was unashamedly awaiting whatever she might say.

"So glad to find you all here. Alexa, darling, what a nice bonus!" Lara Mara preempted the unspoken tirade, alas never to be heard in this NLA (it would become legendary in another multiverse).

"Cheeseballs, Mara, it was just getting good."

"Well, I hate to disappoint even a lady. How about this? Martin Laufer, I'm arresting you for vehicular tampering, mission sabotage, and attempted intellectual property theft."

Laufer did not look shocked. He flicked a gaze at his goon, who reached out two massive hands and grabbed the nearest hostages. Lila and Alexa dangled like dolls, his hands around their necks.

"Stop me, and he'll snap their necks." Laufer started walking quickly towards the East Gate. The goon and weasel followed him.

Vandham watched, alert for an opportunity. One that he was not denied. He saw the two women exchange a hard glance, Alexa mouthing an exaggerated word, "knees", even as they choked and grabbed uselessly at the bodyguard's hands. He could count to three with them, blink blink BLINK, then they both drove their boots hard into the man's knees, staggering him. The goon dropped them both, and they ducked to the floor, rolling out of the way. Vandham's fist was already in motion, his whole body backing it up. Acceleration gives small things force. It makes big things something else again. The bodyguard dropped like he'd been hit by one of those much derided baby skells.

Mara was beside them the next instant, helping the two hostages up, and in the process again doing the speediest of reflex and injury checks, first on the women, then on the motionless goon. "Well, he's not dead, that's a relief. That would be something I do not want to BEGIN to explain."

A few other Mediators were corralling Laufer and friend. Sakuraba and Celena were bunched together, practically holding hands in shock, inching away from the chaos.

"What the hell took you so long?" barked Vandham.

"Surveillance footage still takes time to review," Mara replied calmly, "and the fuel diversion technique wasn't easy to isolate and pull out. Proof, dear, we like proof."

"You knew?! How awesome is that?" said Alexa with glee.

"We didn't know, not which one. Even Celena wasn't completely clear. We had to find out which one of those three was behind it."

"Celena? Really?" Alexa's bright eyes grew absolutely round with amazement.

"Stranger things have happened, darling. Where'd you learn that adorable trick with the knees?"

Alexa shrugged. "Somebody tried to steal some skells once, back on Earth. Lila and I had some trouble stopping it. After that, we came up with a plan."

"Why exactly did you need to shut my station down?" interrupted Lila.

"You weren't in the clear, although I'll assure you that now you are. There really were complaints about refueling. It seems that your, um, unorthodox methods triggered the fuel dumping subroutines that Laufer and crew had installed in a number of skells."

"Skells were just dumping fuel? And my methods are just fine."

"Fine, but very different from the standard BLADE hangar. And, yes, fuel was simply released during any activity that called for it. Or no activity at all, for your select customers."

Lila looked horrified. "The environmental damage! I don't even know how to begin to think about it."

Alexa was more skeptical. "No one noticed fuel pouring out of skells? That's hard to believe."

"It wasn't as crude as that. It seems to also require environmental triggers. Ocean locations, or inclement weather. No one can really pay much attention to small details during a sandstorm." He turned to Lila. "We shut you down to check, and also on the off chance that the skells under your care would give us information. We'd guessed, rightly, that Laufer had rigged the subroutine so that it removed itself whenever a skell was tested in the official BLADE hangar. Everything was clean in there, no chance of noticing something funny. Your station was an easier place to look for the problem."

"If it hadn't worked…?"

"We'd have kept looking, in the field if necessary. Just what I dream about at night, running skell debugging programs right below Roof Rock."

"Shh, shh, you're missing the good bits!" Alexa drew their attention to Commander Vandham. If Celena's tirade had been lost for the annals of NLA, the Commander was doing his best to provide a substitute. He glowered down at the two Aeolian members still standing, expressing his official disappointment.

"This is all nonsense. You'll be sorry for this…" started Laufer.

"Sorry? SORRY? Let me tell you…" roared Vandham, proceeding to list the man's failings in education, family background, and unlikely hygiene habits. It was a delight to hear.

Alexa, Mara, and Lila watched it all with growing pleasure. Alexa felt that the sanctity of skells had been debased and this was part of erasing that horror. Mara was pleased to have cleared the mission in less than 24 hours. Certainly worth some kind of bragging rights back at the Mediator hangout, some imaginary points in the never ending playful rivalry between the twins.

Lila mostly felt relief as the realization hit her that she was well and in the clear. The station would be back in business. Life would go back to normal. Then she gave an involuntarily sigh when Vandham crossed his massive arms before launching into a fuller version of exactly which lower bodily function made up the majority of the criminals' characters. Lara Mara shot her a quick, calculating glance.

He asked her, slyly, "So, when are you putting that darling man out of his misery?"

Lila looked blankly at him. "I have no idea what you're getting at, Mara."

"That's just it. Certain folk are not getting much of anything, which is nobody's fault but your own. It wears on a man, don't I know it, but there's only so much we Mediators can do to relieve tension. Mind you, I am always willing to help where I can."

"Mara, you're the best. Almost as helpful as Doug!" chirped Alexa.

"Mmm, now that man has some tension I would truly like to relieve."

"Doug is tense? Wow, I haven't noticed. What do you think is wrong? Do you think I can help?"

"Do you have a pencil? Because I have a number of ideas."

All through this, Lila could only stare, open mouthed, before responding with slightly hysterical laughter. It rolled though her body. In a moment, she was holding her stomach, laughing full on now, tears dropping from her cheeks to the ground. Mara looked extremely pleased, especially when the Commander broke off his harangue to ask what was so damn funny.

Alexa called out, somewhat confused, "We were talking about tension, then she just went off like this."

Lila peeked up at them, Alexa so oblivious, Mara so not, Vandham just so everything, and then slowly she crumpled to the ground, laughing so hard she couldn't breathe, forehead on the deck.

"Release of tension. Common delayed reaction to shock. It's been quite a day. I wouldn't worry about it, dear," Mara explained as the concerned Vandham came over to check on her. Lila laughed harder.

"Maybe I should get her home, get her to relax." He crouched down by her, a calming hand on her shuddering back. This did nothing to stop the riot of mirth tearing through her.

"Excellent idea. We'll make a Mediator out of you yet," said Lara Mara proudly.

"Or maybe a cup of tea?"

"Oooh, sure, you could do that, but I have a few other suggestions…"

"I know! I know! Give her a ride. In a skell, I mean. That always clears my head," interrupted Alexa.

"That would take some gymnastics," considered Mara, almost inaudibly. Not completely inaudibly, because the laughter increased a fraction.

"Get her into a nice bubble bath?" suggested Alexa. Vandham had stiffened slightly, but no one noticed. All eyes were on the helpless, howling Lila.

"No… oh please … mercy… no," wheezed Lila, trying and failing to stop laughing. "Just … please …."

Vandham and Alexa continued staring with astonishment, which just kept her laughing more every time she peeked up. "No, time to stop, must stop before any of them says another helpful word and I die," she thought. She closed her eyes, counted backwards, held her breath. It took reciting fuel tables to shift her mind to a saner place. That and the growing worry on his face, that really wasn't fair.

"Okay, okay, whooo!" she gasped, and with a quick tug from Vandham, she was standing back on her feet, swiping the tears from her cheeks. "I'm good now, I'm okay." She must have been, because she didn't start laughing even after Lara Mara gave her an exaggerated wink. Just scrubbed her eyes a little harder. Alexa was busy thumping her on her back, while Commander Vandham kept staring at her, hand resting lightly on her elbow. Then he gave a quick, decisive nod.

"Lunch. I'm buying. That's an order."

"Have fun, kids. I've got just reams of paperwork to complete on this crew. Come on, you naughty things. Toodles!" They watched Lara Mara lead the soon-to-be disgraced CEO of a soon-to-be disbanded armaments firm and his nervous technician away. The henchman was still out cold, watched over by another Mediator.

"Bet you they rat each other out before they get round the corner."

"No bets, sir, no bets." Her eyes were full of silver sparkles. "About lunch?"

"Like I said, it's an order. You can't say no."

"Wouldn't dream of it, sir. Anyway, I'm on vacation at the moment, might as well enjoy it."

"Until Monday."

"Until 0600 tomorrow. Skells need refueling, and I need to find out where my crew wandered off to. And I probably should figure out how to deactivate the Aeolian bugs, or at least flag them. But I could do with some pizza now." She paused, looking shocked. "Argh! Lara still has my comm device!"

"I'll get someone to trot it over to you. Shall we?" He extended his elbow in exaggerated mannerliness.

"Why thank you, good sir."

"I'll join you. I could murder some pizza," said Alexa, cheerfully.

It is a measure of his dedication to the job that Vandham only hesitated a millisecond before offering his other elbow to a fellow BLADE in need of food. And off they went in search of some nice takeout.

a/n: Some day, I will rewrite this in true Raymond Chandler style. Or maybe I should write something with Tatsu and Lin in that style. And L! And Yelv! Oh dear, this may become a thing...

Please excuse the AU nature of my skell fuel technology. I'm not sure how wrong I am, but I know it doesn't match canon. (Fuel is not liquid, that's for sure.) Pretend it works, okay? Better yet, if you have suggestions for a fix, or details on how far from right this is, please send them in, yes!

The original song title was "What a Prone Can Do (to himself)" but I realized that was out of the time line, post Ch. 2 at least. So I had to give my division some love. I'm pretty sure they were singing the Prone version in Homework/2, and quickly changed to something cleaner when Lin arrived at the station. Alexa's time as Lila's boss is also described in Bromance/5/How Can Skells Be Boring.

Next up: Alexa throws a girls-only party. Trash and FLUFF! Bonus: the origin of my Alexa/Doug BrOTP.