I'm back again, this time with the longest chapter I've ever written. Srsly, it's like 11.6K words wtf :D but, it's not a happy chapter, at least the end isn't. I'd call this "Please Don't Hate Me Part 2" because it's very very sad and heartbreaking. I wrote this last weekend, only in three days and I'm very proud of how this chapter turned out, but I really need to apologize for being so cruel. I'll need to make sure the next chapter is as happy as it can be to make up for this...
WARNING: I don't want to spoil the chapter for you, but this is very important and I don't want anyone to get hurt. This chapter deals with suicide thoughts and Arthur eventually commits suicide. You'll also find out that Merlin had killed himself quite a few times during the 1500 years that he had to wait. If you don't feel strong enough to read the chapter, please don't. I'll write a short summary for you at the end of the chapter so you won't miss anything important :) I divided the chapter into 7 scenes (beginning and ending with "xoXÖXox") and I'll put a special trigger warning at the beginning of each scene if it's needed. :) Thank you and please be safe *hugs*
Alright, let's go.
CHAPTER 20
I'm So Lost Without You
Someone laughed. Someone laughed and it sounded so beautiful that it almost made his heart hurt with the love he felt for that person.
It was black all around him, but all it took for the scary darkness to disappear was to open his eyes and realize where he was. The sun had set down an hour ago. The chilly air around him filled his lungs as he took a deep breath and smiled.
He could see the stars in the sky, shining down at him and sparkling just like Merin's eyes when he used magic, but faster. He could see the dark white clouds as they moved across the sky, and underneath him was grass because as he realized, he was lying on the ground near the lake.
Someone laughed again and squeezed his fingers, making him realize that their fingers were interlocked and that this was one of the happiest moments of his life.
He turned his head to the left and saw the person he loved with all his heart. Merlin. His hair was longer than usual and it was white, and for a moment he felt indescribable pain and sorrow. He frowned because he couldn't quite explain it. Why would he be sad when he was here with Merlin?
The feeling stayed with him only for a second though and then it was gone, forgotten. Arthur smiled at Merlin who smiled right back and looked up into the sky, his eyes sparkling just like the stars above them.
Arthur took a deep breath again and reached into his pocket, checking if it was still there. The little box with a ring inside. The one he bought for Merlin himself, hoping to make a promise to him as he would give it to him. But he still hasn't decided which moment was the right one.
So he let go of the box and laid his hand on his stomach, squeezing Merlin's fingers and observing the night sky.
"I love you," Merlin whispered, making Arthur turn to him with a smile on his face. Merlin's eyes were full of honesty and adoration.
"And I love you." Arthur nodded, cupping Merlin's cheek with his hand and moving closer to him, staring at his lips. Then he finally leaned in and closed his eyes, feeling Merlin's soft lips against his and feeling such happiness that he was afraid his heart might burst out of his chest.
When they parted, Arthur rested his forehead against Merlin, their noses touching, and looked down and then into his eyes, smiling again. Then they shifted closer to each other and stared up at the sky again.
"How many stars do you think there are?" Merlin asked all of a sudden.
"Billions of billions." Arthur breathed out with a gentle smile. "But I'd count them all for you if you wanted." He suggested and turned his head to Merlin, glad to see the grin on his face.
"That's just stupid," Merlin laughed. "It would take you too long and I wouldn't be willing to wait."
"You could kiss me with every hundred stars." Arthur shrugged, receiving another adorable laugh from Merlin.
"Make it every dozen." Merlin told him. "And then maybe I'd think about it."
"You know you can't stop me from trying to count them for you, right?" Arthur propped himself up on his elbow and stared at Merlin's face that was just a few inches under his nose and lips.
Their eyes locked as Merlin smirked. "I know," he nodded and without any warning moved his head up and joined their lips in a short kiss. "But I can distract you." He kissed Arthur again and put his hand on Arthur's neck, using the other hand to lift himself off the ground. "And then I know you'll forget about it."
Arthur didn't answer, he just laughed and laid his head back into the grass as Merlin straddled him and kissed him again and again.
"You're very good at distracting me," Arthur mumbled against Merlin's lips.
"I know," Merlin laughed and kissed him again. "I know."
Suddenly the scenery changed and they weren't laughing and kissing under the night sky anymore. Instead, they were sitting at a table in the living room and eating dinner together, which they had prepared together earlier.
First a trip around the lake and counting the stars, then dinner, and then movies. It was Arthur's first Valentine's Day and it was the best day he's ever had. Spent only in the company of his adorable warlock that he loved so much.
After the dinner, when Merlin used his magic to make the dirty dishes disappear and reappear in the kitchen sink, Arthur stood up from the table and took Merlin's hand, surprising him a little.
"I've been waiting all this evening for the right moment, but I realize now that all of them are perfect for this." Arthur told him and then got down on one knee.
Merlin gasped and shook his head. "Arthur? What are you-"
"Don't worry, I'm not asking you to marry me." Arthur laughed. "Although I'd love to do that too, one day." He admitted, suddenly feeling the strange sadness again.
"Arthur, you know that we can't." Merlin's eyes looked down at him, filled with the same sadness. "You know that my time is running out, and sooner or later-"
Arthur raised his finger to shush Merlin and when Merlin did, Arthur took a deep breath and was glad that the sorrow disappeared as he exhaled. Then he reached behind into his pocket and pulled out the little white box that the nice lady gave him with the ring in the shop.
Arthur held the box in front of Merlin and smiled up at him, opening it.
A little purple ring sat in the middle, with little golden marks carved into the surface. It glistened in the light coming from the chandelier in the living room and Merlin's eyes filled with tears.
"It's a promise ring." Arthur told him quietly. "I saw a movie once, with Agatha. And there was a boy who fell in love with a girl, but the girl had to move into a different city because she had been accepted to a university there. Before she moved, the boy gave her a promise ring and swore to love her even if she was gone."
"Arthur-" Merlin breathed out, but Arthur continued talking.
"With this ring," he told him. "I want to promise you to love you unconditionally, no matter how old you are or how old you look. You will never be too old for me, Merlin and I want you to know that. I'll always love you."
Merlin covered his mouth with his hand and blinked, a few tears rolling down his old face. Then he took a deep breath and smiled down at Arthur, extending his arm towards him.
The smile wouldn't leave Arthur's face even if he wanted it to as he gently took Merlin's hand and slowly put the ring on his finger. Then he looked up at him and stood up, putting the box back into his pocket and kissing Merlin's knuckles.
"Thank you," Merlin whispered as he put his arms around Arthur's neck and pulled him a tiny bit closer, looking down at his lips with his glistening eyes.
"You don't ever have to thank me, Merlin." Arthur told him and closed the distance between them, gently brushing his lips against Merlin's. Merlin had other plans though as he pulled Arthur even closer and deepened the kiss, putting as much passion into it as he could.
The kiss left them breathless when they parted and Merlin closed his eyes and licked his lips, letting his forehead rest against Arthur's. Arthur kept his eyes open as he stared at the man he loved from so close, the smile never leaving his face.
Then Merlin's lips parted once again and he opened his eyes, looking up at Arthur and moving his head a few inches away. "What movie was that?" He asked with a little giggle when he touched the ring on his finger with his other hand, his arms still resting on Arthur's shoulders.
"I can show you if you want to, Ag left it here from her last visit." Arthur suggested, smirking at Merlin. "So if you're up for a movie night..."
"With you, I always am." Merlin smiled up at him and took his hand, interlocking their fingers.
With you I always am... Arthur heard again and frowned because Merlin's mouth remained closed and he was already taking him to the couch.
With you I always am...
Arthur's head started hurting and the room around him started slowly dissolving into the air until there was nothing left. Merlin's fingers disappeared from between his, leaving his palm empty.
With you I always am... Merlin's words echoed in his mind almost soundlessly. Then the sorrow he couldn't explain returned and settled inside his heart, residing there permanently.
And then it was all gone, replaced with empty blackness.
Arthur silently cursed as the sharp sun rays from the window reached his tired puffy eyes. He didn't get much sleep. He didn't get much sleep not only last night, but over the last month. Every since that happened. He refused to talk about it or think about it, but he couldn't pretend forever.
The pain in his heart that his tired mind still couldn't figure out, was back and Arthur turned around in Merlin's bed, keeping his eyes closed and reaching with his hand for the other warm body next to him, only to find a cold empty space. He frowned and opened his eyes, realizing that the bed was indeed vacant.
And then everything came back to him, just like it did every morning.
The rain in the garden and on his face, Merlin's weak cold fingers reaching for his as they carried him back to the living room, the magic and memories that left Merlin's body as he was slipping away from him and Agatha, the familiar feeling about all of that that he confessed to have, his last words...
The pain was the worst.
And it was everywhere.
"What did you dream about?" A familiar voice asked him, coming from the book shelves on the other side of the room. Arthur had his back turned to that voice and to the window and the annoying sun.
He didn't answer until about five minutes later. "The usual." His voice was croaky and he cleared his throat, getting rid of the blanket as he sat up and let his legs hang from the side of the bed.
"Is it like you're living through it all again? As if none of this ever happened?" The voice asked him and Arthur nodded. "Do you remember every little detail in your dreams? Does everything happen exactly the way it happened on Valentine's Day?"
"Yes." Arthur closed his eyes briefly and then stood up, stretching his arms over his head and then letting his shoulders slump again, finally turning around to face the owner of the voice.
Their eyes met and locked and Arthur couldn't look away. Couldn't stop pretending it was real.
And Merlin just stood there in the corner of the room, leaning against the wall and the shelves with books, his arms folded on his chest and a little smile playing at his lips. His hair was short and dark black, all messy from the morning and he had his red neckerchief around his neck with a simple blue t-shirt and a grey hooded jacket that was zipped only to a half of his chest.
Arthur breathed out and closed his mouth, smiling back at the image of Merlin that his exhausted mind conjured for him.
"So what do you want to do today?" Merlin asked and let his arms fall down. "I mean, you could do the usual or you could finally get your phone and asnwer-"
"The usual." Arthur cut him off and pursed his lips in regret as Merlin's smile disappeared.
"Okay." Merlin shrugged after a little while. "I'll wait here for you then." He added.
"Thank you." Arthur nodded and left the room, heading to the bathroom.
He didn't even bother to lock the door, he immediately went to the washbasin and splashed his face with cold water, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes in the process. Then he looked at himself in the mirror and tried to ignore the scruff on his cheeks and chin, the dark circles under his eyes from sleep deprivation and the ringing in his head.
The pain was too much and he knew he's finally lost it. He's lost his mind, he was far gone. Because Merlin appeared only a few days after the real Merlin died, and at first Arthur was confused, but then when he couldn't touch him, he realized what it all meant. That he was crazy.
But if it meant that he could see Merlin again, he didn't care.
After he used the toilet and brushed his teeth, he made his way back to Merlin's room and entered the old Gaius' chambers. A little smile appeared on his face again.
He was waiting there for him, sitting on the table with his feet on the bench and a book in his hands. He looked up at Arthur and smiled back at him.
"All good?" Merlin asked him and put the book back on the table, removing Gaius' old glasses from his face.
Arthur hesitated before he lied. "Yes, all good."
The look Merlin gave him told him that he knew it was a lie, but that it was alright and that he understood. "Come on then," he told him and patted the spot next to him on the empty table.
And Arthur sat down next to him, picking up the book that Merlin was reading and looking at the cover. It was so familiar to him now. Merlin's diaries. He's almost read all of them. Right now he was holding diary number 9, and he was very close to the end. Only one last diary remained, diary number 10.
"Do you remember where we left off?" Merlin asked him, a ghost of his hand on Arthur's shoulder. That was a strange sensation. So light that he wasn't sure if he was feeling it at all, but he knew it was all in his head.
He nodded.
"Page 196, the second paragraph, a sentence starting with 'you don't know how much...', is that it?" Merlin asked with a smirk, as if reading it right from Arthur's mind.
"Yes, exactly there," Arthur smiled as he looked up into Merlin's blue eyes and sighed. He was so beautiful and he was looking at him as if nothing happened even though the painful truth was ever present between them.
He looked back down and started reading out loud so Merlin could hear him too. Sometimes he made funny comments, something that Arthur found comforting.
"Dear Arthur, you don't know how much I regret trying to make friends again. Julia and her brother Robert from the village of Glastonbury went investigating twenty years ago, as I told you at the beginning of this diary and they found me in the garden, working on my flowerbed. Well, after a few years of being friends with them I had to explain to them why I was still young even though they've aged so much. They didn't want to believe me and were afraid of my magic, but in the end they accepted me. I remember I told you about this a few times before."
"I did," Merlin chuckled with his mouth close to Arthur's ear. So close that Arthur had to close his eyes for a few seconds, trying to remind himself that he couldn't just turn his head and kiss Merlin now. Those times were gone.
"You did, I remember Julia and Robert." Arhtur nodded. "From how you described them, they seemed nice."
Merlin smiled at him and nodded. "Continue reading." He said. "You haven't even had breakfast yet."
"I-"
"I know, I know." Merlin rolled his eyes at him. "I won't eat until I finish this page, and that page, and that page, which eventually turned into 'until I finish that book', and... Arthur, you know you have to eat." Merlin sighed and Arthur looked away from him. His subconsciousness was definitely capable of being just as annoying as Merlin used to be.
"I know." He whispered.
"Beer isn't food and you know it." Merlin told him and raised from the table, crossing his arms on his chest again. "Arthur, you need to get yourself together and finally answer-"
"Would you just shut up and leave me alone?" Arthur exclaimed, immediately regretting it and looking up at where Merlin was standing. But Merlin was gone and the silence soon became too much for him.
So he returned to the book and started reading again, but after finding out that Julia and Robert died, he closed the book and went downstairs to get something to eat just like Merlin suggested. Arthur knew that when Merlin was telling him to eat, it was actually he himself saying he needed to fill his empty stomach with something, anything, because he hasn't eaten anything the whole previous day.
He almost forgot why he didn't eat anything until he opened the fridge and found it completely empty, save for a few beer bottles at the bottom. He sighed. Now he knew what he wanted to do yesterday and forgot – he should have gone to the town to get some food. But the diaries were too distracting and in the end he didn't sleep and didn't eat and had hallucinations of Merlin and started drinking.
He was definitely losing it. And the worst thing was that Merlin was right about one another thing. He should finally get his phone and answer Agatha's calls. He's been ignoring her ever since the... the funeral.
"I'm glad you're realizing I was right and only wanted to help you." Merlin appeared again and when Arthur glanced up at him, he was sitting on the kitchen counter, with his hands under his thighs almost sitting on them, and dressed in the same clothes.
Arthur sighed and after a few seconds reached for one of the beer bottles.
"So you're not going to apologize?" Merlin asked and for some reason Arthur knew that Merlin folded his arms on his chest again, without even having to look at him. "You know you can't only drink that, you need to get some water, come on." Merlin hopped down from the counter and walked over to the kitchen sink.
Arthur looked up at him and closed the fridge.
"I want the beer. I need it, Merlin." Arthur confessed as he walked over to him and put the beer on the counter right next to the sink.
"Then we make a deal." Merlin smiled up at him. The smile was short though.
"I'm listening." Arthur moved his hand, motioning for Merlin to say what he had in mind.
"You can have that bottle, if you drink water as well today and finally buy some real food, and by real food I mean meat, milk, eggs, vegetables and some fruits. You need those more than the beer and you know it."
Before Arthur could answer, a sound of a car outside stopped him. Arthur frowned, but didn't look away from Merlin's face that lit up with a smile.
"I told you you should have answered her." Merlin told him. And when Arthur looked out of the window and saw Agatha's car outside, he closed his eyes briefly and sighed. Which Merlin immediately picked up on and protested. "No, Arthur. You won't pretend you're not home just because you look like crap-" Arthur looked up at him at that moment and Merlin smirked, "yes, of course I know what you think that you look like."
"But what will I tell her?" Arthur shrugged.
"You know what? Let's make this another part of our deal. You can have that bottle if you go shopping and talk to Agatha. Don't worry about what you'll tell her, I'm sure she'll be the one talking. She's your friend, Arthur. You need to let her know that you're okay."
"I'm not okay," Arthur admitted.
Merlin's smile turned sad and he walked closer to him, looking up into Arthur's eyes. "Then tell her that. And she'll be there for you, you know that." Merlin smiled and when Arthur smiled back, he stepped away again and looked out of the window. "She's just got out of her car."
"Okay, I'll talk to her." Arthur sighed.
"Promise?" Merlin smiled at him and Arthur's heart melted.
"Promise."
And as soon as he said that, he already heard Agatha's voice calling him from outside of the garden. Arthur looked down at himself, realizing he hasn't changed clothes since the day before.
"You look fine, go." Merlin urged him, fondly rolling his eyes.
Arthur nodded and walked over to the door, opening it and stepping out into the garden, shielding his eyes from the sun. Merlin wasn't there with him when he looked back.
"Arthur!" Agatha smiled at him and waved her hand.
And for the first time in almost three weeks, Arthur took a few steps forward and crossed the garden, walking to the gate.
xoXÖXox
Three weeks ago
Arthur heard a thunder from the outside as the rain pounded against the window in Merlin's room. He also heard Agatha's voice calling him that they needed to go or they would be late, but Arthur didn't want to hear her and so he closed his eyes and tried really hard to make him come back.
He's been there just that morning, but then he disappeared. Arthur didn't want him to go and he desperately wanted to see him again even if it meant he'd have to hit his head really hard.
But the reality was waiting for him and time was running faster than the raindrops as they were sliding down the glass in the window. A black suit was waiting for him, hanging on the door of Merlin's closet and Arthur's been looking at it for the past half an hour, not wanting to admit to himself what it meant.
"Arthur," Agatha knocked on the door and when she got no response, she opened it and looked at Arthur who was still sitting on the bed. "Arthur," her voice was softer now.
He could see her as she moved over to him and sat down next to him on the bed, but he wasn't looking at her, he couldn't get his eyes off of the suit even if it was too painful to look at.
She put a single lock of hair behind his ear and kissed his cheek. "We need to go, Arthur. The priest won't wait only for the two of us." She reminded him and Arthur nodded, closing his eyes and finally letting his chin drop on his chest.
He took a deep breath. "I know," he whispered.
"Do you need help?" She asked him gently, but he shook his head. He didn't know what else she told him, but before he knew it the room was empty again with only him inside. No Agatha and no Merlin. Only him and the suit, a silent battle happening between them.
In the end, Arthur put the suit on and joined Agatha outside. They got into her car and barely said a word on the way to the Glastonbury graveyard.
It was still raining when they stepped outside and walked over to the hole in the ground with the coffin next to it. There was an old man in another black suit waiting for them and Agatha held Arthur's hand as they hid under her umbrella and listened to the priest's words.
Arthur felt numb. As if he couldn't move or think, just listen to those words and keep looking at the black coffin with Merlin's body inside. He must have zoned out because suddenly Agatha squeezed his hand and it was over. The coffin was being lowered into the ground and Arthur's breath hitched.
"-earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust-" he heard the priest say and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
When the priest left and Merlin was buried, Arthur noticed he was crying the whole time. Agatha took his hand and they began walking back to her car, but before she could open the door for Arthur, he stopped her.
"It's okay, I can walk on my own." He said, looking into the ground.
"You don't have an umbrella," Agatha reminded him, but Arthur was already shaking his head.
"It doesn't matter." He told her without looking up at her. But then she took his hand and put her own umbrella in it, kissing his cheek and giving him a brief but tight hug.
"Just be safe," she told him. "Promise?" She asked him, but Arthur already turned around and started walking away without promising her he'd take care of himself. Because he couldn't promise that, he knew he couldn't. And Agatha didn't stop him when he walked away with the closed umbrella in his hand, letting the rain wet his hair and clothes. She got into her car and drove back to Bristol. He knew she couldn't stay with him longer and he knew she was sorry for that, but he wanted to be alone anyway.
That was the first time he bought beer and heard Merlin's protests about it.
But it was all in his head, he knew that. All in his head.
But it didn't stop him from talking to him, reaching for him even though he knew he couldn't, listening to him, smiling at him, wishing he could kiss him and pretending Agatha wasn't waiting at his door because he wanted to be alone with him.
xoXÖXox
Back to the present – a month after Merlin's death
"Hey," Agatha smiled at him as he reached for the key in his pocket and opened the gate for her. "Long time no see," she added as she stepped through and hesitantly reached out her hands to him until he let her hug him and melted against her.
"I'm so sorry about that," he told her and took a deep breath, pulling away.
"It's okay," she brushed her hand over his forearm and smiled up at him. "Oh, I almost forgot, wait a second." She smiled and went back to her car, opening the back door and returning with a full bag of food in her hands.
That made Arthur smile. It seemed he wouldn't have to go shopping that day after all, but he still hoped Merlin would let him drink that beer if he ate something healthy too.
Agatha noticed his smile and closed the gate with her foot, smiling up at him. "I figured you might be hungry so I thought I'd cook you something."
"That's very nice of you, thanks." Arthur nodded as they started going back to the house.
"It's been crazy three weeks, let me tell you." She sighed. "I almost thought you wouldn't want to let me in." She admitted, making Arthur close his eyes briefly in regret. He shouldn't have ignored Ag for three weeks, she was only trying to help.
"I quit my job," she told him as they entered the kitchen. "And found a new one with better salary." She continued as she put the bag with food on the ground next to the fridge. Arthur was silent. "And I finally said yes and let my former colleague take me on a date, and it went pretty well, so I guess... I have a boyfriend now." She raised her eyebrows slightly to herself, a little happy smile appearing at the corner of her lips. "His name is Car Rog-" But then she opened the fridge and found only the beer bottles inside, with nothing else.
She was quiet for a few seconds, and when Arthur looked behind her, Merlin reappeared and looked into the fridge with her. He folded his arms on his chest and shook his head slightly, knowing well that it would make Arthur feel guilty.
"Arthur," Agatha closed the fridge and noticed another bottle of beer on the kitchen counter. She sighed and walked over to him, taking his hands gently. Arthur had to stop looking at Merlin and looked at Agatha instead, still being silent.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled and felt hot tears welling up in his eyes. Agatha pulled him closer and wrapped her arms around him, patting his shoulder.
"It's okay." She told him. "I'm here now and I'll cook you something and we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But I'm staying over tonight and you can't stop me."
"Listen to her, Arthur." Arthur heard Merlin say and he opened his eyes, seeing Merlin in front of him. The warlock reached out his hand and caressed Arthur's cheek, but Arthur couldn't feel it. The tears threatened to fall so he closed his eyes again and let them.
"Thanks," he told Agatha.
She nodded against his shoulder. "No problem. We both need to learn how to make this work and with time... it will be less hard. Never easy, but less hard." She said and pulled away.
He smiled at her and she smiled back. He could see Merlin smiling at both of them behind her as he walked over to the bag and curiously looked inside, at which moment Arthur's stomach decided to make its protests be heard with a loud growl.
Agatha chuckled at that. "And we'll start with breakfast, what do you say?" She asked him.
"Yeah, that sounds nice." He nodded with a smile and helped her put the food she bought into his fridge.
He could only smirk at Merlin as they both noticed Agatha bought meat, milk, eggs, vegetables and some fruits.
xoXÖXox - *TRIGGER WARNING*
"I don't like looking at that bottle." Merlin told him as he was opening the diary for Arthur, both of them sitting on Merlin's old bed and preparing for yet another reading session. Arthur wished he could feel Merlin pressing against his side, his warmth.
"I just opened it." Arthur protested and looked at Merlin who was frowning, but then Merlin rolled his eyes and looked at the bottle and back at Arthur.
"Alright, but just because you had breakfast today and actually managed to change clothes." Merlin told him. "You can have it."
"You know I don't have to listen to you, right?" Arthur smiled at him. "I'm a king." He proclaimed with a smirk. He loved when they talked like this, as if everything was alright.
Merlin laughed at that. "You were a king. Now you're just a royal ass." He told him with a huge grin on his face.
Arthur laughed at that and punched Merlin in the arm, only for his hand to fly right through him and hit the bed. Arthur caught himself before he fell over and Merlin appeared on the other side of the bed. When Arthur realized what he did, his smile disappeared and he frowned, looking down at the book in his hands.
"Come on." Merlin told him gently. His voice was sad. "Let's read."
Arthur sighed and opened it.
"Remember, page-"
"Page 85, the third paragraph, first world war, I know." Arthur finished for him.
"Right." Merlin smiled and walked over to the other side of bed where he was sitting before Arthur tried to hit him. Arthur waited until Merlin was seated next to him, trying not to think about how nice it always felt when Merlin's head fell down on his shoulder as they read together and how cute Merlin looked when he sometimes fell asleep like that.
None of this was possible anymore.
"I'm waiting," Merlin reminded him of his presence and Arthur nodded and took a deep breath.
"Alright." He smiled as he turned to another page, realizing he was on the previous one. "Dear Arthur, I'm so so so so sorry for not telling you earlier about this. I've been lying to you yet again, for many many centuries. I've lied to you in every diary in every sentence because I decided it would be better if you just didn't know about it. But it happened again today, it happened again." Arthur stopped reading and looked at Merlin.
The warlock shrugged. "Keep reading." He encouraged him and Arthur realized that because this wasn't the real Merlin, he didn't know what was Arthur about to read.
So he nodded and continued, suddenly feeling very uneasy. "Arthur, living without you is a torture in every day, every minute, in every breath that I take and I can't ever get rid of it. There is always only one way out, and I tried so hard to avoid it, but sometimes there's just no other choice left. I took the knife in my kitchen and I … I used it against myself. Quickly into the heart and then just wait until the pain is over. That's the way out." Arhtur gasped as his eyes filled with tears, but he couldn't stop reading. "It's never a permanent solution because I always wake up the next day and everything is back, including the unbearable pain. And this is not the first time either, the first time I killed myself was when I was 130 years old. That was exactly one hundred years after your death, on your birthday. I couldn't keep living, I just couldn't. Everyone I knew was dead and I couldn't bear it, so I ended it only to find out I was alive again the next day. I killed myself many times, and every time that I'm dying it feels familiar. I know it shouldn't, but it does." Arthur sobbed, remembering Merlin's last words when he confessed dying felt familiar even though he didn't know why. Now he knew. Now he knew.
Merlin next to him was quiet and Arthur couldn't keep reading out loud. He looked at the words on the paper, only reading them in his head and covering his mouth with his hand to keep the sobs silent.
Some days are better and some days are worse. Today, was one of the worse days and together with the world war and constant hiding, I couldn't take it anymore. But it's alright again. I'm fine. My body healed and I'm fine. I can't promise to stop doing that, I can't. But I promise not to tell you so you don't have to think about it. I'm sorry.
Arthur finished and closed his eyes, sobbing into his sleeve.
"I don't know what to say, I'm sorry." Merlin admitted as he listened to Arthur's cries. "Try reading again, it might help. Maybe the next days were one of the better kind for me."
Arthur couldn't think straight, but he looked down at the book again and covered the paragraph about suicides with his hand so his eyes wouldn't glance at it with every few words.
Dear Arthur, he read only in his mind, not daring to use his voice. Do you remember the horn that you used to summon your father's ghost? I can't stop thinking about it.
In that moment, Arthur stopped reading and his eyes widened. "You're right." He whispered.
"Thank you," Merlin answered and raised his eyebrows. "Why, what did I say? I know I'm always right, but could you be more specific?"
Arthur turned to him, not caring about his wet cheeks and smiled. "The horn!" He exclaimed. "You found the horn, I can find it too. You must have left it here somewhere. It's hidden in this house!" He put down the book and stood up, starting to look around and thinking about where could have Merlin put it.
"Arthur, I don't think that's a good idea." Merlin told him as Arthur kept turning around, picking up books and then putting them back down, opening the wardrobes and looking under the bed. "Don't you remember what it did to your father? You might see me again, the real me, but you can't look back as you leave, you know that. You'd bring me back and I wouldn't be the same. Arthur!" Merlin raised his voice when he saw Arthur wasn't listening. Arthur stopped and looked up at him. "Don't you remember what it did to your father?" Merlin repeated in a soft voice.
"I don't care, I need to talk to him, Merlin." Arthur closed his eyes tightly and grabbed his head. Then he opened them again and looked at Merlin, who was still standing there, not looking very happy. "I'm sorry, but you're not him." He shook his head. "You can't answer my questions, I need to talk to him, I'm sorry."
"Arthur!" Merlin yelled as Arthur ran out of the room and continued downstairs. He needed to search everywhere and one of the possible places was the room with Merlin's paintings.
When he reached the room, Merlin was already standing there, looking very worried.
"I don't have time for this, Merlin. Get out of my way." Arthur frowned, knowing well that with the tears on his face he didn't look very intimidating. But well, this was his own mind he was talking to.
Merlin folded his arms on his chest and straightened up. "You can't make me move, Arthur. You can't use the horn even if you find it because you know it will only hurt you. It will damage the good memories you have of me and turn them into something bad."
"In fact," Arthur frowned. "I can make you move. You're not real, Merlin!" He told him a bit more loudly then he intended, and then he moved forward and walked right through Merlin with his eyes closed.
He opened his eyes again and turned around, only to see that Merlin was gone. Great. He made him disappear again and even though he knew he needed him, he had a real chance at seeing the real Merlin again. And he couldn't just sit and do nothing. So he opened the door and was greeted by dozens of paintings of his face, all of them as if looking at him, telling him to stop searching and get some sleep instead.
Arthur ignored that feeling and moved forward with determination.
He collected the paintings and put them aside, opening every drawer and looking behind every little piece of furniture. He almost turned the room upside down, trying to find something, anything.
And then as he removed the older, not very realistic paintings from the corner of the room and used every bit of his strength to remove a big cupboard filled with garden supplies, he finally found what he was looking for. That something he needed to find. Not the horn, not yet, but it was a secret door in the floor.
He smiled. He never thought this house could have a secret cellar, but apparently he was wrong. He just couldn't figure out why Merlin didn't tell him after he had his memories back. Was there something he didn't want Arthur to see? Like the horn, for example?
"Arthur, please think about what you're doing." Merlin appeared again, standing in the mess he's left behind.
Arhtur didn't turn around and only rolled his eyes. "For the last time, Merlin. I don't have to listen to you. Actually, you should listen to me, so please let me do this. I need to do this."
"You don't have to Arthur. You don't." Merlin walked closer. "If Merlin didn't want you to see it, then he probably had a pretty good reason for it."
Arthur paused. That was the first time that Merlin didn't talk about himself as if he was the real Merlin. The first time he referred to himself in third person singular pronoun and it made Arthur stop completely and slowly turn to him. His heart filled with guilt, but when he imagined himself seeing the real Merlin again, it was stronger than the guilt. So he blinked and shook his head.
"I need to know what's down there, Merlin." He told him and turned back to work – figuring out how to open the secret door. And before Merlin could say something, Arthur added, "and I'd really appreciate some silence."
"I'm not going anywhere if you intend to continue." Merlin folded his arms on his chest as he did very often and walked over to Arthur. "I think you'll need magic to open it." He shrugged, voicing Arthur's worries.
Then Arthur noticed a little key hidden on the backside of one of the paintings that he left next to the opening in the floor. "I don't," he smiled.
"Arthur don't-"
"Too late." Arthur cut him off as he put the key into the tiny keyhole. The door made a little clicking sound and Arthur immediately opened it, finding a ladder inside. A ladder that led under the floor, into the cellar.
"Bravo. You managed to uncover the last secret Merlin had, I'm sure he'll love you for that as soon as you see him again after using the horn."
Arthur ignored him and excitedly threw his legs over the edge, carefully finding the ladder underneath him with his feet and climbing down.
It was dark down there, very dark, with the only source of light coming from the lit room above him. But soon he noticed a simple and very old light switch hanging on the wall, with wires coming out of it and leading somewhere further into the cellar on the ground. Arthur used the lightswitch and the light almost blinded him.
When he slowly put his hand down from his eyes and adjusted to the light, he gasped. Because there was almost nothing in the little room, nothing. Only four old walls around him, one of which filled with different markings and tally marks, dates, words (mostly his name) and with a table pressed against the wall in front of him. And an old notebook and a pen on it, together with three old candles.
"Wow, so small." Merlin commented as he appeared next to Arthur. "This place creeps me out, let's go back."
"No," Arthur simply said, silencing him as he moved forward, scared to learn what the walls said. What was written there and what it all meant. He was so scared, more than ever before in his life. He was terrified, but also curious and confused and he couldn't help it.
As he stepped closer to the walls and to the table with cobwebs on its legs, he couldn't help the tears that were already streaming down his face again.
There were tally marks on the wall in front of him, some written in blood, but thankfully most of them were carved into the wall, probably with a knife or with magic. He was scared to count the tally marks, and he was scared to even start thinking about what this all meant. But he already knew. It was the only thing Merlin didn't want him to know, the one thing he lied to him about in his diaries.
When Arhur opened the notebook, he gasped.
Dates. Nothing more than dates and a few words under them.
6.2. 1815
- sword
31.5. 1826
- rope
19.2.1859
- rope
28.11.1899
- drowned myself again, sorry
1.3.1917
- kitchen knife
Arthur closed his eyes as one of his tears fell down on the old paper. He was shaking all over and he couldn't read the words and dates anymore because his eyes were filled with hot tears and because it was too painful to acknowledge.
Merlin committed suicide. He killed himself many times in the past and who even knew how many times was it? The page Arthur opened described only the 19th century, so how would he know how many times-
He gasped as he realized it. He slowly raised his head and looked at the tally marks on the walls. How do you keep a record of something that happens many times? You use tally marks.
Arthur couldn't breathe. He looked at the wall and swallowed thickly, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands.
Five, ten, twenty, another twenty... he couldn't keep counting.
His legs were weak and he couldn't keep standing, so he fell down on the cold damp floor. His eyes burned and his hands were trembling. He couldn't believe Merlin would do such horrible things to himself. He didn't want to believe that the waiting made Merlin take his own life. He couldn't believe that because his time to return hadn't come yet, Merlin was expected to wait and wait endlessly and suffer so much. He couldn't believe that he didn't return for the first world war. Or the second one. Or all those horrible wars before them that Merlin told him about.
He couldn't believe that their lives were so brilliantly fucked up that from now on, living seemed pointless even to him.
"Why did you never tell me?" He whispered as another broken sob escaped him.
But Merlin didn't answer. And when Arthur turned around, Merlin was gone.
xoXÖXox - *TRIGGER WARNING*
With you I always am...
Arthur heard Merlin's voice in his head as the sleep slowly left him and new day began. When Arthur turned to the window with his head still on the pillow, he realized it was raining.
Merlin was sitting cross-legged in front of him on the bed, partly blocking his view of the window. He was dressed in the same clothes and looking at Arthur with a gentle smile playing at his lips.
"What did you dream about?" Merlin asked, just like he did every morning. As if he didn't know that Arthur dreamt about the same day again and again. Either that, or about nothing. Tonight he could see and feel the real Merlin in his dreams though. He could kiss him under the stars, then at the dinner and after he gave him the ring. He had another ring of his own, and he never took it off ever since Valentine's Day.
"Arthur?" Merlin frowned and leaned down, looking into Arthur's tired eyes. "Did you see me in your dreams? Was I with you again?"
Arthur's smile turned sad when he met Merlin's eyes. "Yes." He answered.
"Smile then." Merlin encouraged him. "You need to learn how to smile again. I know we had a good laugh a few days ago, but ever since you found the-"
"Merlin." Arthur warned, but Merlin ignored him as usual.
"-cellar, I haven't seen you smile. Not once." He finished, his own smile gone.
"I am aware." Arthur rolled his eyes and turned away from Merlin, hiding his head under the blanket, maybe trying to silence him and maybe not. He couldn't decide.
"You can't hide." Merlin reminded him and Arthur felt him stand up and round the bed, kneeling in front of his covered face. He could feel his breath on his face and the worst thing was that he knew it wasn't real. How could he feel it then? How could he feel it when he couldn't even touch him?
"Do you want to read something again?" Merlin suggested, his voice softer than before.
"We've already finished all your diaries." Arthur mumbled under the blanket and finally put it away, looking up into Merlin's sad eyes. "And I'm not interested in any of your new books."
"Then we'll read my oldest diary again. The one from my first years in Camelot, when you were still with me." Merlin smiled at him and reached out his hand, playing with Arthur's hair. Arthur closed his eyes and tried to feel the light touch of his fingers, but he couldn't and his hair didn't move an inch. How could he feel his breath and hear his voice, but not feel his touch? Was he completely crazy?
"We've already read that yesterday night." He told him.
"Don't you want to read it again?" Merlin asked him, which made Arthur open his eyes.
"Of course I want to read it again." He whispered. "I want to read all your diaries again, but I can't. You know I can't. Not after I've memorized all the dates."
Merlin's smile disappeared. "I understand." He told him and smiled briefly. Bitterly. "But you can read the beginning of diary number one, that's harmless."
"And you complain quite a lot about me there." Arthur nodded, agreeing.
"So is it settled, then?" Merlin asked with a light smirk. Arthur looked into his eyes and took a deep breath, nodding.
"Yes. We'll read it again." He smiled up at him.
"Perfect, I'll wait for you." Merlin grinned and walked into the old Gaius' room, waiting for Arthur to get there after breakfast. Or maybe he'd appear in the living room, eating with him. That happened often as well.
After brushing his teeth, taking a quick shower and grabbing an apple with beer, Arthur went upstairs again and entered the old Gaius' room. When Merlin wasn't there, Arthur decided to go into Merlin's old room, and he found him sitting on the bed.
"Let's start." He smiled up at him and frowned when he noticed the beer in Arthur's hand.
"Shut up." Arthur rolled his eyes. "I don't need you to tell me that I should take care of myself. I don't care about that. I just want to read the beginning of your first diary and then... then... then I don't know, okay?" Arthur closed his eyes briefly, in regret. He was in a really bad mood this morning.
"It's okay, Arthur. You don't have to know everything right now." Merlin told him.
Arthur turned away from him and noticed all the diaries on the shelf. His breath hitched and he swallowed. So many times had Merlin killed himself and each time destiny brought him back to his suffering. Arthur couldn't live with that, he couldn't live knowing what Merlin did because of him. He didn't remember anything from when he was in Avalon, but he was sure he would throw a fit if he saw what Merlin was doing to himself. He would throw a fit just because he couldn't talk to him. Because only seeing was a torture of its own.
"What are you thinking about?" Merlin asked him, his voice sounding a little worried and a little panicked. "Don't think about that." He asked him.
Arthur looked at all the diaries and realized that there was one diary he hasn't read yet. It was after number ten, and he coldn't believe he hasn't noticed it. When he frowned and took the diary into his hands, he realized it was the empty diary that he gave Merlin on Christmas. The one he thought they'd fill with good memories and good days spent together.
But he was wrong. He was so wrong. And now without Merlin, he was so so lost. He couldn't do this anymore. Merlin had to wait and wait over and over again, and Arthur couldn't live with that. Merlin took his own life, many times and he kept a record of that. Who knew what he was doing down there in the cellar when he lived alone in this house? Who knew what terrors he saw in his sleep after he'd killed himself yet again? How could Arthur know this when Merlin told him he didn't want him to know?
No, Merlin deliberately skipped the worst of the worst in his diaries and admitted he lied only once. He didn't even find the horn. When Arthur returned from his frantic searching, he finished the diary and found out that Merlin never found the horn and never used it to see him. So all that searching was pointless.
As was his life without Merlin. Without love. Even Agatha already found someone she could spend her evenings with. Sooner or later, her visits would become scarce and he'd have to be here alone.
"Arthur?" He heard Merlin's panicked voice from behind him. He hated to hear him like that, but he couldn't help it as he couldn't help the tears that were already streaming down his face again.
He put the apple and beer on the shelf and then he took the new empty diary and ran his finger over the cover. Then he slowly opened it with a deep shaky breath and to his surprise, found a little piece of folded paper.
"What do you think it is?" Merlin asked, leaning over his shoulder, sounding less panicked. "Do you think I left it here for you? That Merlin left it here for you so you could read it after... you know?"
"I don't know." Arthur sighed as he slowly sat down on the old bed and unfolded the paper. He wasn't strong enough to read it out loud, but he knew Merlin would read it with him.
He took a deep breath. "Let's find out."
Dear Arthur. It feels stupid to continue with this even after all those diaries that always started with dear Arthur, but I don't care because I can't remember most of the diaries anyway and because there's one thing I still remember and regret the most.
Please read this only after you've read all the diaries. I'm not sure, but I think I didn't mention it until maybe the last one. And it's very important that you understand what I'm trying to tell you here.
My hair is grey and I've got wrinkles everywhere. I'm aging and there's no cure, so sooner or later I... will be gone. And you'll be here alone for the week, only with Agatha visiting you every weekend. I don't want you to feel how I felt for more than a thousand years. But there's really no escaping this, so you'll have to learn how to live with this. And there's no other option.
Only there was another option, and Arthur knew that. Merlin knew that too, and how he felt now... he didn't know if he could be as strong as Merlin was and live.
"Don't think about that, please." Merlin interrupted his thoughts. His voice was panicked again and this time, Arthur already knew why.
He ignored Merlin though and continued reading.
I don't want you to end up like I did, but I'm pretty sure you're not immortal so it'll be easier for you. That means you can still have a long and happy life and you won't have to live for centuries, never being sure when I return. I already lost you once and I won't feel the pain the second time I lose you because it'll be me dying. You've lost me once and didn't feel the pain of waiting because it was you who died, and now it's your turn to lose me again and feel everything at once, just like I did for centuries. All the anger, the sorrow, the hopelessness... believe me, I've been there.
And as I'm sure you've found out by now, I couldn't live with that and... I didn't. I took my own life more times than I can even remember.
Arthur, I love you. I love you more than anything and you know that I know what you're thinking about right now. Don't. Please don't. You can do this, I'm sure you can do this. I lived without you for a hundred years before I first took the sword and used it to end my suffering. And it didn't work, but that didn't stop me from doing it again. Normal mortal life is shorter than a hundred years though, which is why I know you can do this.
But still, I want you to talk to Agatha and tell her what you're feeling right now. She'll understand, you know she will. It's rare that I've met someone so understanding and kind and decided to be friends with them. At least I think it is, some of my memories are gone again. I guess that's the price to pay for aging so quickly. Not that aging is anything I like, but it's just the way it is.
You've been in Avalon for as long as I had to wait here on Earth. I don't know if you could feel time in Avalon, but I'm about to find out. And I don't want to be afraid because you'll be with me in my last moments and because this time I will die peacefully.
Please just take care of yourself. I love you.
Goodbye, Arthur.
Your Merlin.
Arthur was sobbing again, covering his mouth with his hand and putting the letter back into the empty diary. He didn't remember how Avalon looked like, but Merlin was there right now, waiting for him again and Arthur was down here, suffering. Arthur didn't remember if you could feel time in Avalon, but if it was possible then Merlin was going through all of that painful waiting again and he couldn't let that happen.
And there was only one sure way to end both of their suffering.
"Please tell me you're not thinking about what I think you're thinking about." Merlin asked him, his voice trembling. He sounded panicked and Arthur knew why, but he couldn't stop it. "You can't do this, Arthur. You can't do this to Aga-"
"Merlin needs me." Arthur cut him off and turned to look at him, breathing quickly and wiping his tears with his sleeve. "And I need to see him. If I don't have the horn, then this is the only option."
"No, Arthur-"
"No, Merlin." Arthur frowned, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. "You're not real and if there's a way to be with the real you again, then I have to do it." He sighed with a lump in his throat. "And if you want to stop me then please leave me alone."
"Arthur-"
"I said leave!" Arthur yelled as he turned away from him. He closed his eyes and hid his face in his palms, taking deep breaths and trying very hard not to start sobbing again.
There was only one thing to do now. And he knew the perfect place to do it.
When he turned around again, he found an empty room. But that was alright. Soon he would be with his real Merlin. And they would live together in Avalon. They'd be happy again.
And he really needed to feel happy now.
xoXÖXox - *TRIGGER WARNING*
He acted quickly, without thinking twice about it. He put on Merlin's favourite jacket, left the house, closed the gate and walked back into Glastonbury to take the bus. It took him about two hours to get to Bristol, and then he continued to the beach where they first kissed and where Merlin got his memories back, and most importantly to the cliff.
And Arthur didn't care that what he was doing was probably wrong and not what Merlin wanted. All he needed was to see him again, to be able to touch him and hold him close and kiss him senseless until he understood why he did it. Until he knew that he couldn't live without him, not back in Camelot, not ever.
It was unthinkable to live to the fullest without Merlin by his side. That idiot always managed to get them out of an uncomfortable situation, sometimes by making it even more awkward or sometimes by risking everything and in the end saving them both.
Arthur loved him for that. And even if Avalon wasn't a happy place as everyone thought, at least they'd be together there and Arthur knew that together they could beat anything.
When he was finally standing on the cliff, with the wind blowing in his face and playing with his hair, he decided to listen to music for the last time so he fished his earphones from his pocket.
But the only song he could listen to now was not a happy one.
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
"Arthur!" He heard Merlin from behind him, just as he was looking at his old pictures of Merlin and him that they took together on their first trip to the forest. "Arthur, please think about what you're doing. Really, think! You can't do this!"
Arthur only laughed bitterly. Then he turned around and stared into Merlin's worried and scared face. He hated to see him like that, but that was exactly the moment he had to remind himself that this Merlin wasn't the real Merlin and that the real Merlin was waiting for him in Avalon, hopefully not watching him right now.
"I need to do this and you know it. You'r only in my head." Arthur told him.
Merlin's face saddened even more if it was possible and he stepped closer to him. So close that they were standing right in front of each other, their faces inches apart.
"Arthur, please. I'm begging you." He whispered with his voice trembling. "Don't do this, you can live without me. You're strong enough, I know you. Agatha can help you too."
"I'm not strong enough! Don't you see? You lasted a hundred years before the endless waiting made you take your life. I'm not strong enough to last even a month without you!" Arthur cried, feeling the hot tears in his eyes again.
It was at that moment when Merlin decided to grab his hand. And he felt it. God, he felt it as if it was real, as if Merlin was there with him. It felt so real!
Arthur couldn't control his breathing anymore as a sob escaped him. He took a deep breath and interlocked their fingers, feeling all of Merlin's between his. It was like a miracle. The last bit of happiness before he ended it all. And the song was still playing as they stared at each other.
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Arthur felt the tears on his cheeks, the chilly wind making him even more aware of them. He wanted to hold on to Merlin and never let him go. He really did, but this Merlin was not the real Merlin. His Merlin.
The decision has already been made.
Merlin's eyes widened as he realized what Arthur was thinking about. He tightened the hold on his hand and whispered. "Please..."
"You're not the real him." Arthur breathed out. "You're just an echo. You're a constant reminder of what happened and that I can't change it, you're the proof that I've finally gone out of my mind. Without him, I'm nothing. With you... I'm just a lunatic." He shook his head and used his free hand to get rid of the earphones.
"I'm sorry." He shook his head again as he made a few steps backwards, forward the end of the cliff. One step closer to his death. He didn't know if there were any stones under the cliff or if there was only deep water. But he knew that once his body hit the surface, he's lose consciousness and woudldn't have to worry about anything anymore.
The pain would be over. And Merlin would be his again.
"Hello? Young man?" He heard someone's voice. He frowned and looked behind Merlin, seeing an old man standing there, looking worriedly at him.
But Arthur ignored him. He needed to do this. And no one could stop him. Not in the real world, not in his head.
"Arthur-"
"I love you." Arhtur smiled at him. "Goodbye."
And with that he closed his eyes and let go of Merlin's imaginary hand, taking the last step and then feeling only the air around him.
And then feeling nothing.
xoXÖXox
"So do you prefer spaghetti or... spaghetti?" Carl smiled as he was looking at the two packages of spaghetti in his hands. Agatha laughed as they were both standing in the kitchen, in Carl's flat. Then he smiled at her and hung his head. "I'm sorry I don't have anything else. I should have bought something."
"That's fine." Agatha smiled and leaned against the wall, looking at him. "I've never seen a man cook, so I'm happy with whatever you make. The only thing I ask is that it's edible, I'm hungry."
Carl grinned at that. "I can promise you that!" He told her as he put one of the package of spaghetti back into the cupboard and put the other one on the kitchen counter. Then he turned back to his new girlfriend. "My mom taught me how to cook when I was fourteen. I have two younger sisters, so I had to take care of that when both my parents worked over summer holidays."
"Impressive." Agatha smiled and stepped forward. "I like that."
"I'm glad you do." He smirked and looked down at her lips, leaning forward. Agatha closed her eyes and waited for his lips to land on hers, when suddenly her phone decided to ring at exactly that moment.
They stopped, still close to each other and Agatha snorted. "I'm sorry." She apologized, but Carl only laughed.
"It's fine."
Agatha walked back to the living room where she left her phone in her handbag. When she found it, her smile got even bigger. It was Arthur calling. She hoped he was fine, it was Thursday and she was with him a few days ago, staying over the weekend as usual. But at least he was calling her and not ignoring her anymore. She was very glad for that, it meant he was getting better.
"Arthur? Hi," she smiled as she picked up and looked at Carl who was waiting in the kitchen, smiling at her and holding the spaghetti.
"Hello? Is this Agatha Black?" Ag frowned when she heard the unfamiliar voice. It sounded like an old man.
"Yes. Who are you?" She asked carefully. There was no reason for Arthur's phone to be in somebody else's hands, unless... she really hoped he didn't pass out in some pub.
"My name is Viktor Smith, I'm very sorry to bother you, but you're the only one who picked up. I found his phone-"
"Wait a second," she closed her eyes, feeling her chest tighten. Car was already walking towards her, sensing something was wrong. "What happened?" She dared to ask and grabbed Carl's hand for support.
"I am so sorry, miss." He told her. Agatha didn't know what was wrong, but she could feel tears in her eyes. This didn't sound like only a pub at all. "I found him standing on the cliff, but I couldn't stop him. I found his phone with pictures in it, but he's gone. The young blonde man, miss."
"What? W-what cliff, wha- what..." She started breathing faster and had to sit down on the couch as her knees started shaking and her legs were too weak to support her.
"He jumped." The man simply told her, his voice shaking. "I already called the police and ambulance, they're on their way." He informed her.
Carl wrapped his arms around her as she started shaking all over, sobbing. "Whe-where are you?" She managed to ask.
"The Sunken Bay Beach, miss." The man told her. And Agatha could almost feel her heart break. It was the same beach they visited with Merlin and Arthur half a year ago.
It was that same beach, that same cliff, that same high cliff.
Agatha felt paralyzed. She couldn't think, talk, or breathe. She felt as Carl gently took the phone out of her hand and put it to his own ear, saying thank you to the man and hanging up.
And then he just held her. He held her as she cried into his chest and he kept mumbling something into her ear. But it didn't help. Nothing ever could. Because she had lost Morgan, then she lost Merlin and now even Arthur.
She's lost all of her friends, everything she held dear over the last year. Everything.
This was the story of how she saved a man and helped him, and how knowing him and loving him broke her.
And how she continued to love him even after that.
TBC
Summary: Ever since Merlin died, Arthur keeps dreaming of their Valentine's Day and he keeps seeing Merlin everywhere - it's a hallucination, but it's enough to make him laugh sometimes. He started drinking though and he doesn't really take care of himself, he even ignored Agatha for three weeks after the funeral, but in this chapter they meet again and talk and we find out that Agatha has a boyfriend - Carl Rogers. Arthur finished reading all the diaries together with his imaginary Merlin, and he found out that Merlin had killed himself many times in the past because he just couldn't wait for him anymore. Arthur then finds a secret cellar under the room with the paintings. There's a notebook with dates and short descriptions of how Merlin killed himself on that date. There are also tally marks on the wall, which means that Merlin hadn't killed himself only once. Arthur is sad and then he finds a letter from Merlin in the new diary that he gave him on Christmas. In the letter, Merlin explains that he knows what is Arthur feeling and that he wants him to talk to Agatha and stay safe. But Arthur can't take it anymore and takes a bus to the beach where they first kissed and he kills himself - he jumps off the cliff. Agatha finds out through a phone call from a witness.
The song I used is called "Far Away" by Nickelback.
Well... I did include some happy Merthur flashbacks (thanks Clipsy!), so I hope you weren't sad while reading the whole chapter. But I know it was very sad and I'm so sorry for that :'( The official story of the characters that you learned to know so far in this story is over. The next chapter will be set far in the future, and I'll tell you what eventually happened to Agatha (and Carl!) and what happened to Morgana because as you can see, she's probably still looking for Morgause :/ You'll meet Merlin and Arthur again, and this time, it will finally be the right time for Arthur to return. With one little change... he'd already returned in 2016, so he'll have to be reborn, together with Merlin... so yeah, they won't know each other yet and that's where the fun will start :D I hope you'll like the next chapter because my head is already full of details :D
Btw, if it makes you feel any better, almost every time I thought I wrote "Carl", I actually wrote "Car", so I was very confused when I was rereading the chapter and found out that some car was willing to cook spaghetti and then proceeded to hug Agatha :D
*hands you tisues* I'll start working on the next (and happy!) chapter asap, but we didn't have school this week and it's already Thursday and I have a lot of work to do, so it'll take some time again :(
Please leave a review, even if it's just the result of your head banging against the keyboard, thanks :)