It's dark and cold, colder than I was before.

It's August 9th, 2016.

Except this time- this time it's not just a delusion. I feel the details of August 9th, 2016 with painful realism because this time, it's not just an echo of reality or an outcome that could have been. This time it's right. This time, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Where I was.

I'm in the passenger seat of Dante's Volvo. He has one hand on the steering wheel, and he's going way faster than he should. We're arguing, but the words don't matter. All I know is what's coming, and now that I know I hate myself for not noticing the blue Jeep speeding towards us on the highway to hell. The scene plays out with painful accuracy. It is because of me that Dante turns his head to defend himself. Because of me that Dante looks up too late to see the Jeep, feet away from his dashboard, and swerves at the last second.

We are airborne. The car slams against the ground, and it shakes every bone in my body. My head is screaming and my arm is twisted and pinned beneath my body. That doesn't matter. Dante's form is pressed against the steering wheel, and his head is tilted to the side at an angle that makes my stomach turn.

I can barely see or think, because my brain is yelling at my body to go into shock because if I see much more of this horror, I won't be able to survive it. I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. My stomach is acid and when I see the blood trickling down Dante's neck I feel bile rising in my throat. Shut down, shut down, my brain signals frantically, but my body won't let me, it's like it's forcing me to stay alive to punish me…

I hear footsteps approaching and the door clicks open. I start shouting and crying and begging, please please help my brother is dying.

I feel myself cross over the line from reality. I know what's supposed to happen next, but it doesn't.

Instead, I hear Caitlin say, "Get up."

Cisco was limp on the ground, crumpled on top of the pathway of ice. Caitlin bent down beside him, and the cold part of her brain whispered, put him out of his misery. No, she whispered back, and pressed her fingers against his neck, feeling around for the carotid artery. There he was.

"Caitlin?" She turned her head and saw Barry, standing up now. His face went ashen. "What did you do?" he shouted, and raced towards her. He crashed to his knees and grabbed Cisco's shoulders, and Caitlin saw the heartbreak and fear all over his face.

"No, it's okay," she said, and when he didn't hear her, grabbed his shoulders. "Barry!" she shouted, and he stopped crying. "I just- he's just knocked out. I was saving your life."

Barry stared at her, and swallowed hard. "Oh," he managed, and touched the hair above his ear. Caitlin grabbed at her hair- blonde.

"Oh," she whispered, and Barry stared at her wildly, as if he weren't quite sure whether to let his guard down. "Are my eyes-"

"Not anymore," Barry said, and seemed to relax. "You didn't let her out. You're still you. You controlled her."

"I found the strength I needed," she said, looking down at Cisco. "I had to."

Barry nodded. "You saved both of us."

Her throat tightened. "We need to get him down to the med bay," she said automatically. Barry nodded and scooped Cisco up in his arms.

Caitlin stands by my side, and I feel her eyes watching me. I stare at Dante's car, upside-down and crushed.

"This is the first step," she says. "Recognizing how you feel, I mean."

"I didn't-" My stomach hurts. "I didn't realize I felt this guilty."

"That's because you didn't let yourself think about it," says Caitlin. "You blocked it out and pushed it down, so it festered."

"It's not just me," I say. "I blame him too."

"That's true," she says. "And you can be as angry at him as you want, but make sure it's because you blame him, and not because you blame yourself."

She walks toward the Blue jeep, parked in the middle of the road. I follow her and watch as she opens the driver's side door. Barry sits at the wheel, hands clenched over it, a tear streaming down his face.

"I do blame him," I say. "It's his fault. He caused this. I know why he did it, but he's not the only one who's lost someone. You didn't do anything like that when Ronnie died. I could have vibed back and saved Dante myself, but I didn't."

"No," she says. "He made a mistake, and we're all dealing with the consequences. It's not fair, but he can't change it. None of us can."

"He wishes he could," I say, staring at the tear on Barry's cheek.

She nods. "You don't have to let that be enough, but you don't have to let it ruin you, either."

"It's hard," I say. "It hurts so much."

She nods, and glances at my chest. "Maybe it would help if you took that out."

I glance down and see a twisted piece of metal embedded partway in my chest, surrounded by a large crimson stain. "It's in too deep," I say. "It's right above my heart. I could die if I try to take it out."

"That's a risk you're going to have to take," Caitlin says.

Caitlin stared at the heart monitor anxiously. His vitals were too low, too slow.

"What did you do, exactly?" Barry asked in a hoarse voice.

Caitlin shook her head. "I just knocked him out," she murmured, but she knew that something was wrong. He was taking too long to wake up.

The moment she thought that, the heart monitor started beeping and Cisco started seizing. Barry leapt to his feet.

"Do something," he begged.

"Hold him down," Caitlin instructed, and they did. She turned to her shelves and filled up a syringe. She was about to inject him when she heard the dull tone of the flatline.

"Crash cart," she commanded, her voice level. Barry grabbed the crash cart and pulled it over to the cot. Caitlin vaguely heard voices and she supposed that Wally and Harry must be there, and maybe Iris, but she shut it out. She ripped Cisco's shirt off and grabbed the paddles.

"Clear," she said, to no-one because no-one was listening, and pressed them against his chest. The tone of the flatline droned on. She leaned over him and started compressions.

"Caitlin, I'll die," I say. "I'll bleed out. You should know that."

She nods. "I do. I also know that it's puncturing your aorta. You won't survive if you leave it in, either."

"Why does it have to hurt so much?" I ask, staring at the blood on my chest.

"It doesn't," a voice behind me says. "Like she told you, there's always another way.

I recognize the voice before I turn around. Dante stands behind me, whole, unharmed.

"Vamonos, hermano," he says quietly. "You can save me. Save me, and it will stop hurting, I promise."

I stare at my brother with tears in my eyes. "You're dead," I say shortly.

"I don't have to be," he says with a smile. "You can save me. Dios me llevó lejos, pero

tú puede tomarme de nuevo." God took me away, but you can take me back.

I step forward and take in my brother- his face, his smile. Taken too soon.

Dante smiles at puts his hands on my shoulder. "Mírame," he whispers, and touches his fingers to my chest, just above the wound. I feel it numbing as the pain ebbs. "No tiene que doler," he says. "It doesn't have to hurt."

I look up at my brother- my brother -and remember those strong hands protecting me from bullies in grade school. I remember that rare smile he smiled whenever he was proud of me.

I turn back to see Caitlin. "It doesn't hurt anymore," I say.

She nods sadly. "I know. That's why."

I look down and see that the blood around the wound has turned dark.

When Cisco's heart finally started beating again, Caitlin almost cried with relief.

Instead, she hooked him up to an oxygen tube and treated his wounds, and then tended to Barry and Harry. When there was no-one left to take care of and she was still on her feet looking for something to do, Iris forced her to sit down and drink a mug of tea. She couldn't stomach more than a few sips, because now that she wasn't moving and working, her brain had room to process everything that just happened, and it made her feel sick to her stomach.

"What's wrong?" Iris asked, seeing Caitlin's white knuckles on the handle of the mug. "You saved him."

She shook her head, staring at Cisco's form, still save for the subtle falling and rising of his chest. "I don't know if I did. I don't think I did the right thing. I should have talked him out of it, not…" She twisted her fingers in her hair. So very blonde. "When he wakes up, he might be as bad as before, or worse. I didn't talk him down, I didn't make anything better, I just… stopped him." She felt her heart skip. Maybe she'd let her violent side take over. "I thought I needed to stop him, but I think..." she swallowed, hard. "I think maybe that was her."

"Caitlin." Iris leaned forward so that they were eye to eye. "You did everything you could to help him. Pep talks can't always save the day. Somebody has to make the hard decision to put their foot down, and you did. You're stronger than all of us, and that is why Killer Frost-" She said the name deliberately, enunciating every syllable, as if to let Caitlin know that she was not afraid to say it. "-is never going to take over." She squeezed Caitlin's shoulder briefly. Caitlin smiled at her absently. "If your hair bothers you so much, I know a great stylist downtown."

Caitlin realized that she was holding her hair tightly inside of a clenched fist. "How bad is it?"

"It doesn't look bad," Iris said diplomatically, and at Caitlin's skeptical expression, "Honestly, it's cute. Kind of playful. I have a compact mirror if you want to see." Iris fished around in her purse and handed it to Caitlin.

Caitlin opened the compact and stared at herself. She wasn't all the way platinum blonde, but the blonde sections were larger and the rest of it was far lighter than before. Her stomach flipped over and she shut it quickly.

"Caitlin, it's just hair," Iris reminded her. "It doesn't mean anything. All that matters is you, and today, you showed that ice bitch who's boss."

Caitlin smiled at her gratefully, and then saw Barry out of the corner of her eye, leaning against the wall, face still pale. Iris noticed and silently stood up to go talk to Harry. Caitlin turned in her chair to look at Barry. He didn't acknowledge her for a moment, and then spoke.

"Did you mean what you said? When you were talking to Cisco, you said that… that I screwed him over."

She blinked at him. "You did," she said bluntly.

He winced. "I know I did. I just didn't know that you agreed."

She felt a twinge of guilt that was quickly stomped out by indignance. "You did screw him over, Barry. You had your reasons, but he has every reason to be angry at you. This was a little extreme, but he is justified in his anger, and it's going to take a lot for you two to heal that."

"I'm trying," he said in a frustrated growl. "I know I messed up. All I can do is try to fix it."

"You can't," Caitlin said, and he got that wounded look again. "All you can do is be better, but you can't make him forgive you."

Her gaze drifted to Cisco, young-looking in his sleep. Barry moved and she was conscious of him sitting down next to her.

"I can't believe we let it get this bad," he murmured.

"Me either," Caitlin said softly. "I guess sometimes it has to get worse before it can get better."

I stare at the dark blood on my chest. "What's happening to me?"

"That's what poisoned blood looks like," Caitlin says. "That's the only way for it to stop hurting."

I shake my head. "I don't want this."

"Cisco, once you do it, you won't care about that anymore," Dante says. "You might regret it now, but once you make the decision, you won't regret it a bit. You won't feel a thing."

It's tempting, so tempting. I look back at Caitlin.

"The pain is unbearable, isn't it?"

It is. It always is- I'm used to pain. I've been in pain since Dante died.

Maybe it's time to stop.

"Lo siento, hermano," I whisper, and turn my back on Dante. I grasp the shrapnel and yank it out, and I collapse to the ground. Caitlin is holding me in her arms and she smiles down at me.

"I'm so proud of you," she says. "I knew you could. I told you you were strong."

"I'm bleeding," I gasp. "I can't- I can't breathe."

She nods. "That's how you know you're human." She presses her hand against my chest and then lifts it up so I can see it. Her palm is stained scarlet. "This is how you know you're alive. Life is pain. You have to feel pain to be human. And despite your best efforts, you still are."

I stare at her and pull away. I suddenly have the strength to stand on my feet, and I do. Caitlin stands with me.

"You can come back," she says. "But when you do, it will still hurt. It won't stop hurting."

"No," I say, and stare at the blood on my chest. "It won't."

Cisco was awake before he opened his eyes. He heard low voices murmuring around him and the faint beep of a monitor.

"Cait," he murmured, and opened his eyes. Caitlin and Barry sat on either side of him in chairs. Iris stood behind Barry, and Harry leaned against the wall in the background.

"Cisco!" Caitlin leaned over him, her eyes wide with relief. "You're- you're awake."

"Finally," he said, and tried to sit up. Caitlin grabbed his shoulder firmly and pushed him down.

"Don't try to sit up," she said unnecessarily. She glanced at him uncertainly. "How do you feel?"

"I-" he blinked, and then felt a flood of overwhelming guilt as everything came back to him. "Barry," he whispered.

He felt a strong hand on his other arm. "I'm right here," Barry said in a hoarse whisper. "I'm okay."

"You scared us, Ramon," Harry said from the wall. "Welcome back."

Cisco pressed his head against the pillow. "My head hurts," he said.

Caitlin nodded. "You hit the pavement hard when you slipped on the-" She faltered. "On the ice."

He grabbed her hand. "Thank you for stopping me. Are you okay?"

Her lips curled in a soft smile. "I think so."

"How do you feel?" Harry asked. "Are you hallucinating still?"

Cisco looked around the room carefully for any sign of Reverb. "No." He glanced down at his hands- not shaking. "I feel pretty normal, actually."

"That's ironic, seeing as you just died," Iris said from behind Barry.

"I died?" He looked at Caitlin quickly, and she nodded confirmation. "Again?"

"You should stop doing that," Caitlin said, and her lip trembled. He wished he hadn't seen that. "You've filled up your quota."

He stared at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed. "Barry," he said without looking at him. "I'm sorry that I tried to kill you. But I still don't- we aren't-" He trailed off.

Barry nodded. "I know. That's okay. We can talk about it later, or not at all."

Cisco shook his head. "We have to talk about it. Just not… just not right now."

He stared up at the ceiling and tried to numb the pain in his chest. He heard Caitlin say, "He needs to rest," and Barry and Iris trailed out of the room. Harry lingered at the wall a moment, nodded at Cisco fondly, and then ducked out of the room. Only Caitlin remained.

He pressed his fingers against his chest, expecting to find a piece of shrapnel or a wound, but there was nothing there. He rubbed his fingers against the phantom pain.

Caitlin noticed. "Does something hurt?" she asked in her doctor voice.

Cisco nodded. "Everything." Caitlin seemed to catch his meaning, because she sat down on the edge of the cot and grasped his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were in that much pain."

"Neither did I," Cisco said. "That doesn't mean that what I did was okay."

Caitlin shook her head. "You were in pain. None of us helped you."

He shook his head. "It's not just that. I saw my dark side, and I liked it." He paused. "Maybe I didn't like it, but I liked it better than the alternative. I thought it would be better than feeling weak, but I couldn't even do it. I hated Barry. I think I still do. But I still couldn't kill him."

"That's because you're a good person." Caitlin rubbed his shoulder. "You always will be. It's just who you are."

"I could have been like him," Cisco said. "Reverb, I mean. He didn't care about anybody. That's why he was so powerful, because there was nothing else there. I was so close to letting go."

"I've been there," Caitlin said softly, and tilted her head to look at him. "The only thing that stopped me was… you." She gazed at him and he saw something indefinable in her eyes. "What stopped you?"

"You did," he said instantly, and she raised her eyebrows at her assuredness. "Barry's hurt me badly enough that I could rationalize it, in my head. But there was no rationalizing it with you. It wasn't even an option. If I let go of pain, I would have to let go of you, and I can't do that."

"You don't have to let go of me." She squeezed his arm. "I'm right here."

"I know," he said, and pulled away slightly. "What am I going to do about Barry?"

Caitlin sighed softly. "I don't know. I don't know how to fix that."

"You can't," Cisco said bluntly. "I don't know if I can."

"You don't have to," she pointed out.

"He's trying. He feels bad."

"That's not enough."

"No," Cisco agreed. "Maybe I should give him the chance to try, though."

"But not for him," Caitlin said. "For yourself."

They were quiet for a long time, and when Cisco realized she wasn't going to leave, he rolled over to the side of the bed. She understood the invitation and slid onto her back. They laid there on the cot, shoulder to shoulder, staring up at the ceiling.

He rolled over onto his side to look at her. "You haven't forgiven him either, have you?"

She stared at him for a moment, chewing her lip, and then shook her head slowly. "No. Not yet. But I'm trying, because I know that it'll just hurt me."

"It hurts you more than it hurts him." He remembered the shrapnel in his dream.

She nodded. "I know. That's why I stopped you. I couldn't stand to see you do that to yourself, because I know that's not who you are."

He looked at her and felt his heart skip. She looked as exhausted as he felt.

"Cait?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm really tired."

"Me too." She laid her arm over his shoulders and pulled her to him. "Let's rest. We'll feel better when we wake up."

He closed his eyes and nestled his head against her shoulder. He felt her heart beating against his, the rise and fall of her chest, her breath on his nose.

"Cait?"

"Hm?"

"Things aren't going to go back to normal, are they?"

"I don't think we have a normal to go back to, but maybe that's okay. I'm not sure yet."

"I promise I won't do that again. I mean, I still… there are still things I need to work through, with Barry, with myself."

"That's okay."

"I know. I just wanted to say… thank you. Not just for saving me, but for being what you are to me for so long. You wouldn't have been able to get through to me like that if you weren't… you mean everything to me."

"Everything?"

"Yeah. Is that okay to say?"

"More than."

"Thank you for giving me something to hold on for."

"Thank you. For being the strength I needed."

"How's that again?"

"Remind me to tell you when I'm not so exhausted.

"Mkay. Let's get some… whoa. Those- those are your lips."

"They are indeed."

"I have lips too."

"I'm aware. They're very nice ones."

"I feel like this isn't the right time for this."

"No, it's not."

"But maybe soon?"

"Soon."

He didn't feel instantly okay. But maybe it only took an instant to realize that he would be.