Hello again! I think I should name this chapter... "Please Don't Hate Me Part 1" because then the next chapter would be "Please Don't Hate Me Part 2" and that's very fitting for both of these chapters... As I promised... three weeks ago, this chapter and the next one will be very painful and sad, and I don't know if I'll be able to fix it with the last chapter, but that was the original idea so I'm gonna stick to it.

I'm so so so sorry for your tears :'(

Warning: major character death!

(Agatha's own diary documents what happened over the months after Christmas.)

CHAPTER 19
It Will Catch up with You

March 8, 2017

Merlin, the man I have saved and the man who saved me in so many ways, my best friend... is dead.

.

.

.

Three months earlier

January 7, 2017

It's after Christmas and it's still snow out there. Right now it's about 11pm and Merlin and Arthur already went to sleep. I'm sleeping in Arthur's room, as usual. It was very cold outside today, but we decided to go for a walk along the lake anyway.

It was fun.

Merlin showed us some spells that he liked. He made the snow pink. And then when Arthur fell over and landed in the snow, Merlin used the opportunity to throw a snowball at him. We had a snowball fight, but soon it was over and Merlin was tired so we went back home.

His hair is getting a bit longer, and the wrinkles are longer. His skin is not smooth anymore, and his voice sounds slightly deeper. But when I don't think about it, I don't even notice it. I noticed that his hands tremble from time to time though.

We had dinner and watched tv. Merlin fell asleep on Arthur's shoulder, but before I put a blanket over him, Arthur stopped me and took Merlin to his room instead.

xoXÖXox

It was Thursday and that meant that Merlin and Arthur had not much to do because Agatha wasn't with them in Glastonbury. They read Merlin's diaries again because Arthur asked him to, and Merlin just couldn't say no to that face, no matter how painful some of his memories were. And to be honest, even though he now remembered most of the things from his diaries and they weren't reading them just to restore his memory, he quite enjoyed their time together in his old room.

Sure, the bed could be more comfortable... or bigger, but that's how it used to be in Camelot and they both needed to forget about the modern world, even if just for a moment. The situation out there... it was chaos. Most of the cities were facing problems with increased criminality thanks to some of the thieves having magic. It didn't happen in every city, and of course not a lot of people had magic, but it caused a lot of new problems that the society didn't have to even think about before, outside of fantasy books.

But Merlin knew that the world didn't need them. Not now. Humankind could deal with it on their own – they've already established those camps for people to try to control their magic. Merlin thought about going there and helping them, but it would mean too much explaining – how come you're the only one who knew so much about magic? Why are you getting old so fast? Why didn't you come here sooner? Is it your fault that magic started existing again? - and Merlin just didn't have the strength for that. Not anymore. But maybe he'd try to contact someone in charge and give them his books of magic? Surely that would help a bit.

As Merlin was thinking about all of this, he found himself in the bathroom, locking the door. He looked at himself in the mirror and sighed.

Old blue eyes hidden behind glasses, wrinkles on his cheeks, white eyebrows and fringe above them, grey scruff... he was a mess. An old mess. And no matter how many times he tried, it wouldn't go away and he knew that he'd die. There was simply no help for him.

He removed his t-shirt and threw it into the corner of the room, hesitating before he folded it with his magic.

He glanced at the door and then looked into the mirror again. He knew he should have come to terms with his death sooner, but even though he's been alive for so long, he just couldn't. Not now, when Arthur was finally here with him, making every day of his life better.

He sighed and closed his eyes. "Edniwe min geoguo!" He whispered and slowly opened his eyes, holding his breath and bracing himself for the same result as always – his face was still old, his eyes still wide and not even a single wrinkle had disappeared.

It was the end.

His magic didn't help him before and it wouldn't help him now. He was simply lost. An ugly old man, fearing death even after a thousand years of surviving.

And then there was s gentle knock on the door. Merlin's breath hitched as he grabbed the sink with his both hands, still shirtless and closing his eyes.

"Merlin?" Arthur said, letting his forehead rest against the door. "Are you okay?"

Merlin sighed and his shoulders slumped a bit, before he opened his eyes and smiled, barely. Arthur always knew when he needed him. "No, I'm not." He admitted as his smile disappeared and he waved his hand to unlock the door with his magic.

Arthur slowly walked in and locked the door again, looking at Merlin's sad face in front of the mirror and taking it all in. He sighed and smiled slightly, going over to Merlin and putting his hand on Merlin's shoulder.

"I'm always here if you need me," he told him, their eyes meeting in the mirror. The ghost of a smile reappeared on Merlin's face and he nodded, putting his own palm over Arthur's hand on his shoulder and squeezing.

They were silent for a few seconds, just smiling at each other in the mirror, before Arthur turned Merlin around and put his hands on his neck. "It's late, come on." He gestured to the shower stall, or the chamber of the magical warm rain as he used to call it, and waited until Merlin nodded.

They removed their clothes silently, Arthur helping Merlin when he couldn't bend over, and then the old warlock waited until Arthur set the water to pleasantly warm and not too cold or too hot. Then they closed themselves inside, like so many times before. This time it wasn't all about kissing and getting their hands all over each other though, this time it was just... calm.

They worked together like they were used to do every time they took a shower at the same time. Merlin took the shower gel while Arthur prepared the sponge (a red one – it reminded Merlin of Arthur when he bought it), and then Arthur squeezed the sponge a few times to make it all bubbly and foamy.

Merlin was looking down at the water hitting the white floor of the stall, waiting until Arthur used the sponge himself or decided to wash him - Merlin. When Arthur didn't do either, Merlin looked up and found out Arthur was already looking at him with a worried expression.

The warlock sighed and nodded, knowing that Arthur knew there was something bothering him. Something he admitted but hasn't really mentioned yet. He looked at Arthur's broad chest and shoulders – still young, still beautiful, full of life, even after such a long time - and sighed again.

"I'm ugly and old." He mumbled, closing his eyes to spare himself the look on Arthur's face.

"Shut up." Arthur replied, coming closer to him and taking his wrist into his hand, using the sponge to wash his arm and shoulder. Merlin looked up at him and Arthur was staring into his eyes. "You're beautiful." He smiled down at him. Then he licked his lips and stilled the movement with the sponge. "And I love you."

Their eyes locked and Merlin couldn't seem to look away. After a moment he smiled, putting his other hand on Arthur's naked waist and blinking the tears in his eyes away.

They've never said this to each other before. They usually used insults and both of them knew what it meant, but they've never said it out loud.

Merlin breathed out. "I love you, too." He replied, suddenly forgetting all of his problems and worries. He's loved Arthur for more than a thousand years, he said so even in the diaries, but this was the moment they finally admitted to each other just how far their affection went. How deep in their hearts they kept each other.

Arthur gave him a beautiful smile and leaned closer to kiss him, their lips moving in sync, and the water sliding down their bodies being the only reminder of the real world as they listened to their beating hearts.

When they parted and finally opened their eyes, Arthur returned to his task to wash the back of his warlock, while Merlin kept smiling and waiting until it was his turn to get the sponge and return his boyfriend the favour.

xoXÖXox

January 29, 2017

It's Sunday. This morning, while Merlin was watching tv in the living room, Arthur told me that Merlin had a nightmare again. He stopped having them after he got his memories back, at least that's what Arthur told me. I'm really worried about him. About both of them.

Sara called me and I really wanted to tell her the truth about my friends, about Merlin and Arthur, but I hesitated and didn't tell her anything in the end. I don't know if they would be comfortable with anyone else knowing. My sister doesn't even know them. But she will. Once we find a cure.

I tried contacting Morgan. Arthur said she was a high priestess of magic or something like that, and that she knew a lot about spells and rituals. I tried calling her old number, but it doesn't exist anymore. Sending texts is pointless, and I have no clue where she might be. I tried to search for some of the camps in case they have a list of participants online, but turns out they don't. Of course, Morgan would be very careful about that. Besides, Merlin and Arthur said she might be looking for someone, her sister, another witch.

This is so complicated. And so hard. My hands are shaking just when I'm thinking about everything.

Merlin's hair is longer, he grew a nice white beard, but insisted on shaving it off, and he's got wrinkles everywhere. He looks as if he was about 60 years old now, and we can all tell it's getting worse. We don't have much time left. And what's worse – we don't know what to do.

xoXÖXox

"Who am I painting again?" Merlin asked Arthur, who was standing behind him with his chin resting on Merlin's shoulder. The soft smile left the former king's lips as he was watching Merlin's shaky hand leading the brush across the canvas.

"One of our old friends." Arthur answered. It was a few days ago when Arthur and Merlin were watching tv and Merlin looked around the living room, noticing his paintings of the knights and of Gwen, and asked Arthur who they were. Merlin couldn't even properly remember painting them, not all of them, and he didn't want to believe he was that good at it, so Arthur decided to refresh his memory a little bit.

But this was the fourth time he was telling him who he was painting.

"Can you recall his name?" Arthur tried. Merlin shrugged slightly, making Arthur's head on his shoulder move up and down, and then he straightened his glasses (that Arthur with Agatha bought him) and shook his head.

"Not really." He said.

"His name was Lancelot. One of the knights of Camelot, one of the best men I'd ever known." Arthur smiled sadly and closed his eyes for a moment, putting his hand on Merlin's waist.

Then he pulled away and observed Merlin as he was hesitantly painting the man they both knew. His hands were shaky and he was frowning.

"Don't think too much about it, his face will come to you." Arthur reassured him, turning around and looking at the original painting of Lancelot on the wall, folding his arms on his chest.

"I'm not very sure about that." Merlin sighed as he continued working on Lancelot's fair skin. After Arthur didn't say anything, Merlin pursed his lips and stopped, leaving his hand with the brush just a few inches above Lancelot's face. "I'm sorry I keep forgetting him. And everything else."

Arthur turned back to Merlin and unfolded his arms, taking Merlin's free hand into his.

"It's not your fault." Arthur told him gently, swallowing to keep the tears at bay. "Besides, we can still-"

"What, fix this?" Merlin finished for him and let his hand with the brush fall down, squeezing Arthur's hand and looking down. "I don't think so, Arthur. I forgot a lot of spells, but something tells me that if I hadn't found anything to help me then, I won't find anything now either."

"Hope dies last." Arthur replied. "Now, paint. Don't let Lancelot wait for you." The king put his hand on Merlin's shoulder and the warlock raised his white-haired head, nodding slightly to himself.

"Lancelot, who was a..."

"A knight. And our friend." Arthur clarified again.

"Right."

Merlin reached for the palette to add more colour and continued painting Lancelot du Lac. And Arthur kept standing there, watching him, and wishing Agatha managed to come up with some way to save his soulmate over the week in Bristol.

Because if she didn't... his last hope would leave him as well.

xoXÖXox

February 14, 2017

Ugh, today was crazy. It's Valentine's Day and I called Merlin and Arthur and we talked for at least half an hour. Merlin's voice sounds... older, which is understandable, but hopefully changeable as well. Merlin said he wasn't comfortable with going into the town because everyone would be staring at them and their date would be ruined. So they decided to walk alongside the lake and then have dinner and a movie night.

I, on the other hand almost forgot it was Valentine's Day and remembered only when one of my coworkers – Carl Rogers – gave me a little cute chocolate box with his phone number hidden inside.

I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to get over my one and only not-even-a relationship, but then I had second thoughts. I can't concentrate on anything other than research for Merlin and I spend every weekend in Glastonbury and I don't have time for a boyfriend. Carl is cute, but he'll have to wait for me... if he's still interested after we help Merlin.

In the evening, Arthur called me again and this time it was not good news. According to what he said, Merlin didn't recognise any of the paintings they've put into the living room. He recalled working on some of them, but apparently he had no clue who those people were, even though they used to be his closest friends, his family.

That got me worried. First the glasses, now Merlin was losing memory again, just like he had after the accident. I should probably keep a record of everything he's forgotten again.

Appearance: White, longer hair, beard that he keeps shaving off, wrinkles, looks like a 70 year old.

Forgotten things: His old friends from Camelot (his own paintings).

He remembers Arthur though. Of course he remembers him. I'm not so sure about Morgan and... I hope he remembers me. I have to get to Glastonbury right after work this Friday.

Research: no new results

xoXÖXox

It was another Saturday, another weekend with Ag with them in their house. It was their house now, and it's been for a while. Merlin wasn't sure how many more days or weeks he would stay alive, but he wanted to be optimistic and give himself another month. He's been aging since before Christmas after all and it was just after Valentine's Day.

They were sitting in his bed – he and Arthur – reading his diaries again. Merlin couldn't remember the people and events, but he could still recall a few things. Most of it was unfamiliar to him though.

Arthur's arm was comfortably lying across his shoulders and under his white hair (which grew a bit longer so he was almost looking like Dragoon the Great, but he wanted to cut his hair and make it shorter again, and hopefully Arthur would help him with that). Arthur was rubbing small circles with his thumb on Merlin's arm, and Merlin cleared his throat, adjusting his glasses with his free hand.

"Dear Arthur, people have made you into a story. You're just a story now, but you'll always be more in my heart, don't worry. I'm probably the only one now who knows the truth and knows that you will really come back again. That it's not just a story people tell each other to spend a lazy afternoon.

"But I've told you all of that before. Today, I went into the library in the town of Glastonbury and though a lot of people were looking at me strangely, they didn't say anything when I was sitting at the table, reading books about you. They really think you're just a story, Arthur. And they turned me into an old man with beard and everything-" at this Merlin chuckled slightly and sighed. "-and they think Gwen was born a lady. But to be fair, she was much better person than most of the princesses out there. Remember princess Vivian?" Merlin frowned and looked at Arthur. "Who was princess Vivian?"

Before Arthur could answer, the door opened and Ag walked inside with a tray full of food – mostly just fruit, and orange juice. She smiled at them and put the tray on Merlin's desk, then she took his chair and put it closer to the bed and before Arthur could reach to help her, she took the tray again and put it on the chair, sitting on the bed herself and putting a piece of an apple into her mouth.

"How much did you read while I was downstairs?" She asked them once she swallowed.

"Just a few paragraphs." Arthur answered. "See those books over there?" He smiled and pointed at Merlin's shelves full of the books about Arthur.

"Yeah, I went though most of them when I was searching for Merlin's birth certificate." When Arthur looked puzzled, she added, "that's basically a piece of paper that documents your birth and there are all sorts of information about you, including your name. We thought Merlin's name was Marvin."

Arthur laughed at that. "Really? That's pretty close though."

"It is very close, actually." Merlin rolled his eyes.

"So what's with the books?" Ag asked Arthur, who nodded and smirked.

"Merlin probably stole most of them from the local library."

At that, Merlin punched Arthur into his shoulder slightly and looked at Ag who was grinning at him to explain. "We don't know that yet, so far we know I was reading in a library."

"And then he probably stole them." Arthur added quietly.

"We don't know that." Merlin repeated.

"Continue reading then." Ag smiled at him. "And we'll know for sure."

Merlin took a deep breath and looked into the book, searching for the last sentence he read out loud. He couldn't find it though and started reading again only when Arthur pointed at the particular paragraph they were reading before Ag joined them.

"Right. So." Merlin cleared his throat. "But to be fair, she was much better person than most of the princesses out there. Remember princess Vivian?" At this Merlin paused and looked at Arthur again. "Oh, but who was princess Vivian?"

Arthur nodded, and started explaining. "She was the daughter of the king in one of the five kingdoms, a kingdom not far from Camelot. She arrived for a visit once, when my father, king Uther, wanted to talk about peace between all five kingdoms. She..." Arthur's cheeks turned a bit read and Merlin raised his eyebrow. He couldn't remember any of that and he really wanted to know what Arthur wanted to say about her. "She was very mean and self-centered, well mostly, but... I'm not sure what happened, but she fell in love with me and I fell in love with her and it was a crazy few days. Her father challenged me to a combat for his daughter and I was blinded by my love to her, even though I actually fancied Guinevere. But during my fight with her father, the king, all my feelings for her disappeared after... after... well, they just disappeared."

"Sounds like some kind of a love spell to me." Agatha commented, taking a piece of banana that she'd cut to little pieces on a plate.

"It was," Merlin smiled. "I don't remember all of it, but I remember I spent all night reading my book of magic, going through all kinds of love spells and curses. I think I know now why I had to do that," he chuckled. "Well, if it wasn't me who started the spell... anyway, how did those feelings disappear though?" He asked then. "I'm sure it wasn't that easy, I think there was something with that Guinevere-"

"Yes, she kissed me in a tent." Arthur sighed, ignoring giggles from Agatha. "Now, please, continue reading." He pointed at the book in Merlin's lap and after smirking up at his boyfriend, Merlin nodded and started looking for the sentence he read last.

Arthur had to point at the sentence again and Merlin smiled and continued reading. "But to be fair, she was much better person than most of the princesses out there. Remember princess Vivian? I sure do, I remember I had to deliver a love letter to her, a love letter from you which you made me write all by myself. My only mistake was that I delivered the letter to Gwen instead, not realizing you were actually thinking about Vivian, and Gwen probably spent all evening waiting for you and you never showed up.

"But other books go even further, describing your relationship with Morgana or even Morgause as intimate, and making Mordred your own son. Ha, ha. There is so many things wrong in the books that I wanted to correct them right there in the library, but despite the people not paying attention to me now, I'm sure they would approach me as soon as I held a book in one hand and a pencil in another. I wanted to correct the books though, so... I stole them."

"Ha!" Arthur laughed and pointed at Merlin with his hand that was around Merlin's shoulder, holding an orange in another hand. "I knew it, you stole them!"

"Oh my god," Merlin closed his eyes in regret and his cheeks turned pink. "I can't believe I stole so many books from the library," he looked at the shelves in his room.

"Not all of them, don't worry," Agatha reassured him. "I found an old receipt in some of them."

"Well, that makes me feel so much better." Merlin joked and sighed, looking inside the diary and this time finding the right sentence where he stopped. "I need to be honest, using magic like that, trying to hide it in front of people... it felt a lot like the old times, back in Camelot's library where I used magic all the time, too. I remember I needed to sneak in there once in the night, and had to use magic to lull old Geoffrey back to sleep." Merlin looked at Arthur, knowing that his boyfriend knows he's waiting for an explanation.

"Geoffrey of Monmouth was the keeper of the royal library." Arthur told him.

"Oh, right." Merlin nodded, turning back to the book and smiling when Arthur put his arm back around his shoulders. "I had to steal one or two books from the Camelot library though because I couldn't risk anyone knowing what kind of books they were. They weren't about magic, such books were forbidden in the kingdom as you know, and although I don't remember exactly what they were about, I remember Gaius telling me I had to return them to the library as soon as I used them, and I had to do so in secret. Ah, good old days.

"These days it's so much different. With the Napoleonic wars in Europe. I don't go much into the town, but I heard Napoleon was planning to march to Russia. I wouldn't do that if I were him to be honest, the winter is cruel up there, but it's his decision.

"I miss you Arthur, you were so much better a king than all of the leaders in the current world combined. I think I'll try to paint your face again tomorrow because I need to get better at it, but for tonight? I have a few books to read and correct.

"Your very old friend, Merlin."

xoXÖXox

Arthur didn't want to wake Merlin up, he really didn't, but he also couldn't stop the sobs coming out of his mouth and although he tried to silence them with his hand, it wasn't very helpful. It was middle of the night and they were sleeping in Arthur's bed this time. Agatha was back in Bristol.

Arthur was supposed to stay strong for Merlin and take care of him and help him get better, he wasn't supposed to cry about how much worse it got. He never admitted this to Merlin, but the feeling of guilt overwhelmed him. He couldn't escape it and in the end, he probably didn't even want to.

Merlin's suffering was all his fault. He shouldn't have been in this century, it wasn't his time to come back yet. At least not according to what Merlin told him he heard in his head the night Arthur returned. Damn it, none of this would be happening if he'd just stayed alive and hadn't let Mordred stab him. If he just hadn't stood there in front of his enemy, too shocked to move and defend himself.

The silent stirring next to him snapped him back into reality and he glanced at Merlin, quickly wiping his tears away with his fingers. Merlin deserved a full night of sleep, and he definitely shouldn't wake up in the middle of the night just because of him.

But there seemed to be nothing that could help Merlin and Arthur couldn't bare the thought of losing him, which resulted in sleepless nights and silent sobs.

The warlock frowned in his sleep and sighed, turning to Arthur and moving his eyes under his eyelids. And just when Arthur thought Merlin was still asleep, his eyes slowly opened and their eyes met.

"Arthur?" Merlin murmured, frowning and blinking his sleep away.

There went the healthy sleep.

Arthur sighed and took a deep breath, trying to stop the sobs. When he trusted himself enough to speak, he turned to Merlin and smiled at him. He's lived such a long life and majority of it was without him, and now when Arthur finally came back, he took their life together away from him.

"What's wrong, talk to me. Please." Merlin slowly sat up and closed his mouth, trying not to groan in pain. His back hurt, especially after sleep. Then he looked at Arthur, his king, and took his hand in his, interlocking their fingers.

Arthur tilted his head and felt a tear roll down his already wet cheek. And then he finally spoke the truth. "I wish I hadn't come back to you... so that you would stay alive."

Every hint of a smile disappeared from Merlin's face in an instant and he squeezed Arthur's hand in his, shifting closer and not caring about his back anymore.

"Don't you ever say that again." He whispered. "Living without you was no life at all. Having you back made my life worth living again and it made me feel alive. Even though we can't grow old together, I value every second spent in your presence, by your side. Always remember that."

"But you're dying only because I haven't returned at the right time." Arthur shook his head.

Merlin gently grabbed his cheeks and pressed their foreheads together. "That is not your fault. The only reason you returned sooner is because I got hit by a car and lost my memories, so if anyone is to blame then it would be-"

"No one is to blame if I'm not to blame for this." Arthur nodded slowly, looking into Merlin's eyes. "But it all started with me and Mordred at the battlefield, so-"

"It all started even sooner, when I decided not to trust Morgana-"

"No, wait, then it must have started even sooner, when-"

"You know what?" Merlin shushed him with a finger on his lips, pulling away and looking into his blue eyes. "No one started it, no one is to blame, it's just the way it is and we have to deal with it."

Arthur was silent for a while, looking down and then finally meeting Merlin's eyes again. "But how?"

At that, Merlin smiled. "By living our lives to the fullest while we still can. We'll make pancakes and cocoa drinks, watch silly movies together, go to the forest and make as many good memories as we can."

"What's the point in that when I'll be the only one carrying those memories with me?" Arthur frowned, shaking his head slightly.

"How else do you want to spend the beginning of spring though?" Merlin smiled at him and moved his head down a bit so their lips touched. Arthur's eyes fluttered shut and he returned the gentle kiss, glad that it returned the smile to his face. Even if just for a while.

"Now shut up and let me sleep, seriously." Merlin rolled his eyes and smiled when he saw Arthur's own smile back on his face. As soon as the warlock turned his back to him to lay down again, Arthur's smile was gone and his eyes were glued to the back of Merlin's head.

He would make good memories with Merlin, but he'd also make sure he wasn't the only one keeping them. He just needed to call Agatha and hope that she found something.

Anything.

xoXÖXox

March 3, 2017

I just woke up from a nightmare. I haven't had a nightmare in a long time, but this one was awful and I don't really want to write, talk, or think about it right now. It's Friday morning, 4:26am and I have work in a few hours so I should get more sleep, but before that I need to add something here because I fell asleep yesterday and didn't write anything.

Sara called me and texted me about ten times already, always asking the same thing: have you seen Sherlock season 4 yet? I answered her each time that no, I haven't, but that I will once I have time.

It's a lie. Well, not if once I have time means once we help Merlin and everything is okay again. Besides, watching Sherlock makes me think about Morgan because we used to watch it together. We used to watch it together with my sister too, but right now I just can't watch it, I need to help Merlin and Arthur. It just can't end the way Merlin thinks it'll end. He can't die. He's the last true friend I have left.

Merlin's appearance: Arthur texted me that he cut his hair, so I guess it's short again, but still white as snow. He looks as old as my grandpa did before he... nope, I won't go there – he just looks old, okay. I noticed his hands were shaking, which they were since January. Oh, and Arthur texted me that Merlin's hearing got worse and that they had to buy new glasses. Merlin himself said that everything hurts him now. It's just so hard to look at him like that. We need to find a cure, soon. Speaking of which...

Research: I tried library this time, after everything Merlin read for us from his diary. I tried to find as much as I could in any Arthurian book, but couldn't find much because they don't mention magic in any other way than – it was an enchantment, or it was Merlin's magic, or that it was some magical potion. So I tried to find some magic related books instead because I thought they might be here after everything that was happening in the world, but most of it was fake or made up and there were no books about real magic. They just don't exist anymore and it'll take time until people write new books about magic. But I was thinking about going to one of the camps for people with magic, they might have something there. I tried last night – that's why I fell asleep in my sofa, exhausted – but I found out none of the people there know what they're doing either. They're just trying to figure it out together. And I still can't find Morgan.

Forgotten things: Merlin doesn't remember almost anything from his diaries. He's forgotten names of people from his past and how they looked like. He recognizes me and Arthur, but I'm not sure about anyone else. He might still remember Morgan though. Or he might not. I don't know.

My writing: I haven't written anything for my book since we found out about Merlin's problem and I probably won't continue at all. Maybe once we help him, but I'll have to reread everything I've written, including notes and my old prompts.

I'm getting tired again, but one thing I need to do – tomorrow at work, I'll ask my boss for another week off. I need to stay in Glastonbury with Merlin and Arthur next week, all seven days of it.

I just can't stop thinking about my nightmare becoming true. That we don't ever find a cure. And that Merlin dies, and that after the funeral... Arthur kills himself too.

xoXÖXox

It was one of the warmer days of the beginning of March. Nearly 15 degrees Celsius (*), with clear sky and the sun high above the lake. It was afternoon after all, and as Merlin was sitting in the sofa in the living room and looking out of the window, he wished he could go outside and enjoy a little stroll along the lake and through the forest.

He was in the forest two days ago, with Agatha and with Arthur, and he was very happy that Agatha was staying with them for the week. He loved having her around, especially when his days were numbered and he never knew if he was seeing her for the last time.

Of course, he knew that both Agatha and Arthur were still trying to find a way to save his life, but as he got older and more fragile, he finally, finally, made peace with his fate. And if he was being honest, not having to worry about the world sounded nice to him. The only thing he hated was to leave Arthur and Agatha behind. He would rather stay alive and look old than die and leave Arthur and Agatha to grieve alone.

But he didn't have a choice, everything has already been decided for him.

He could choose how to spend his last days of life though, so he slowly got up and because he knew he couldn't go up the stairs without Arthur's help anymore, he used magic to get the key to the locked room near the front door.

Then he went inside and gasped when he saw all the paintings of Arthur. They were very good, much better than the painting of one of their old friends that he tried to make with Arthur's help not long ago. But that was probably because his hands were shaking and he couldn't remember his face properly.

These paintings, they looked just like Arthur. And he knew they were his work, Arthur told him that himself. But Merlin was looking for something else. He looked around the room and tried opening every cupboard with his magic without having to move or bend down, and then when he finally found what he was looking for, he used magic to move it out of the room as well. Then he closed the door and carried the garden supplies together with him to the garden.

He took his coat and a scarf, but left the coat open. Arthur was together with Agatha, helping her make dinner and Merlin didn't want to spend his evening just sitting in the living room, watching telly. He needed to do something – and he loved his garden, so what else?

With a little difficulty, he walked over to the damaged flowerbed and slowly, very slowly, knelt down. He let the garden tools drop on the ground as he stopped using his magic and he touched his back, wincing a little.

It really hurt, but when he made a few moves forward and back, the pain lessened a bit. Then he finally got to work.

Merlin wasn't sure why was this particular flowerbed destroyed. It was the the beginning of March, almost the beginning of spring and although the flowers weren't in bloom, he could make them bloom with his magic. It was warm enough for them today anyway.

Silently, he started working. He dug up all the flowers and adjusted the loam to look better, and then he started putting the flowers back. When suddenly, as he was making a little hole for another flower, his trowel hit something hard, hidden under the ground.

Merlin frowned and put the trowel away, using his hands instead to move the loam and look at what made the strange sound. And then he found a little metal box. He used magic and the trowel to get it out and put it in front of him on the grass, trying to get it to open. In the end, he had to use magic for that as well.

Inside, after he carefully opened it, was a letter. Merlin unfolded it and found out it was from someone called Morgana.

And then it hit him. He remembered why the flowerbed was so destroyed – because Morgan did it. She damaged it and almost killed his flowers as they were returning from the sea. That night, he really saw her in his garden. He was wrong about the dark haired girl being only a dream, she was really there, and it was Morgan, putting a box into his garden before leaving with a promise to return and make him pay for everything.

Merlin looked down and started reading.

I don't understand how could you have stayed alive for so long, Merlin, but I know that even though you have more control over magic than me right now, you can't stay alive forever. You're what, two thousand years old? It's got to get worse some day, and I can't wait to watch you wither and then die. For all the things you've done to me in the past. For the long life that was given to you unfairly.

Mark my words, Merlin. It will catch up with you and I will be there to witness it.

Before I left, I checked what Emrys means. It means immortal, and I guess that's a fitting name because of how old you are, but you will die one day, and I will be there. I'll gladly finish you off, once I find my sister again and learn how to control my magic better. And you won't be able to find me before it's too late.

So get ready for the final battle, Emrys. Get ready and know that once we come back, both me and Morgause, you won't be that strong anymore. You won't be enough for the two of us, and after all this time, I'll finally get my revenge.

Until we meet again, Emrys. I'll be counting the days before I can see you again and kill you with my own hands.

Morgana Pendragon.

Merlin narrowed his eyes as he was reading the letter and he completely failed to notice that it had started raining, the clouds seemingly coming from nowhere. The faded paper soaked with water and slowly disintegrated in his hands, small holes creating where his shaking fingers held it.

The raindrops on his cheeks mixed with his tears as he realized one thing. Morgana was right. He was too old now, and even with all of his magic, his end was inevitable and very clear. He was going to die, and his loved ones would watch him leave this world. Morgana would be too late to see his torment, but she would try to kill Arthur for sure, and Merlin won't be there to protect him.

As he was thinking about her, some of the old memories came back to him. And he had to wonder... when did she become so bitter with hatred? When did it all go wrong? Was it when he let her steal those keys from Arthur even though he knew she was going to steal the crystal of Neahtid, having befriended Mordred and that other druid? A thief and a killer? Was it when he listened to Gaius' advice and didn't trust her with his magic? Was it when he listened to Kilgharrah and poisoned her, completely losing her as a friend and letting her be kidnapped by Morgause?

Was all of this his mistake? Was he to blame for his own fate?

A thunder roared in the distance, and Merlin took a deep breath, suddenly feeling weaker than before. A sharp pain ran through his chest, close to his heart and he gasped, letting go of the wet paper and clutching at his chest.

It is time, Emrys. Your time has come.

"Merlin!" He heard Arthur call him from the main door. "Merlin?!" As soon as Arthur saw him, a weak old man half-lying and half-sitting next to his flowerbed in his garden, he sprang into action and ran to his side, not one bit caring about the pouring rain.

"Arthur?" Merlin whispered, the pain slowly becoming dull and pulsating with every beat of his heart. He felt his king's fingers quickly grab him by his shoulders and turning his face to look him in the eyes.

"Agatha!" Arthur turned away from Merlin and called her as soon as he saw Merlin's pale face. Then he turned back to Merlin and cupped his face with his palms, brushing away the water and tears under his eyes and on his cheeks.

He smiled, slowly, carefully, and for Merlin in that moment, Arthur looked like an angel. Merlin smiled back, closing his eyes and forgetting about the pain. Arthur brought his forehead to Merlin's and closed his eyes briefly.

"Merlin, stay with me. Please, just... please stay with me." Arthur whispered with a lump in his throat.

Merlin didn't dare to open his eyes, but he nodded, squeezing Arthur's hand in his. "It's alright," he whispered. He could feel it coming and right now, right here, he made his peace with that. If only he could make sure Morgana wouldn't come for Arthur after his death...

"It's not alright, Merlin." Arthur disagreed, just when someone gasped from the door. Another pair of hands grabbed Merlin and together with Arthur, they lifted him off the ground.

"What happened?" Agatha asked, her voice worried and almost inaudible because of the heavy rain. How did such a nice day turn into a storm? How did a nice afternoon turn into this?

"I don't know, I just found him here!" Arthur shouted back. "He's soaking wet and he's cold, we need to get him inside!"

Merlin couldn't keep his balance even though both Arthur and Agatha supported him and helped him inside his house, step by step. The sharp pain came back as they stepped over the threshold and he gasped, letting go of Agatha's hand to touch his chest as he gritted his teeth.

"What's wrong?" Agatha asked.

"I don't know," Arthur answered, closing the door with his leg as they slowly moved closer to the couch. When they managed to lay Merlin down on it, his eyes were closed and his breathing was weak and slow.

"I'm... I'm sorry," Merlin whispered. He could feel everything leaving him – his strength, his magic, his last memories. His memories were quickly disappearing and as the seconds ticked by, he couldn't even remember anything beyond the pain in his chest.

"Merlin," Arthur took his hand and Merlin's eyes fluttered open. He looked up at Arthur and his lips moved up in a slight smile. He tried to raise his hand to touch Arthur's face, but he was too weak and if it wasn't for Arthur, he would never get to touch him again.

With his help, Merlin cupped his cheek and Arthur pressed his hand over his, his throat betraying him as he let out a silent sob. Agatha's cheeks were wet with tears as she watched what was happening in front of her.

"We were supposed to have more time," she cried and Merlin's eyes slowly shifted to her.

"Time wouldn't have fixed anything," he whispered and coughed, the pain throbbing and making it hard to think. "It's happening, I'm... I'm dying. I can feel it."

"Don't say that," Arthur stopped him and sniffled. "Don't you say that, we can still do something, we can still-"

"Save me?" Merlin finished for him with a little laugh full of pain. Then he shook his head as a tear rolled down his cheek. "Oh Arthur," he smiled. "Arthur, this is... something no one can stop. It's destiny. I... am far too old already."

"You will never be too old for me." Arthur told him as their eyes locked.

Agatha started sobbing, entwining her fingers with Merlin's and kissing them. "You were the best friend that I've ever had." She told him as he looked at her.

He was too weak to smile now and he nodded and closed his eyes, his chest raising and falling with every shallow breath he took. It was painful, but it would all go away soon. He wondered if dying was like falling asleep.

But then he blinked and everything was gone. He couldn't feel his magic anymore. It was no longer just at the tip of his fingers, always ready to use, a comforting sensation he'd known all his life. It flew away like a leaf in the wind, and it took his memories with it. It took his whole life, his mistakes and his new findings, everything he knew from the... diaries... books... he didn't know what he was supposed to know now.

"Please don't leave me." Arthur whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too," Merlin took a deep breath and then he blinked again, his eyes narrowing and his brows coming together. "It... this... feels familiar." He whispered.

Both Agatha and Arthur frowned. "What does?"

Merlin was silent for a moment, searching for a memory long since forgotten. "Dying." He answered at last, not really remembering why it should feel familiar, but it did. It did feel familiar and he's been through this already, some time in the past, a long time ago.

He opened his eyes and with the last shred of strength he had smiled up at Arthur and at Agatha. "Thank you." He told them. "For helping me and being my friends... for loving me... for... for... everything."

He breathed out and his eyes closed on their own. His heart stopped and his chest ceased moving up and down. The room fell into silence. Merlin's hand dropped from Arthur's, back on the couch.

"No," Arthur whispered. "No!" He closed his eyes and hid his face in Merlin's chest.

But it was too late. He was gone, in Avalon. And nothing could have saved him, not even the love he shared with Arthur and Agatha.

Nothing.

xoXÖXox

March 8, 2017

Merlin, the man I have saved and the man who saved me in so many ways, my best friend... is dead.

And there's nothing I could have done to prevent it.

TBC

Please don't hate me! I promise to try to include some Merthur flashbacks into the next chapter, a friend of mine suggested something that I really liked and I think I'll try to write it. Btw, I don't know if you noticed, but this chapter was inspired by an episode of Sherlock - 2x03 The Reichenbach Fall.

* 15 degrees Celsius = 59 degrees Fahrenheit

Edniwe min geoguo! - means "restore my youth" and was used by Merlin in 3x10 Queen of Hearts, when he made himself old to save Gwen from an execution and then tried to change himself back, but without a new potion it didn't work.

I found out I'm writing SEVEN tests this week, so I won't be able to start writing the next chapter until the weekend again :( I know it's taking me too long to write new chapters, but I hope the fact that they're quite long makes the waiting worth it. Anyway, I have a lot to study for, so until next time :)

And as always, any feedback is greatly appreciated, so don't hesitate, thanks :)