A/N: Happy Birthday, Heath. You're dearly missed. To the Joker's loyal readers, thank you for reading. The clown is starting up again with his advice...
QUESTION 27
Dear Mister J,
I...want you to help me out here...Ya, see there is this STALKER following me and it is quite frankly, PISSING ME OFF! So i was wondering...if those knives of yours would be a dear and put a lovely smile on the bastards face...Other than that, i have no other questions for ya.
Sincerely,
The girl who took your knife
(AKA- Angelic Demon)
P.S
Your knife is safe with me, just kill the man so i can get on with my life already...Hurry up or this knife here will go bye-bye...
P.S.S
...
- - - REPLY - - -
...AnGeLic deMon.
SeriOusLy?
That's the name you cHose for youR adVice QuesTion?
.
.
That naMe
looKs Like one of thOse
WhaDdaYacaLL'ems…
.
.
.
.
.
OxYmorOns.
yeaH...
(ocks-eeeeeeeEEeeeeeEe morRonz)
.
.
.
Do you kNow whaT the deFiniTion of an oXymoRon is, angELic DemOn?
...i'LL saVe you the tRoubLe of looKing it up: iT's a moron whO's buiLt like a brEeding heiFer.
You kNow,
...ox-Like. oX-ish.
Ox-Y.
Moo.
BoVine.
...(moo)
mY hat's off to you (moO). It taKes a BraVe woman, like you (moo), to acKnoWLedge that she has a weiGht probLem (moo) and a deFicIent iQ, and a brAver woMan YeT to anNounce juSt how fat and sTupId her aSS rEaLLY is by pRoViding gRaphic viSuaLs.
...moo mOo moo MoooooOooo
...(IncIDentaLLy, i couLdn't help but pIck up on oVertones of hostiLity in your letteR. Mad coW disease, peRhaps?)
LeT's see what we've goT: if you're a capital LarD ass,
(moo)
and you'Ve got a sTalker, it's LikeLy the
forEman
of a
meat-pAcking pLant
...who's mistaKen you (moo) for one of the CattLe.
MoO
moooOo
Moo
moo
See, sometimes, the coWs run awaY (Bye-bYe!) afTer they're taKeN froM fARmer Joe's idYllic paStuRes. (Who knew? Hoo noo?) tHe foRemaN's just doing his JoB, by tRYing to rounD up (2 cows sounds bEtteR than 1.7, doeSn'T it?) all the waYwArd stock beFore theY make their fiNaL trip to the aBattoiR (boo hOo, dead moos).
For sLaughTer.
hA
ha
HA
Perhaps i shouLD help him slaUGhter his LoSt cow:
you. (moo)
anYone who has the auDaciTy to steaL from me doeSn't deseRVe to dRaw breath.
And you,
angeLic dEmon, the oXymOron…
…the coW-shAPed dimWit…
...are,
...indeEd,
a MOrOn.
I aLreaDy retrieved one stoLen knIFe from MarY Sue, after we pLaYed dreSs-up and I stuFFed her in tHe dispLay window at Alter EgO.
At leaSt that bubbLe-heaDed ninnY had the goOd sense to vALue the knife she tOok from me.
But you…
.
.
.
.
how dId you puT it?
"Hurry up or this knife here will go bye-bye..."
.
.
.
.
.
.
UmmmmMmm...ReaLLy?
reAlly, BitCh?
You're dumB enouGh to thReaten to disCaRd one of MY kniVes, if i don't hEed your BecK and caLL?
The woRd for that is... bLAckmaiL.
No oNe blaCKmails me.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
No oNE.
.
.
.
.
.
.
nO man, No womAn, and cerTainly
no
CoWS.
...You know what hapPens to iGnorant cows who aTtemPt to blaCkmail mE?
alloW me to iLLuminaTe you:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
TheY end uP as QuaRTer poUnders.
.
.
.
AFter i sLaughter you (moo), you mORonic oX, I'm tAking back mY knIfe and cutting yOu up into PatTies. Then, I'll deLiVer you to eveRY McFrancHise in The NaRRows, so the iGnorant masses can FeaSt on youR fAt ass
...witH a side
Of suPer-sizeD fRench fries and a sTRawberRy miLkshaKe.
Mmmmm mmmmmm (moooooOoOOooo) Mmmmmm
MoRonic oXen
taSte
gooD.
waIt... whY is the pLural of oX "oxEn", and noT "oXes"?
i'vE neVer shiPped "boXen" of bodY parts to cOmmissiOner goRdoN as a birThdaY gift. I've onLy shipped "boxeS".
Hmmm. suCh is the enGlish language.
oXes, oXen...whateVer...
either waY, your aSS is ending up with sPEciaL sauce on a sesaMe seed bUn, you oversTuffeD twAt.
-jOker
p.S.
...
P. ess S. isn'T it oBnoxIous wheN someoNe trieS to be cuTe, by noT addinG teXt to a poSt scRipt? jUst shOwing you hoW aNnoying you aRe, burGer Breath.
-4oC, 2010.04.04