Chapter 129: Old Wounds

He didn't tell his feet where to go. His feet just took him there. He was too busy scolding himself to even notice. It was lucky there was no one else wandering the halls at the time, or he might've run into them.

Stupid! Riku thought. You can be such an IDIOT at times!

He continued to run, feet weaving through corridor after corridor without second thought. Tears were stinging in his eyes. He hardly noticed them.

What is wrong with you!?

It was not just his own voice asking, but the voice of countless others, too.

The memories he had buried, pounding away at his head as they resurfaced. Old pains, old nightmares, coming back to him, haunting him as he ran. And the voices—

You just screwed up again!

Can't you do ANYTHING right!?

He squeezed his eyes shut, stumbling as he ran, but he didn't stop.

How had this happened? Why couldn't he control himself? How had he not learned to keep his dumb mouth shut when he needed to?! And why was it just a single lightning bolt could dredge up all the bad memories, could send him spiraling into a mess he couldn't control? What was wrong with him!?

They wouldn't stop, either. The memories.

Larxene's laugh still rang in his ears.

"Maybe THIS will teach you a lesson!"

"Ah, wait- there is still the matter of punishment—"

"Aw, does it hurt? Good."

Always laughing. He hardly ever saw her angry, though the few times he did were possibly the most painful memories. Possibly. He wasn't sure. The pain blurred everything. The pain—

His eyes flew open as he staggered to a halt. He stared at the sight that he was presented with in shock.

This was the corner—his corner—that he'd so often retreat to, back in the other universe, when he needed to be alone. Well, when he needed to cry, usually, since he couldn't do that anywhere near the Organization. This was the place he'd come to after a fight with Sora, wounded and bloody, to regain his strength. This was the place he'd crawl to, broken and angry, after the cruelest of Larxene's beatings. This was where he'd sit and wait until the pain was gone. This was where he'd bang his fists against the walls and demand to know why the worlds were so cruel to him.

Of course, things had gotten better.

Things had gotten better.

But he didn't feel any different.

He slowly sat down, back against the wall, and drew his knees to his chest, hugging them tight. After a moment he flickered in dark mode; the old familiarity, that extra layer between him and the rest of the world. Not that it made the pain hurt any less…

The pain…

He shuddered all over.

It's been ages. Ages since I've faced this much lightning. Ages since I've been anywhere near her—

Was that even true?

Even if it had been ages since he'd seen Larxene, there were still apparently somewhere around 25—well, less than that, now—Replicas of her walking around, each serving as a constant reminder. And even if it had been ages since he'd experienced the full extent of Larxene's abuse, it wasn't like she'd left his life. And it wasn't like lightning had completely left his life, either. The Larxene Replicas all had control over it, and most everyone at Hollow Bastion knew some basic form of Thunder magic. Not that there'd ever been any stray Thunder magic that had hit him, but… even just the sound brought memories back.

He hugged his knees tighter.

He'd tried to bury it for so long, but it was… frustrating. It had been ages and ages and he should be over it now. It wasn't like she could ever hurt him again! So why did it still cause him such agony? How could a single bolt of lightning still make him break so violently?

And it wasn't just lightning.

Someone's hand on his arm could set him off just as easily.

How did he end up this broken?

I thought I'd gotten better. I thought I'd gotten stronger. But—

I haven't changed at all!

The terrible truth and realization made him want to vomit.

I'm still scared to death of her! I have no reason to be but I am and I…!

He pressed his fists into his eyes, burying his face in his knees. He couldn't stop the tears from falling, couldn't stop the violent sobs that took him. It made him feel disgusting and weak but he was terrified—and that made him feel disgusting, too. He had no reason to scared. She could literally never hurt him again. So why wouldn't it stop?

"Riku?" came Namine's voice, from the doorway.

He went very rigid. He didn't move, didn't look up.

He had to stop crying. He had to get that under control. She couldn't see him like this! She couldn't see him acting so weak!

He had to stop crying.

He had to be strong.

He couldn't—

"Oh thank goodness I found you, I was so worried!" Namine cried, and he heard her run over. He looked up enough to see where she was, see her plop to her knees; next to him, in front of him, a little to his right. She held her hands out, hovering like she wanted to touch him. She didn't, which he was grateful for.

(But it was a stupid thing to be grateful for, and it made him burn.)

"I… I…" Namine seemed to fumble with her words. "Are you okay? Riku, please…"

He dared to look up at her again—worry was painted in her pale blue eyes, lip trembling as she watched him. She was worried about him. Genuinely worried about him. It was such a strange, unfamiliar feeling…

He turned his head away sharply, hugging his arms tightly to his chest.

You should drop Dark Mode, whispered a bitter voice in the back of his mind. At least, if you intend to trick her into thinking everything's fine. Wearing that's just gonna tip her off.

But could he do it?

Abandon what was like a second skin to him? The only thing that comforted him when he was weak? The only thing that protected him from the cruel world around him?

Could he face the world unarmored, vulnerable?

No.

But he didn't want to face the world.

He didn't even want to face Namine.

(The thought of explaining still made him want to vomit.)

"I'm fine," he said.

Namine was silent for a moment, then he heard her shift, felt her sit down beside him. He glanced over at her for just a second—she sat with her legs folded under her, close, a little facing him.

"You're not fine," she whispered. Her eyes were closed. She wouldn't look at him. "I'd like to know why."

Riku took a shuddering breath.

"I mean, I guess—" Namine said, then sighed. She opened her eyes to look at him now. "I guess I shouldn't make you talk. But I'm. I'm so worried about you, Riku. I just want to help."

"You can't," he told her.

She hesitated.

"Are you sure?"

He glanced over at her again. The worry in her eyes was still hard to get used to. The way she considered him like she actually cared that something was wrong—She'd given him this same look, just days ago. She and Kairi both (and it had been weird, to see it from Kairi, too!) had looked at him like this, when they'd almost talked about the same thing.

He was grateful Kairi wasn't here, because she would have pried an explanation out of him by now.

But then, as soon as he thought that, he found he missed her terribly, even if it had only been hours since he'd last seen her. He forgot how nice it was to have her around.

"Riku," Namine said. "Please, I just… I don't like seeing you hurt. Makes me hurt too. It…" She broke off there, shaking her head hard. "Listen. I won't make you talk. But… maybe that'd help? It always helped me and Kairi, back on the Islands… being able to talk to someone…" She pulled at her fingers in her lap, sounding nervous.

He considered her, trembling violently where he sat. He gripped his arms tightly, his dark suit the only thing preventing him from digging his nails into his own skin and ripping it open. A terrible boiling of emotions burned in his chest. Anger and fear and embarrassment, still thinking back to that moment, thinking about the terrible words that had left his mouth and how much Namine knew now—not all of it, but more than he ever wanted her to know. More than he ever wanted anyone to know.

Being scared of Larxene was shameful and stupid because there wasn't anything to be afraid of anymore and- and…

He reached up with one hand, palm against his forehead, fingers knotting in his hair. He took a sharp breath through clenched teeth.

"I just- I'm so tired of being scared of her!" he managed to get out through choked breaths.

"Of who…?" Namine asked, but didn't give him time to answer before she gasped softly, with understanding. "Larxene." It wasn't a question.

A shiver went through his body, a sickness teared at his gut. Riku reached his other hand up to clutch at his hair too, tearing at it a little.

"I hate her so much," he seethed. "I hate her so much and it's so stupid she can't hurt me she's dead she's in another universe but it doesn't stop. It doesn't stop." He rocked a little where he sat, memories bouncing around inside his skull.

"Does… this have to do with you not liking to be touched, sometimes?" Namine asked, hesitantly.

"Sort of?"

He guessed that's where it had started, though that was a separate infuriating beast.

"And… what you said earlier…" Namine began, but it didn't seem like she knew how to finish.

His stomach wrenched violently. There it was. The question he dreaded. The thing he didn't want to explain. How did he get in this mess? He wanted out. He wanted to do anything but have this conversation. He wanted to take the memories and shove them back into some corner of his brain where they couldn't hurt him anymore.

But that isn't getting you anywhere, a part of him nagged. Why don't you just tell her?

I don't want to worry her, he argued back.

She's already worried.

But it hurts too much!

You heard what she said, though, didn't you? Maybe she's right.

Would it help, to be able to share the weight with someone? Would it help, to have it anywhere else but boiling under his skin? He wasn't sure, he felt like he was going to be sick, but… maybe it wouldn't hurt to try.

"I just-" he began. "She—" But it was too much. To take all these moments and memories—getting beaten and yelled at and thrown across the room and pumped full of lightning and—He had to bite the inside of his cheek so the pain and taste of blood would ground him in the present. He was shaking, chest heaving with gasps for air.

"Riku…" Namine put her hand on his shoulder. He tried not to jolt away. "I'm sorry, you don't have to—"

"No, i- it's. It's fine," he stammered. "I- I- I—"

He wanted to tell her. He did. She already knew most of it anyway. It was just hard to translate these terrible, burning memories and turn them into words.

He took a deep breath.

Tried something else, something easier to think about.

"You- you- you know I worked for the Organization, right…?" he asked.

"Yeah."

Her voice cracked a little bit. Riku swallowed.

"Well. I can't say I liked them very much. And I- I did a lot of things they didn't like. And- And—" He curled a little tighter on himself, trembling violently. There was a bitter laugh in his throat, tears burning in his eyes. "Guess who was in charge of punishment."

"Ohhh, ohh no," Namine said, voice thick with understanding. He wasn't looking at her, but he could hear how she cringed.

"I think- I think she enjoyed it," Riku continued, a catch in his voice. The memories of her laughing—always laughing at him, as he screamed—were stronger than everything else, and it was memories of her laughing at him that fueled his hatred more than anything else. "She- she liked watching me suffer. She'd find every excuse just to- just to 'punish' me. She—"

He broke off there, sobbing. It was so much, so much, and he'd said more than enough. Hot anger boiled in him, fury at himself, loathing for her. He pulled his hands away from his head and pounded them against the floor.

"This is why I kill them!" he shouted, trembling. "Because I can't- I can't— I see her face and it brings back all the memories and if one of her stupid Replicas managed to hit me with lightning I'd break down and I can't—they can't see that! I have to take all my fear and turn it into something else because otherwise—"

He'd broken in front of Q, said those horrible things in front of her. And, maybe that was fine, because she wanted to be on their side (he wouldn't let her). But if he broke like that in front of L? What would happen, if he lost control of the situation like that when it actually mattered? The thought terrified him.

Suddenly Namine's arms were around him, and he went rigid for a moment, before he registered it was just a hug and he relaxed into it.

"Riku," she said—just that, like she couldn't manage to say anything else.

He scrubbed at his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I—"

"No, no, don't be," she cut him off. "It's fine, it's…" She stopped there, taking a deep breath. She shook, as she held him, small arms barely able to wrap completely around him and his knees still pulled up to his chest.

There was silence for a moment, and then…

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Namine asked, voice small.

Because it hurt too much, was part of the answer, but there was something more in her question, in her tone. Something that reminded Riku of the way Kairi had said "you should have gotten me anyway". Something that didn't click quite right in his mind.

Namine had to have understood how painful this had been, so why did she still act surprised that he hadn't said anything before now?

"H- huh?" he managed to ask, not sure how to phrase the rest of his confusion into words.

"Riku… Why did you bottle all this up? You- you could have told me, or Sora, or Kairi…"

He turned to her, face scrunched up with his confusion.

"What good would that do?" he asked.

She sighed. "I dunno, exactly…" she answered. "But, Riku… You didn't have to carry this burden alone."

"Wh- What?"

"You really don't get it?" There was an amazing sadness in her voice, and he couldn't understand. "That's what friends do. We help you carry your burdens, so you don't have to suffer under the weight of them all by yourself."

"But- But I…" He swallowed. "I didn't want anyone to know I was weak," he mumbled, lowering his head into his knees again.

"You aren't weak, Riku," Namine said. "You're just hurt."

She pulled her arms away from him just enough so she could get them around his waist, hugging him properly. She buried her face in his shoulder, squeezing him tight.

"I- I…" Riku stammered, not sure what to do, exactly.

So he cried.

It still didn't make a lot of sense, what she said, what Kairi said. He didn't really understand this whole idea of sharing a burden, couldn't really say that telling Namine these things actually made him feel better. But…

It was nice, he guessed, to not have to hold back the tears. He didn't have to hide them, for fear of them getting asked about, because now Namine knew. And it was nice, to let them out, for once in his life, instead of bottling them up.

For that alone, he guessed, this was worth it.

After a while, he'd cried himself dry, and… He was starting to feel a lot better.

He started to pull away from Namine, but she wouldn't let him go. "Namine…" he said, laughing a little, as he tried to pulled her arms off. She only squeezed him tighter.

"Nope," she whispered, a desperate note along with a smile in her tone. "I'm making up for all the times you needed a hug but never got one."

Unsure of how exactly to respond, Riku just hugged her back. He felt pretty sure he was going to start crying again.