QUESTION 4
Dear Ms. Grace,
My parent's anti-versary is coming up, and I'm starting to get depressed again. My (dead-beat) mother never comes to see me, and rarely even calls. She doesn't even live a frickin' two hours away. Whenever she does visit me, though, I can never get her to talk about anything serious. Like my emotional stability, and all that jazz. Should I just tell her strait, or keep on being quiet like I've always been?
Sincerely,
Teenage Girlie
- - - REPLY - - -
Helloooooooo tHere, TeeNagE Girlie
(GrRrrrR-leeeeeeeee) heh ha
So, you aRe depreSsed? Hmmm. mAYbe i can fix that.
rrrrRRrrrrrRrr... hOW about a joKe?
Knock knock.
kNoCK knocK...
Knock kNock knOCk KNock knoCK knock KNOCK knoCk Knock.
KNOCK!
I'm ouTSiDe your houSe knocking on the WIndOw.
LeT
.
me
.
IN
Ha heh hee hA ha! No, i'M not reeeeeealllly outsiDe but i HopE you Peed your pAnts thiNKing aBout it. Ha.
Dear old momMy soUnds like a
BiTCh.
(or dID you driVe her away - byE bYe - because you WEREn't good enough, hmmMm?)
spLIt Pea soUp with OySTer craCKers
i am goiNG to assume that you are a Good litTle girl who WaS a GooD liTtle daughter (rhyMes with slaughter). Were you? Ha ha Did you maKe your bED and clean yOur plate yum like gOOd little girls in Gotham do?
Were you gOod?
good is
so
BoRIng.
i am gOINg 2 recoMmeND 2 oPtioNs 2 Deal with MomMie dearEst 2 you. YoU get to piCK.
UNO:
If you reALly want to Get The shreW's atteNtion, and you haVe acceSS to lighter FLuid and a box of maTches, set her cAr on FIRE. then when she stands tHere and cries "oh no my car what will I do nOW I have NO car oh woe iS me" you sneAK up beHind her and hit her in the BacK of the head with a 5 iron not a WedGe noT a 3 wooD and dEFinitely not a puTter (am I cleaR here, tEEnage giRLie?) get a 5 Iron from dadDy's golf bAg and
Hit her with a big wHack.
Hi, mommy.
Whack.
It's me.
wHack.
Your little girl
Whackity whaCk whack whAcK
The one you ignore
WHACK
Are you ignoring me now?
Ha hahA heh ha
mmm hmmm ha
it's harD to ignoRe someone Who is swinging a 5 iroN. when yOu get more aCCustomed tO the weigHT of the cLub, you can graDuate to a tire iRon.
Or
ZWEI:
You couLd say NOthing. jUst like whaT you do noW. put a smile on your face (i could Put one on it foR you) and swaLLow your pain, Teenage Girlie. swallow it. Bury IT. hide it. Let it consume you.
Then
one Day
when yOu are sittiNg in your bEIge cubicLe at your 9-to-5 JOB at the Gotham liFe InsuRance Company (robbeD it twICE, so E-Z 2 Do) you will
SNAP
AnD you will pull out a seMIautomAtic from your purse (i maKe a hot NURSE) that you tRaDed sex with a gang Banger to get AND you will moW down everyone: midDle-manaGEment, acCounting and cuStomer serVice as your pain finally comes pouRing out of you,
one bullet at a time.
heh he Ha
Either route wiLL be caThartic and life changing for you.
it just dePends on whether you LIkE the eXpreSSway or the scenic rouTe. Heh ha hahA ha.
Ha
Let me know if yOu plan to torch mommy's car so I can WatCh and roast marshmAllows. Mmm yummy
yum yum
We'll eat s'mores
S'mores
S'
S'
I like apostroPhes in woRDs. thEy looK like buLLets about to sKewer a heLPless letter.
-jokeR
GothaM needs more mArshmallOWs and aPOstrophes and catastrophes. HA!
p.S. Ms. grACe has KickEd the bucket. Adios, farEwell, aufwiedersehen Frau graCE...
-4oC, 2009.07.02