QUESTION 26
Dear Joker,
I am twenty years old, going to college, and working. But, I don't really want to get a better job (I'm working at Carvel, an ice cream store) or maintain a home on my own. I'd rather just hang out and play video games, read, and do puzzles. How can I motivate myself to keep moving forward in life?
Sincerely,
Worried
- - - REPLY - - -
yoU work in an iCe cREam store? LiKe, with Ice creaM?
...(eYes creAm i ScReam)
The coLd stuff you eaT and put toPpings on - that Kind of icE cream?
heRe's bReaKing news, WorrIed – if you thinK there are Lots of "beTter" joBs out tHere than woRKing with ice crEam…
you're
...soreLy
...misTaKen.
i'Ve beeN to just abOut eVery corner of thIs citY. I know its darK, ugLy secrets. I've sEen manY, MaNY differenT waYs that a person can eArn a liVing. tHere are
dirTy
pRofessions out thEre.
do you, uh... kNow the tyPes of joBs i mean? HmmmMm?
... i'M taLking about the jobs
thAt
invoLve sLiding
hard
phaLLic-shaPed thinGs
intO tight, deeP
hoLes.
uh Huh. (heH hEh)
i'm taLking about THAT kind of job.
...teLephone poLe engineeR.
oh, it's so, SO dirtY, driVing those poLes into the gRound. you gEt mud all oVer youR panTs and shoes, and no mAtter wHat the coMmerciaLs cLaim, Tide with bLeach caN't get out eVery stain. you'Re better off jusT throwing your cLothes awaY after a dirtY job like that. (tHat's a littLe tip from mE to you.)
it's a Lot of phYsical laBor, and yoU have to wOrK ouTside, no matter wHat the weather is liKe. does that sOund more Fun than worKing at CarVeL's? not to Me, it doEsn't.
As for finding a better jOb tHan worKing with iCe cReam...
weLL,
i can List the "betteR" jobs
in GothAm
on one hanD.
...in faCt,
i'Ve even ranKed them fOr you:
.
.
5. BaTman's butLer (you Know he sEnds someone eLse out to buy hiS toiLet papEr and sTrawberrY-scented DoucHes)
.
.
4. Walmart greeTer (you JuSt can't put a pRice tag on the enTertaInment vALue of a dAily fReaK show)
.
.
3. FieLd reSearch AnaLYst for maLe proPhyLactics (conDom TesTer)
.
.
2. dYnamiTe factorY Line worKer (i pRomise i wOn't lighT any of the fUses... hA!)
.
.
1. TerrifYing gOthaM as PubLic enemY NuMber One (beIng meeeeeeeeeeeeeee)
.
.
That's it, WorrIed.
That's it.
...aLL the other joBs out there SuCK.
yOu might have a sHot at soMe of the joBs on that List (#1 is oBviousLy NOT an opTion for anYone but me), buT don't wasTe your time wonDering whEther youR life wouLd be more fuLfilled if you did sOmething other than wHat you're aLreadY doing noW.
WhoeVer told you that you shouLd be moVing "forwArd" is just pissed off that theY've compLicated their own Life beYond the poiNt of being abLe to turn Back to working somepLace low-sTress… liKe at an ice cream sTore. tHey're jeaLous, and waNt to maKe sure yoU end up as miserabLe as theY are, by conVincing you to "mOve forward" and get a "real" job.
So my QuestIon to thEm wouLd be…
…what's wRong with sTaGnating?
...Or even regRessing?
Here's what I recommEnd: droP out of coLLege. It's a wAste of time and monEy. How many oF your feLLow empLoYees at the ice cReam store haVe Masters degRees? uh, hUh. i rest mY case. aSk them hoW their Em Eff Ay deGree in caStLes and arT of the hIgh middLe aGes is heLping theM sprinKLe gummy beArs on top of a scOop of rocKY road iCe cReam.
Get cReative on the joB: start aDding yoUr own mysTery toPPings to custoMers' sundaes: insTead of sprinKLing M&M's or shredded cocOnut on top of their scOOp of DoubLe chocoLate CooKie Bonanza ice cream, miX in some ground-uP gLass, raZor blades or seVered fingers. SooNer or later, someone will probabLy comPLain.
And when theY fire yOu, teLL them that
the parKing meter outsIde
toLd you
to dO it.
KnoW what haPpens neXt?
You get a cell in Arkham, courtesY of Gotham's taX payeRs.
You don't havE to pay for a house, Worried. The citY wiLL caRe for You.
Then you cAn hanG out,
pLay Video gamEs,
read and
do puzzLes as muCh as you wanT.
yOu'll also make sOme very inteResting fRiends in arkham.
tHinK of it: EntertainMent for the rEst of your LiFe, liVing within yOur comfort Zone, at no finanCiaL eXpense to you whatsoeVer. and no jOB. hOw's that for briLLiant adVice?
aS for meeeee...
...i'm going to cOntinue dOinG what I do beSt.
the diRty joBs.
and i'M not taLKing abouT beIng a teLephone poLe enGineeR.
nOpe.
aFteR i sticK someThing
haRd
and phalliC-shaPed
inTo someone...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
muD isn'T thE staIn i'M trYing to remoVe with my boTTLe of TiDe with bLeach.
-jOkEr
p.S. dOes your StoRe carrY Rum Raisin? i hAve the harDest time finDing that fLaVor. i'll paY your store a Visit, and yoU can giVe me a compLimentarY scOOp. or sEven. it's reaLLY good with cHopped waLnuts on toP. I prefer tO chop theM up mYself.
p.P.s. sPeaking of NuTs, i sAw a coLLege kid dRessed up as the BATmaN wheN i was gReeting wAlmart shoppeRs the other nIght. iF you wanT to see whAt his cosTume looKs liKe, you can fiNd reMaining parTs of him sPread out on diFFerent sheLVes around the sTore: in the biRdseed aiSle, in the liGhtbuLb aisLe and neAr the pLayteX tamPon end Cap. iF i wEre a woMan, i'D use PlaYtex braNd taMpons. thOse thinGs reallY CAN soAk up a Lot of bLood.
-4oC, 2009.10.15