QUESTION 25
Dear Joker,
I'm jealous of my best friend. It seems like shes perfect and she just CAN'T do a $$#ing thing wrong. But at the same time I still want to stay friends with her, but this is driving me insane.I could really use some help with this.
-Spazm
- - - REPLY - - -
SpaZm sort of rhYmes with
oRgaSm.
i jusT noticed that. Yeah.
...HeH heh... hA.
oKey-DokeY.
here's what I see: Your best fRiend is not peRfect.
...hOw do i Know?
weLL...
If she weRe,
she - herseLf -
would haVe a perFect best friend… and not sOme sniVeLing, whinY-ass jeaLous "pal" liKe YoU.
Are you a tOad, sPaZm? aRe you a misShaPen shriMp, who couLd be cLassifIed as a "ruNt" (rhyMes with vAgina)? It could Be that she keePs you around juSt to make herSelf look pRettier by comPArison.
aRe you a reTaRd? SpeNd a loT of time watChing reaLity TV shows aiRing on vH-1? MaYbe she leTs you sPend time with Her to bOOst others' peRcePtion of her inteLLectual proWess and sTreet sMarts (rhyMEs with sWeet fArts). Pfffffffft - ha Ha!
aRe you conVersatioNallY obtuse beCause you'Re a LoneR (RHymes with bonEr)? do you eMit all the chaRm of a uSed coNdom? Perhaps your presEnce makes her personaLity all the more sCintiLLating.
PerfeCt peopLe don't neeD to surroUnd themseLVes with others wHo are cosmeTically, intellectuaLLy and sOciallY inFerior to them, bEcause they understAnd their own worTh. tHeY don't nEed to unDerscore it by KeePing someone aRound who represeNts the LoWest Common denOMinator (you) as a baseLine YardsticK (rHymEs with cArd tRick rhYmes with HaRd DicK).
it souNds Like that's the purPose you seRVe, which vaLidates my assertion that she's nOT perfEct.
HoweVer,
it sounds liKe she dEfinitely is suPerioR to you.
...YeP.
ThaT means that you'Ve been aIming way aboVe your head, here, SpAzm. It's imPortAnt to understand your Limits: don't trY out for Varsity qUarterBack when you're onLy fit to cLean Jock straPs, whicH rhymeS with CocK sLaps. hA haHa Ha saLami sLappinG...
go maKe a nEW friend. SomeOne wHo's ugLier, dumber, and more sociaLLY inePt than yoU are. With tHis new frIend, you can pLot the iDeaL time to shoVe Ms. SupeRior in front of An oncoMing bus. TheN she'LL be a deaD
duCK.
.
.
...Pie
...ShaWLs.
daNg it, i wisH I couLd think of somEthinG cRude that rhYmeS with dUcK pIe sHawls.
-joKEr
-4oC, 2009.10.13