Chapter 113: Anger and Forgiveness
It wasn't long before they were back in Hollow Bastion, Namine with a bag of clothes for herself, Kairi currently carrying a change and an extra of Riku's clothes.
"Just… set them on the couch, for now, I guess," Aerith told her. "It's not like he'll be able to change into them until he's awake, anyway."
Nodding, Kairi did as instructed.
"Is he… gonna be okay?" Namine asked, slowly.
Kairi looked up from her task to try and get a look at Namine's face, but at this angle, there wasn't much to see. She looked to Aerith and Leon instead, both of whom looked more confident than they had when Kairi and Namine had left, at least.
"He'll be fine," Leon said, nodding. "He just needs some rest."
"How long, do you think?" Kairi asked. "'Til he wakes up?"
Aerith shrugged. "There's no way of knowing for certain. Probably a couple of hours."
Kairi nodded to herself, and also to acknowledge that she'd heard. A couple hours…? No, they said he was okay, so he was okay. It was going to be fine.
"Oh, good, you're back!" Tifa's voice. She was walking into the living room from the dining room, currently wearing what looked like borrowed clothes. "Kairi, Namine… can I talk to you two? Outside, preferably."
Kairi raised her eyebrows in surprise, then scrunched up her face a bit in skepticism. What could Tifa want? Still…
She exchanged looks with Namine. Namine shrugged like she didn't mind.
"Alright, sure," Kairi said.
"Just one sec." Namine plopped her bag on the couch next to Riku's clothes, and next to Kairi's bag. "Okay."
So, they headed outside. Tifa led the way, not that she led them far, just far enough away from the house that presumably they would not be overheard.
"Listen," Tifa said, resting her hands on her hips. Kairi didn't like the way her face curled like she was about to do something she thought unpleasant. "About earlier? What you said, about Sora."
Kairi's face went blank, anger roiling in her chest.
"What about him?" she snapped, sharp, bitter. She crossed her arms over her chest, eyes slowly narrowing in a death glare for Tifa.
Namine eyed Kairi, looking uncomfortable, but she didn't say anything. Meanwhile, Tifa's expression grew a lot more knowing and unsurprised, though there was still that hint of displeasure in it.
"I just…" Tifa paused to choose her words, with the impatience of someone who didn't usually do that sort of thing. "I don't think we have enough proof to say it was Sora, who did that. So there's no use getting mad at him."
Kairi laughed. "Oh, so Riku being last seen with Sora wasn't enough? The darkness all over the place wasn't enough?"
"Well—"
"It was Sora," Namine said. Her voice was small, but certain, eyes fixed dead ahead. After a moment she took a deep breath, and turned to Kairi. "But, Kairi, he wasn't exactly—"
"How do you know it was Sora?" Tifa interrupted. She sounded surprised.
"Because I could feel what Riku felt, see what he was seeing," Namine answered, like it was nothing. There was an unsteadiness in her voice though. "I saw Sora do it."
Kairi gestured through the air, an unkind grin stretching across her face. "There you have it! It was Sora." There was a good feeling in her chest, something confident, because she was right. She'd take her pride in that.
"But I don't think he was, exactly… himself," Namine argued.
"He hasn't been himself in a long time, Namine," Kairi shot back.
"That's not true!" Namine's voice pitched upward a little in frustration. "It's been a month or so since I saw him, but- he was doing just fine then!"
Tifa nodded in agreement. "I saw him this morning," she said. "Sure, his darkness was definitely acting up, but we know almost for certain that his Shadow—"
"Darkness tricks!" Kairi interrupted, not wanting to hear it. "Darkness lies, it manipulates, it twists things." She repeated the words like they were a promise. "He was just tricking you into thinking that he- that he wasn't—"
"But he's not," Namine argued, again, stepping in front of Kairi so that Kairi had to look at her. Her eyes were wide and pleading. "Kairi, I know he's not."
"What," Kairi took a threatening step towards Namine. "You get a feeling about that, too?"
Namine's mouth worked for words. She took a step back. Kairi counted it as a victory.
"Well- no," Namine admitted, finally. "I don't get feelings about people who are not Riku, but, but I know that Sora—"
"You saw him, didn't you?" Kairi continued, not giving Namine the chance to breathe. "You saw the grin on his face, the glint in his eyes, the way he laughed at Riku's pain!" Kairi had not seen it today, but she had seen it months ago, and she knew this couldn't be any different. "If you saw all of that up close, how could you possibly think he—"
"We don't know the whole story, Kairi!"
"We know he stabbed Riku in the chest! Isn't that enough?"
"Sora would never—"
"I stopped lying to myself a long time ago, Namine," Kairi spat. She'd stopped lying about Sora, about what had happened to him. It was just wishful thinking to think he would come back, but there was no saving the monster he'd turned into. "It's about time you do, too."
Namine recoiled, stepping further away from Kairi. Kairi told herself it was because she'd lost her confidence. (She didn't want to think about the expression she felt stretched across her own face.)
Sighing, Tifa stepped into Namine's place. She was only a few inches taller than Kairi—Kairi'd always prided herself in her height, too—though she was plenty tall enough to give off the sense of looking down on Kairi.
"You're not the one lying to yourself, Kairi," she said, resting one hand on her hip. "Someone else is."
Kairi's jaw went slack, the rest of her face scrunching up in confusion. What did that mean? It didn't make any sense! Was Tifa agreeing with her, or…?
"I had my suspicions earlier, but, now I'm positive," Tifa continued, shaking her head a little. "It's been a long time since I've seen something like this."
"What are you talking about?" Kairi demanded. Anger boiled in her gut.
"Someone's messed with your head," Tifa answered plainly. "Poured lies into it, twisted your heart so you believed it."
"HA!"
Kairi let out a laugh at the absurdity.
"You said it yourself, didn't you?" Tifa continued, unbothered. "Darkness lies, tricks, twists things. Did you ever stop to think that, maybe, just maybe, it was you who got tricked? Because, as far as I'm concerned, it sure feels like you're the one who's being manipulated by the darkness."
"Come on, that's low!" Kairi said, not sure whether to shout or laugh some more. Irritation burned in her. "You don't want to admit you're lying, so you're coming up with some crazy nonsense instead—!"
"It's not nonsense!" Tifa snapped. Finally, at least she was showing some emotion.
"Sora's gone," Kairi said, teeth clenched firmly together. She didn't see why Tifa and Namine were clinging so desperately to the idea that it could be any different.
"But he's not gone," Tifa argued, still with that thread of frustration in her voice. She waved a hand through the air. "Someone's just crawled into your head and made you think he is!"
The dream flickered back through Kairi's head. The voice. ("Sora's gone. He's—") No! That didn't have anything to do with anything.
"Kairi, come on," Namine stepped in. "I- I don't understand what's going on, but I know you weren't thinking these things about Sora when I last saw you, so—"
Kairi rounded on her. "A lot can change in a month, Namine!" she spat, her voice shaking with anger. (This was not about Sora.)
Namine flinched.
"Kairi, please, you have to cooperate with me," Tifa said. "Has anything strange happened to you recently? You get a visit from someone you'd never met before?"
Kairi opened her mouth to shout again, but hesitated. She thought of her invisible friend, the boy who she could not see—but, no. He'd been nothing but kind to her. He was her friend, as weird as their friendship was, and she wasn't going to suspect him.
(Something jittery was buzzing in her chest, anyway. If she thought too long about him betraying her she was sure she'd be sick.)
"Or… or anything else," Tifa continued. Her voice was kinder than before, though there was still an edge to it. "Was there a moment, out of nowhere, where you felt like you did earlier? When we stepped into that area of darkness. Was there a moment where… where your skin started itching out of nowhere?"
Kairi thought back to the night she and her dad had got in that fight—the gross feeling in her chest, the way her skin wouldn't stop itching, how she'd felt angrier than she thought physically possible. She didn't want to say anything, but her stomach churned.
Tifa nodded, satisfied.
"Someone's been manipulating you, Kairi," she said. There was no gloating in her eyes. Just sympathy.
"That's—" Kairi didn't know what to say. She wanted to be sick. That jittery feeling she was coming to loathe so much bounced around inside her and she was so so so tired of it. "You- How would you know!" she shouted, grasping for something. "You don't even know me!"
"I know when someone's been manipulated by the darkness," Tifa countered. "Sephiroth did this to us all the time so he could get closer to Cloud. Sora's Shadow probably did it to you, too. He certainly tried with the rest of us this morning."
Frustrated tears burned in Kairi's eyes. She wanted to clutch at her stomach, but she curled her hands into fists instead. "You aren't! Making any sense!" she shouted. Sephiroth? Sora's Shadow? What was Tifa talking about!?
Namine took a few steps back, and then hastily ran for Aerith's house. Kairi didn't know why. She didn't care.
"Listen, Sora's Shadow has made you think Sora's gone," Tifa said, firmly. "He's made you think that Sora can't be saved. He wants you out of the way, Kairi, so he can have Sora."
"That's- that doesn't make any—"
("Sora's gone. You don't have to worry about him anymore."—no no no NO)
"SHUT UP!" Kairi screamed. She directed it at Tifa, leaning forward slamming a fist against her thigh. "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT! UP! You don't know ANYTHING! You didn't see him like I did! You weren't there when he- when—"
It was hard to put into words—because it wasn't like he did anything to her—but the moments swam in her mind as she tried to make sense of them. Hollow Bastion, that first time, with Maleficent. Sora's attitude. The way the darkness clung to him. The way he attacked Riku—last time and this time.
"No, I wasn't," Tifa admitted. "But I know that this is a lie."
"NO YOU DON'T!" Kairi screamed. Her ears buzzed.
"Yes! I do!"
"NO, YOU—"
Kairi stopped at the feel of Namine's hand on her arm—a fleeting touch, just for a moment, before Namine stepped in front of her. She held something in her hands. Kairi's CD player.
She held Kairi's gaze as she slowly, deliberately skipped a few tracks and hit play, before setting it down on the ground. One of the slower songs came bursting through the cheap headphones, quiet, distorted just like it always was, but…
"Dance with me," Namine said, holding out her hand.
Kairi reared back.
"What!?" Her mouth worked for words past that. "Namine, how could you POSSIBLY want to dance at a time like this!?"
"Namine, I don't think you understand what's—" Tifa began.
"Remember how we used to dance?" Namine continued, like she'd heard neither of them. She didn't move, she continued to hold Kairi's gaze. "Back on the islands. When we were afraid but- but we were hopeful, too."
"Namine," Kairi said. Something terrible bubbled, gurgled in her chest. She wasn't sure what would come out of if she tried to speak anymore.
"I think… I think you've lost some of that feeling," Namine pressed on, unwavering. "And I wanted to try and help you get it back."
Out of the corner of her eye, Kairi saw Tifa take a few steps back, as if to give them some space.
Kairi trembled. The music grated on her ears. That jittery feeling whirred angrily inside her, filling her. All she wanted to do was shove Namine away, shout, tell her to back off. But…
She wouldn't do that to Namine. She wasn't going to hurt her just because she was angry. That wasn't something friends did.
So instead, Kairi clutched her hands to her chest and turned away. "No," she said, grinding out the sound.
"Please, Kairi," Namine persisted. "Just one song."
"Namine, I don't want to…"
Namine reached out and grabbed her hands, clearly not taking no for an answer. Already, humming along to the song—she'd never been able to quite learn the words to this one, Kairi remembered—Namine pulled Kairi closer and started swaying back and forth. Her rhythm was a little bit off. It was hard to dance this slow to a song that wasn't meant for dancing slow.
"Namine..." But Kairi didn't know how to continue.
Cheeks hot, that jittery feeling roiling inside of her, Kairi worked for words. Dancing while feeling like this—upset, a little angry, incredibly shaky—was familiar, but she still didn't want to be doing it. She opened her mouth to tell Namine that—
"I know… it's scary…" Namine whispered. "Not knowing whether- whether or not he's gonna be okay."
This, too, was familiar. The words. Swaying slowly back and forth to music too fast for this, hands clasped together, arms around each other. Kairi wondered if Namine was secretly talking about Riku, but, no. She knew better.
"I…" The jittery feeling was still strong inside Kairi, and she still wanted to push away, but she held on.
"I know what Sora did today," Namine continued, the slightest catch in her quiet voice. "I wish I didn't. I wish I knew why he did it. But Kairi, please. I know him. You know him—better than I do! We know he wouldn't do this."
Of course he wouldn't, Kairi knew. Sora would never hurt his friends. Sometimes he forgot about his promises, sometimes he didn't show up places he was supposed to, but he'd never willingly hurt someone he cared about.
Yet, wasn't him hurting Riku all the more proof?
("Someone's been manipulating you," Tifa'd said, just minutes ago. "He made you think Sora can't be saved.")
Kairi swallowed the bile in her throat, squeezed her eyes shut.
Namine kept speaking. "The darkness is… terrifying. I've seen it as- as well as you have. But he wasn't always like this. He wasn't like this the last time I saw him, and- and I—"
She broke off, a hitch in her chest, a sob in her throat. She stopped dancing, dropping her head as if to hide tears, trembling in Kairi's grasp. Kairi looked down, but all she could see was a head of blonde hair, not Namine's face.
So she was left standing there, bewildered, as Namine clung to her and cried.
"N- Namine?" she asked, a hitch in her own chest. "What- what's—"
"I'm- I'm sorry!" Namine gasped. "I'm sorry I- I didn't—I shouldn't left you behind."
Kairi stared, tears burning in her own eyes.
The jittery feeling inside her chest stopped completely.
"I- I- I should've gotten you sooner," Namine continued, hiccupping. "I should've brought you to Castle Oblivion right away."
"Namine—" Kairi began, rapidly turning over their earlier conversation in her mind. She'd said she didn't mind, hadn't she? She may not have exactly meant it, but—Why was Namine bringing it up now? Why was…?
"Because- because if I'd gotten you, then- then you would have seen Sora. You would have seen he was alright." Shoulders hunched and head down, Namine gripped Kairi's hand like it was a lifeline. "Because if- If I did, then- then maybe none of us would be in this mess. Because—"
Kairi's chest wrenched, an entirely different terrible feeling settling in her gut. Had she made Namine feel like this? Her mind span for words to fix this, because this was wrong wrong wrong, this wasn't Namine's fault.
"BECAUSE IT WAS! A REALLY AWFUL! THING TO DO!" Namine shouted. "I- I shouldn't have left you behind! I'm- I'm so sorry."
"It- it's…" Kairi tried.
But it's fine didn't feel like the right thing to say. It wasn't fine. Forgetting all the pain and bitterness she'd felt for being left behind was all Kairi wanted to do, but trivializing it wasn't fair. And dismissing Namine's guilt with an offhand it's fine wasn't fair either.
"I… " It took some effort to say, because it was weeks and weeks of pain to let go of, but…
"I forgive you," Kairi told Namine, tears burning in her own eyes.
Namine looked up, eyes wide in disbelief.
"You mean it?"
Kairi nodded.
"Of course I do."
Grinning, relieved, Namine threw her arms around Kairi and hugged her tight.
Tifa let them have a few moments, but then she cleared her throat.
"Alright, I hate to be a party pooper," she said. "But. About Sora…?"
Kairi pulled away from Namine, scowling a little. Had Tifa really needed to interrupt? At least Namine looked similarly grumpy—or at least a little upset—about this, too.
"Oh geeze, really?" Kairi asked, glaring (more with annoyance than with anger). "Still?"
The jittery feeling filled her chest again, but it was… significantly weaker than it had been.
Tifa just shrugged, looking only the slightest bit apologetic about this. "Unfortunately," she said. "I'm not entirely comfortable letting you go until I'm sure that—"
Kairi turned away. "Look, it's just. A lot to process, okay?" she interrupted, rubbing at her arms. She bent down to turn off her CD player, mainly to buy herself some time. To think it over a little more. Surely, Tifa would want a better explanation. Kairi hardly knew her, but she could not imagine Tifa being satisfied with just this.
"Aha!" Tifa sure sounded triumphant, though. "So we are getting somewhere!"
"Well, I mean," Kairi glared at Tifa again. She definitely did not feel as angry as she had earlier, nor did she feel the urge to change the subject quite so strongly. That didn't make her any less annoyed, though.
"You still want me to believe I was being manipulated by darkness?" Kairi asked. "That seems so…" She wasn't sure how to describe it, just that it made her queasy. "I mean, come on, I would have known, right?"
Tifa shook her head. "Ehh, most people don't. That's, like, why it works."
"Oh." That would make sense.
Kairi looked down to wrap up her headphones. Something to stall. To give herself more time to think it over. She was so sure that… It…
It was hard to shake the certainty, she'd held. Hard to shake the feeling of Sora's gone, Sora's gone, he's never coming back. She was sure Namine wouldn't lie to her, and maybe Tifa had a point, but she still…
"So… you believe us?" Namine asked, bending so her face came into view before Kairi's. There was a hopeful gleam in her eyes.
"I… I dunno," Kairi said.
She got significantly less jittery when she tried to wrap her head around it, but it was still like she couldn't quite accept it. She'd spent so long sure that Sora was gone…
"I wish I had a little more proof," Kairi admitted, with a shrug. "It's not, um- it's not like I think you're lying," she added hastily, not wanting Namine to get that idea. (She couldn't care less about Tifa.) "But it… He stabbed Riku, right?"
Namine paled a little. "I mean… yeah…" she said, slowly.
"Why did he do that?" Kairi pressed. "Why- why would he do that, if he wasn't consumed by darkness?"
She felt… shaky. Not jittery—it was shaky of a different kind, a kind she remembered. She recognized the feeling. A little bit a fear, a lot of worry. Worry about Sora, again. It was a weight in her chest, and it wasn't exactly welcome, after so long of not having to shoulder that weight.
Tifa sighed.
"I suppose we can ask Riku about it when he wakes up," she said, "but he's definitely not going to know everything. So unless we can find Sora and ask him…" She shook her head, something on her face that Kairi couldn't read.
Then she met Kairi's eye, determined. "Listen. My best bet is his Shadow had something to do with it. So it's not entirely Sora's fault."
Kairi narrowed her eyes.
"His… his what?" she asked, bewildered. "You keep bringing this shadow guy up but, like. What's a shadow?"
Tifa sighed again.
"I guess we have a lot to explain. Let's head back inside." She nodded in the direction of the house. "Might be nice to have some help with this."