QUESTION 32

Dear Mrs. Grace,

I have a question. I am somewhat coulrophobic, and about the only clown I can stand to look at is the Joker. I have no fear of him at all despite living deep in the heart of Gotham. I can look at photos of him and not even shudder - in fact I enjoy writing stories about him, though I know none of them will probably ever be published, not here at least. Is this some strange conundrum I should seek help for? Am I crazy? I know for a fact that this cannot be normal.

Yours,

Freak?

P.S. - What do you think about all the young people writing stories and poetry about this criminal and posting them online? Do you think that this is a normal expression of their inner fears, or something more sinister?

- - - REPLY - - -

tOdaY is deceMber 24th, boYs and girLs. iT's one of mY faVorite dAYs of the eNtire year.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...Know whY?

The maLLs of GothaM will be filleD to the bRim with frAntic cItiZens.

Ha hahA ha

HaaaaaaaaaaAaa... easY picKin's.

The maSses will be maKIng mad-dasHes to loaD their arMs and their shopPing bAskets (auSteritY casKets) with "apProvaL cuRRenCy", purchAsing maTeriaL items to eXchanGe for loVe, accEptance, aPprecIation, fOrgiVeness, or anY other inTangibLe emOtion that is uLtimateLY selF-serVing. ChristmAs is nO lonGer aBout ceLebrating the BIrth of a kid whO was boRn in a staBLe, who eVentuaLLY grew uP to haVe super poWers.

Jesus fLew, right? I didN't read the bibLe beCause theRe weren't anY gun fIghts or bOmbs, but I'm pRettY sure jeSus could meLt peoPle with hIs thouGhts. Or was that thE guy fRom Star wArs? JesUs vaDer, Darth ChRist… same difFerence.

AnyhOo… aLL arounD the retaiL compLeXes of gotHam todaY, you'LL see the pRocrastiNators, the kiDs hungry for daddY's approVaL, the pAternal graNdmothers whO want to one-uP anY gift bestoWed by the matErnal granDmoThers (graNd mOth?), eX-boyfrieNds desPerate to buY back the aFFections of thE women wHo dumPed tHem, and the foLks buYing for no One eLse eXcePt theMseLves (nuMero uNo!) whiLe the sALes are gOod.

at LEast i can reSpeCt the honeSTy of those who faLL in the Last gRoup.

The poInt is, eVerYone is... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... disTracteD.

You'Ve got thouSands of peopLe paCked into a (s)Mall area, and nO one is loOking out fOr anYthiNg but theIr oWn seLf-iNteresTs.

for anYone who maY be incLined towArd a free-sPirited sTabBing sPreE, instEad oF a sHoppIng spRee, it's liKe shOoting FiSh in a barReL. Not onLY will nO one paY atTention to sOmeone getting staBBed right neXt to thEm in ConsueLa's wOnderfuL WoRld of HerMit CraBs (i loVes me deM cRabs!), but sinCe there's a pLethoRa of God-awfuL ChrIstmas swEaters eveRYwhere – moSt of them coLored RED – whO's reaLLY going to sEe the bLoodStains? If someone leAns oVer and sTarts sCReamiNg whiLe holDing their stoMach, passeRsBy will just assUme that some shopPer atE the wRong enchiLada from Taco and BuRriTo CaBana in the foOd couRt.

I'll be mosEYing out the dOor here shoRTly, so i'm goinG to get doWn to bRass tacKs with this reAder. HeyyyyyYyy… I'm goiNg to haVe to GIve that a trY – BraSs knucKLes, i'Ve got doWn pat, But brasS tAcks? I maY have to trY sticKing thoSe into the coRners of soMeone's eYe to see (a puN – Ha! JeeZ, I'm cLeVer) what tYpe of reaCtion I get.

So, FreaK (and theRe's no sHame in beIng one), here's mY take:

Point 1: Mizzzzzzzz Grace was no "Mrs.", oKaY? Trust mE. Men don't marrY womEn who looK Like bassEt hounDs.

poiNt B: Ms. graCe is dEad, and eVen the pOWer of chrisTmas caN't brinG her bAck.

PoInt III: Uh… um… heH he

Ha

haHa ha ha

are you reaLLY admiTting that you're afRaid of moSt cLowns…. eXcept for me?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

God daMn it.

(sEe, it's cHristmas, so tHe LorD and saVior on high, DaRTh Christ, is feeLing reAlly chEEry, because his fLocK bouGht his apProvaL with eXtra donAtions at chuRch and shOoting doWn X-wIng fighTers. ThereFore, he won't sMite me for bLaspHeming.)

Not afRaid of me, eh?

tHis hapPens more oFten then i eXpeCted, where wOmen and fLameRs are so taKen in by mY raKish joIe-de-viVre and deviLishLy goOd looKs that theY soRt of miSs the biG picTure. You wanT to faNtasiZe about me? fiNe. You Like to wRite littLe stoRies aBout me? Have aT it.

As for the YouNg gothaMiTes pubLishinG poetRy and sTories aBout me… theY have gReat tAste in cRiminaLs. am I insPiring an inSurRection aMong the unDergrouNd youTh of this rAt hole ciTy, which cAn be gLimpsEd in these onLine stoRies?

weLL… i woulDn't want to sPoiL the suRPrise, now, wOuld I?

If theRe are more hoMaGes to me than to BatBreaTh circuLatinG aRound, then i'm aLL for it. As lOng as i am aFforDed respEct in thEse stOries.

It's whEn the reSpect ebBs that i, uh… I sTart to take isSue.

There canNot be respeCt witHout

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

FeAR

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

And sInce – bY your oWn admiTtance – you do NoT fear me, foR some reAson….

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

… then it souNDs liKe I nEEd to paY you a littLe visIt, and teaCh you a liTTle somethIng about resPecT.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You tHink you'Re a fREak now?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Just waIt until I get doNe with yoU.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

i adVise you to asK sAnta cLauS for BaTman'S protecTion toNight, beCause he's the onLy thinG that couLd pReVent me froM, uh... dRiVing my pOinT hoMe.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I'm oFF to the maLL in mY santY-CLaus outFit. AfTer i serVe mY 2-hoUr sHift as the maLL Santa for kiDs' phoTos (I liKe to teLL 'em thAt I'm leaVing bodY partS in theIr sTockings), tHen i'LL randoMLy sLash at shoPpers in the gaRish sweAters, and maYbe I'll bEat a saLVation ArmY voLunteer so I caN steaL his beLL (cLang ClanG!).

I'm attacHing jingLe bElls to my suIt. If you hEar me comIng,

get

.

.

oUt

.

.

oF

.

.

my

.

.

WaY.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Then,

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... soMetime laTer tonIght... ... ... ... ... ...

i'm coMing down YoUR chimNeY,

FReak,

to giVe you the giFt of feaR.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It's what Jesus vAder wouLd want on tHis VauNted hoLy daY.

.

.

EnJoy your hauL fRom the stoREs, gothaM. snugGLe waRm in your 3X-siZed swEatpaNts with rUdoLph on thEm, knowing the 8-yeaR old kiD chaIned to a seWing machIne in the ZhejiAng proVince of ChiNa who maDe it geTs a chriStmas bonUs of an eXTra heaD of boK Choi. Oh wait, ComMies don't ceLebrate chRistmAs - no bOk cHoi foR you, cHung Lu.

HA.

-jokEr

Author's Note: As a holiday treat for each of you, be sure to check out this wonderful creation by an incredibly brilliant young writer, Lauralot. Just delete the spaces, and copy into your browser address box:

www. fanfiction s/6583977/1/How_the_Joker_Stole_Gotham

-4oC, 2011.12.24