QUESTION 16

Clown,

What in the HELL have you done to my current living arrangements? I returned home from a few days of business to see that all of the handles had been removed from my internal doors and replaced by severed crow's heads. Actually, I tell a lie, the heads weren't totally severed. I came to realise that you'd just pushed through what you could of the whole bird from the other side of the door and left it hanging there. Also, I still can't get into my bathroom as the lock is jammed! Thank you very much indeed.

Then, already furious, I paced around my living area. It was then I noticed that you've taken the time to pour sour milk into my carpets and left rotting seafood in the heating ducts. I assume that's what the smell is, otherwise perhaps the cook form Arkham has taken up residence at my premises as the smell is on par with her cooking. Yes, it's THAT bad.

Finally, and this is my personal favourite, I now know you painstakingly switched the lables on my simular looking chemicals. Would you like to know how I found out? Or would my lack of eyebrows answer your query?

So back to my original question, Clown. Why in the name of all things holy did you destroy my apartment?

Signed,

Dr. Jonathan Crane.

- - - REPLY - - -

Ummm…. i— I… uh,

urmPh… AaaAAGGgHH!

...Uh… oof! HrrgMm… oh, no nonoNo no no

Aw, cRap. Crap!

….

hoLdonaseci'LLberiGhtback…

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Hhhhhhhh… ooooohHhhfffff mmMmmrRRrrrrggg…

...M'kay, leT me wiPe my mOuth oFF.

S—sorRy, I juSt… I just

had to Run to the BAThroOm for a moMEnt.

See, when suDden BouTs of teRroR oVerCome me, i gEt naw-shussssss...

...And i thrOW uP.

But that's noT what hapPened Just now.

oN the contRaRY, I LauGhed so haRd (HA hAha ha heE hO HA!) wHen i ReAd your leTTer that the cHocoLate miLK I was dRinKing shot oUt of mY noSe.

Fortunately I fouND a PaIr of boXerS near the bAthrooM (baT! vrOom!) sInK to Wipe mY face oFF wIth.

So, wHere dId your eYebroWs go? Did tHey bOOk a fLighT on eXpedIa (DoT COM!) to CleveLanD, or diD theY fly oFf your fAce in a cHemIcal eXpLosion (BOOM) and sTicK to the ceiLing, liKe in the caRtoonS? Are thEy intact, but JusT sTuCk neXt to each oTher, forMing a haIry McDonaLd's "M"? Ha HA, emmm. Heh heh. maiL one oF 'em to Me. I'm sTaRting an eyeBRow coLLection. but i'm onLy cOlleCting LeFT eyebroWs. I haVe no use foR the riGht ones. Left OnLY. Got iT?

Hey, yOu know whaT's unUsuaL abouT the boXers i wiped mY Face oFF wIth? tHey have LittLe KerMit the FroG and foZzie BeaR fAces all oVer them.

SouNd famiLiar? It sHould, siNCe I tooK them fRom your uNderWear drAwer, ScooTeR.

i aLso took The oNes with the TransForMers on tHem, anD the ones with SeBastiaN the CraB from The LitTle MeRmaid. i gueSs that's the onLy wAy yoU'll eVer have cRabs on youR boxEr shorTs, since a PeNIS is a neCessaRy apPendaGe for the sPReadIng and receiVing of cRotch criTTerS. GiVen the abnOrmaLLy small siZe of these bOXers, theRe's clearLy no kIcksTand on yOur bicYcLe.

that asiDe, I stopPed by your pLAce becauSe I misPlaceD my KnifE. i thougHt I mIght have leFt it tHere WheN i broKe in the oTher niGHt. (I'Ve beEn sTeaLing into Your aPartMent on occAsion, unscREWing the caPs of your meDiCation in the batHroom meDiciNe cabInet and beLcHing into the BottLes. BeCause i can, tHAt's whY. Ha ha, youR piLLs are coVeRed with Joker buRps.)

So whiLe I waS there LooKing for mY kNife, I could senSe the neGatiVe ChI in your aBode. i tooK it uPon mYseLf to… ah, reaLign a FeW things. i'm dedUcing fRom the raTher hostiLe tOne of your leTter that yOu didn't like the Feng ShuI deCoratinG pRincipLes I appLied to your PLacE. DraWing on my comManDing KnowledGe of the Bagua map, I coNcLuded that Your fiRe eLement was lacKIng. That's what tHe cRows were For, since anImaLs are a conDucTor of that eLement. You should thank Me that i didn'T leave liGhted mAtcheS in the DooRs insTead. JeeZ, you'Re unGratefuL, QueEr baIt.

As for tHe bathrOOm… I Just HAD to JAm the dOor. the VIsion oF you usIng the pub(L)ic reSTroOm in the LoBby of youR aPartmenT buiLding maKes me bREak out in FitS of lAughTer. CarefuL what yOu touCh in there, Jaw-KneE. The cRack hEads and whoRes who tuRn triCkS on that toiLet don't aLwaYs wash theiR hanDs after uSing The faciLities.

...It sounDs LiKe you haVen'T looKed in the sEcond dRaWer of yOur nigHTstAnd yeT.

Heh hEh.

Oh, anD waTCh your fIngeRs the neXt time you Go into youR frEeZer to geT a sacK of froZen PeAs... theY might tOuch sometHing that usEd to bE conNecteD to a neCk.

bY the wAY, roTTen seaFooD isn'T the onLy thing i PuT in the hEating duCts. i lEft a few otHEr...

...rOOmMaTes

tO keeP you comPanY. yoU liKe cockRoaches, righT? (SuRe, eVeryboDy does.) As faR as i KnoW, noThing can KiLL theM. BuT i'M suRe they'Ve neveR spenT an eVening talKing to YoU. tHe naSallY sound of yOur sAnctImoniouS voiCe shouLD send their liTTle feet ScurrYing to thE neareSt roAcH moTeL, begGinG for the sWeet reLease of dEath from sO unBearaBLe a suFFerinG.

WhY are you mOaniNg aBout your cHemiCaL lABels beIng switChed? LaBels are oVerRated, and theY take the fUn out of liFe. It's moRe fun iF you doN't know what's coming neXT!

Do you sEe

what

...i'm dRiVing at?

I'm onLy trYing to heLP you Out, paL, tRying to get You to Man-uP a bit. FaCe it, JonNy:

you'Re a PusSy.

A cLenched-asS, seXuaLLy repRessed, nineTy-fiVe pouNd eFFeminate tooL, tryinG to chanNeL his inner tWat by weaRing a BurLap poTAto sacK on hIs head.

I meaN, cOme on! ...a PotAto sacK?

whY wouLd you think that's reMoteLy friGhtenIng? Why noT at LEast glue some oRanGe and Red cardBoaRd fLames to tHe siDes, to tRy to mAKe it a skosh BaD-asS? ExpRess the cLoset flAmer wIthin, just (s)wIshinG to gEt OuT.

MayBe somehow poTatoes are fRighteNing to You, anD you'Re trYing to pRoJect tHAt feaR onTo otheRs. What wouLd haVe cauSed such tuBeR-indUced tRauma? WeRe you gaNg-rAPed by a reNegaDe pacK of FrenCh fRies in your YouTh? I don't GeT it.

Let mE Put it in sIMple tErMs for you, JonNy-boY: the cuRRent looK you haVe goINg? Not intiMidAting. NoT coMmanDIng of resPecT or aWe. NOT.

HaVe you eVer seeN an ePIsode of "FraSieR"? iT's aBout soMe wiShy-wasHY psYchiAtrist brotHerS named CRANE (coinCidencE? i thiNk nOT), and yOu're liKe thE LonG-loSt thiRd brOther: a tRifecTa of PompouS niNNies, eAch moRe pAtheTic than the LasT. foR crYing OuT loud, You maKe Niles cRanE looK buTch. SeRiousLY. you'Re so fReakIn' skiNnY, when yOu've Got the potato SacK over yoUr head, you LOok liKe a Blow-PoP. And wiTh it oFF, you loOk Like a taMpOn with ReadIng gLasses.

Since i'm iN the AdVice BusIneSS now (I'm a pRofeSsionaL!), I'm GoiNg to giVe you some muCh-Needed cOunseL:

FirSt, stoP your bItchinG and take the haZing like a mAn.

SecoND, you'Ve got to PicK one side oF the FencE or the oTher, JonNY. EithEr embRace the hOmO withIn and gO aLL out (LiTerally), or add sOme cReatIne to your dieT, hire a peRsonaL trainer and TaKe a more ResPectabLe staB (kniFeKnifekNife) at MasCulinE viLLainY.

Get LaiD, for cHrisT's saKe. bY a wOMan.

You'Re jusT… weLL, emBarrassing to tHose of Us who ARE bad-aSS vILLains. ThERe. It had tO be saId.

CheCk in wiTh me aGain aFTer you'Ve given thIs some thouGht, oKaY, jOnnY? tHere. tHat's my aDVice, SaSSafRass.

-JokEr

Pee Ess. If you trY To coPy MY looK in some Way, in your QueSt to fiNd yourself (QueEr qUesT!), I'll fiLet the sKin froM your neCk LiKe an appLe rInd, and use iT to liNe my socK draWer.

P. P. S. UmmmmMmm...

You knoW that

sTicky,

"soUr miLk" you tHInk I pouRed on the CarPets?

...iT waSn't soUr mILK...

I waS just reaLLy, reeeeeeeeeaaaallllly hapPy to be in your aPartmenT. Heh heH.

Germs, geRms, joKeR sPerm.

-4oC, 2009.08.17