Chapter nine

Up is down

Elsa stood at her door, waiting for the sound of Anna's door.

She knew Anna was already awake, since the girl wasn't exactly quiet; the sounds of her getting ready to start the day easily carried through the wall that separated them. Still, she wanted to wait until Anna was already out the door to talk to her about the previous night, so as not to just ambush her about it. And, obviously, she couldn't just wait outside her door like some creepy stalker, so she had instead gone for this plan, waiting until Anna left her room to do the same. With any luck, it would appear that they had both just happened to wake up at the same time, and their conversation would quickly go to the most obvious place.

Because she did want to know how Anna felt about what she had done, very much so. She was sure, after hours of deliberation, that she had done the right thing, giving her the satisfaction she wanted and deserved. But that didn't stop the voice in her head telling her that she had somehow screwed it up; that Anna hadn't actually been ready for that last step. Hopefully, now her fears would be assuaged.

At last, she heard the latch click, and she quickly grabbed her own door handle, exiting into the hallway. Anna swung her own door shut.

"Morning, Anna!" Elsa said cheerfully. "Sleep well?"

Anna turned to look at her.

In the half hour or so that she had spent rehearsing what she would say, Elsa had wondered what Anna's reaction would be. She might have greeted it with a smile, or an embarrassed chuckle, or a torrential deluge of words, as she was wont to do. Knowing Anna, she had considered it entirely possible that she'd walk right up to her and kiss her, right there.

What she hadn't expected was that look.

Anna glowered at her, staring daggers. "No," she said, her voice duller than Elsa had ever heard it. Then she turned away, walking towards the stairway.

Elsa was caught completely off guard. She had never seen Anna act like this, and she certainly hadn't expected it now, after what she had done.

She hurried after her, trying to figure out what was wrong. "I'm – I'm sorry to hear that. Can I help?"

"No," said Anna, still walking. "You've proven that much."

The line was a gut punch for Elsa. On top of confirming her fear that this was her own fault, it was a downright nasty thing to say. And Anna was actually speeding up, almost running now. This day had turned horrible in record time.

"Anna, wait!" she cried out. "What's wrong? Did I do something bad?"

Anna stopped in her tracks. She turned around, looking at Elsa like she had just said the dumbest thing ever. Then she turned back around, quickly climbing down the stairs.

Elsa slumped against the wall.

Have I really ruined this already?

xxxxxxx

Breakfast was a hearty omelet, with green peppers and miniature cubes of ham. Anna wouldn't talk to her.

Lunch featured a variety of different sandwiches, from ham and cheese to egg and cress, on toasted rye bread. Anna still wouldn't talk to her.

Dinner was a three course meal featuring roast pork, fresh greens and a meaty soup. Anna still wouldn't talk to her.

Twice after breakfast, and three times after lunch, Elsa had sought her out, trying to get her to explain what was wrong. Anna wouldn't budge an inch, and by now, Elsa was growing desperate.

She had tried apologizing, but it only made things worse when it became clear that she still had no clue what she was apologizing for. She had tried to change the subject, but Anna would have none of it. She even gave her a bunch of flowers as an apology, which she had glanced at once before dropping them in a nearby vase, then walked away. Now, she had locked herself in her room, and it didn't look like she was coming out any time soon.

Elsa glanced at the clock. Already, it was almost seven. Ten hours of scorn and isolation from Anna, and she was losing her mind. She had gone over that last night a hundred times in her mind, thinking about every step she had done, and she still had no clue what Anna was mad about. What else could she do? She had nobody else to talk to about this.

Strike that, actually. She had exactly one person to talk to. And she was pretty sure that he wouldn't be too happy about what she had to say.

xxxxxxx

Some days, it seemed like all Kristoff did was polish his sled. Often she'd walk by its storage room four or five times a day, and there he'd be, rubbing a cloth down the sides, polishing it to a mirror sheen, yet never seeming to get tired of the repetitive action.

She found him there now, this time retouching the paint on the runners. She hovered outside the doorway, trying to think of how she could possibly phrase what she had to say in a way that would hurt him the least.

Hey, Kristoff, how's it going? Hey, you know Anna, that girl you kind of like who's the only real reason you're here? Well, I'm sleeping with her. Yes, my sister. But don't worry, it was all my idea to begin with. So it's not your fault at all that I'm spending more time with her, and you're just out here with this sled…Anyway, she's mad at me, can you help me figure out why?

Elsa sighed. This was going to be painful, but she had no other choice. She stepped timidly into the room, calling out to Kristoff.

"Oh, hey, Elsa," he said, looking up from his work. "How are things?"

"Not good, Kristoff," she said sadly. "Not good at all."

His face quickly turned serious. "Is this about Anna?" he asked.

Elsa nodded, still arranging the proper words in her mind.

He sighed. "Look, if this is about the stuff you two are doing together, then do me a favor – skip past the lovey-dovey stuff and get to the part where you screwed up."

Elsa was shocked. "How did you…did Anna…?"

"Oh, come on, at least give me a little credit," Kristoff said indignantly. "You two aren't exactly subtle."

Elsa blushed. "Really?"

"Ever since I first met you two," he continued, "you haven't been able to keep your hands off each other. I figured it was only a matter of time before you just flat out started dating. Then, two days ago, Anna walks right up to me and asks me to help set up a lunch between the two of you. Wasn't too hard to figure out."

"Oh," Elsa said, turning apologetic. "I'm sorry, Kristoff, I know you two were…"

"Hey, don't worry about it," he said amiably. "You two love each other a lot, that's obvious. I can't stand in the way of true love. If you guys are happy together, I'm happy."

Elsa smiled, but it quickly faded as she realized the double meaning of his words.

"IF you guys are happy," he repeated. "Which brings us back to the part where you screwed up. What did you do that made Anna start stomping around the castle like she hates everything?"

Elsa sighed. "I don't know, Kristoff, I really don't. I did something that I thought would make her happy, but it didn't, and I don't know why."

"Well, what, exactly, did you do?" he asked.

Elsa turned a deep red. "We…I…I came into her room, in the middle of the night, and I…" She trailed off.

Kristoff looked puzzled, but then a look of understanding overtook his face. "Oh," he said, eyes widening. "Oh."

Elsa nodded.

He pressed on, clearly as uncomfortable as Elsa was. "Like…on a scale of one to ten, with ten being…you know, all the way…"

"Ten," Elsa answered, wondering if it was possible to be more embarrassed than she was right now.

"Oh, wow," Kristoff said, clearly caught off guard. "How long have you guys been doing this? Like, officially doing this?"

Elsa managed to turn even redder. "About a week," she mumbled.

"A week?" he repeated incredulously, clapping a hand to his head. "Jesus Christ."

"She seemed like she was ready," Elsa said defensively.

"Okay, okay, I get it, I get it, I get it," Kristoff said quickly.

"Sorry," Elsa said.

"So, after you...did that…what did Anna say?" he asked.

"Uh, she didn't really say anything," Elsa answered.

Kristoff raised an eyebrow. "Really? Anna didn't have anything to say?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I left right after I finished."

Kristoff's mouth dropped open, and he stared at her. "You did WHAT?"

"I…I left," Elsa said, a little scared at his tone.

For maybe the first time since she had known him, Kristoff looked genuinely mad. "You left her alone, right at the most emotional moment in her life?"

"Yes, I just thought…oh my god," she said.

Throughout the whole day, while she had replayed every second of last night's events in her mind, she hadn't even considered the fact that she had left might have anything to do with it.

When I left her, everything was fine.

When I left her.

What had been the one thing that Anna had asked of her?

Whatever you want, just don't leave me.

How could she have been so stupid, to think that it would end just because she satisfied her physically?

"Oh my god," she said again, taking a step back. "Kristoff, I screwed up, big time."

"Yeah, no kidding!" Kristoff said.

"Jesus Christ, I must be the stupidest person in the world," she said.

"I can't really argue with you there," he agreed.

She turned to him. "What do I do, Kristoff?" she asked.

"What do you do?" he replied. "You go to Anna and apologize immediately, that's what you do!"

"She doesn't want to listen to me," Elsa said.

"Then freeze her feet to the floor and force her to listen!" Kristoff shouted. "Say it a hundred times if you have to. Make sure she knows that you still love her. You need to do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, that you possibly can to make things right. Go, right now!"

Elsa gathered her resolve. "You're right, I will. Thanks, Kristoff!" She ran off towards Anna's room.

"And be careful!" he shouted after her. "I don't want to see either of you get hurt!"

xxxxxxx

Elsa reached the bedroom door, still locked. She knocked.

"Anna? Please, open this door, I need to talk to you."

No reply.

"Please, Anna, I know you're mad, but just let me explain."

She listened close, her ear pressed against the door. No sound of any kind of movement.

"I shouldn't have left you, Anna," she shouted. "It was a stupid thing to do. You're absolutely right to be mad at me, and I'm probably the worst sister in the world, but you have to believe me, I didn't mean to hurt you! Please, just let me in so I can apologize to your face!"

She was painfully aware of the irony in this situation. How many times had Anna been in exactly the same position as she was now, begging for her sister to come out? Yet here they were, roles perfectly reversed.

Except that it was my fault both times.

How much pain had she caused Anna over these years? Did she even deserve to be forgiven? For anything she had done to her sister?

She heard the lock click.

Maybe I don't. But I'm going to ask her for it anyway.

The door swung open, and Anna stood on the other side. Her eyes were bloodshot.

"Come in," she said hoarsely. "And don't say anything."

Elsa obeyed, slipping into the room before Anna closed the door with a thud.

"Anna-" she began.

"Don't talk," Anna said again, more forcefully.

Elsa immediately stopped.

"You're going to listen to what I have to say," she said. "And then, when I'm done, you can tell me how sorry you are. Is that clear?"

Elsa nodded.

"Good." Anna took a deep breath. It was clear she wasn't enjoying this any more than Elsa was. Elsa waited silently for her to begin, trying to assess just how much damage she had caused this time.

She took another deep breath, then began. "You could have at least explained it to me," she said, voice trembling.

What?

"I'm an adult, I deserve to know," she continued. "Maybe you just weren't comfortable saying it outright. I can understand that. But I still wish you had just come out and said it. 'Anna, I don't want to do this anymore.'"

Elsa's eyes widened. "No, Anna, that's not-"

Anna silenced her with a glare.

"Things went too far for you, you wanted to stop but couldn't see a way out, so you just decided to skip right to the end," Anna said, her voice growing shakier by the second. "Get it all over with, so we could go back to being…what we were before. If that's what you wanted, I can absolutely understand. But you could have respected my intelligence and explained it to me, instead of just leaving me to figure it out alone!"

With this, Anna's voice finally broke, and she started crying, dropping her head into her hands. Elsa rushed to her side, reaching out a hand.

"That isn't what I wanted at all, Anna! I loved what we were doing, every second of it. You have to believe me."

Anna recoiled from her touch. "Then why would you do that to me?" she asked. "Why would you leave me like that?"

Elsa looked into her eyes.

No lying. I have to tell her the truth.

"Because you were ready and I wasn't," she said, looking down. "I thought, if I stayed, you might try to…pay me back. I just tried to…satisfy you. So you could be happy."

Silence fell. Anna stared at her, mouth open.

"I'm sorry, Anna," she said.

"Is that…all that you thought I wanted?" Anna began.

Her voice turned harsh. "A quick fuck?"

Elsa looked up, staggered. Anna never used such harsh language.

"Those kisses, those dates, the cuddling – you didn't think that meant anything to me?" Anna continued, growing louder. "That I was just using it all as a means to an end?"

Elsa took a step back. "No, Anna, that's not what I'm saying…"

"Well, that's what it sounds like to me!" she shouted, advancing on her. "Silly little Anna, all she wants is for her sister to make her cum. You'd better satisfy her quick, so you can stop pretending to care about her feelings! All that time you spent, pretending to enjoy spending time with her – it must have been exhausting!"

"It's not," insisted Elsa, getting desperate. "I enjoyed it, all of it. I love you, Anna. You know that."

"Of course you do!" she shouted, surprising Elsa with her alacrity. "And I love you too. Do you really think, after all that we've been through, I could forget that?"

Elsa said nothing. Anna turned her back on her.

"But it seems you don't respect me, that's for damn sure," she said.

Elsa slumped her shoulders, finding no words to defend herself. Anna was in pain, and it was all her fault.

"I'm sorry, Anna," she said again. "I never wanted to hurt you. I'll do everything I can to make this right."

Anna turned around. Her face was contorted into a mask of forced calm.

"Here's how this is going to work," she said, her voice unnervingly tranquil. "You're going to leave, and I'm going to think long and hard about where we go from here. Maybe a couple days, maybe weeks. During this time, you are going to leave me alone, absolutely and completely. And maybe, just maybe, when I'm done thinking, I'll decide to forgive you, and then maybe we can go back to where we were before this whole thing started."

Elsa's heart throbbed. "And…if you don't?"

There was silence. Elsa looked into Anna's frighteningly calm eyes, trying to read her expression.

"You locked me out for 15 years, Elsa," she said. "I promise I won't take that long."

Her heart stopped.

Oh my god, what have I done to her?

Anna stepped to her side, gesturing towards the door. "Now leave," she said.

But Elsa wouldn't move. She couldn't leave her, not like this.

"No, Anna, I'm not leaving you."

"Now."

"Please, we have to work this out-"

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" Anna screamed.

Elsa stepped back, as if she had been struck. Anna stood there, fury boiling in her eyes.

It was as if a haze had descended over the whole world.

This isn't happening. This can't be happening.

She turned towards the door, refusing to believe that what had just happened was real.

She took a step. Then another.

Then, as if some cosmic force snapped its fingers, everything came crashing down.

She collapsed, falling to the ground. By the time her body hit the floor, she was sobbing.

I ruined it. I had the best sister in the world, and I ruined everything we had together.

The tears poured out, and no force on earth could have stopped them.

xxxxxxx

Anna gasped, clapping her hands to her mouth.

What am I doing? I don't want this!

She flew to her sister's side, the anger that had clouded her judgment dissolving like smoke.

She kneeled down. "Elsa! Elsa, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to go that far!"

Elsa offered no response, continuing to cry.

"Please, Elsa, I didn't mean what I said, I was just mad!" she said desperately.

"No!" Elsa wailed, voice filled with grief.

The word wrenched Anna's heart. "Please, you have to listen, Elsa! I don't hate you!"

Elsa gave no indication that she heard her, still sobbing.

Oh god, I broke her heart!