QUESTION 9
. Ahem. Erm. ANYWAY
DEAR BELOVED JOKER, Hi. I like to look at your face. Your face makes me happy. BUAAHAHAHAHA. HAPEE. OM NOM NOM JOKER FACE. THAT RHYMES WITH poker face. I love you.
Much love,
Veronica.
- - - REPLY - - -
Uh, yeaaaaahhhh... hEh
aRe you hOOked up to an oXyGen tanK or soMeTHinG?
I meAN, heh... hA hah, a guY liKe me LiKEs to lauGh, but eVen i don't laUgh quitE that muCh for as LonG as you dO. If you aRE on an oxYgeN tanK, craNK it uP, taKe oFF the MaSK, leT the oxygEN fiLL the rOom uP and LigHT a maTch to SeE what haPpens.
Heh heh... ah, hah ha bOOm ha
fiRe is fuNny
nOt on OxyGeN? HmmmMm, maYBe you'rE just eXcePTionallY gOOd at hoLding your bReath.
ha hAha
iF you aRe, you'LL be VeRY poPular with the BoYs, verRonicA.
Very,
VERY popULaR.
(if you doN't knOW what tHat meaNs, asK youR daDDy.)
and If you'Ve got a sTur-dEE set of KnEE paDs, you can Use that skiLL to climB the coRpoRate LadDer prettY darned FAsT when iT's time to GeT a grOWn-up JOB.
heRe's some aDviCE: to Go uP the chain of coMmanD, you have to be wiLLing tO
go
DoWN.
...hAHa ha HAaaaaaaaAAaaaaaaa... ha,
HA
diGNniTy is the fIrst coMmodity you offLoad from yOur peRsoNal portFOlio if you wAnt to JoIN the rAt Race (BaT faCE), swEEthearT.
...uh, hUh
So, what giVEs? DO YOU ENJoY ABUSING CAPiTAL LETtERS?
SINcE THIS Is AN AdVICE COLuMN, HERe'S A TiP, TOOtS: "CAPS LOCK" KEY - OFF.
M'KAY?
NO oNE GETS TO AbUSE HELpLESS CAPITAL LeTTERS MOrE THAN ME.
...ME...COmPRENDE, CHIQuITa?
WAiT A SECOnD!
MAYBE YoU'RE NOT OVERUsING UPpERCASE LETTERS – MAyBE THIS Is HOW yOU TALK!
NO
WAY
!
O
.
M
.
F
.
G
!
ArE YOU ONE OF ThOSE GIRLS WHO SqUEALS ALL THE TIME AND HABITuALLY COMmUNICAtES IN OVERSTaTED SUpERLATIvES AND ExCLAMATIONS?
oH MY GOD, I JUsT LOVE THAT, IT's THE VERY BeST EVER!
HOw MUCH REfINED SUgAR IS IN YOUR DIeT?
WERE YOU ThE KID WHO ROdE THE SHORT bUS TO SCHOoL AND WORE A HeLMET IN CLASS ANd WAS HARNEsSED TO ThE RADIATOR WITH A LEaSH TO KEEP YoU FROM LICkING GLUE OFF THE ArT TAbLE?
Ha HA HA.
I'M JOkING.
BUT MAYbE I'M NOT!
IT'S HaRD TO DIffERENTIATE WhEN SO MANY WORdS ARE OBNoXIOUSLY CAPITALIZeD, ISN'T IT?
RegardLess of youR pOOr choIce of case tYpe, i'm gLAd you wrote to me. i have been waiTinG for a youNg ladY to eXude the eNThusIasm you Do!
...a GaL who fEEls joy JusT thinKing about me!
...A cHicK who proFesses slaVish DevOTion!
...a madEMoiseLLe who reCogniZEs an ADoNis when she sEEs one!
You'Ve got GrrrrrRrrreat tasTe in men!
hA
WouLd you liKe to shoW me JuST how muCh you LoVe meeeeeeee? HmmmmmMmm?
heAd oVer to GoThaM's maJor cRImes uNit!
AsK to see CoMMissIoner goRDon!
TeLL him, "the JoKer toLd me to teLL you that there's seeeeee fore in the taiLpiPe of every sQuaD car in pRecinCt 32"!
if tHey don'T aRrest you for aIDinG and abBeTting a cRiminal, mEEt me at cLaiRe's boutiQUe at goThAm West EnD maLL at closiNG toniGht so i can caRVe up your FaCe with a shinY maGenTAa metaLLic barRette for thiNKinG that I wouLd reMoTely enJoy a Pun that rhYmes me with a PoP soNg.
yoUr name RhyMEs wiTh a harMoniCa, but i Didn'T rub that in yOur Face, dId i?
(i'd RathEr ruB a knIfe in YoUr faCe. haha hA ha)
-joker
-4oC, 2009.07.12