Chapter 132: Old Angers
Thankfully, the dark corridor did take them to the computer, though "computer" might not have been the right term. This computer—the entire room, really—was designed with surveillance in mind. One wall was completely covered in screens, each with a different camera feed. The computer screen itself was split into five parts. Four of those five were squares displaying specific camera feeds. The fifth part was a box that Namine assumed was used for the purpose of navigating the system, given its layout. She didn't ask, though, and let Riku do what he needed to.
She leaned against the desk, and absentmindedly stared at the wall of screens. Her eyes picked up details; little things, people she knew, but she gave them no thought. Her mind was on other things.
On Vexen, strangely enough, but…
"I DEFINITELY don't want HIM seeing the footage!"
Riku's words rang in her ears.
They made her mind churn.
Because, it wasn't just this once, wasn't just this moment and these words. It was a million other little moments, stacked up. The thin patience he had for Vexen. How angry Vexen could make him, without trying.
And after all that talk about Larxene, Namine was… worried. Just a little bit.
Not liking the conclusion she was coming to, Namine pushed the thoughts out of her mind. She turned to look at Riku.
He was still hunched over the computer, eyes firmly fixed on the screen, hand on the mouse, clicking every few seconds. His hair was in his face, and it must've been bothering him, because he tried to blow a strand of it out of his eyes. It didn't work very well. Namine found herself smiling slightly. The smile fell, though, once she realized how tired he looked.
He also looked… different. Well, he wasn't different. It was like she was looking at him through different eyes. He suddenly seemed… stronger. Like now that she knew all the pain he had been through, the mere fact that he'd survived it, that he was still living, that he had yet to break—
He was much stronger than she had believed him to be.
And she had never once thought he was anything but strong.
Yes, he had slipped today, but she didn't blame him. It didn't make him "weak" in her eyes. Everyone had the right to slip every now and then. And, even if he had slipped—broken for just a second—he still got back up. He got back up and faced his fears.
Even if it was only just the memory of his fears.
Memories aren't much easier to face than the real thing. I would know. It was brave, what he did. Those memories of Larxene HURT.
She sighed.
Larxene…
It wasn't a pleasant thought.
He's scared of Larxene.
It wasn't that the thought surprised her. It was another thing that seemed obvious now that he had mentioned it. But the thought still hurt…
She frowned, something else occurring to her.
Is he scared of Vexen?
It didn't seem likely.
Yet:
"I have to take what I'm feeling and turn it into something else—!"
Was all that anger towards Vexen just fear expressed in the only way Riku could express it?
Only one way to find out… Namine realized, with a sigh.
"Riku?" she said.
"Mm?"
"Can I ask you something?"
He didn't turn to her. "Yeah."
She hesitated.
No, you shouldn't ask. He's answered enough questions today.
But I have to know…
"Will I distract you?"
Maybe she should wait until they were away from here. Floor 13 wasn't a comfortable place for Riku. It'd be best to ask him questions like this somewhere where he was comfortable, right?
He shook his head. "No. I'm already done, really."
She frowned. "Then what are you doing?"
"Checking nearby cameras. Parts of our conversation might've been picked up."
"Oh."
"What did you want to ask?"
"Well…" She swallowed. She should've thought more about how she was planning to ask the question. "I know Larxene was awful to you—was… the rest of the Organization?"
He went very still.
"I mean? Kind of. Axel didn't care, and Marluxia thought I wasn't worth his time—"
"What about Vexen?"
Riku didn't answer. Namine forgot to breathe.
This was a mistake. She shouldn't have said anything. She should've left it alone.
He slowly turned to her, his expression not only tired, but his eyes pained. "What- what about him?" his voice was rough, like it was hard for him to get the words out.
"I mean…" She should really stop talking. Tell him to forget it; that it didn't matter. "I know how Larxene hurt you, did he—"
—hurt you like she did? But those were words she could not make leave her mouth.
Thankfully, Riku caught on to her train of thought.
"Did he—oh." Riku laughed. "No." He laughed again, but it was surprisingly bitter this time. "He wouldn't have wanted to harm his precious pet project."
"So why do you…" she began, but it didn't matter. He was already answering her question.
"That's all I ever was to him. An experiment." His voice was quiet, but it did not hide his anger, nor his bitterness. "No, he never directly caused me any pain, but—he frustrates me. I don't like him, I have never particularly liked him. He acted like he had big plans for me, then threw them and me in the gutter! And now he goes around acting like he cares about me? Like he's- like, my father, or something? He's not! I hate it!" He pounded his fist against the desk, causing the computer to shake slightly.
Namine reached out to him, ready to tell him at least to get away from the computer before he got the urge to punch or throw something. Thankfully, she didn't need to say anything. He had already taken a few steps away from the desk, rubbing his head in his frustration.
"I'm just an experiment to him. He doesn't need to try and treat me differently!"
"Maybe he's trying to… make up for how he treated you before?" Namine suggested, voice small. As she suspected, it didn't make any difference to Riku.
"He doesn't need to. I know exactly what I am to him!" He was not shouting, but she almost wished he would. This quiet anger—the way his words were coated in hate and bitterness as he spat them—was much more unnerving. "I'm just an experiment gone right. He doesn't need to treat me like I'm his son." That bitter laugh left Riku's lips again, though it had more of an edge to it this time, making it seem angry, too. "If he honestly cared for me like a son, then he would've done something. He would've stopped Larxene!" Riku paused for a second, rubbing his eyes. "That's what parents are supposed to do, right? Keep things from hurting you, comfort you when you're upset—Vexen didn't do any of those things. Vexen just—"
He stopped. Namine suddenly had her arms around him.
"I'm beginning to think that I have a lot more hugs to make up for than I originally thought," she whispered.
He stared at her, still unsure of how to respond to that. "You don't… have to…" he tried to say, but he couldn't make the words come out right.
"Yes I do," she replied.
He tried to argue; she didn't have to do anything for him. However, it was hard to protest against her hugs when he was in her arms. Besides, it's not like there was any point in refusing her hugs.
He wrapped his arms around her, holding her closer to him. She rested her head on his chest. They stood there for a while, not saying anything.
"You almost done?" Namine asked, breaking the silence some time later.
He blinked a few times, not quite following. Then he remembered the computer. The footage. He was deleting footage. Right. He knew that.
"Yeah."
He let go of her. She lingered for a second, but then let go of him, too. She smiled up at him. The smile looked tentative, like she was trying to be reassuring but not positive how to do so. It made him ache slightly. This was all wrong. He was supposed to be the strong one, not her.
He did his best to smile back at her, though it made his chest ache, and then turned to the computer. Only a bit more footage to go through…
He clicked on the next camera feed. After a second, he frowned. He'd already checked this one, hadn't he? He couldn't remember.
It's probably fine. You got all the cameras that were close to your corner. Sound doesn't carry well through the Castle.
Still…
"Embarrassed, are you?"
He froze.
Larxene's voice.
It's in your head… he told himself.
It certainly didn't sound like it was just in his head.
The 13th Floor's finally gotten to you. You should get out of here before it gets worse.
His free hand gripped the edge of the desk tightly.
He could hear Larxene laughing.
Get out of my head!
He bit the inside of his cheek, using the pain to get himself to focus.
This is not going to happen! You are not going to let some stupid memory get at you.
You are a universe and nine months away from that pain, and from her. She cannot hurt you again!
"Scared?"
He clutched his head, bending down until his forehead touched the edge of the desk. His head hurt. Everything was blurry. It was hard to think straight. What was wrong with him?
"What's wrong with you? Can't you do anything right?"
Despite how blurry everything was, Larxene's voice was crystal clear.
Even though it was just in his head.
"Stop…" he mumbled.
Weak. He was weak.
"Riku?"
Namine.
She sounded worried.
"How sweet—since when did you care about him?"
Why wouldn't the nightmares leave him alone?
"He didn't do anything wrong…"
"You- you don't have to protect me."
"Riku, what's wrong?"
She had a hold of his arm, anchoring him to reality. He was grateful for that, but he wished reality didn't make his head hurt so.
"We- we need to—"
Go.
But the word would not leave his tongue.
He clutched his head tighter.
"You heard him. He doesn't need you. You best get out of the way."
That was when the lightning struck, not him, but her. Then he rushed forward, a cry of rage leaving his lips. It was routine. He'd catch her before she fell, hold her until the lightning stopped. Larxene enjoyed toying with him like this.
Not that Larxene could ever seriously hurt her. She was essential; something they could not afford to break.
He wasn't.
And Larxene loved to push him until he broke.
"Riku!"
Namine's voice. Stern. Yelling. Pleading.
He opened his eyes. Namine was holding his face in her hands, looking down at him. Her eyes were filled with worry, anxious—wait a minute.
Looking down at him?
He wasn't holding the edge of the desk anymore. He was still clutching his head, though. But there was something wrong. The world was tilted. There was something pressing against his back. It was—
The floor.
He was lying on the floor.
When had he gotten here?
"What… happened…?" he asked.
"You collapsed," Namine said, slowly. She still looked worried. She sounded worried, too. "Blacked out for a second, too. Are you okay?"
He grimaced, and tried to push himself up. It was hard to do with Namine holding him like she was. He decided he didn't need to sit up.
"Yes," he said. "I'm… tired. Tired."
That was a lie.
He was finding it hard to care.
"Maybe you could use some sleep," Namine suggested.
"I..." Riku began.
He wanted to argue.
But he had said he was tired.
He'd have to admit that he wasn't actually tired if he wanted to argue.
Though… he was tired, now that he thought about it.
Maybe sleep couldn't hurt.
But… the nightmares! a part of his brain cried out, terrified.
"Yeah, I guess sleep would be a good idea," he said, ignoring it.
The nightmares are going to haunt me no matter what, he told himself. Staying awake isn't going to change anything.
He glanced up at Namine.
She pulled away from him. He slowly pushed himself up. His head was starting to hurt again…
Namine reached out to form a dark corridor, but then paused. She laughed slightly. "No sense making you walk," she said, and formed a dark corridor around them instead.
They came out in Riku's room, sitting on his bed. Namine quickly got up so that Riku had enough room to lie down. He flopped down onto the bed, eyes closing almost immediately. He must've been tired…
She slowly headed for the door, hoping not to disturb him—though she doubted he had fallen asleep that quickly.
"Namine?"
Exactly.
She paused.
"Yeah?"
He was pointedly not looking at her.
"You mind staying here?"
She couldn't quite read the tone in his voice. "Sure thing," she said, sitting down on the floor next to his bed. She almost wished she'd asked if she could get her sketchbook first, but something told her that drawing right now wasn't a good idea. So she just sat there for the next few minutes. Riku didn't move. She assumed he had gone to sleep.
"Namine?"
Or he hadn't.
She started to respond, but he spoke before she had the chance.
"You still there?"
The question, the tone in his voice—they made her want to laugh while breaking her heart at the same time.
"Of course," she told him, grabbing his hand and holding it tight. Now he couldn't question whether or not she was there. "I wouldn't leave you."
"Thank you."