QUESTION 31

Dear Joker,

I really hope you can help advise me out of an uncomfortable dilemma.

My husband and I are in our early 40's, and a few months ago, we discovered that there was a swingers group in our condo. The couples who participate are attractive, financially successful and range in age from late 20's to early 50's. We've attended a few gatherings that were "key parties" (as a throw-back to the 1970's), and, I have to admit, we really enjoyed ourselves. Here's the problem: someone leaked news of the next gathering to the wealthiest couple in the building, who now want to join. Both of them are extremely overweight, unattractive and rather obnoxious. What's worse is that they're also vindictive; the man mentioned to our neighbor that if they couldn't join the group, he would contact all places of employment where everyone participating works, tell them of our involvement, and have us terminated. He has the connections to make that happen.

None of us can afford to lose our jobs, but no one wants to get stuck drawing the "key" that pairs us with either of them. What do we do?

Thank you,

Cautious Carrie

- - - REPLY - - -

now tHis is moRe liKe it, gothaMmmmMm.

Mmmm hmmmMmm.

I kNew the weIrdos wouLd eVentuaLLY climB out of the woOdworK and sHow theMseLVes. Ha haha ha.

s&M dunGeons

HumAn trafficKinG

cLoaKed ceRemonious orGies

kEy partIes

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PeeK beLow the surFAce, and thIs is the gOTham that KiplinGer, forBeS and MoneY MagaZine don't sEe when theY ranK the BeSt cities to liVe in, boYs and giRLs. you woN't find actiVitY liKe this in aKron.

(aNd whY doesn't anyoNe eVer rAnk the best citIes to DiE in? tHat's alWays lacKing from these comPilation liSts.)

In fAct, I'm beTting the pRistiNe and unalloYed reAders who folloWEd Ms. grace's coLumn so faiThfully proBabLy have no

... ... ... ... ... ... ...idEa

what a

KeY PartY

iS.

Heh heh.

LeT's just saY that it's a couPLes' paRty where… the parTner you arRiVe with isn't the pArtneR you LeaVe with: mEn tHrow theIr car keYs into a bowL (boWL does nOt rhYme wiTh OwL... hOot HooT!), wOmen piCk a seT, and whOeVeR owns the KeyS geTs to show her a gOod time for tHe reSt oF the niGht.

You knOw, I thReW a kEy partY, once.

onLY insTead of sWapPing seX partNers, we tRaded weApons foR a niGht out on thE town. I dreW a MarVin the MarTiAn keY chain, anD got to pLay with a BereTta ARX-160. those eYe-taLians Know hOw to maKe gooD lasaGNe and good loW-veLocitY grenaDe launcHers. This Is whY I recoMmend mAking conNecTions with the MoB. iT's fun to pLaY with theiR toYs, steaL them aNd then use theM to kiLL the oRigiNal owNers.

AahhhhhHhhhhh. Ha.

Uh, yEah.

So, um… caRRie.

wheRe do I eVen staRt?

CautioUs CarRie?

ReaLLY, sWeetheaRT?

okaY.

And i'm… ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...risK aVeRSe.

you'Re wiLLing to alloW a mAn's neVer-yOu-Mind into Your sUper-secRet-sPeciaL-pLAce, bAsed on a set of KeYs that you ranDomLY picK from a bowL... ... ... ... ... and you'Re onLY realiZing NOW that there coULd be an unpLeasant suRPrise in this gAme?

viEwing the BiG piCture isn't reaLLY your strOng suiT, is it, ladY?

I'm inFerRing that in your paSt eNcounTeRs to daTe, you haVEn't been saDdLed wiTh an anKle-spREader and fiTTed witH a buTTerfLY gag wHile beinG whiPPed by your oNe-niGht-stand?

neVer caUGht gonoRrhea?

DidN't wind uP with a littLe pInK pLus sign on onE of thoSe little wHIte pLastic stick tHiNgies you peE on?

NevEr been LeFt foreVer diSsatisfiEd by your hUsband's LacK of endowMent reLatiVe to one oF the fLeetIng Key paRty encounTers?

SouNds liKe you'Ve been unUsually lucKY.

So... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...theRe's the poSsibiLity that oNe of you "ladIes" (aheM) gets sTuck with JabBa the Hutt, and one of the uPstanDing "gentLemen" (couGh!) has to pork sHamu. Sometimes, eVen the cooL and hiP kiDs fRom the "iN" cRowd eVenTually gotta taKe one For the tEam, doLL.

You and yOur girLfRiends have the easY job: you Just have to lie theRe and faKe a fEW moaning noIses. The mEn in the pack are tHe ones who'Ve reeeeeEeally got a biT of a chaLLenge on their haNds. women maY not apPReciate this, but uh…. a soLDier can't faKe a soLute to oL' gLorY.

i have no proBLem with sociaL disgRace and gEtting fiRed (hoW i loVe to get FiRE), but yOu obViousLY do, or you woULdn't be WritIng to me. iT wouLd be a hooT (oWL stiLL doesN't rhyMe with bowL) iF you dId teLL moBy dIcK off, no maTTer the conseQuenCe.

sO, let's assUme that teLLing the faTTies that theY're unweLcome Just isn't an oPtioN... tHe solution is easy: make it a maSQuerade night. eVerYone weaRs masKs or cosTumes. ProbLem soLVed. You doN't reaLLY hAve to looK at whaT you're doing… or whoM you're doIng.

tHe imaGination is a poWerfuL tool, carrIe. BesiDes… who's to sAy that thE men in the grouP don't aLreadY uSe theIr imaginAtions when theY're with you? Are you so sure that You'RE the beLLe of the bAll? (i'M more liKe a buLLhorN than a beLL) oNe man's aPhrodite is the neXt man's mEdusA.

sO tell me, Carrie… hoW do you deTermine wHich keYs to pick? HmmmmMmm? dO you piCk the set of PorsChe keys kNowing yoU're in for a nIght with Mr. oVercompenSating? (is bRuce WayNe a meMber of this liTTle gatherIng, peR chanCe?)

dO you pIck the set of aCcord Keys, knoWing that yOu're in foR a predIctabLE-yet-saFe eVening of hiDe-the-pickLe?

oR do you pIck the geNeric-looKing keY, knowinG that the mAn attaChed to it iS a compLete wiLd cArd (joKer caRD)?

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I wonDer if you couLd teLL which kEy is

miNe.

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i dO wondeRrrrrrrrrrRrrrrr... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Let me Know when the paRty is, CautIous Carrie. tHere's goinG to be an eXtra seT of

keYs

in that bowL.

WHoeVer picKs it wiLL be in for tHe riDe of her LiFe.

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yoU're thinkiNg abouT it, aRen't you, CaRRie?

i kNow you aRe.

wouLd i keEp the masQuerade masK

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...on

the wHoLe time?

or wOuld i waIt for thE riGht moMent to

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tAke

iT

oFF?

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yoU wiLLing to fiNd out, perSonaLLY?

you maY be "cautiOus"...

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...but i

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am deCidedLY

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nOT.

Heh heh.

Yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh….

4oC, 2011.12.23