AN/ I AHVE A LOT OF FEELS ON THIS CHAPTER LIKE OH MY GRACIOUS I 'M GONNA CRY AGAIN

Chapter 175: Family

"Break it," Aerith ordered.

Riku's fingers closed around the plate, and he stared at her, a little confused.

"What?"

"Break it," she repeated.

He wanted to. He wanted to, oh so badly.

But he also didn't want to be as destructive as he'd always been. It felt so… wrong. So disgusting. Like he was still the scared little boy he'd been nine months ago, back in that wretched Castle in the other universe.

"I-" he stammered.

"Would you rather a glass to smash? We don't have any valuable ones."

"But-"

"Riku, please, break something before you hurt yourself!" The desperation in her voice was painful. How could anyone care so much about him? "I don't care what you break at this point, so long as it isn't yourself. I can replace everything later."

He stared at her a moment longer, then let the anger take him, and threw the plate to the ground. It broke into two large pieces, along with a couple of smaller pieces that skidded across the ground.

"Do you want to break something else, or should I get the broom now?"

He didn't need to answer. She was already pressing a glass into his hands. He threw it to the ground, too, and it broke into much smaller pieces, all of them scattering across the floor.

Aerith stared at him long and hard.

"Better?"

Riku took a few breaths, blood pounding through his head. He nodded. Yeah.

"A little."

"Do you want to talk about it, or do you want to keep breaking things?"

"I… I'll let you know if I need to break anything else."

"Mmhmm." The noise was somewhere between agreement and disbelief. He couldn't discern which. Aerith was already moving to get the broom and dustpan, so it wasn't like he could use her facial expression as cue, either.

"Here, let me get that," Riku said, holding out his hands to take the broom from her.

"Are you kidding?" Aerith laughed. "Like I'd let you around broken glass." She bent down and started sweeping everything up.

"I'd be careful…" he said, frowning a little.

"Oh, I'm sure," she replied, sarcastically. She was silent for a moment, but then she asked: "Is it because you think you deserve it, or just because you're trying to anchor yourself?"

"What?"

"You think I haven't noticed? When you get upset, you slap your shoulder. The bad one. You hit the spot that you know is going to cause you the most pain." There was disappointment in her voice, along with some other emotion that she was clearly trying to hold back. She was doing a good enough job that Riku couldn't read it, but he knew it was there, threatening to break through. "If it's an anchor, I get it," she said. "I wish you'd find something less self-destructive to anchor yourself, but I do get it. Unless you're going to tell me you do it because…" She trailed off, clearly not wanting to say it.

"It's an anchor," he assured her.

"Be honest with me."

"It's… usually an anchor."

She looked up at him. "And this time?"

He stared, not sure what to say, but wanting very desperately to lie. Except he couldn't. Not to her. Not to someone who somehow managed to care so much about him.

"I… I felt disgusting," he croaked. "I just… I felt selfish. Despicable."

"And what did you expect it to do?"

He shrugged, hopelessly. "I don't know."

If he had a reason, he'd long forgotten it.

"Okay." She got to her feet, discarded the glass. "Remind me to take that outside later. We shouldn't have broken glass sitting in the house."

"I can take—"

Aerith pulled him into a hug. He froze, his words stopping short. What was he supposed to do? Was he supposed to return the hug? Or…?

"I don't know what you've been put through, or what anyone's told you," Aerith whispered, her voice cracking a little. "But you never deserve pain. Never."

She held him a moment longer, whispering what he thought was a healing spell. Probably to take care of any bruises before they formed. As well as… the bruises on his arms, probably. And maybe to reverse whatever extra damage he'd done to his shoulder over the past few days. Then she let him go.

"Okay?"

He nodded.

"Mm."

She smiled, a little awkwardly. "Was the hugging too much?"

"N-no," he said. "Just… not quite used to it." He laughed, a little emptily. "Namine's, really, the only person who—"

"Namine's the only person you've ever gotten hugs from?" Aerith asked, eyes wide.

"Well…"

Aerith clearly knew what the answer was, because she covered her mouth with her hands, gripping them tightly together. "I… I can't even…" she mumbled, shaking her head. After a moment she dried her hands off and headed out to the front room. "I need to sit down."

"Is it really that big of a deal?" he asked, following her.

"It's just, sometimes, Riku, I forget that you're not exactly… normal."

He chuckled, a little amused. "What's that supposed to mean? Besides that I'm a Replica and don't have a proper family."

"No, it means just that," Aerith said. She sat down at the end of one of the couches. "But I forget that not having a family also means you didn't grow up with your mom hugging you once a day or any of that sort of thing. Not that all families are like that… but… You forget that not everyone's life is like yours. And when you're reminded, you feel a little awful for forgetting."

"Don't feel awful about it. Not for me."

He sat down on the arm of the couch opposite her. She leaned forward a little.

"Why not for you?" she asked.

"Because I don't deserve it."

"Who told you that?"

He shrugged.

"Okay, but what makes you think that?" Aerith said. "That you don't deserve anyone's worry or affection."

He shrugged again. "I dunno. I just know I don't. The only reason I'm worth anything is because I make a good weapon."

She stared at him.

"That's not- that's…" She laughed, like she had no clue what else to do. "Do you honestly believe that?"

He just shrugged yet again. Yeah. He did.

"Riku, if you- if you really think that I only let you stay here because you're a big help with the Heartless, then you're dumb. Yeah, you're a big help, but you're also my friend." She smiled at him. "And I wouldn't have let you stay here for an entire week if I didn't actually care about you."

"Yeah…"

"Riku, look at me."

He did. Met her eyes. She looked a little annoyed, but if anything, she was patient.

"You can tell yourself you don't deserve it all you want," she said. "But that changes nothing. You're still my friend, and I'm still going to worry about you, whether you want me to or not."

He laughed a little. It was nice to hear that.

"Now…" Aerith said. Her brow furrowed with concern. "What you said earlier… about… not wanting to get hurt again?"

"Oh…"

His face fell. He didn't exactly want to… talk about that… What they were currently talking about was a much… he'd much rather talk about that. Really.

"We don't have to talk about it now!" Aerith assured him, quickly. "I- I would be more comfortable if we talked about it before you went back, though. Because you're just going to shove it under the rug once you go back to Castle Oblivion, aren't you?"

"I…"

"Be honest?"

He sighed.

"Yeah…"

She nodded. "I thought so." She sighed, too. "I… I don't want to make you talk, but… But I don't think it's healthy for you to leave it bottled up. Especially if it's bugging you so much."

"That's alright," he said. "I guess- I guess I should probably tell someone."

He wanted to ignore it. But, with his luck, he'd end up slipping and bringing it up again. To Namine. He didn't want her… Didn't want to burden her with this. It wasn't her business.

"If you don't mind—"

"I'd never mind."

"Okay."

He nodded, wrung his hands, trying to pull his thoughts together. He shifted slightly so his weight was better distributed. He probably shouldn't be sitting on the arm of the couch, though… oh well.

"Well." He cleared his throat. "In- in the other universe… there was…" He swallowed. "Another Namine."

"Right."

"And we… well, I suppose I should- I should say-" Riku swallowed again. His throat was tight. Where was he even supposed to begin? "We. We, uhm. You know about Organization 13?"

"Vaguely…" Aerith responded.

"Well. We were. Ahm. We were both working for them. Well." He grimaced. "She was being forced to, and I was created by them, so I knew no better."

"Okay."

"And… well…" Riku closed his eyes. Took a deep breath. The sooner it was out, the better. "I loved her."

He paused. The words hung in the air.

"She- she didn't love me back," he continued, his voice cracking. "She- she didn't even think it was real. My feelings. She'd- she could manipulate memories."

"Mm!"

"And she'd manipulated me mine. Or, given me mine, since I'd really only just been created. It was under the Organization's orders, of course!" he added, hastily. "But- but she said that meant my feelings weren't real. Because my memories weren't. But I know that's not true. I know what I felt. I loved her."

"I'm- I'm sure you did," Aerith said, calmly.

His hands balled into fists. He needed to slow down. But the emotions were raging through him and the words kept spilling from his mouth.

"I did!" He was shouting, now. "I did but she didn't believe me! Or maybe she did. I don't know. I bet she was lying."

He needed to stop. He needed to do something to anchor himself before he said something he'd regret. His hand hovered near his shoulder, ready to strike, ready to ground him.

"She was lying because it's all she knows how to do. Lying because she thought the truth would hurt me. Lying because she hated me, because no one in that damned universe cared about me, and I was a fool to think she did and—"

That was too far.

Aerith caught him before he had a chance to hit himself, though. Her fingers curled around his wrists, pulling his hands away and holding them tightly so he couldn't do any harm.

"Riku."

He hung his head, sobs shaking him, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"And I'm a fool to think Namine does either," he mumbled. "Why should she? If she knew- if she knew what's in my head. If she knew about my false memories then she'd doubt it too! She'd refuse to believe I loved her. That she meant anything to me. She'd know it was just Namine. The Other Namine. She'd know it was her I loved and never anyone else. Because how could I love two Namines?"

He felt like he was going to puke. That thought was the worst.

"Riku!" Aerith said. "Riku, slow down, none of that's true!"

But her words didn't reach him.

"I can't bear to be separated from her, but I can't bear her hating me, either," he sobbed. "If I stay with her, she'll find out. If we don't stop the meltdowns, she'll find out, because she sees my memories and she can see into my head and I can't hide anything from her—"

"Riku—"

"I've tried. I've buried those memories as deep as I could, because if I couldn't reach them, then she couldn't reach them. But I've dug them up. I've let them loose. She's going to see and I can't—"

He broke off. He hated himself so much. He was supposed to protect Namine, but he was using protecting her as an excuse just to protect himself. It was selfish. It was weakness. No one but a coward would stoop so low.

"I'm so selfish," he hissed. He strained against Aerith's grasp, wanting so badly to wrench his shoulder out of place again because it would hurt so much less. "I'm awful I'm terrible I'm—"

"Stop!" Aerith commanded.

Riku froze. He didn't have a choice but to. All his muscles wouldn't respond to him, and he couldn't make any sound leave his mouth, either. Somehow he could still breathe, even though, logically, that shouldn't have been possible if he was frozen in place.

"Riku, listen to me. I know you can still hear me."

He could.

"None of that is true. You are not a terrible person because you want to protect yourself."

Her voice was firm, but it shook a little.

"It's an instinct, regardless of what promises we've made. We all want to keep ourselves safe above all else. It's in our nature."

That didn't really make him feel better, but it wasn't like he could tell her that.

"More importantly, Namine does not hate you. She never would. It may be a little off-putting for her to learn that there's a second Namine in your life, I suppose, but to be honest, I'm fairly certain she already knows. And even if she didn't, you'd probably want to tell her yourself, because I'm sure she'd rather hear it from you."

That doesn't mean I want to tell her, Riku thought. He'd say it aloud if he could make his lips move to form the words.

"I get if you're scared," Aerith said. "But people fall in love more than once, Riku. It happens. It'll always happen. Namine won't hate you for loving someone else. And you know why? Because she and that other Namine are two completely different people."

"But they're both Namine…" he mumbled. The spell was wearing off.

Aerith laughed.

"And that alone makes them the same?"

"She is a Replica…"

"Riku, I would think you, of all people, would know better than that! You're a Replica, but how much are you like the 'real' Riku?"

"Not at all," he admitted.

The spell may have worn off by now, but he stayed still. He was trembling, though, the sobs he was still trying to suppress shaking his body every few seconds. Aerith's grip on him had lessened—it had lessened once she'd Stopped him—but her hands were still around his wrists. He slowly moved his hands and gripped her wrists in return, grateful for the anchor.

"Then why would your Namine be anything like the other Namine?" she asked.

He shrugged.

"Because there's always a few similarities. And what if this is one of them?"

"It can't be," Aerith said. "I don't claim to know everything about Replicas, but I'm fairly certain you can't program something like love."

"They managed to program it into me just fine," he said, bitterly.

"I thought you were certain that your feelings were real," Aerith argued, laughing a little.

"They were!" He looked up at her, a little angry.

She only smiled.

"Then why do you doubt Namine's?"

"I…"

But Aerith had him there. His feelings for the other Namine were real enough to him. Why should this Namine's feelings be any less real? There was nothing in her data that could dictate whether or not she loved him.

"But…" he whispered. "But what if she doesn't?"

"Oh, Riku, I- I highly doubt that," Aerith told him, half-laughing, half-crying.

"Really?" he asked.

"Have you seen the way she looks at you?"

He frowned a little, thinking about it. He'd never exactly noticed it while it was happening, but, looking back—not even the way she looked at him. The way her body melted into his as he pulled her close and held her tight. The way she smiled at him. Forgave him, so quickly. The way she hugged him. Held him close. Not as her rock but to comfort him. How she painted him a sky. How she kissed him on the cheek. He could almost feel the spark of her lips, still lingering there. His heart skipped a beat at the thought.

Why would she kiss him if she didn't care about him? He may not have known much about kisses, but he knew that a kiss on the cheek meant the exact opposite of "I hate you". Especially considering how she'd flushed red afterwards, smiling like she did, and oh he loved her so much.

"How am- how am I supposed to tell her?" he asked, laughing, helplessly.

"About what?" Aerith asked. "About how you feel, or about the other Namine?"

"Both sound as scary as hell."

"Hey!" She chuckled. "No swearing in my house!"

"Sorry…"

"I'm sure you'll figure it out, though. It's not as hard as you think."

"If you say so…"

Aerith smiled at him, squeezed his hands, pulled away.

"You feeling any better?" she asked.

"Yeah," he nodded. "Yeah."

He definitely felt better. Not necessarily good. But better.

"That's good."

"Mmhmm."

They sat there for a moment.

Riku swallowed.

"…Aerith?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I… have another hug?"

She looked at him, laughed a little, then opened her arms wide. "Of course you can! You can always have another hug."

He hesitated a second, but went over to her. She grabbed him by the arm and pulled him closer, hugging him tight. He hugged her back, clinging to her, because it was so real and he couldn't convince himself that it wasn't. Couldn't trick himself into thinking no one cared about him. Not when someone was holding him like this.

"And Riku?" Aerith said, quietly.

"Mm?"

He didn't look up at her. Didn't move. He didn't want to.

"If you… ever need to talk. Or a hug—" she laughed a little "—I'm always here. Whenever you need me. Okay?"

"Even at three in the morning?" he asked, chuckling.

"Especially at three in the morning."

He grinned. "You better not complain when I bang on your door, then."

"So long as you don't pop up right in the middle of my bedroom, I don't think I'll be complaining."

He burst out laughing, and she started laughing too. He had to pull away from her, he was laughing so hard. He didn't know what it was, but he couldn't stop laughing, couldn't stop grinning—he just felt happy.

"Hey, Riku," Aerith said, once their laughter had finally stopped.

"Yeah?"

"Y'know this family we've got here?" she asked. "Me and Cid and Leon and Yuffie?"

"That's a family?" Riku laughed a little. He was only teasing.

"Of course it is!" Aerith said, but she was grinning, clearly not too offended. "And… there is room for more."

Riku looked at her, really looked at her, confusion scrunching up his brow, jaw hanging open a little. He wasn't entirely sure what she meant, but the implications of what she could have just offered were heavy.

"I. What," Riku said, all other words failing him.

"I mean it," Aerith continued, considering him with that patient smile, warmth in her eyes. "If you want it. There's… you know. Room in this family for you, too."

"I. I'm."

He raked a hand through his hair, reeling back a little as the weight of her offer washed over him. It was hard to breathe. A million things seemed to be roiling in his chest—and among them, a small, burning spark of hope.

"Are, are you serious?" Riku asked, his voice squeaking. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He couldn't believe what she was offering.

But Aerith nodded.

Aerith nodded, and there was this… thing, burning in her eyes. A determination.

"I am," she told him, and her voice shook, but there was nothing about her tone that was insincere. "I'm completely serious. If you want a place in this family, it's yours. I just—" She stopped here, and seemed to fumble a few moments with her words. "I just want to see you happy, Riku," she said finally.

Riku pressed a hand to his face, gasping a little bit for air, unable to describe the tightness that sat in his chest. It was so much, it was too much.

"I…" he began, but stopped, as the hope in him turned sharply to despair. He ducked his head down. He didn't deserve this. "I…"

"Don't say you can't," Aerith interrupted, somehow reading his mind. "Don't you dare. You deserve a family, a place to call home, as much as everyone else does. I understand if you don't want it, but don't you dare say you don't deserve it, because that's not true." Her voice cracked, and there were tears burning in her eyes, and it was so much, so much…

"Are- are you sure?" Riku asked, still gasping for air, because this was too good to be true and impossibly more than he could have imagined.

Aerith nodded. "I'm absolutely sure, Riku. If you want this—"

"What about everyone else?" Riku asked, rapidly. Things were swelling in his chest and it still felt like he wasn't allowed (but he was and it was beautiful) but he worried, because this was so new, and he'd never had a family before and this seemed kind of unorthodox but Aerith won't budge and— "What will they think? Leon, and, and Yuffie, and—"

"Leon will understand," Aerith assured him. "And I think Yuffie understands this as well as you do. Cid? Can deal." She laughed there, then clarified: "But he's not going to mind either."

"I…"

It was still so much, so unfathomably much.

Aerith waited patiently for him to answer.

"Please," Riku said, his voice barely more than a whisper.

He felt so vulnerable, like his head was on the chopping block, his heart raw and laid bare, but he wanted this. He wanted this so bad, didn't know how badly he wanted it until it was being offered to him. The thought of being surrounded by people who cared about him, of having a family to call his own? That was the most beautiful thing he'd ever known.

"Of course," Aerith answered, and she pulled him into a hug.

Riku laughed with relief, and he cried, even though this was a silly thing to cry about, because it wasn't sad, it was happy and wonderful. His heart was just too full of emotion to hold it all in. It still felt too good to be true.

But he clung to Aerith. And she clung to him. And his mind spun to try and take in all that had just happened.

Finally he got over the initial shock enough to shift and look at Aerith, asking one of the questions that was on his mind.

"Does… does that mean I have to stay here?" he asked. "Live here? Because, I still have to…"

"I know," Aerith cut him off. "You don't have to live here—not if you don't want to. Cloud doesn't, and he's still family. But… there's room, if you want to live here, once you're done."

"I'm not sure I…" Riku began, but trailed off, not sure what his plans were. The end of the Rebellion still seemed so far off, and it was hard to plan that far ahead.

"That's okay," Aerith said. "Just know that you're always welcome here. There will always be a bed waiting for you. Or, a couch, depending on how full the house is at the time." She laughed a little at that.

Riku laughed too, tears welling up in his eyes again. This was all so impossibly beautiful.

"Namine too…?" he asked, hesitantly.

"If she wants it," Aerith answered, with a shrug. Then she smiled slyly. "I thought… you were planningto leave her forever, though."

Riku blushed with embarrassment, knowing what she was doing.

"We'll… we'll see what the results are," he relented. "Then me and Namine will talk about it."

Aerith beamed.