FROM THE GOTHAM POLICE DEPARTMENT

Joker,

If you receive this letter, I highly recommend that you turn yourself over to the Gotham Police Department immediately. There is a warrant out for your arrest, and all of Commissioner Gordons' men have standing orders to take you down by any force necesary.

The city's police and special forces are dedicating their full efforts toward hunting you down. We are combing every back alley, warf and abandoned warehouse. We will find you.

As a reminder to any citizen of Gotham who may be reading this, and to the public in general, we caution you not to approach the Joker or try to apprehend him. We can confirm that three people were killed as a result of his escape from Arkham Asylum last week, after an 18 month incarseration. He is armed and lethally dangerous, and psychologically unstable. If you see him, call 911 immediately and get yourself to a safe location as quickly as possible.

We believe that the Joker is more dangerous than before his most recent incarseration. Our consultants analyzed his replies in the advice column that he overtook from the deceased Ms. Grace, who we believe was killed at the hands of the Joker. Our expert's concluded that with each reply written by the Joker, the tone became more and more violent.

Therefore, we are asking the public not to engage the Joker any further. Do not send him any more questions asking for his advice. This just seems to provoke his tendansy toward violent outbursts.

Joker, we are ordering you to turn yourself in. Deadly force will be employed if necesary.

-Detective Stephens, Major Crime Unit

Gotham City Police Department

- - - REPLY - - -

Well, buSt my buTtons and caLL me slappY. It's Detective sTepheNs!

Mmm hmmm.

DetectiVe.

Dee-teK-tiv.

Well, that's soRt of a liBeral use of the terM, isn't it? i mean, doN't you sort of haVe to… I don't Know… DeE-TeKt things to wArrant the title that you're sLinging aRound?

mY most recenT incarCeration (noTe the sPelling of the wOrd, paL) certAinly did NoT resuLt from your purpoRted "deteCtive" sKills, now, diD it?

(fUnnY how dEtective rhYmes with DeFective...)

Nor wAs my reCenT staY at aRkHam (ark? ham?) the fRuiT of anY alleged "inVestIgation" by GothAm's (Got? hAm? what's witH all the sWine mEat?) finest in bLue… isn't that right? HmmmMm?

nO, it wAs not.

iN faCt, The mention of juSt how I was deTaineD is notIceabLy lacKing in your LittLe note, there, detECTive. AreN't detecTives refeRred to as "dicKs"? There miGht be some iRony in that, if I trY reeeaaally hard to finD it.

So, who acTuaLLy gets creDit for sendIng me back to the ol' fuNhouse? You and i and the ol' CommiSh know that iF it had not beEn for tHe fuRtiVe coLLaborative worK betwEen Gordon's tEam and the BaTmaN, I'd neVeR have seen the iNside of a pADded cell foR the Past year and A half.

Did you kNow that, Fine UpStanding citiZens of Gotham CitY?

The poLice depaRtment - the verY institUtion that purpOrTs to serVe and pROtect you - has an unsPoKen truce with the caPed CRusaDer: thoUgh they decLared him a fuGitive from jusTice, gosh daRned it, theY just can't sEem to finD him no matteR how hard they looK. (They're NOT looKing, boYs and GirLs.) Yet they foLLow up on tiPs he supPLies, baseD on his oWn reneGade justice cRusade.

So, uh, thanks for tipPing off the pOe-lees to mY wherEabouts, tHere, BatmAn.

What was I getTing at? oh yEah… don't tAke crediT for the bat's work - i knoW the rEal score hEre, Mr. sTepHens.

CommiSsioner goRdon mUst have his paNties in QuIte a twist, and bE highLy preocCUpied with maiNtaining the fronT of huNting the bAtman, for him to aLLow the resPonsibiLity of fLeshinG me out witH the mightY pEN to fall on Your shouLders. GorDOn would neVer have alLowed a leTter with such egRegious tYpograPhical erroRs to be sEnt out with hIs sTamp of apProVal.

Or is thIs a maVericK atteMpt on your part, unSAnctioned by GorDon, to tracK me doWn by anY means neCessary (double-"s", sTephens), to resTore your rePutatIon?

Are you cOlorbLind, DetectiVe? See, moSt word pRoceSsing softWare has a buiLlt-in ediTing funCtion that produces a sQuigglY red line uNDer words thaT are misspeLLed. I imAgine your scReen couldn'T have been anY reDder than if I had stabBed it mYself. Not onLy are You phonEtically chalLengEd, don't get me sTArted on your imBecilic misuSe of aPostrophes and iGnoraNce of pLuraliZation.

theN again, scHool wasn'T reallY your stroNg-suit, now Was it, deFectIve (i meAn deTectivE)? WhEn I had the, uh… heh ha haHa… the imMense pLeasure of YouR superVision a feW yeaRs back in GordOn's inteRrogation ceLL, you had toLd me that you haD aLready about 20 yeaRs with the forCE under your beLt (anD it's liKely the onlY thinG under your bElt, bucKo, beCause there'S nothing beLow it). You're juSt another uneducAted, blue-coLLar, mediocre po(lice)man who jOined the sQuad to plaY with guns as a FreuDIan compensation. One wHo must have blown someOne in the MayOr's office, to be abLe to keep hIs job aFter his amaZing blunder in judgMent.

"What bLunDer wAs that?" I hear tHe masses of Gotham asK in unIson.

WeLL, FolKs, alloW me to eLucidaTe:

Any of you Fine readeRs recall the name "Maroni"? The dearLy departed D.A. HarVeY Dent and his fiNe legal team were buiLding QuitE a case agaiNst the Mob, hEaded by mAroNi, based on the teSTimony of a certain Mr. Lau, theIr bookKeeper-turNed-rat. With Lau's testimonY, the streEts could have been colleCtively safer for all the inNocents of the city… onlY I broke Lau out of the hoLDing cell at the Major Crimes unit beFore the case couLd be prosecUted.

SCore one foR me!

Oh, aNd I manaGEd to bLow up pArt of the buiLding, before I sToLe a poliCe car to make mY get away (bYe Bye). OnE of mY men graCiouSly volunteeRed to alloW me to ouTfit hiM with a ceLL phonE that i deTonated.

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And this all hapPened on Dee-Tek-tiv STEPHENS' watch, no less.

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See, he was goIng to teach me a leSson (cerTainLY not in tHe finer poinTs of graMmar, though). RouGH me up a bit bEcause I had kiLLed six of his frieNds. (By the waY, Stephens, 5iVe of them dIed cowards' deaThs, pLeading for their liVes before my KniVes went to woRk. ThougHt you'd sLeep betTer at night knoWing that.) He punChed and he kicKEd and he shoVed my hEAd into the cement waLL (dIdn't hurt!). He tirEd himseLF out afteR aBout a minute of JaBs and upper-cuts, as his aGe soon got the betTer of him.

Then i got the bEtter of HiM.

I was abLe to suBDue him and mAke my eXit.

Nice woRk, dIcK - coULdn't have done it wIthout your pRedictable, testoterone-inDuced dispLay of limP machismo.

LoOk for me aLL you want in bAck alleYs, wharFs (spellEd with an "h" theRe, Dick) and aBandoNed warehOuses. I won't Be in anY of 'em.

nOpe.

I'm writinG this repLY, sitting in a comfoRTable-but-woRn lounge chair, my fEet propped uP in a living room spORtinG a badly ouTdated decOrating scheme. When aRe you going to hire a deCorator, dicK? A woman's touCh is noticeaBLy missing. Wife uP and left ya, didn't she? Good for hEr.

i've got your boYs tied up on the fLoor in the liVing room. And, uh… uh oh. The fiFteen-year-old just wet his paNts. I guess he's a cOward like your dEad friends. hE must taKe after his fAther.

You miGHt want to bring some rash creAm home from the dRUg store when You leave work toNight, detectiVe. Your sons are reaLLy working up some impressiVe rope buRns on their wrisTs. They might eVen leave scArs. iF they're luCkY.

Think I shouLD tell your soNs how I got mY scars? I'm SUre they'd loVe to hear the storY, both of yoUr boys.

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I'll bE sure to LEave them smiLing when yOu arrive home tonIght. ThiS is what you geT for aLLeging that your "expErts" thinK i'm...

what waS it?

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"psYchoLogicallY unsTable"?

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oH, you rEeeeeaLLy shouLdn't have gOne there, deTectiVe.

See...

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I'm in chaRGge, here, DeFecTive sTepheNs.

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yOu don't giVe me ordeRs. And you can'T tell the peoPLe of Gotham not to wRite to me. They'LL write to me iF they wanT to. And I wAnt 'em to… so that's what's going to hapPen.

aFter all, you and GordOn are opeRating under such hYPocritical ruLes, how can these toWn-folk NOT be aLL confuSed and screWed up? They need someone – like me – to sRraighten theM out. They need mY advice, and I'm all tOo happY to give it tO them.

Keep looKing for me, DiCk. Your ineVitable faiLure will proVIde me plentY of time to get cauGht up on my corRespondence.

mY adoring pubLic awaiTsssss...

-jOker

A/N: The Joker is back. It was a long incarceration, so he's flexing his criminal muscles with bank heists, police murders and terrorizing the innocent. Between those frequent excursions, he'll be answering all the questions that have accrued.

-4oC, 2011.12.14