Chapter 191: I Love You

They ended up sitting in Riku's room (because his ceiling looked like the sky). He ended up lying down on his bed (largely so he could look at the ceiling), and she sat at the end near his legs. Actually, she was nearly sitting on his legs, given how small the bed was. He didn't mind though.

"So—"

"Hey, wait," Namine interrupted. "Before you tell me about Hollow Bastion, what'd Vexen want you for?"

"…oh" He grimaced.

"Do you not want to talk about it?" she asked. She sounded worried.

He didn't look at her, just continued staring at the ceiling, tracing his eyes over the paint strokes. He took a deep breath. No. It didn't matter.

"It's not a problem," he said.

"Okay," Namine shifted on the bed a little. "So. What'd he want?"
"He, well," Riku cleared his throat. "Dragged me to a parallel universe."

"Fun."

She didn't sound very enthused by the idea, though.

"…I talked to Namine," Riku said. "The other Namine. The—"

"I know who you're talking about." She laughed a little, but it didn't last very long. The room was silent for a moment. Completely silent, besides their breathing. Namine hadn't started drawing yet, so the familiar scratch of her pencil against paper was absent.

"…how did that go?" Namine asked, finally.

"Alright." Riku narrowed his eyes up at the ceiling, staring at one of the clouds. "It wasn't exactly just me and her. Sora and Kairi—from that universe—and Real Thing were there. I mean. The Real Riku."

She laughed again. "I knew who you meant."

Riku pushed himself up a little, using his elbows to hold his weight, so he could look at her better. "I didn't think I'd talked about him a lot though," he explained. "So I wasn't sure if you knew I called him that or not."

"Riku, how many memories of yours do you have where you interact with him? And refer to him as that?"

"Good point," he chuckled. He shrugged, flopped back down onto the bed. "But I didn't think I had that many…" He frowned a little, as he thought about it.

"Does it matter?"

"No. Sorry."

Another pause of silence.

"What'd you talk about?" Namine prompted.

"They were just curious about what happened to me," he said. "And… stuff…"

"Stuff?"

"Stuff in their universe." He shifted to put his hands behind his head, only to find there was a wall on his right. Also, putting his left hand behind his head pulled his shoulder in a weird way. He sighed and folded his hands over his stomach instead. "They've been dealing with someone named Xehanort…?"

"Yeah?"

Now he could hear the scratch of Namine's pencil against paper.

"Yeah. You know Xemnas?"

"Of course."

"And Ansem?"

Pause.

"The guy Sora dealt with?"

Riku nodded. "Yeah. Apparently they're the Heartless and Nobody of a dude named Xehanort. And once they die he can come back as a full person…" He grimaced. He didn't like that thought. Or the thought of any of this universe's Organization coming back. The only person he'd be happy to see was this universe's Vexen…

"That sounds bothersome… It'll happen here?"

"Most likely. And the rest of the Organization might come back."

"Well that's definitely no fun."

Another pause. The sound of Namine flipping to a new page. He sighed.

"Larxene's back, y'know," he said. His voice was quiet. He clenched his fists.

Namine stopped drawing, and her weight shifted.

"In the other universe?" She sounded worried.

"Yeah."

"What's… that got to do with… anything?" She asked it haltingly, her voice catching in a few places, like she was trying to hold something back. Probably that worry…

Riku swallowed. "Do you think… scaring her is a bad idea?"

"…scaring her how?"

"I don't know." Riku shrugged a little, though it was weird to do when he was lying down. He didn't sit up to look at Namine, though. He didn't want to. "But. I've got all this… extra power, y'know? That extra darkness? I bet I could figure out a way to scare her with it."

Namine continued to be silent for a long while.

Riku swallowed again, feeling a little nervous about what she was going to say when she finally did speak.

"You… you sure you want to do that?" she asked.

"I dunno. Doesn't she deserve it?"

"I…" Namine paused yet again. "That… doesn't mean it's a good idea. I mean, are you sure you can take her?"

"Why is everyone so worried about that?" He groaned, throwing his hands up in the air. "You all seem to think I'm not smart enough to just drive my blade through her gut when things go bad! If things go bad." He rubbed his temples.

"I just…" She shifted again, bumping against his legs this time. "I don't want you getting hurt, and I don't think putting yourself anywhere near her is a good idea, regardless of why."

He frowned, noting the catch in Namine's voice at the word her.

"Well…" he trailed off. Sighed. "There is a lot going on over here. I'll have to worry about it later. Once we've got stuff taken care of."
"Right."

Namine's voice was tight.

Silence continued, interrupted only by Namine tapping her pencil against her sketchbook. Riku bit his lip, mulling it over a little more. What was the harm in him killing Larxene, anyway? And what was wrong with giving her a taste of her own medicine while he was at it?

"What… else did you talk about?" Namine asked, suddenly.

"Nothing really."

But there was…

He sighed, pushed himself into a sitting position, running a hand through his hair.

"But… I guess I should… tell you… something."

Namine looked up, giving him her full attention. She was hunched over a little, sketchbook in her lap, pencil still tapping against it every few seconds, but her eyes were on him.

"Yeah?"

He pulled his knees to his chest. Cleared his throat.

"It's about… Namine."

"…yeah?"

He cleared his throat again. "Well… I…" He coughed. His throat was tight. His heart was pounding. He couldn't do this. How could he? Tell her that he still…? No. The mere thought was suffocating. What if she got mad? What if she—

But I have to, he told himself, clenching his fists, pretending he could steel his nerve merely by doing that. He took a deep breath, forcing it into his lungs. One. Two. Three. He let the breath out. Four. Five. Six. One more breath. Seven. Eight. Nine.

He could do this. She deserved to know.

"The thing is…" he said, but his voice still cracked. "A- about her… I…"

"I know," Namine whispered.

"I- you do?"

She nodded. She was hunched over a little more than she had been before. "Yeah. I'm sorry." She wouldn't look him in the eye, either. "I didn't- I didn't mean to- but those memories? Of you… and her… and…" She swallowed. "That's how I know. That one of those meltdowns wasn't forced. Because I didn't know these memories existed, and even if I did, I wouldn't have touched them. I never would have, because I knew you wouldn't want me to."

The memories.

For a second he had been relieved, but now it was just harder to breathe. Not only did she know, but she'd seen. She'd—

"Why?"

"Because I—"

No.

"I- it's- it's okay," he told her, trying to ignore the memory. "I'm not- not mad."

"I didn't…"

"You don't love me."

"But I—"

He ground his palms into his eyes, as if that would erase the images from his mind. He wanted to erase the memory—forget that awful moment. Why wouldn't it go away? It didn't matter to him anymore. It didn't—

"None of this is real. You never—"

"Riku!"

Namine pulled his hands away, gripping them tightly. He hung his head, so she wouldn't see his tears.

Why couldn't he have a simple conversation about this? Why did he have to start crying? Was he really so upset about this whole thing? What was wrong with him? It didn't matter. She didn't matter. Why was he still crying about it?

"Shh…" Namine whispered, gently taking his face in her hands. "Shh, it's okay."

She kissed him on the top of the head, and the memory slowed, stilled, stopped. Another one—just flickers—replaced it.

"Your feelings… they were real."

"I lied. I had to… …would only end badly for both of us."

He knew those words. Namine—the other Namine—had spoken them only hours ago. He took a shuddering breath, knowing the words were supposed to calm him and that he needed to stop crying.

"Shh. It's a lot to process, I know," Namine whispered. His Namine. "And you haven't had nearly enough time to do so. So just sit here and… breathe… and sort your thoughts out. Okay?"

He didn't respond. He didn't want to speak, and nodding when she was holding him like this didn't seem like a good idea. She didn't say anything about it, though, just sat there, resting her chin on his head.

He took deep breaths, but tried his best not to think. If he thought, then he'd just get upset again.

"She told you they were real." Namine's voice was gentle. She ran her fingers through his hair. "That your feelings were real. I know it still hurts and I know the memory will always hurt but this is a good thing."

Riku took another deep breath. She'd seen the memory. She'd…

"Are- are you mad at me?" he murmured, fixing his eyes on the bed sheets.

"What? No!" She laughed a little. "I'm not mad at you. I—"

It was too much. He couldn't hold it back any longer. He couldn't hold back the tears. The burning guilt. It didn't matter if Namine said it was okay because it wasn't. It wasn't.

His fists curled around the sheets, and he bent over, curling in on himself.

"But how can I love two of you?" he choked. It wasn't okay and he couldn't. He couldn't. He couldn't.

"Riku." Her voice was firm, now, and she was gripping his shoulders. "Listen, I'll tell you why. You can love both of us because we're two completely different people. And I-"

Namine paused. He could hear her mutter a few words under her breath, as if deciding what to say next.

"I… don't know her," she said, after a moment. "But I know we're not the same. And I know you love us for different reasons. You love her because you think you have to and, yes, maybe do still love her after all this time. She's impressed the heck out of you with how well she's held together and how much she's grown after all this time. I know. I know. But you're allowed to be impressed and allowed to be proud of her and you are allowed to still love her."

"I-" he began, but didn't know what to say. His heart was racing, Namine's words slowly sinking in.

She kissed him on top of the head again. "It's okay. I don't care," she said. "Because I know you still love me, despite how much you love her. You love me because you think I'm sweet and kind and I'm always there for you. And as much as you think it's weird and you're not used to it you're grateful for it. You also love talking to me and spending time with me and sitting next to me even if we don't say anything."

He slowly looked up at her, staring in disbelief. "How- how do you-?"

"Know all this?" she finished, then blushed. "Our minds are connected, Riku. And, well… when we kissed? Those thoughts were all… very loud."

He stared for another moment, not sure what to think. He wasn't exactly surprised, but… it was a little disconcerting that she knew all that.

"You did…" He looked away, face flushing. "Miss a few things, though…"

"Oh?" Namine pulled away from him a little, a smile in her voice.

"Yeah." Riku nodded. "I think you're strong willed and determined and I think it's great you can stand up for yourself." He threw a glance at her, smiling.

She blushed. Grabbed his hands.

"Do you know why I love you?"

He blinked a few times. "You… love me?"

She laughed. "Of course I love you! You can't tell me you're surprised."

"I…" A smile tugged at his lips. "Still nice to hear."

"And do you know why I love you?"

"Why?"

"Oh, come on! You really honestly don't know?" She was laughing a little, but she was giving him a look, not to mention sounded confused. "I mean, I knew why you loved me."

"I…" He couldn't stop grinning. She'd said it three times now, and it sounded better and better each time. She loved him. He flushed. "I- I wasn't exactly paying attention."

"Riku,"she scolded, eyes narrowing at him. Then she laughed. Sighed a little. Met his eyes. "I think you're strong—yes I think you're strong! You wouldn't have made it this far if you weren't. Also, you're a big softy and actually very sweet when you want to be. Even if you're usually too 'tough' to admit it."

She gave him a pointed look. He flushed harder, averting his eyes.

"But most importantly, Riku," Namine continued. She gently turned his face toward her, meeting his eyes again. "I love you because you're you. Because you're strong and you've kept going and you keep going no matter what the world throws at you. Because you're still kind and even all the cruelty in the worlds hasn't corrupted you completely." She smiled, softly. "Sure, you have your moments… but you wouldn't be you if you didn't. And I love you."

He was grinning. He couldn't help it. That was five times she'd said it now. He blushed, hard, and turned his eyes away from her a little.

"I love you too," he mumbled.