Chapter 158: I've got you
"So… now what?" Amaryllis asked.
They were all sitting around a coffee table in the Main Room: Riku, Namine, Amaryllis, Alpha, Vexen, 19, and 29, were, anyway.
Riku and Namine were in their usual spot. Namine was drawing, and Riku had an arm around her, holding her protectively while not interfering with her drawing; something he'd perfected only recently. 19 was sitting on the other end of their couch, looking a bit nervous and literally on the edge of his seat. Amaryllis was sitting in a chair on the other side of Riku, and was currently looking in Alpha's direction. Alpha sat on the couch opposite Riku, and had his laptop in his lap, typing away at it. Vexen sat on the other end of Alpha's couch. 29 sat in a chair adjacent to Vexen, keeping a keen eye on Joseph and Toby, who were not-quite-successfully drilling what Tifa had taught them when they'd last been in Hollow Bastion.
"I'm trying to see if I can hack back into the Program and change the passwords," Alpha told Amaryllis.
"What good's that gonna do?" Riku asked.
"Well, if I change the passwords, then we'll have the Program, and they won't," Alpha explained. "We still have the Main Computer—I didn't move the functions to the external, I only copied them to it. So, we'll…" He trailed off, frowning.
"Not be able to do much without the database," 29 finished, before directing his attention back in Joseph's direction.
"But they won't have the Program, and that's what matters," Alpha said, firmly.
"What about the external?" Vexen asked. "Don't we want the database back?"
Alpha huffed. "One step at a time!"
"We can always send someone to steal the external back," Amaryllis suggested.
"It'll be missed," Alpha muttered.
"So will the passwords," Riku retorted.
"Fair enough."
"How far have you gotten, anyway?" Vexen asked, looking at Alpha. "With figuring out the passwords?"
"Not having any more luck than I normally do…" Alpha said. He sounded miffed.
"Can I try?"
Alpha sighed, and was silent for a long while. "I suppose so," he said, finally. "It's not like you can mess anything up." He snatched his laptop away from Vexen before he could grab it. "Not on my computer, you numbskull! Go work on a different one."
Vexen let out a breath, but got to his feet and headed off to, presumably, locate a computer to start working on.
"So… the Rebellion's not over, then," Riku said, slowly. He grimaced slightly.
"No. Why did you think it was?" Alpha asked.
Riku shrugged. "I just…"
"Want to go home?" Alpha was being rather short for some reason.
Riku just shrugged again. He looked at Namine for help, but she was too engrossed in her drawing to do anything. He sighed. "Maybe it'd be nice… I'm getting kind of tired of this."
"We all are, Riku," Amaryllis said.
"Right…"
"Riku, listen, we can't call it quits just because they have the Program now," Alpha said. "Do you understand what that means for us? Wait, never mind, you don't." He made an annoyed sound and it looked like he might've rolled his eyes. "The Program doesn't affect you, and it doesn't much affect Namine, because she's not cataloged. But, for the rest of us, they can now Rewrite us on a whim. Deactivate us on a whim. We're completely vulnerable, now. We need the Program back."
"Alright, sheesh," Riku muttered. "I get it."
"Do they… even know that they have Main Computer functions?" Amaryllis asked, slowly, as it occurred to him.
"I'm sure 26 will find out soon enough," Alpha replied, curtly.
"Then we should try and get the external back, as soon as possible," Riku said. His fists clenched, and his grip on Namine tightened slightly. She didn't look up at him, but she rested her free hand on his knee to comfort him.
Shocked by the gesture, Riku nearly forgot his frustration. He glanced down at Namine, a smile tugging on his lips. She otherwise hadn't moved, though her drawing had slowed. Whether it was in concentration or due to some other reason, Riku couldn't tell.
"Agreed," Amaryllis said. Riku looked up at him, trying to focus his attention again. "We should send a group out, oh, in a few days? Me and Riku can go, maybe."
"A few days seems like a while to wait, given how dire the situation is," 19 said.
"Well, I figured we should let things… settle down around the World that Never Was before we try anything," Amaryllis replied.
"Maybe we should figure out where the external is, first," Riku suggested. "Instead of sneaking through the Organization's stronghold blindly until we find it." He chuckled. "Is there a way to, I don't know, hack their security cameras and locate it?"
"Alpha?" Amaryllis asked, turning to him.
"…I could do that." Alpha nodded. "Yeah, I can do that."
"Then I say we go after the external once we know where it is," Riku said. "I'm not a big fan of the idea of just snea-" He paused. Namine's grip had tightened around his knee. He looked over at her. She'd gone rigid, and was trembling. "Namine…" he said, quietly.
"I'm- fine."
"No you're not…" He sighed. It'd been so long since the last the last meltdown that he'd almost hoped that they'd stopped. Of course, it was a silly hope, but… He held her tighter.
"Riku please," she murmured.
Riku closed his eyes, let out a long breath, and then opened a dark corridor around them. They came out… sitting on his bed, in his room, he decided. Because his ceiling looked like the sky. And Namine had painted it for him.
"Here, let me take this." He gently pulled her sketchbook out of her hands and started to get up. Her grip on him tightened. He smiled, half-heartedly. "Just gonna set it on the desk and out of the way, alright? I'll be right back." He got up—it wasn't that hard to free himself from her grasp—and started for his desk.
"That's not true," she muttered.
He chuckled, a bit confused. "What do you mean? Of course I—"
You're not a monster.
It was her voice. Reassuring him. Gentle. Comforting. But there was so much pain behind it. Pain and- it was all a rush in his head, now. Darkness scarred walls. Blood. Namine screaming. I'm not a monster right? Of course not. But what a wonderful monster you'd make.
Riku opened his eyes, finding himself on his hands and knees on the floor, panting. What was- was that- was that his nightmares, or was that Namine's meltdown?
Was it both?
His hands curled into fists at the thought.
If Namine's meltdowns were as bad as his nightmares-
Or worse.
He quickly picked up Namine's sketchbook and put it on his desk, making sure to grab the pencils he'd dropped, too, before taking Namine in his arms and holding her tight.
If she held him through his nightmares, then he'd hold her through them too.
"It's alright," he whispered. "You're safe. I'm here and you're safe. It's alright."
Except it wasn't alright.
Not when his insecurities and fears were rolling over him again.
If you're weak, how are you supposed to protect Namine? That's right, you can't.
Can't seem to do anything right—
He had to close his eyes and resist the urge to clutch his head. Flashes of fire, heat, battle. Axel smirking. A surge of darkness—but it was useless. He was useless. He was worthless and weak and couldn't do anything.
He certainly couldn't protect Namine.
Not from this. He couldn't protect her from this.
He couldn't protect her at all.
"Riku, please!"
She sounded so scared.
Why was she scared?
Please don't be scared. I swear, I'm here. I'll protect you.
You can't.
If you're weak, you can't do anything.
If I can't keep her safe what good am I!?
His heart seized in his chest.
Namine was shaking with sobs.
He thought he could feel tears rolling down his cheeks.
"I'm here, shh, I'm here. I've got you."
Can you make it stop?
No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I can't. I can't make it stop, or I would. I swear.
He'd do anything to make the meltdowns stop.
But wasn't that…?
He couldn't tell what was what anymore. Was that his nightmares? His memories? The meltdown? It all blurred together. He wasn't even sure if his thoughts were actually his or not. Was this really what a meltdown felt like? If it was, then he was only more eager to find a cure—some way to make them stop. Any way.
"Riku," Namine choked.
"Shh, I'm here-"
"You need to- to let go of me."
He frowned.
"What?"
"Please!"
Riku didn't protest this time. He slowly pulled away from her, so that his hands were resting on her shoulders. But before he could even say anything to comfort her, she'd moved away from him entirely.
"Namine-"
"Don't- don't argue, Riku!" she shouted.
He pulled his hands back, clutching them to his chest, trying not to feel hurt. He didn't notice that—now that he was nowhere near her—the thoughts had stopped rushing through his head. He was too busy thinking about—
"Namine-"
"Just don't, alright?"
"But-"
"Please!"
He shuddered slightly. No. No it wasn't like that. Namine was just having a meltdown. That was reason enough for her acting like this. Really.
"Riku, I-" Namine began.
"No, don't talk." Riku took a deep breath, counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… in his head. He couldn't help her if he was freaking out. "Here. Lie down." He gently reached out, pushing her down onto his bed. "And just… look at the sky. Isn't it beautiful?" He glanced over at her. Her eyes were closed, but that was fine.
"Riku…"
"No. Just. Lay there. Under this beautiful sky. Don't worry about anything, just…" He sighed. He needed to- "Can I…?" He said, slowly, reaching for her hand.
"Mm."
It wasn't a no, so he assumed she meant yes but couldn't make herself say it.
"You are safe, you know," he whispered, situating himself on the floor next to his bed. The chair was in the other room, and he wasn't sure if Namine'd be too happy about him sitting on the bed. "I am right here and nothing's-" He paused. He couldn't promise she wouldn't hurt. She was hurting right now. "Everything's gonna be alright," he said, instead.
"It hurts…"
"I know."
He knew that better than anything.
"Just, try and rest, alright? It'll stop any time now. I'm sure."
"Riku, I'm sorry."
"Don't be. There's nothing to be sorry about."
"I just-"
"Shhh. Don't say anything. Just listen." He smiled, squeezing her hand a little. "It'll be over soon. It will. I know it hurts and I'm sorry I can't do anything about that but it will stop. I promise. They have always stopped and this one will too. I know it hurts and I know you're drowning—in my own damn insecurities, too—and I feel awful for putting that on you and it really sucks. I know it does. They are the worst feeling ever."
He let out a long breath. He couldn't let himself get too hung up on that. "But even amidst all the pain, the darkness, and my self-doubt…" He smiled. There was happiness in this. "You painted me a sky, Namine."
She painted him a sky, and—
"Even in the midst of all that awful stuff there is kindness. There is light."
He wasn't sure if she was even listening, but he kept talking. Because maybe he could keep her mind off of how much it hurt. Maybe he could make it hurt less.
"You painted me a sky," he repeated. "You held me when I couldn't go on anymore- when I broke down. You held me and comforted me and I wish I could do that for you but- but I can only do so much and it's hard. I try, Namine. I try, but it-"
He paused.
No.
"No, I- I suppose I should be talking about something else." Yes. That would be better. "You should be thinking about happy things, right? Sunshine and rainbows and whatever it is that makes you smile. Drawing makes you smile, doesn't it?" He laughed slightly. He couldn't think of anything else, terribly enough. "What about- what about Joseph? He can get a smile out of anyone!"
Riku swallowed, not saying anything for a second. He looked over at Namine. Her eyes were closed, and she seemed to be in… less pain than before. Whether she was awake or unconscious he couldn't be certain of, though. She was awfully calm if she was awake…
"What makes me smile?" he said, pretending she'd asked. He could do that. He could keep talking like this, regardless of whether or not she was actually listening, because he liked to think it helped.
"I dunno." He shrugged. "Joseph can, sometimes, like I said. He's good at making people smile. But… if there's anything that makes me smile… Namine, it's you. Being with you. Sitting next to you. Laughing together, talking together, even just sitting still while you draw something next to me. Namine, there's- there's nothing I love more."
He sighed. What else was there? He rubbed his face with his free hand. After a moment, he found himself looking up; looking up at the sky Namine painted for him.
"You painted me a sky…" he said, quietly. "And it looks amazing. And… y'know what? You're pretty amazing, too." He smiled again. "You're amazing and wonderful and try and make me smile when I'm feeling bad. You're there for me and you help me when I'm feeling my worst. You're one of the kindest people that's ever been in my life, and-"
He stopped, chuckling to himself. "Listen to me. I'm just… talking. Saying stupid things. Rambling. And…" He sighed and shook his head. "You can't even hear me, can you?"
She looked like she was asleep. Or unconscious. He wasn't sure if he could tell the difference—or which one was the proper term. Regardless, she certainly didn't look coherent enough to understand what he was saying, even if she could hear it. He slowly brushed her hair out of her face.
"It's alright," he whispered. "It'll stop, you know that. We'll make it through this. I promise."