QUESTION 17
Dear Mr. J,
My name is Esther. I guess I have a problem. When I was 12 I killed my parents and was put up for adoption. Sooner or later a happy couple adopted me and then I killed their daughter. Now they think I'm crazy and want to admit me to Arkham. You've been there. Should I go or keep acting like an innocent little girl?
Esther
- - - REPLY - - -
EmpLoYing my mAc-DadDY math sKills (i Got maD sKiLLz), my TaLLy is:
EstHer: 3
inNocent CiViLians: 0
You're oFf to a gOOd start, KiD.
noW i recomMend tAKing your gAme to the neXt leVeL. AnYone cAn KiLL anoTher pERson.
...but it's a tRue art to LeaVe somEoNe to ROt in a LifetIme of ruiN.
THAT is a sKiLL.
yOu can StaRt hoNIng youR taLents Now. foLLoW my aDvice
.
to
.
tHe
.
leTTeR.
.
NO deViations.
...unDeRstanD?
StoP by the homeLEss sheLter on 53rd and ChaUceRY. It's run bY FathEr GeOrge. (he's Not a pRiesT, but eVerYone caLLs him FatHEr.) He's an eX-PeaCe-coRps (Peas CorPse?) voLunteEr wHose deDication to heLping the indIgent has siNgle-haNdedly saVed hundREds of the homeLess from sTarVing or dYing each yEar on The streEts of gOthaM. (i wOndeR what he doEs wIth the oTher hAnd. heh HaHA)
Go in and AsK at LeaSt FouR women (nOt meN, eSTHer) where FathEr GeoRge is. wHen they pOInt you to hIm, asK to sPeak to him in pRiVate. WeAr somethIng Bright so SeVeral peoPLe will sEe you go iNto his ofFice with hiM, aLone. mAkE sure the dOOr is cLoseD.
TelL him hE's doing a sWeLL job at his voLuntEer worK. teLL him you AdmiRe him, and wAnt to aRrange a fOrmaL interView with him lAter in the wEEk for a GirL ScouT ProJect. (saMoas tAgaLongs YumMy) ThEn eXcuse youRseLf cAsuallY, saYing you'Re late meEting your mOm at the buS sTop.
...cLose the dOor to hIs ofFice beHind you,
theN Run aWay FroM his offICe as fAst as yoU can.
wHimPer lOudlY. loOk liKe you're terRified. Make eYe contAct with aT leaSt one of the wOmen you sPoKe to earLIer. goT it, eSther?
TheN geT on the buS and taKe it a feW miLes south on the bLUe liNe. Get ofF neXt to the aBandonEd teXTiLe mill off of TraVerSe StreeT. There's a homeLess man who sLeEps in the cuLVert neXt to it, doWn by the riVeR.
Find hIm.
He's a bIt oRnerY, esPecIally iF you sWipe his BottLe of gIn. thAt's what you're goInG to do.
you'Re goinG to
YanK it
rigHt out of hIs hands, and call him a
...whIno faGgot
beFore you TuRn arouNd, benD oVer and stICk your ass ouT at hiM, and daRe him to kIck you as haRd as he can.
Then,
LeT HiM...
But dOn'T
droP
the boTtLe.
TuRn to Face hiM, and waVe the BotTle in his direction. teLL him hE can haVe it baCk, if he's a fAst enouGh sacK of hOrse dUNg to hit you acRoss the fACe.
BraCe for the hIt,
and
tAKe iT. (wE all hAve to suFFer for ouR aRt, EstHEr.)
tHen, droP the BotTle and run.
ruN, liTtLe EsTher, rUn.
Run riGht to the BUs and taKe it to the GothAm PoLice sTation.
tHe riDe is JusT long eNouGh for the BruIses to aPpeaR on youR boDy.
TeLL theM thaT you wEnt to the homElesS sheLTer to voLunteer, tO maKe moMMy loVe you, sInce youR siSter dIed. tEll thEm that FathEr GeOrge wantEd to DO THINgS to you in hIs office. Tell tHeM he hIt you on yOur bottOm wheN he couLdn'T get his haNd in your unDerweaR. tell theM he sLappeD you aCroSs the face When you tOld him he wAs huRting you. TEll thEm you weRe onlY abLe to run whEn he had to Use boTh hands to uNdo the ZipPer of his panTs.
And tHen, cover yOur face wiTh your hanDs, and cry.
AsK them What the wOrd "Fuh-lay-sho" meaNs.
SaY it sloWly, like You're nOt sure iF tHat was What the woRd sounDed LiKe, siNce fAthEr GeoRGe onLy saId it once.
tHat is my aDvicE to yoU, Esther.
FathEr George will be goinG awaY for a whiLe afTer that (bYe ByE). His rePuTation will… weLL, it will taKe a bIt of a hit, aS the wOmen iN the sheLter wiLL pRedicTablY comE to tHe defEnse oF a liTtLe giRL as eYe-wItneSseS. hE'll be QuiTe poPulaR in gEn pOp in pRison, wiThouT a dOubt. tHey'Re quIte fonD of aCcuseD chiLd moLesteRs.
yoU wiLL have eFFectiVely ruineD that man's LiFe. ha Ha
hA
HaHA
HA
...anD his won'T Be the onLy one. HeH heh.
The hOmelesS sheLter wiLL cLOse, manY of the homEless Will eiTher starVe or DiE from the eLemeNts when the coLd wEather comes, and some wiLL reSort to mugGinG innoCent ciTiZens in their deSPeraTion. mOre cRime. morE hoPElessNess.
LiVes wilL be rUined. hoPes and aSpiRations cRusheD.
anD no oNe will suSpecT a cHild.
tHis shouLd pOint you in The riGht directIon, esThEr.
-joKer
iF i dOn't rEad aBout cHargeS beIng fiLed aGainst faTher geOrge in thE pApers, i'LL knOw you sCreweD up soMehow, anD I'll sLice you Up for yoUr incOmpetEnce. tHen it'S bacK to the oRphanAge you Go, eSther (ta Ta!), beCause no OnE wanTs an uGly, sCarrED aDopTed bRat rUining thEir oTherwiSe aTtractiVe faMily phOtos.
-4oC, 2009.08.19