QUESTION 23
Dear Joker,
I'm all about the psychedelic, mind-expanding drugs and my mom hates it. She's threatened to kick me out but I'm pretty sure she's not serious, her threats are mostly empty. The thing is, she doesn't know I've been doing psychedelics, she only knows I smoke weed and that I was thinking of doing more. If she finds out about the rest of my drug usage she'll bitch out. So basically I've been lying my ass off to her for several months now and I kind of want to keep it that way. I don't necessarily like lying to her but I don't want her to hate me if I tell her. Help me out here.
Mary Jane
- - - REPLY - - -
Hiya, marY jane.
I gotta asK this right ofF the bat…
...HA! i said BAT!(man is a one-baLLed rodEnt with funkY-smeLLing toe Jam)
So… um,
Do you LiKe spiders, MaRy Jane?
haHa HA!
I was Just asKing because theRe's a reaLLy big hairY one cLimBing up your aRm righT now. tHought you migHt want to know, in caSe you mIght be arachnoPhoBic.
oH, wait a mInute. yoU ARE araChnophobic.
...Wanna kNow how i Know that?
because I'm reaDing it riGht here in your dIarY. yeP. The one with the tie-dYed coVer in bright pINKs and oRanges. the oNe you'Ve been JournaLing your tHoughts in fOr the Last seVenTeen months.
The one I stoLe right out of YOur book bAg as I foLLoWed you nine bLocks through GothAm night beFore Last. i gUess you dIdn't see me whEn I reaChed in and eVen yanKed on the baG as it resTed on your SHouLder.
(spidErs sPiders spIders feeL the spiderSssssss crawLing across your feeeeeeeEet)
I'm guessiNg you also haVen't noticed that i cut off a locK of your hair with a sWitchbLade as I follOWed you.
.
.
.
I can slice oFF parTs of peopLe using onLy oNe hand, you Know, Mary Jane.
But I used TWO hands last night, as I heLd your hair with onE hand, and saWed with the othEr. I had both mY hanDs on yoUr head, and you dIdn't notiCe. did You?
...I gUess you've got the hal-Lu-SIN-o-gens to thanK for that. CooL.
i'M aLL for personaL freeDom. Do whateVer the heLL you wanT. It's your Life, and Your boDy.
Want to pIerce your geniTals? HaVe at it. From what you'vE written in your Diary, it's about the onLy pArt of you NOT pieRced. (ARen't you the reBeL?)
wanT to buRn down a schooL? MazeltoV. I love uneDucated citY thugs, because tHey make gooD recRuits.
Want to taTtoo your bodY with a dirty needLe? Bonzai. i'll send you a DougHnut that I've taKen a bite out oF, if you get a tAttoo that says "I loVe chaos", onLy insTead of the word loVe, do the heaRt-thingy.
WanT to take hallucinoGens and teLL your mOm to go fuCk herseLf, if she doEsn't like it? Awesome. I thinK you shouLd do it. The reaDers of this aRticle totally suppOrt youR right to do sO, too, as do the tHugs in this ciTy - goTham. They'll deFinitely have their eYes open, looKing for you froM their dark alleY hideouTs, MarY Jane. juSt like SPideRs.
(are the sPiders from the psYchedeLics… or are thEY reeeeeeeeal? Hmmmmmm?)
Taking pSYchedeLics while waLking the streEts of Gotham is really sMart. Good caLL, Mary Jane. You definiTely don't want to Be awaRe of your surrounDings. It's much BetteR to compromIse your abiLity to think clearLy than it is to have a sharP mind whEn being stalked by gAng-bangeRs.
(...serIousLy, there's a bIG spider on Your aRm. I thinK it actually has eLeVen legs insTead of Just 8.)
You're worRYing about the wRong tHing. Who carEs what your mom thiNKs about your dRug use? What you reaLLy need to wOrry about is aLL the spideRs that are craWLing aLL oVer you.
My aDvice is to use your dRug connections to buY a hanDgun. Handguns and psycheDelic drugs are a greaT combination! Only gooD things comE from miXing the two. Get a handgUn, and the neXt time you see a sPIder with twentY-three legs crawLing on your thigh, or a fuZZy tarantuLa with thiRty-eight legS and seVenteen eYes crawling up your ARm, you shouLd shOOt the spider off wiTh youR gun.
Yeahhhhhhhh...
Shoot thoSe spidErs, Mary Jane. You knoW that they crawL under youR skin, don't You? yoU can feeL them iNching uP under the muscLes, their spinDly legs tickLing the bOnes and tenDons as theY scuRRy (theY're furrY!) up insIde you inTo your braIn. SpideRs loVe to buRy thEmseLves in peopLe's braiNs, you kNow.
Can you FEEL them in theRe, Mary JaNe? Can you feeL the SpiderS runniNg around insIde your hEad, craWLing
...in aNd out and In and out...
and back iNTo the foLds of yOur fRontaL loBe? Can you feeL tHem trYing to crawL out of YoUr earsssssssss and BaCk into
...your moUth? tHey're betWeen your teeTh, mAry jAne, snaKing doWn into yOur guMs, under your
ToNGuE.
I thiNk you can feeL them. (cRawLing scurrYing sNeaKing) i thinK you nEed to get that hanDgun, and kiLL the spIders in yOur heaD. Kill tHem, MarY janE.
JusT put the barreL to youR ear and
puLL the tRigger.
No mOre sPideRs.
And
...no
...more
...Mary
...Jane.
hA!
-joKer
p.S. an enOrmous, furrY fucKer of an araChnId just crAwLed into youR haIr. And i see a tRaiL of a hundRed of his BesT spIdeY frienDs foLLowing in his footSteps. dAmn, thoSe thingS haVe a lot of LeGs.
-4oC, 2009.10.09