AN/ YES FINALLY THIS CHAPTER! I have been waiting for so long

Chapter 174: Love

"Riku, can you come help me with the dishes?"

Riku looked up from his book—he still hadn't finished it yet—and glanced into the kitchen. Aerith was busily filling the sink and stacking the dirty dishes so they were neat and organized. That was normal enough, though the request definitely… wasn't? Aerith usually did the dishes herself, and if she didn't, well, it seemed weird that she'd ask Riku for help.

But, then again, they were the only two in this house still awake, so maybe that was it.

Riku was still a little suspicious, but…

"Uh, yeah," he said. "Yeah."

It'd be rude to tell her no.

"I'll wash, you dry," Aerith instructed, plopping a stack of plates into the sink. She paused, then slowly turned to look at him. "You… can do that, right?"

"Y-yeah." He nodded, though still a little skeptical about this entire situation. "Yeah, I should be able to. Just because I haven't ever washed dishes before doesn't mean I don't understand the concept."

"You sure?" she asked, giving him a look.

"Positive," Riku said, firmly. "You wash the dishes, hand them to me, I rinse them, dry them, then put them away. Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Then we're on the same page. Ah… towel?"

"There should be one at the end of the counter."

"I don't see—oh. There it is."

Riku slung the towel over his shoulder, and then leaned against the counter, waiting for Aerith to scrub the first plate clean. Since they'd eaten spaghetti for dinner, it could take a while.

"So… Why did you want help?" he asked, casually. He was probing for answers, which maybe was rude, but he still got the feeling that there was more to this than just wanting help.

"I, uhm…" Aerith frowned at the plate she was scrubbing. "I actually wanted to talk to you. And I figured this was a good way. And… semi-private."

"I mean, everyone else is already asleep…" Riku countered.

"Well. Yes." Aerith frowned a little harder at the plate. "But the dishes also needed to get done."

Riku shrugged, since there was no arguing on that front. He was a little nervous now, though. What did Aerith want to talk about? And why alone?

Aerith finally handed the plate over. He rinsed it off, dried it, all while she said nothing more.

"Where do plates go?" he asked. He sort of needed that information.

"Cabinet above you," Aerith replied.

He reached for it.

"Other one. And watch your shoulder!"

Riku grimaced, but there was only so much he could do about his shoulder. He had to reach with it one way or another, either to open the cabinet or to put the plate away. At least it didn't hurt. Too much.

"So… what did you want to talk about?" he asked. The sooner they got this over with, the better.

"I…" Aerith swallowed. She seemed to either be having trouble getting the words out, or finding the right words to say. "I don't think… I- I know you're just trying to protect Namine, but I don't think you should choose to spend forever away from her."

The words left her mouth in a rush, and Riku frowned.

"So… you don't think I'm causing her meltdowns?" he asked, a little confused. Was that what she meant? What else could she have meant?

" I think it doesn't matter," Aerith said, firmly. "That, regardless of the fact you might be causing her meltdowns, you should keep spending time with her."

He stared. "Are you crazy? Do you know how much they hurt her?"

"I- yes." Aerith swallowed a few times. "Yes, I understand—"

"Do you really?" His grip on the towel tightened, anger burning in him. "Have you seen her cry, tear out her hair, scream, bash at her head because it just hurts so much? Have you held her through one, trying to comfort her as she trembles and squirms and sobs? Have you sat with her, through the restless sleep that follows, trying to be strong even though you know what's going through her head—" His voice cracked slightly. "The nightmares that you run away from but she can't?"

"Well… no…"

"Then you don't know," he said. "I do. And I will do anything to stop them."

"I…" Aerith sighed. "I understand that. But… can you just hear me out? That's all I ask. That you listen what I have to say. In the end the choice is yours and I can't change that."

Riku sighed, too. He could tell her no. Leave the conversation here. Where he wanted it. But there was something about her tone. The desperation in her voice now, and the way she'd cried for him the other day…

He didn't want to be told what to do. But he wanted to hear what she had to say, for some reason.

"Alright," he said, quietly. "Why do you think this is a bad idea?"

"Because…"

She handed him the next plate. He took it, rinsed it, dried it, waiting for her to finish that sentence.

"Because refusing to ever see her again is stupid!" Aerith nearly shouted, her voice shaking. She immediately covered her mouth with a hand, made a face, and then started scrubbing the next plate with a fierce determination. "I- forgive me for shouting," she muttered. "I'm just… I'm not sure you understand what you're agreeing to."

"I'm agreeing to stop her meltdowns," Riku replied, laughing a little, as he put the plate away.

"But do you know what you're giving up?"

Riku paused, hand on the handle of the cabinet. His fingers tightened around it, briefly, and he closed it with perhaps more force than was necessary. Of course he knew what he was giving up. He was trading seeing her for her safety. Why did Aerith think he didn't know that? Hadn't he made it clear enough that he was only agreeing to leave Namine to protect her, and not for any other reason? Because he didn't want to leave her. But he would if it meant keeping her safe.

"Maybe I don't," he said, his tone bright, bitter. "Why don't you enlighten me?"

Aerith didn't look at him. He bit his lip, knowing he'd been a little sharp with her. Sharp and sarcastic.

But what did she know about him?

"You're… giving up a life with her in it. That's what you're giving up."

Riku chuckled, dryly. Like he didn't know that. Of course he did. But why did it upset Aerith so much? Because she didn't want to see them separated? Why? Why did she care about his life at all?

Had… Namine put her up to this?

No. No, that was silly.

He took the next plate Aerith handed him and dried it off, slowly. He should say something. Tell her that of course he knew he was giving that up. That he really didn't want to, but, it didn't matter. Not if it kept her safe.

Except he didn't have time to get the words out.

"You remind me of Zack, sometimes," Aerith said.

Riku stared at her, really stared at her, not sure how to respond. That was abrupt. And random. And who the heck was Zack?

She must've read his thoughts, because she laughed and said:

"Zack's, uhm, he was a good friend of mine. A very good friend of mine."

"Yeah…?" Riku said, slowly, putting the plate he was still holding in the cabinet. He'd never heard about Zack before… but talking about him was better than butting heads over whether or not leaving Namine was a good idea.

"Mmhmm!" Aerith nodded, happily, and handed him a glass. "Glasses go up in that other cabinet, by the way. The one you tried to put the plates in."

"Got it," he said, though he was still drying the glass and wasn't sure if he could put it away any time soon.

"And if you can't dry them fast enough, go ahead and just leave them on the counter," Aerith said. "They can air-dry. Or we can get to them later."

"Okay." Riku frowned. "How, exactly, do I remind you of Zack?"

She hadn't exactly specified…

"Zack can't- couldn't sit still," Aerith said. She paused, but only long enough to hand Riku the next glass. "Like you."

"I can too sit still!" Riku protested, laughing a little. But… why was she speaking in past tense about Zack?

"Zack loved fighting, too," Aerith continued. "Was a mercenary, even! And he did that stupid thing you do. Keep fighting even though you were injured. I had to drag him away from battles so many times…"

"Heh, I think I would've liked to meet him," Riku said. He spoke past tense, too. Because, clearly, Zack wasn't around anymore, whoever he was.

Aerith laughed, quietly. Emptily. She was silent for a long moment, eyes fixed on the sink, hands repeatedly running over the glass she was washing, though Riku was fairly certain it was clean by now.

"I- I think you would've gotten along well." Her voice cracked a little as she said it.

He didn't say anything. She silently handed him the next glass to be rinsed and dried. Then she smiled.

"The way you look at Namine sometimes reminds me of how he used to look at me," she whispered.

"The way I…?" Riku said, confused. Since when did he give Namine a special look?

"Oh!" And Aerith laughed, now. "You wouldn't see it, would you?" She sighed, a little wistfully. "All big grin and eyes centering on no one else… Oh, Zack was such a goofball sometimes. But I loved him for it. You couldn't faze him. He'd just take the world with a grin, because he saw the light in everything, and—"

She was rambling. Riku raised his eyebrows, studying her, not missing how her voice sped up a little once she got talking about Zack. Her cheeks were tinged red, and she was smiling wider than he'd ever seen her smile before.

And then it clicked.

"Zack's the boy in the picture, isn't he?" he said. "The one on the bookshelf."

Aerith nodded, slowly. "Probably. Which picture are you talking about?"

"The one where he was about to knock you over…"

"Yeah. That's him." She laughed. It was a little hollow. "He tripped right as Cid took the picture. And he did end up knocking us both over. I think- I think Cid actually got a picture of that! Not that it's framed…"

The smile on her face had fallen slightly.

"You were good friends?" Riku asked, taking the next glass from her.

"He meant the worlds to me…"

Riku sighed. Yeah. He knew that feeling. And he had an awful feeling he knew where this was going, too…

He opened his mouth to say something—to console her—but she didn't give him the chance. She was talking again. Smiling. Laughing like nothing was wrong.

"Oh gosh, when we first met-" she laughed. "Well, he was fighting some monster and he got knocked halfway across town! Landed right at my feet. I was on my way home with groceries. I ended up having to drag him with me because he was injured and was going to bleed to death with- uhm." She paused. Swallowed. "I had to heal him up. Least I could do for him."

"Mmhmm…" Riku said, finding it hard to care too much. It was… nice to hear her talk. To see her smile so much. But…

"Then we went to the market," Aerith continued. "He ended up buying me a dress. A dress!"

"Yeah?"

Why was she smiling so much? Clearly it was painful to think about Zack. Why would she keep talking? How could she keep smiling? He never would've been able to... Not genuinely. And he was fairly certain Aerith's smile was genuine. Forced smiles didn't look a thing like that.

"Not that it fits me anymore, but he insisted!" Aerith was still talking. Still laughing. What was it about Zack that made her light up so much? Was this what love looked like?

"—but I didn't have anything to go with it, so he went and bought a dress, too! I think I paid him back for the ribbon. I meant to. …did I?" She grimaced, handed another glass to Riku to be dried.

He took it, dried it, absentmindedly. Did he light up this when he thought about Namine? When he talked about her? Did his cheeks turn red? His smile widen? His voice speed up? Did he trail off every five seconds in reminiscence?

"He kept buying me hair ribbons, though!" Aerith clearly didn't care that Riku wasn't listening to her. Or she hadn't noticed. "He bought me this pink one—" she tugged at the one in her hair "—along with a blue one, and a white one, and then three more pink ones! I don't know what his deal was with the pink… I hardly even like the color…"

"What… what does this have to do with anything?" Riku asked, interrupting her. He'd love to sit here and talk about this for the rest of the night. Really. But… but she'd been so adamant about him leaving Namine being a bad idea. Why would she have changed the subject?

Aerith turned to him, stared for a moment. Her smile fell again. She didn't say anything right away, just silently handed him the next glass.

"Riku… Zack's dead."

He nearly dropped the glass she'd handed him. What?

"I have to spend the rest of my life without him, and I don't want you to be condemned to that same pain."

But he hardly heard those words.

Zack being dead was not what he'd expected. He'd expected it to be like… the other Namine… and…

But of course it wasn't. Aerith lit up too much when talking about Zack. There was no way she'd fall so in love with someone who didn't love her back. Only fools did that.

Only fools like him.

"I…" he stammered.

"You care a lot about Namine." Aerith obviously wasn't interested in talking about Zack any more, though. They'd moved back to him and Namine. "And she cares a lot about you, too. You shouldn't separate yourself from that. I know you want to keep her from hurting, but... by leaving her, you're only trading one pain for another. Do you know what you're giving up?"

Riku didn't answer. All words had left him.

"You're giving up a life with her," Aerith said. "Yes, it's painful sometimes, but all life is. You can't go through this life without feeling pain. Why would you give up a life of happiness and accept a life full of pain that never, ever goes away? And Riku—"

She paused. Considered her words.

"Riku, you don't see the way you light up around her. You don't see the way you look at her. And maybe you haven't noticed that she looks at you the same way. I have. And I firmly believe that if you have someone in your life who makes you light up like that, you should hold onto them. Spend as much time with them as you can. Because they may not be in your life forever."

And you'd know that better than anyone else, wouldn't you, Aerith? he thought, sadly.

"I- I'm sorry about Zack," he said.

She rolled her eyes and let out a long breath, clearly exasperated. "Riku, you're missing the point!"

His eyes narrowed. "Oh? That you don't want me to protect Namine because you want me to live the life you couldn't?" he asked. He wanted to keep the bitterness out of his voice. Aerith didn't need his bitterness or his anger. But he couldn't seem to rein either of them.

"That's not what I said," Aerith corrected. She looked away from him, shoulders drooping, eyes filled with sadness. "I- I was just trying to explain why I think this isn't a good idea. And I want you to live the life I couldn't have, yes, but not because I couldn't have it. Because you deserve it."

He deserved it?

Riku laughed.

"No I don't."

"Oh, Riku, of course you—"

"No, I- it's not like it matters. She doesn't even care about me."

Aerith stopped.

"What… what are you talking about?"

"Namine doesn't care about me," he repeated, setting the glass in the cabinet.

Aerith was staring at him like he was crazy. Her hands were still in the sink, but she wasn't washing anything. She was apparently so confused that she couldn't make herself.

"What- what makes you think that?" she asked.

"Well she never did," Riku explained. "No one ever did. Why would it be any different now? It's not. I know it's not. She- she doesn't care about me. She never has." He shrugged, slung the towel over his shoulder. "She could never see past the lies and could never admit that it could be real. And she never cared about me. I was her rock but I was never what she wanted. She never wanted me."

He leaned against the counter, hands gripping the edges.

"Why would Namine? Why would she—I'm nothing. Nothing to her." The words wouldn't stop leaving his mouth. He wasn't even sure if he believed half of them. But he didn't want to say—no. He wouldn't. Wouldn't even think it. Wouldn't let it be true.

"I don't want her hurting and I want her happy but I can never have both because her happiness involves taking me out of the picture. Do you understand?" He turned to Aerith. Her expression said that she didn't. "I'm doing this—I'm leaving her—because I don't want to see the girl who means the worlds to me hurting. I don't want to put myself through this again. I loved her but she didn't love me back I don't want that to happen again I just want to get as far away from it as possible so I. Can't. Get. Hurt."

He took a deep and shaky breath, eyes fixing themselves on the counter. His knuckles had turned white.

No.

He threw the towel to the ground, biting back a cry of anger, and then pounding at his head. Selfish. He was so selfish. It was despicable. How'd he lowered to this? So low that he'd used protecting Namine as an excuse to protect himself. When, in reality, this was all about him and had almost nothing to do with her?

He was so selfish.

Aerith pulled his hands away from his head, firmly, then forced a plate into his grasp.

"Break it."