In this chapter, we take a break from angst and sadism to observe the idiocy of Skulduggery Pleasant.

To LionsandTrolls: You're forgiven (by me at least). And you should be concerned! I am concerned! Glad you like it, though. Wait, who was I talking to again? There's no one there.

Anyways. Enjoy!

Chapter 16 – Limits

A Week Later

"Is this really a good idea?"

"Of course. It's my idea. Now hit me."

"I don't know…"

"Look, I'm not going to be able to work again if I can't take a hit or deal them out. Now hit me. And no fanny slaps either; give me everything you've got."

Ghastly gave Skulduggery a dubious look. The detective had had his life restored… what..? Three weeks ago? And he was already out to hit someone. Right now, the two Dead Men were in a spare room in Edgely Manor that Valkyrie had repurposed as a training room with a boxing ring and other equipment. Dexter, Erskine and Saracen were watching nervously from where they sat by the walls, and Valkyrie and Clarity were absent; currently playing Hide and Seek with the Pups.

Reluctantly, Ghastly brought his fist crashing into Skulduggery's face. The blow sent him sprawling onto the floor, and when he pulled himself up to his feet, his legs were shaking and there was a dazed look in his eyes.

"That the best you've got?" he scoffed, stumbling over towards Ghastly. Sweat was already beading on his forehead, and his agonisingly thin body shook; whether from exhaustion or shock was yet to be known. "Come on, Ghastly. Don't be soft!"

Lunging forward, Skulduggery swung a wild punch towards Ghastly's head, but it was off by a mile and the momentum left him flailing until he tripped over his own feet and fell flat on his face, only to scramble back up.

"Skulduggery, I think you should stop," Ghastly said, eyeing the detective warily.

"No!" Skulduggery protested, almost yelling before he regained his composure. "No, I… I'm fine. Now, come on. Hit me again."

"No."

"Don't be such a sod! I can handle this!

"No, you can't. You're not ready for this."

"I'll be fine."

"You don't know that. If you're not careful, you could hurt yourself."

"I've been through worse than a pulled muscle, Ghastly."

"Whilst you were healthy and able to hold in a bloody meal for more than fifteen minutes."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

Ghastly rolled his eyes in exasperation. "What does it take for this simple fact to get through your insufferably thick skull? You're not ready to start training again!"

"And I won't be ready unless I-. Hey, what!"

Before he'd managed to finish what he was about to say, Dexter had tackled him to the ground and pinned him there in a grip of iron. Instinctively, he tried to escape, utilising a technique that he'd carried out time and time again, but all he could do was kick his legs about and growl in frustration when his attempts proved ineffective. However, he kept trying, regardless of the light-headedness that was creeping in.

After ten minutes of the same futile attempt, Dexter finally let him go and allowed him to stand back up. What actually happened was a story in itself. Instead of gracefully rising to his feet, Skulduggery's legs buckled beneath him, refusing to hold his weight; about as useful as prosthetics made of jelly.

"I told you so," Ghastly muttered, standing idly by with his arms folded in disapproval.

"It's nothing," was the muttered retort. "I'm perfectly fine."

"Sure you are," Dexter scoffed as he observed his handiwork.

Skulduggery glared at him then tried getting to his feet again, but it was clear he'd never accomplish that simple task without help. His legs trembled violently, he was sweating and his eyes were somewhat glazed over from exhaustion.

Erskine had seen enough. Striding over to Skulduggery, he roughly hoisted him up by the shoulder; ignoring all protests and excuses; and marched him out of the room. The man was stubborn, the man was reckless, the man was hard-headed, but this was stupid. Skulduggery was being a complete and utter idiot.

He dragged the moron into the kitchen and forced him to sit in a chair whilst he searched the freezer for some ice. A nasty bruise was already beginning to blossom on Skulduggery's face.

"You're an idiot," Erskine said, walking over and placing an ice pack over Skulduggery's eye. "You know that, right?"

"I don't want to be useless."

"That's a load of bullshit. You're not useless, but you will be if you make your condition worse. Hold that there; it'll bring the swelling down."

Skulduggery didn't dare protest, and did as he was told. The ice made his face go numb and it felt uncomfortable, but it eased the throbbing pain a great deal.

"Remember what I said about not pushing your limits?" Erskine continued, sitting on a chair in front of Skulduggery, who nodded. "I still mean it. You'll hurt yourself if you push too hard."

"I'm getting tired of this, Erskine," Skulduggery sighed. "It's nice to have an excuse to be lazy for once after so many years, but there's only so many times one can watch the same movie until it gets annoying."

"Do something else then. Reorganise the DVD cabinet, go on the internet and watch kitten videos, go for a walk, go up and down the stairs a few times, do some birdwatching. The possibilities are endless."

"Take you out on a date, perhaps?" Skulduggery suggested, a mischievous smirk twitching on his lips. The blush that flooded Erskine's face was all he needed for a response.

"I-it's something," Erskine squeaked. He literally squeaked, too, and Skulduggery couldn't help but laugh at how adorable he was.

"So I'm guessing you have no objection then," he chuckled, reaching forward and holding Erskine's hand in his own. "Because I know just where to take you."

"Don't spoil it for me, then. Look, I'm doing a quick supply run with Saracen and Dexter. Try not to do anything stupid whilst I'm gone."

"Erskine, you're my love interest, not my mother."

"Oi!"

"Okay, okay, I'll take your advice. But… watching kitten videos? What on Earth would possess anyone to do that?"

"Clarity and their friends have some interesting pastimes."

"Of course they do."

A.N. - Erskine has clearly not met the typical mortal population. Those kitten videos are like digital life for some.

"So how's it going with you and Skulduggery?"

Erskine looked up from the shelf he was currently searching for spaghetti. "Huh?"

Saracen rolled his eyes. "You can't fool me, Ravel," he claimed. "I know things, remember?"

"Could you rewind that whole conversation? I have no idea what you're going on about."

Exasperated, Saracen shook his head. "I asked how your relationship with Skulduggery has been going."

Erskine was silent for a moment as he pretended to look overly absorbed in a jar of Bolognese. "How long have you known about it?" he asked quietly, thankful that Saracen had chosen to bring this up in a somewhat private setting.

"I've known from the start that something was going on."

"Well, um… I'd say things are okay."

"You're a horrible liar when it comes to relationships, you know that? Come on, tell me what's going on between you two."

Erskine felt himself blushing. Crap. "I thought it was only the women who gossiped about relationships," he retorted.

Saracen shrugged. "A guy can be interested in his friends' love lives," he stated.

Sighing, Erskine gave in. It was obvious Saracen wouldn't give up. "It's going well," he said simply. "Now will you please let up?"

"Not until I get all the details. You know I love a good romance story."

Great, now the blush was getting worse. If Dexter showed up, he'd never hear the end of it. "Is this really all that necessary?" he asked, exasperated.

"Yes, it is necessary. Erskine, you're getting back into the dating game again, when just a month ago, you couldn't let people so much as look at you without completely freaking out. Clearly, you're making progress! Now, come on. What don't I know already?"

"We, um… we haven't really done all that much…"

"What's it like to kiss him? I know you've kissed him."

Erskine rolled his eyes as he picked up a packet of spaghetti and put it in the basket that Saracen was carrying. "Why, are you interested?" he asked, a cocky glint in his eyes.

"Pfft! Please, I haven't managed to get a smooch from Valkyrie yet. I have priorities."

"That's… a little worrying."

"That's me, not you. Now, come on, you haven't answered my question."

"Alright, yes! I like kissing him. He makes me feel safe, and he cares a lot about me. Now are you done?"

Saracen's smile went from cheeky to soft and caring in an instant, and he happily wrapped an arm around Erskine's shoulders. "It's good to hear that from you, Erskine," he said. "You really need someone like that in your life at the moment, and although Skulduggery's not my first choice of a partner, I think being with you will benefit him as well. That man needs to let people love him again."