Chapter 130: Loathing and Fear

They sat there for a while. It took some time for Riku's nerves to calm completely, and then there was the issue of… he didn't really want to face everyone after what had happened. Namine understood that well enough, she supposed. But she knew they couldn't sit here forever, even if Riku seemed to want to.

"I mean, it's not like you owe any of them an explanation," Namine tried, trying to coax him to leave this spot one way or another.

"I know," Riku sighed, an edge of frustration in his voice. "I just—"

'I don't want them to think I'm weak…'

Namine blinked.

That was Riku's voice. Except… even if he wasn't looking directly at her, she could see his mouth well enough. It hadn't moved. But she'd definitely just heard that.

Maybe it was a memory…? she wondered. There was a thrumming ball of memories at the back of her mind she was trying not to think about—because, she was not going to have a meltdown right now, she refused.

So… maybe it was just a memory. That would make sense.

Still, maybe it was on Riku's mind right now.

"They aren't going to think you're weak," she said, trying to sound casual, as if she was just bringing it up for no reason.

He turned to her, considering her with confusion for a moment. Enough confusion that she wondered if perhaps it hadn't been a memory—but then what was it? She'd heard his thoughts? That was absurd.

(Is it? a part of her wondered, but she ignored it, because yes, it was.)

Finally, Riku scoffed. "'Course they are," he mumbled. "Everyone heard what I said!"

Namine thought that over, frowning. "I'm sorry okay! There, I said it, are you happy!?"—The words he'd screamed. Pretty damning evidence, she supposed, except…

It was also borderline nonsense, if you had no idea why he was screaming it. It had certainly been nonsense to Namine, until she was considering it now in hindsight. And if anyone did have enough idea to perceive it as more than nonsense, then they wouldn't have any desire to press Riku about it.

Honestly, out of the people who'd seen what had happened, Namine suspected only Joseph would be nosy enough to ask for details. But she could handle Joseph, if Riku didn't want to.

"I don't think that's true," Namine continued. "Or, I mean… I don't think anyone's going to think you're weak, just because of that. I really don't."

Riku sighed, turning away again, hugging his knees.

"Doesn't mean I want to explain…"

"Like I said, you don't have to," Namine said, firmly. "I know I kind of made you explain to me, but… the rest of them? You don't owe them an explanation!"

"Hmm…" Riku hummed as he considered that. "Guess you're right. Can we stay here a little longer, though?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

Riku let out a sigh of relief, now. A chill went down Namine's spine, memories boiling in the back of her head.

"Stop crying; it's annoying!"

"Only WEAK people cry."

Larxene's voice, accompanied with a few other scraps of memory.

"Think you could defeat me?"

A rush of anger, burning him as he struck. The anger suddenly fizzled and was quickly replaced by shock, and then fear.

She'd seen this memory before.

"Where'd you ever get a thought like that?"

She never noticed the paralyzing feeling of weakness that accompanied it.

"You're weak."

"Worthless."

"Pathetic."

Namine bit her tongue and pushed the memories back.

No, she told herself, I am NOT going to have a meltdown now. I refuse!

"Do… you know what happened to that Larxene, by the way?" Riku asked, blessedly distracting her. "She leave?"

Namine shrugged. "I… have no idea," she answered. "I ran off after you right away."

Riku nodded, looking a little disappointed.

"Wish I could tell you she was gone," Namine whispered.

"'s okay," Riku said.

The memories boiled harder in the back of Namine's mind.

"Don't provoke her!"

"What are you waiting for?"

So much for holding it back. The wave of memories broke over her, and her breath caught in her lungs, pain shooting through her body. She bit her tongue harder, trying not to scream, afraid that if she did—no no no, those were Riku's fears, not hers.

"Stop it! STOP!"

Laughter.

"Namine?" Riku's voice, worried.

"Did you honestly think you were stronger than me? Don't make me laugh!"

Fear.

Backing up, hitting a wall—

She wanted to scream. Why now? Of all times, why now?

Pinned to a wall.

Unable to move.

Nowhere to go.

"Scared?"

Larxene's voice: cold, and yet amused—thrilled, really. She laughed.

"I guess you should be."

Namine wanted to cry out, reach out to Riku; anything to make it stop. But she had to be strong. She could push through this. She had to.

For him.

He groaned slightly and tried to push himself up. He ached all over. That was probably from being thrown across the room. He summoned his blade to him, preparing to get to his feet and attack—

A lightning bolt hit him. He cried out in pain and dropped his blade.

She hated this.

"Oh, there's no need to struggle," Larxene assured him, her voice sickly sweet. He curled up and bit his lip, waiting for the lightning to pass. Larxene was making his way over to him. He could hear her, even though his eyes were squeezed firmly shut and he could not see her. She picked him up by the collar of his shirt. "Struggling will only make this take longer," she hissed in his ear. Another wave of lightning surged through him, and she dropped him.

He found himself screaming, though he tried to hold it back. Once the lightning had run its course—it took its sweet time about it—he attempted to push himself up and opened his eyes to glare at Larxene. He tried to speak, only to find his voice wouldn't work, despite the fact he had no trouble screaming mere seconds ago.

She felt Riku's arms around her. He was trembling.

Stop, she pleaded. Stop!

The memory didn't listen.

Larxene was watching him struggle, grinning, clearly enjoying ever second. It infuriated him. He tried to summon his blade, only to find it wouldn't come. The pain made it impossible to focus his thoughts enough to will it to him.

The pain—

Namine cried out—she couldn't help it. The pain was too much. The memory blurred into a stream of images and screams, accompanied with a lot of lightning. She thought she felt Riku pull her closer, but she couldn't tell.

The memories settled.

If only they had moved on to a different memory than this one…

"Why- why are-" he managed to gasp.

"Punishment," Larxene explained, simply, her grin widening. "You didn't think you could just get away with what you did, did you?"

"But I- I didn't do anything," he stammered. "I didn't—"

His protests didn't matter.

More lightning hit him.

Every other amount of pain he had felt in his short life quickly paled in comparison to this pain. Every inch of him was screaming in agony. The lightning raged through him, unforgiving, it would not let him BE. He tried to distract himself from the pain, only to find he couldn't. He couldn't focus on anything. The only thing that was real to him was the pain—the endless pain.

The pain dissolved into more memories, more pain, and screaming that assaulted her ears, tore through her, and even though it was just in her head it all hurt. Her body was crying out, just as his was, as if it had lightning raging through it, too. It was all so real. She knew that she was fine, that she was sitting in Riku's arms and miles away from the nearest Larxene, but the pain—

It wouldn't let her be.

It invaded her every thought, every corner of her mind, and the memories just got worse. A continuous blur of excruciating pain, accompanied by laughter and screams and voices though she could not make out any words. It was just noise. Noise and pain and fear. There was anger, and confusion, but fear was the strongest.

She was suddenly aware of tears on her cheeks, and her first thought was:

Can't cry. Crying is weakness, and I can't be weak.

Riku's words, and yet they were her own. It was a notion, a thought, a rule that had been pounded into her mind and there was no escaping it. No denying it. Crying was weakness and that's the way it had always been. It was the way it would always be.

That thought alone made her want to cry more.

But she couldn't cry.

It's not fair! She wanted to scream. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not FAIR!

"Come on—Maybe if you apologize, I'll let up."

Larxene again, laughing, not sounding anywhere near sincere. Namine was beginning to understand why Riku had no qualms about killing her seemingly endless amount of Replicas. She wanted to strangle Larxene herself.

It's not fair, Namine thought, desperately. No one should have to go through this!

The pain in her head reached unbearable, the memories all a blur.

"Just make it stop… Please…"

"I can't, I'm sorry, I can't," was Riku's reply. He sounded like he was in tears. Did he know what memories spun in her head? He sounded like he might. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You just have to hold on. You'll be okay. It'll stop. You'll be okay."

It'll stop.

You'll be okay.

A promise he never had.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair!

"Not fair," she mumbled. "Not fair."

Strong.

Had to be strong.

Couldn't be strong.

She wanted to be strong for him but couldn't—how could anyone be strong under this much weight? How had he managed it for so long?

It wasn't fair.

There was no reason he had to do it on his own—no reason at all—and yet he did. He held all this weight in his chest and it wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair…

Everything faded to black.