QUESTION 15

Dear Joker,

So there's this girl. I really like her and I'm fairly sure she likes me back. But. Neither of us can seem to say it outright. How do I get her to talk to me? To... ah, open up? I'm not big with the romantic thing and I figure you must have at *least* a little experience in that area. So, any advice?

3Love,

MissFantasticUnromantic

P.S.

I'm a huge fan and I'd gladly be your hench-wench if you ever decide to ditch Harley (even though I love her so). ;)

- - - REPLY - - -

Heh hEH. Ah... amore.

...

(whAt a wasTe of TiMe)

HeLL-o MissFanTastiCuNnRoManTic,

So, you wAnt to GeT this girL's aTTention… mmmmMm?

...dOn't go tHe suBTLe route.

...Go Big.

ReaLLy BIG.

iN my eXperIenCe, few tHIngs graB a peRson's atTenTion LiKe an eXpLoSion boOm, BooM, bOOM

...(aLthouGh caLLing soMeone a HaIry saCK-SucKeR seeMs to TuRn heAds... hA ha)

and noThInG QuiTe says, "yOu'Re-the-onE-for-me-AnD-iF-i-can't-haVe-you-no-One-eLse-can" LiKe seLf-mUtiLatIon.

RigHt?

sO hEre's What you Do:

. . ! . .

Uno: CuT your wRist. dEEp.

DeuX: wiTh the bLood, wRite the foLLoWing on a PIEce of paPeR: I LiKe you. do You LIke mE? CheCk the boX: (dRaw liTTLe cHeck box-thInGies neXt to each woRd for her To check.)

Yes

No

MaYbe

3: banDaGe your WouNd up pooRLy, and gO get yoURseLf a BaCkpacK (hack! WhaCk!), a LIghTer, an oLd cLoTH and a bottLe of WhisKeY.

Vier: Ask this GiRL to go For a waLK with you, doWn the highBrow (eyebRow?) sTreEt of SoloMon aVenUe in doWntown GothaM on a nIght wheN the weaTher is faIr. (bUt not iF the Bat-sPotlighT is on... beCause BatbReath miGht shOw up and ruiN the mOOd)

Tano: when you'Re out ToGetHer (To-Get-Her) on the siDewaLk, teLL her, "i waNt to shoW you somethIng".

KusI: Set your bAckpaCk (sMack! CraCK!) down, puLL out the boTtLe of WhisKey and tAke the caP off. StiCk the cloTh in, light it wIth the LighTer, and throw it at the FiRst gOtham poLIce sQuad caR that dRiVes by. (it won'T taKe long, beCause theY're aLWays paTroLLing the boo-teEk and jeWeLry disTriCt.)

sHEesT: sTand thEre a mOment to Let the GlorY(hoLe Haha) of the buRninG car reaLLy sinK in.

OcTO: Say to Her, "that fiRe rePreSenTs my buRning deSire for You", or somEthing frouFrOu and fLoWerY LikE that. (Women love tHAt cRaP.) THen hand her youR Note aLonG wiTh a PeN. tELL her that You wAnt her to ansWer The noTe. mEntiOn that the noTe is wRItten in your bLooD, and puLL youR bAndAGes baCk to pRoVE iT.

. . ! . .

That's aLL theRe is to it. eAsy as Pie. (EasY as DiE.)

if she cheCKs the "Yes" boX, it's a maTch, and you Can LiVe the reSt of your nOndesCriPT LiVes toGetheR in some bOring suBurb in a RusTic CaPe cOD bunGaLow with mAtching GoLden RetRieVers fRoLICKing in the landScaPED baCkyArd. (Yawn)

iF she cHecks the "NO" bOx, teLL her that waSn'T reallY an oPtioN, then Push her oNto the hooD of the buRNing car.

If sHe checks the "MayBe" box, jusT smiLe and teLL her yOU'll StaKe her - i mEan, sTalk her - untiL she ChanGes her minD to the aFfirmaTive.

...Of couRSe,

i'Ve neVER

had

to caRRy out anY of the afoRemeNTioned acTions.

(nOPe)

...bEcause WomeN dig me. i'm a chiCk magneT. (anD a BatMagnEt... hA Ha haaaaaAa)

...so iF you wAnt to be my HeaD henCh-WencH:

tAke a NumBEr, sWeeTHearT, and GeT in LiNe.

-JokEr

i goTs me soMe poWErful hyPNnotic GoNADs. YessUm, i dO. Heh hEh...

-4oC, 2009.08.14