QUESTION 21
Seeing as how Ms. Grace isn't here anymore and I REALLY need some advice, I decided to ask you. Okay, so, I've been seeing this guy for about three months now, (we work in the same office building,) and I really like him, but, well, to be quite blunt, he's starting to get really…touchy feely with me, you know what I'm saying? He and I haven't really been together before, and he's been getting really…aggressive with me lately and I'm a little scared. I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him to back off though. I'm afraid that if I tell him to cool off that he'll try to . . . you know . . . do stuff to me. He knows where I live and he has a key to my apartment.
Please help me.
-Kayla
- - - REPLY - - -
LasT night i had a dReam I wAs a couPon.
a cOupon.
...what the heLL is THaT aBout?
It wasN't for twentY buCks off a sEt of BridgEstone tIres, or for a diScounted ticKet to the GothAm MuSeum of Modern Art. i was a CouPon for $1.00 oFf a PizZa Hut stuFfed-cRust piZza.
Double-yew Tee Eff, boYs and GiRLs?
tHe BATmAn was goinG to uSe me (me!) tO order hIS dinNer, so he cOuLd saVe some mooLah. baTMan, if You'Re reading tHis (and i KnoW yoU aRe, you toILet waNd),
yoU can'T afford to gAin weiGht, there, bRo.
FATmaN wouLd neVer staNd a chAnce of catChing me, and yOu've got thaT tight KevLar suit to thiNk of. BLack maY be slimming, anD you dO haVe that caPe to hide your pRobLem spoTs... buT the seAt in youR littLe BaT-ScooTer is proBably moLded to youR curRent ASS diMentions. yOu don'T waNt to haVe to get a New sEat, do YoU? oRder a saLaD fOr diNner insTead. i'm just looKin' out foR you, PaL, oKay?
i wiSh I Knew a comPetent psychIatrist, so i couLd inQuire as to the sYmboLism of tHaT dReam. The onLY doctor wHo comes to mInd liKes to plaY dRess-uP with potato sAcks. he'd proBaBly tell me that he idoL-worshiPs me and that he's seXually impoTent, but i aLready knoW that. aNd now, so dO all mY readErs. Ha HA, taKe that, Jonny-Boy. Ha.
...But I digesT
(tHank You, mALaproPisms)
.
.
.
wOw. tHere are so ManY stupiFYing reMarkS in tHis lettEr, i HardLy know wHere to sTart.
Hello, littLe giRL.
you maY be oLd enough to WorK in an oFfice… but menTallY, you're sTill a LittLe girL.
And a duMb little girl, aT that.
i kNow youR tYpe, yOu knOw. beTTer thAn you tHinK.
yoU'Re just aNother sOft-hEarted, spIneLess giRL who waNts tO overLooK the bAd beHavior of a mAn, so you cAn jusTify haVing oNe in yoUr life. yOu prObabLY sPend yOur tiMe waTching the oXyGen cHanneL, beLievIng youRseLf to be a liBerated moDern woMan... but yoU secRetly piNe for this man to show some senTimentaL (cRap) sIgn thaT yoU're woRth loVing (hA haHa), anD you woNder who wouNDed youR littLe snuGgLy-wumPuMS to maKe him tuRn out so goSh-daRned bad in the fIrsT pLace.
goLLY, mAybE if you jUst waLk verY, vERy carefullY around his feeLinGs, maYbe he won'T... you know, dO stuFf to you.
wAke up and SmeLL the aMmonium NiTratE, dUmb liTTle GirL.
nIce meN doN't make a wOman fEeL unComfoRtabLe. onLy bAd meN do. geT it?
yOu aIn't in KanSas, DorOthY. (AnD desPite the FacT tHat theRe's someone in aRkHam who cLAims to bE a ScarecRow, thiS aIn'T Oz, eiTher.) This is GothAm, babY.
GoTHaM.
tHere aRe a lot of BaD men in thIs roTten cIty... aNd bAd men canNot be reHabiliTated wiTh a caLming cuP of chamomiLe tea and the loVe of a teNder woMan. The soONer you get that thRough yOur dumb littLe heaD, the wIser you'LL be.
"he's starting to get really…touchy feely with me, you know what I'm saying?"
Yes, dimWit, i knOw what You'Re saying. wHere i cOme from, we hAve
...other woRds
for "tOuchy-feeLY"
but i kNow eXactLY wHat tHat meAns.
MoST men in tHis city are kNucKLe-draGging creTins who thInk with theIR cRotchEs, if theY're caPabLe of muStering eVen that muCh inteLLigence. (tHey do maKe good hEnchmen, i'LL giVe them tHat.) Here's a GenerAL ruLe for unDerstanDing the maLe seX: mEn wAnt to sTick thEir DicKs wHereVer theY can geT aWay wIth it. we'Re aniMaLs, soMe moRe than OtheRs. eVerYone knOws this. sO
wHy wouLd it surPrise you tHat he'S pusHinG to gEt eXactLy what iT's in his nAture tO want?
i'M not deFenDing his beHavior, onLY eXpLaining it.
whY do you "really like him" if hE's doing someThing that You DON'T LiKe? Are you SeRiously afraid of huRTing his feeLings bY teLLing hiM to back ofF? If you tHInk he's aGgresSiVe now…
… just waIt untiL he geTs to kNow you beTter. aNd i caN tell You rIght now... tHis gUy isn'T goinG anYwhere.
Let me oFfer some perSPectiVe:
If a womAn aLLowed me to behaVe badLY around her,
I wouLd.
...i'M a man.
...It'S what We do.
wE enJoy PuShiNg bounDarIes, to see JusT how muCh wE caN get awaY with.
(eVen if she DidN't aLLow me to beHave badLy i StiLL wouLd, beCause i liKe to see gOod giRLs sQuirM. HeH hEH. i AM a bad mAn, so thIs shouLd sUrprIse no One.)
hE's not gOing to StOp wIth hIs aGgressIve mOves, eSpeciaLLy now that hE has the KeY to your aPartMent. aNd on tHat subJect, just HOW did hE get a keY to your pLacE? Were you so truSting, Dumb LittLE GirL, that you gaVe it to him afTer knoWing him onLy tHRee months? Or did he
staLk you,
sTEaL your Key and
maKe a coPy?
yOu saId he wOrKs in the saMe offiCe buiLding. was tHat your cOy littLe way of admiTTing that yOu woRk in the saMe comPanY?
I truSt you've heaRd the warNing aBout not diPping one's pen in coMpanY inK… so whY wouLd you let tHis man diP his pen(is) in your cOmpaNy inkbottLe? hmmmmMmm? dO you enJoY beinG foDder for offiCe gossiP? dO you reaLiZe you've saBotagEd youR oWn rePutatIon in the OffIce bY gettIng inVolvEd with a feLLow emPloYee? iF eVeryone doesn't aLreadY knoW, theY'll soOn fiGure it OuT. tHe goo-gOo eYes yoU unDoubTedLy maKe at hIm are a dEAd giVe-aWay.
Let me JuSt suMMariZe what i'm rEading in yOur letTer: you'Ve wiLLingLy taRnished your own RePUtation at wOrk to dAte a mAn who dOesn't reSpect you, maY raPe you iF you dOn't just GivE in to hIm anYway, and he hAs the kEY to the onLy safE pLace you hAve.
As i was saYing, you aRe
Very, verY duMb.
Aren't you, LittLe GirL?
aNd now you'Re asKing for MY heLp.
dO you wAnt me to KiLL him foR you? iS thaT what yOu're trYing to asK, in your GoOd LittLe GirL waY?
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.
.
i dOn'T do reQuests.
.
.
.
buT i wIll giVe you mY adviCe. bE sMart, for a chAnge, and takE iT:
The onLY one waY to comMunicate effectiVelY with an agGressiVe thug Like this iS in a LanguaGe that he'LL undersTand: steeL and gUnPoWDer. That's the kind of coMmuniCation i'm taLKing aBout.
gEt a GUN and kiLL him. enD of sTorY.
This iS your onLy oPtion, becAuse i can teLL from youR letter that you doN't have the forTitude to tell him foRCefullY to stoP. eVen if you Did, he wouLdn't. Either kiLL him now, or eventually,
He WILL kiLL you.
Do it, DumB LittLe GirL. i daRe you (scAre You). I'll eVen leT you bLame iT on me. How's that sOund? WheN the GothAm poLice are cuFfing you, as tHeY steP oVer his eXpLoded braInpan on your nIce BerbEr carPet, tell thEm,
"The joKeR made mE do iT."
Then, anD onLy then, wouLd I stoP thinKing of you as a Dumb LittLe Girl. It would giVe me gReat pLeasure to seNd mY neXt letter to You, in your ceLL at the GothAm Women's MaXimum SecuRitY prison…
…and I wiLL adDress yOu
as KaYLa.
-JokEr
P.S. wHen yoU'Re in prIson, i'LL senD you a puRple diLdo to pLay witH. yoU don'T neeD a maN to maKe you feEL good, just a sTurdy tOy. iF you puMp moRe than tHree buLLets inTo the tHug's heaD, i'll eVen seNd you a ToY that reQuires baTTeries. Ha HA! heh Heh hEH...
pee S. Ess. Now I wAnt a piZza for dinner. i wiSh I had a "me" from mY dream Last nigHt, so i couLd sAVe a buCk.
-4oC, 2009.09.13