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Chapter 10:
"Ashley! Hey! Wait up!" she had exited as quickly and quietly as she could, not wanting her new training team to watch her breakdown. Trying and failing to cover the tears streaming down her face, she turned towards the voice calling her name. "What do you want Reid?" she asked, too exhausted to hide the misery she was feeling. Shame washed over her as she saw the look of uncensored concern on Spencer's face. "I just wanted to see if you were okay." he replied. Seaver laughed, "Why? So you can tear me down further? Why would you care? You made it pretty clear today that I wasn't your favorite person." "What?" he asked, confusion marring his features. "Oh, you thought because I set you straight that I hated you? No, Ashley listen, I've had to do that so many times. I honestly shouldn't have snapped at you like that, and I'm sorry. But, that's beside the point. Do you want to grab a coffee and talk?"
"I don't really think I'd be the best company right now. I just really want to go home and go to sleep." She turned to leave as he gently grabbed her arm. "Ashley, please, grab coffee with me. If you still want to go home after, then you can, but I think you might find it's better to talk to someone." "How would you know? You're the FBI's golden boy. You can do no wrong." She was surprised by the dark chuckle he let out. "I know more than you think. I'm not as innocent as I look." So Seaver had agreed to get coffee with him, if only to understand the darker side the doctor never let show.
"Okay, we're at Starbucks. Now what? Is this the part where you rip into me for being an idiot?" she asked warily. "What? No!" he protested. "Um, this is the part where I ask you how you are and try to help you." "You should yell at me." she muttered, eyes downcast. "What I did was stupid and reckless. I could've gotten myself killed." "But why did you do it?" he asked. "What was so important about going back to that house that you had to put yourself into jeopardy like that?" It was all she could do to hold back the tears as she said, "I couldn't get over the guilt I had about my dad. I thought, if I could just find one family to apologize to; then maybe the guilt would be gone. Maybe I wouldn't feel so responsible for the destruction he caused." She glanced up at him through her eyelashes, and was surprised by the response she was. She'd expected him to look at her with pity or disgust, not understanding. Reid fiddled with his styrofoam cup for a few minutes before asking, "Do you want to maybe go take a walk through that park, or do you want to stay and talk here?" "Um, we can go for a walk, I guess." she'd replied before following him out the door.
At first they walked in silence, but then he started talking in a slow and deliberate manner; almost as if he was forcing the words out, like they'd been inside him for too long. "Did anyone ever tell you about the time I was taken hostage by an unsub?" he asked. "No, what happened." "About three years, eight months, and nine days ago we got a call about a man who was murdering people for their 'sins'. We'd just learned that he suffered from dissociative identity disorder, but we were nowhere close to catching him. The sheriff had told Hotch about how a samaritan had been walking his dog when he saw someone peering into the window of the first victims' house. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to him, and I realized that he was the unsub. The man had noticed that we were onto him and ran into the cornfield. I ran after him and left JJ to search the barn. A few minutes later, I heard JJ scream and was knocked out by the unsub. When I came back around, I was handcuffed to a chair in an abandoned cabin and an angel was pointing a revolver at my head. I was able to keep him from shooting me, but my relief was short-lived. The next time I met him, it was the man's father, who was his second personality. The father accused me of being a sinner and beat me with a log. The pain was unbearable. Finally, the last of the man's personalities, the son, came across me. He was more sympathetic than the other two, and tried to 'help me' by drugging me with dilaudid. He drugged me three more times after, so by the time the team found me, I was an addict."
"Reid." He waved off her voiced concern. "It took me four months to get clean, and I can't even begin to tell you how arduous it was to stay that way. After about nine and a half months being sober, there was this case where I watched a kid get shot in front of me. The guilt over watching him die was so bad that I started getting these intense cravings. It didn't matter that it wasn't my fault, the guilt was just eating me so bad that I would've given anything to forget. A few weeks after I went to my first Beltway Clean Cops meeting and was called out by a case. The unsub was a high school student who had been severely bullied. He was murdering his captors and the profile said he would most likely end up committing suicide by cop. I knew, if I was forced to watch or partake in his death, then I would fall back into that pit I had worked so hard to dig myself out of. So, I told Hotch and Morgan that the kid was going to visit his mother's grave, instead of the police station where we were protecting his girlfriend. I ended up handing Prentiss my weapon and walking unarmed toward the unsub. I blocked the team's shot and was able to talk him down. I was able to get him out alive. The team was so incredibly pissed at me and Morgan wouldn't talk to me for two months, but I knew it was worth it. I had saved a life and prevented myself from letting the darkness consume me."
"Ashley, I'm telling you this because I understand what it's like to want to forget. To be so consumed by guilt, it follows you everywhere. And, um I brought you here to help you. You see that building, that's where the Beltway Clean Cops meetings are held. I'd like for you to come with me." "Why?" she asked defensively, "I'm not an addict." Reid sighed, "While its primary purpose is to help struggling addicts, it's open to any law enforcement officer going through a difficult time. It's meant to support everyone, no matter their background. I've got to go, it's about to start. But, just think about it. It might help."
He turned and walked into the brightly lit building. Seaver sat on the bench, trying to absorb everything he'd just told her. If anyone else had told her that Spencer Reid was a drug addict, she would've told them they were insane. But, after talking to him, she realized every word he said was true and it had taken a lot to tell her. She deliberated a minute longer before following him inside. Seaver stood in the shadow of the doorway, listening to the attendees make their introductions. The leader then asked if anyone wanted to speak, and she was surprised to watch Reid stand up. "Hi everyone." he said in his awkward and shy manner of speaking. "My name is Spencer and I was addicted to Dilaudid. I've been clean for three years, four months, and nine days. There have been times where I've had these intense cravings, like when I was shot in the knee last year, and I'll be the first to admit that I've had a few close calls. But I'm not here about myself tonight. I'm here because of a new colleague. She's not an addict or anything, but she's going through a difficult time and I'm worried about her. I'm terrified that if she continues down this road, then she'll spiral into something she can't bounce back from. I don't want that for her. I don't want that for anyone. All I can do is hope that she'll let me do for her what no one was able to do for me. To help her find the light again, because no one should have to battle this darkness on their own."
Seaver wiped the gathering tears from her eyes and stepped into the room. She watched Reid give her a reassuring and relieved smile before sitting down. Taking a deep breath she said, "Hi. My name's Ashley and my father was a serial killer." Seaver told her story, not leaving out a single detail and pouring out all the guilt she'd felt over the years. She had never realized how great it felt to talk to people about what she had gone through, she was glad that she had followed Reid into the building. Ashley sat and listened as other law enforcement officers talked about their battles and was amazed at how supportive everyone was. The two hour meeting felt as if it was only ten minutes and she was disappointed when it came to an end.
"Spencer?" she said, as she and Reid were walking to his car. "Yes?" "Thank you, for bringing me here. It, um, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders." "I'm glad. Um, you know, you're more than welcome to come to the weekly meetings with me if you want." "Yeah, I'd like that. Would, um, would you mind being my sponsor? Just so I can talk to someone when I'm struggling." His features brightened at her question, "I'd love to. Just promise me that there will be no secrets between us." he said. "Great! And of course." she said. They kept walking for a few minutes before she asked him, "Is it okay if I call you Spence? I mean, not when we're at work or anything, but maybe when we're alone." "I'd really like that Ashley."
"Except, I guess he meant no secrets for me." she said bitterly, finishing her story. She glanced up at her teammates, but found that no one would meet her eyes. "He never told me." Morgan muttered. "He didn't tell anyone." JJ said. "Why didn't he tell us? Did he say?" she asked Ashley. "Um, he said that he felt like none of you would understand. He didn't want to make the first move, but none of you approached him." "We all thought Gideon would." Hotch murmured. "He did," Ashley said, "but apparently the only advice Gideon could give him was to make sure it didn't impact his work." "He should've have come to us. We would've helped him." Morgan said angrily. "He probably thought that we would baby him or that we would reject him." Prentiss said guiltily. "I can only imagine how he must have felt when he found out Hotch told me to take that beating for him." "Wait, that was true?" Garcia asked. Hotch nodded, "I was terrified that another encounter like what happened with Hankle would push Reid over the edge. I told Emily to protect him, no matter the cost. I wonder how he found out, he never said anything."
"What about everything else he said?" Seaver asked. "Did you really tell an unsub that he made your life a living hell and beat the shit out of him?" Hotch nodded guiltily, "It was the only way to get the gun I had strapped to my shin, I thought he knew I was just acting." "What about Rossi not wanting anything to do with him?" It was Rossi's turn to look guilty, "A few months back on the job, I had to go to Pennsylvania. Hotch suggested Reid go with me and I was less than enthusiastic. I guess it hurt the kid more than I thought it would." They all reflected on their own interactions with Reid, things that they had brushed off as teasing or part of the job, but might have hurt their colleague. "Guys," JJ's voice broke through their reflection, "Doyle's asking to videochat."
"Okay, everyone out! Doyle's wants me. I don't want him trying to hurt any of you." Prentiss ordered. "I don't think so Emily." Morgan said. "We're with you, for better or worse." Garcia reassured her. Emily gave her teammates a relieved smile, she wouldn't have to watch Reid being tortured by herself. With a heavy heart, she hit accept.
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