Robots Are Awesome

a/n: Present day, somewhere in the US. Somebody's having a bad day in elementary school. Robots remain awesome in any situation.

Swears. I can make them 10 years old, but I can't stop the swears.

Why? Why? Why? I can't blame the tiniest bit of this on Monolith Soft, which owns the otherwise interesting world of XCX and those that walk within it.

"Kid, take your thumb out of your mouth. I can't understand you."

The kid didn't do that. But she did enunciate more clearly. "I don't like mice."

"Well, too bad. This book's got mice."

"Don't like 'em. They squeak. By my bed. At night."

"Look, this is the book your teacher gave us, so I'm gonna read it anyway."

The kid puffed out her lower lip. Great, a crybaby. Buddy Time already sucked hard enough, but this was the worst. He was sick of this kid already, and he'd only been stuck with her for a few minutes. She didn't start crying. As he opened the book, she covered her ears with her hands instead. She had to twist her head a little, because she never took her thumb out of her mouth.

So maybe not a crybaby. Still just a baby, and a girl baby to boot. It wasn't fair. He looked across the kindergarten classroom, where he was sure his friend Lamonte was having such a better time with little Nicky. Lucky him. Up until then, they'd been a team, reading to that rugrat. There had been more 5th graders than kindergartners, so some kids got to team up. He'd been the lucky one back then.

Now he was stuck with this new girl. Her hair was ugly, sticking in seven directions at once, like she'd taken scissors to it. Probably had, because God knows kindergartners were dumb. He relished the silent swear. God knows girls are dumb too. Most of them. God knows he was happier working with Lamonte and Nicky, because even if they had to read baby books, at least they were about trucks and junk.

She'd sucked her thumb the whole time. That probably made it about the only clean part of her. Her face was grimy from lunch, and her knees were almost grey from the playground. She needed to wipe her nose. God, if a kid like him noticed the dirt on her, she needed a wash bad.

He glared down at her. She didn't notice, because she'd jammed her eyes closed too. Guess she wasn't joking about not liking mice. He heaved an exaggerated sigh and flopped back against the tiny chair, shoving the book across the table. The kindergarten teacher moved over to them.

"Is there a problem, Jeff?"

Yeah, stupid, because that's still not my name. JF are my initials, dummy. But he didn't say that. "She doesn't want to read that book."

The kid mumbled something. He looked down at her. She was peering at him, not the teacher.

"Sweetie, we don't suck our thumbs in kindergarten. You're a big girl now, okay?" The teacher reached out and pulled gently at the little girl's fist.

God, his kindergarten teacher hadn't been this stupid. Even he knew that was going to be trouble. If she got it loose, the kid would start screaming, he was sure of it. But that wasn't gonna happen. The teacher could probably pull that little girl's hand high into the air, and the kid would still dangle from her own thumb like a fish on hook. He snorted at the image.

"Something funny, Jeff? Because it's not nice to tease."

And it's so goddamn nice to pull at someone's hand? But he didn't say that either. "She says she doesn't like mice."

The kid mumbled something, a little desperately, because the teacher was still pulling while she was struggling to keep her thumb in her mouth.

"She says they squeak and that bugs her. Because she has some by her bed, I guess."

"Oh." The teacher stood up and stepped a pace back. No biggie. Maybe the teacher didn't like mice. He'd wanted a hamster, once, or a guinea pig, instead of his sister's dumb old cat. Or a dog, that would be nice. But not so much now, because he was so close to being in middle school. Did guys want dogs in middle school? Maybe a little. Maybe he could convince his mom he was old enough to take care of a dog. Not a big one, but not one of those stupid tiny ones. A kind of big one, that'd be best. He could train it to do tricks.

"Jeff, pay attention. I said, did she say what she likes?"

Goddamn it, he'd been thinking about dogs, okay? How would he know? He'd never seen this kid before. She was new to the school, wasn't she? Hadn't been there last Buddy Time, right? He ducked his head and made his dumbest face.

The kid mumbled something. "Rwww-wahs."

"Sweetie, I can't understand you when you have your thumb in your mouth. It's not big girl behavior."

Stupid teacher, because this kid was the exact opposite of a big anything. Except big pain. Great big pain. Mighty big pain. He sat up with inspiration. "ROBOTS! I got it!" He shoved his chair back, admiring for a second how it had slid almost into the back of Hana's chair, and stormed over to the reading corner. "Move it!" he ordered a classmate. There they were, at least the first five of them. Ricky Ricotta's Mighty Robot books. He'd noticed them on the shelves, back when he wasn't being punished by being this kid's Buddy and had a hope of reading them to Nicky. Except Nicky only liked trucks.

They were stupid easy, but he remembered liking them back when he was little. He grabbed the first one and waved it at the teacher. She was giving a I'm-so-disappointed-and-a-little-ready-to-be-angry look at him from where he'd been sitting. The bratty kid had disappeared.

Nope, no such luck. She was right next to him, thumb still stuck in her face. There was a jittery look in her eyes as she tried to examine the book bouncing in his hand.

He started explaining loudly. "See. It's got mice but they don't squeak and it's got robots, like you said, right?" He glared at the kid, only just barely keeping himself from pinching her. Because you don't pinch girls. (Except sisters. Those don't count.)

The kid was breathing hard, but she frowned and nodded. She popped her thumb out, wrinkly and shining pink, and said sharply, "I don't like mice." Then jammed it back in.

He argued with growing exasperation, "These aren't mice mice, they're cartoon walking around mice, in clothes and junk. Like Mickey Mouse but not so dumb. No squeaking."

The teacher flapped her hands. "Very nice, but please be quiet and sit down. Now. The other children need to concentrate."

He looked down at the kid. She looked up at him. They moved back to their seats.

"Horsies. I like horsies," the kid whispered fairly clearly around her thumb.

"Well, I heard robots," he whispered back.

The kid made her own squeaking noises with her thumb, while he skimmed the start of the book. Yeah, it was pretty good for being such a baby book. Finally, she whispered, a little less clearly, "Robots are okay."

"Robots are goddammed awesome."

From off in another corner, the teacher snapped, fake sweetly. "Jeff, concentrate please."

"Yes, ma'am," he said. He could bring out the manners when he had to, especially when he was worried he'd get in real trouble. You weren't supposed to swear in front of little kids.

He started to read out loud, and did his best not to notice how the brat kept moving closer and closer to the page to follow along. They got through almost half of it before he realized the other kids were lining up.

"Jeff, dear, your class needs to leave. Now, Betsy, sweetie, I'm very proud of you for sitting and listening so nicely. Did you like the book?"

He closed it gladly. Well, maybe with a little reluctance, because the evil mad scientist had just made the classroom lizard grow and stuff was about to get wrecked, if he remembered right. He had no idea if she'd liked it, because he'd kind of gotten into it and ignored her. "It was okay, right?"

She removed her thumb with a loud pop. "Robots are awesome." And twinkled up at him, big brown eyes with flecks of silver, before putting her thumb back in her mouth with a steady look that hid a lot of satisfaction and a little mischief.

Goddammed little brat, she could have gotten him in SO much trouble, and she knew it. But she hadn't, which meant that he was stuck with her, and no complaining. Well, at least she had okay taste in books.

Six weeks later, they'd gotten through the first two books and the start of the third. Then he'd arrived at Buddy Time, only to learn her mom had moved them away somewhere. Never saw her again. Dumb kid, thinking horses were better than robots.

a/n: I was doing rough calculations and realized Vandham starts 6th grade in Fall 2017, by one way of reckoning. Then this story arrived in my brain. So hold on, all you middle school teachers. More to the point, thank you thank you for educating my little angels (and I apologize for everything I did as a kid).

Dav Pilkey, author of Ricky Ricotta, is THE MAN. Youngest Child can read because of the power of potty humor in Super Diaper Baby. Nothing like puzzling over the letters p, o, and o, until you realize that the word is the thing. Proved it by excitedly reading the book loud enough for the entire household to hear. AT 5AM. No more sleep, all swallowed in joy, and we went to the 24-hour donut shop to celebrate.

If you read the first Ricky Ricotta, you learn that Ricky wants a friend above all things. He ends up getting a giant robot. All of which fits little Betsy so bad it's not even funny (her name gets legally changed shortly after this story, do I really have to say to what?). (Yes, there is a whole backstory to support that. It may sneak in to other pieces. Because, yes, there is another arc after this set.)

Next up: Jack meets Lila in San Diego circa 2048 and we learn what the 'F' stands for. Built with true gratitude using the AU of green-piggy's story, "I see signs now [all the time]". Go read that and I mean right now, because it is hilarious and full of feels. I'd link it, but Fan fiction won't even let me do that. So, good luck searching the XCX stories, back to April 2016.