QUESTION 20, PART 2

JoKer's Note: hAppY biRThdaY to kitteN! i'm sneaKing inTo youR rOOm tonight to hIt on You as mY pReseNt. i waNt to see youR scars, toO. heH heh.

Dear Joker,

I am the imaginary friend of a man we'll call... "Foreskin Face". Foreskin Face secretly worships an acquaintance of ours, whom we'll call "Jokester". (He's the coolest guy this place has ever seen!) Foreskin Face likes to pretend that the sporks in the Arkham Asylum's cafeteria are Jokester's knives, and he uses them to terrorize Louie, the semi-catatonic man who wants to grow up to be a centipede. It's really embarrassing to be his invisible friend, but since I'm a figment of his imagination, there's nothing I can do. The only time I get to make a physical appearance is when Foreskin Face feels insecure about his manhood (which is nowhere near the size of Jokester's). He compensates by creating me: he puts a symbolic testicle sack on his head. That's really all I am. Just a nutsack with a voice.

Here's the problem: Foreskin Face is fascinated by Jokester, but knows he's not smart enough to understand all of his grand ideas. Quite simply, he lacks in intellectual prowess. His self-esteem sinks every time he hears the brilliance of Jokester's words, and he really doesn't want to listen to them anymore, because it makes him feel all the dimmer. How can I advise him to overcome his inferiority? (It's not a complex if it's a fact.)

Hugs and snuggly bears,

Scarecrow

- - - REPLY - - -

i, uh, tooK the liBerty of rePrinTing your oRiginaL letteR, so the goOd readers of gOthaM can seE what i'M resPondinG to. iT's slightLy ediTed, but thE conTent is sTill prettY much the sAme.

Heh… ha Haha… ah… heh…

Yeeeeaaaahhhhh….

So, i'm BaCk from the conVenIent store. tHose KoreAns never faiL to aMusE me. I'Ve roBbed that sTore, liKe, seVen times in thE laSt ten moNths, and iT's juSt been one maDcAP adventure aFter anotHer.

...SackcRow you shouLd haVe been tHere. it Was a siGHt.

Have you eVer watched a reTaRDed kid at DisneYLand when someone waLKs by weaRing the GooFY cosTume?

ha HaHA

heAd out to AnaheIm, kicK your heeLs up on a BenCh and enJoY the show. Or, JusT watch me RoB Mr. PaK's store.

(...SiX of one, haLf a DoZen of the other...)

EitheR scenaRio will inVoLve uninteLLigiBle shrieKing, arm fLaiLing, foOd-throWing, loss of bLadder contRoL, and reallY unfLatteRing orthoPEdic (but comFY!) shoEs. aNd theRe's usuaLLy a sTePped-on package of Tastee KaKes in there someWhere, toO.

The hiJinKs started toNight when i waLKed in and saw GReat-GranDma Fu PeE Pak at the counTEr, right behInd the DoLLy MadIson sNack dispLay. i coVered my mOuth, kIssed my paLm and threW it her waY with a reSounding sMacK: "MwAH! Who loVes ya, baBy?"

(heRe's where yOu cue the hIgh-pitcheD unintelligibLe shrieKing, arm flailing, foOd-throWing, loSs of bLadDer contRoL, and orthoPedic shoEs)

GranDpa Kok Pu Pak came aFter me with a

...bRoom

from the stoReroOm, because GrandMA PinG PooP PaK still can'T fiGure out how to Load an AmerIcan-made shoTgun. (She cRies a lot, and iT's funnY.) GrandPa dIdn't make it doWn the aisLe because he tRippeD on the oVerturned cAns of PringLes. UncLe

Dik...

...Pik

Pak

materialiZed out of noWhere (i thinK he sLeeps on the sheLf with the incontiNence paDs), wieLding someThing that looKed like nuMchucKs, but he accidenTallY cLocked cousIn Lo Sak Pak in the bAck of the noggiN' as he sPun them in the aiR.

The imPortaNt tHing is,

I graBbed my

... raspberry ZingeRs

and spLit.

i Came. i sAw. i pRovoKed. aNd it was GooD.

...i liKe proVoKing peopLe. I LikE pushIng their buttonS. Know whY?

Because...

I

am a BaStard.

i liKe being a bAstarD. It's fun. IT's who I aM. And i Just gottA be me, right?

...WhaT is a basTard, yoU ask?

It's the guY who doEs the stuFf you onLy WiSH you couLd do... withoUT hiDing underNeath a sacK to dO iT.

BastaRds push PeopLe in front of on-coMing traiNs, tell chiLdren that the

bOogeyman

lives unDEr their beds (hE's gonna GEt yA!),

peE on park BenCh seats, beLch during LoVe scenes at the moVIes, adJust theIr croTches while WinKing at nUns, steaL Children's MiracLe NetwoRk doNation boXes, spraY paint pOOdLes with poLKa dots, sPreaD coTtage chEese on theIr boDieS befOre bed (it'S an aPhrodisiaC!)

and bLow up

hosPitaLs.

BeIng a basTaRd is very LiberatiNg.

maYbe if FoREskin faCe were moRe of a bAstaRd, and lEss of a puSSy, JokESter wouLd pause lOng enouGh to sTop talKing and waTch him.

MayBe if fOresKin fAce pRoved his mettLe by acTing liKe a man and leSS liKe a

dicK in an oVersizeD-conDom

he wouLd EArN the resPect fRom jOkester,

who wouLd taLk less and

...watCh more

and thErebY not unTowarDly affecT Mr. Foresky's deLicate ego wiTh iDeas and woRds that are tOO bIg for him to unDerstand.

sHouLd JoKESter eVer finD his waY bacK into ArkHam (onLY if the BAT can fInd him), i thiNk therE's reaLLy only one thing that ForeSkiN faCe couLd do, to eaRn this reSpect, whIch wouLd transLate into siLence: shAve his heaD and geT a giAnt tattOO that saYs, "JokEster's baD-ass bItch". tHat wouLd definiTely earN him resPect from JoKester.

OtherWise

the onLy waY he can possIbLY block ouT the joKester's illuStrious worDs is tO

raM an iCe pick into boTh eaRs and peRforate the earDrums.

sO, um...

yeah. tHat's my adVice for youR paL.

as foR YOU...

i adVise you tO get a nEw look. ScRotal sacKs are Just SO LasT yEar. aLL the aLteR egos on the rUnwaYs of MiLan and pAris are now sPorting giant douCHe bottLes on their heAds. nOw therE's a faShion tRend that i wOuld endoRse for you.

-JoKER

Pee Ess: jOkesteR is eNjoying his new roLe in the worLd of jourNalism by thReateninG to caStratE the eDitor of tHis coLumn if he wOn't prinT the repLies. iT's funnY how attaChed some mEN get to theiR baLLs. Not thaT you wouLd knoW. you MaY be a sacK, but you'Re definiTely riDing in a BaLL-Free Zone, atoP Jonny- i MeaN, ForeSkiN faCe's shouLders.

P.P.S. To foLLow up on a coNversAtion we HaD lasT year...

you'Re not the boSs of my nostRiLs.

-4oC, 2009.08.31