Hello Friends. Sorry that it has been a while since I've published. I am attempting to rid myself of strep throat right now, and the exhaustion has made typing difficult. That being said, I am publishing a chapter tonight. Hopefully, I will have another chapter for tomorrow, but no guarantees. My apologies to everyone who has been reading Allies, I promise I will update that soon as well. As to the next story, once this is finished, the title will be "How not to." Be sure to look for it when it posts. Also, if anyone would like to collab on a story, be sure to message me. -Xoxo Elisa
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal minds or its characters. This is solely for enjoyment.
He woke to a sense of deja vu. Similar to the first time he'd escaped Doyle's clutches, he'd woken to find himself surrounded by comfort. Thick woolen blankets covered his body, cushioning it from the bruises he'd sustained. Bandages replaced the heavy restraints that had encircled his wrists for the better half of the past three days, and his left arm was encased in a sling. His eyes flickered down to the unwieldy device, questioning why the doctors had placed him in it, it wasn't like he'd done anything to his shoulder. Yeah, but you did get impaled, Genius! The little voice inside his head reminded him of the pain he'd forgotten. He'd managed to tell the attending nurse to not use narcotics, but he wasn't sure if the hospital staff had heeded his warning. Guess they did, he thought as a sharp, burning pain pulsed below his shoulder.
"Uggh," a small moan escaped from his lips as the pain increased. "Reid? Reid! Are you alright? Spencer, talk to me!" a familiar voice pleaded. Reid's eyes flickered open to find an anxious Seaver sitting next to his bed. "What, what are you doing in here?" he asked in a voice that was barely a whisper. His companion's deep blue eyes met his before flickering away. "We needed to make sure that you were safe. A nurse let me in." she murmured. "And before you say anything, they were going to honor your wishes, but the nurse heard you calling out in your sleep. She thought you might rest more easily if someone was in the room with you."
Reid scoffed, "Yes, I would definitely be able to rest more easily with a visitor I asked specifically not to have in the room." He figured the acidity in his words would cause Ashley to simply leave, but he had forgotten how steely her resolve could be. The blue eyes he'd always found himself entranced by flashed dangerously as she hissed, "you know, you could be a bit nicer considering the fact that I saved your life." Yeah, and you almost died in the process, he thought guiltily. Instead he met her eyes and stated, in a matter of fact fashion, "I never asked you to." Reid knew he'd gone too far as soon as the words had left him. Tears filled Seaver's eyes, and with a shaking voice she snapped, "Yeah, well I didn't ask to watch your heart stop, but guess what Reid, life doesn't work that way!" "You watched me die?" he asked hoarsely. Seaver nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm sorry," she said, scrambling to her feet. "I shouldn't have said that." "Ashley," Reid pleaded, watching her make her way towards the door. "I'll let the doctor know you're awake, they want to do more tests." Without a backward glance, she left Reid sitting in the eye of the emotional storm he had caused.
It was all Ashley could do to keep the sob building in her chest at bay while talking to Reid. However, once she was a safe distance from his room, she allowed herself to crumble and fully release the fear, anger, and heartache she'd been holding in. "Seaver? Ashley? Ashley, what's wrong? Is Reid alright?" A small whimper escaped from her lips at the mention of Spencer's name. She couldn't believe she'd told him he'd died; the goal was to rebuild his faith in the team, not tell him how badly they'd failed him.
She heard a soft voice asking for some space, and then the familiar warmth of someone's arms enveloping her body. "Just let it all out," JJ soothed, rubbing the younger girl's back. Seaver clung to the other blonde, desperately trying to remain afloat of the emotion she was currently drowning in. After what seemed like an eternity of sobbing, Ashley had found enough emotional stability to rejoin the outside world. Tear-filled eyes met concerned blue and deep brown ones as she whispered, "I screwed up badly." JJ and Emily exchanged worried glances before JJ asked, "what do you mean?" The trainee's eyes flickered away in shame, "Spence woke up and he saw that I was in his room. He was so angry that the hospital staff hadn't honored his wishes about not having visitors, and I just couldn't handle it; I snapped. I was just so pissed at him that I mentioned he could be a bit grateful since I'd saved his life. And, well he didn't like that. He told me that he didn't ask me to, and I said. I said that I didn't ask to watch him code in the ambulance, but sometimes life didn't work out the way we wanted it to. I didn't mean to, it just slipped out. I was terrified about him and there he was acting like he didn't deserve to be saved; that he didn't want to be saved. Then he asked if he died, and he was just so surprised. I couldn't believe that I'd let it slip, so I got out as quickly as I could. I'm so sorry."
She expected one, if not both of them, to start berating her for what she'd done. Instead, the two women wrapped her in their arms, providing her with a solace she'd desperately needed. "It's not your fault." Emily reassured her, "Reid would have found out one way or the other. Better it come from you than a stranger." "I just didn't want him to know how badly we'd failed him." she cried. "You didn't fail him Ashley, we did." This time it was JJ with the words of comfort. "You were the one who knew about his fail safe. You were the one he sent that video to. You were the one who could stabilize him long enough for the EMTs to save his life. Trust me, he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you." "I just don't know if I'll ever be able to get that look of shock out of head." she admitted.
Looking around, she noticed that her other teammates were nowhere to be seen. "Where are the others?" she asked. "We sent them home," JJ said. "They needed the sleep, and it wasn't like Spence was going to let them see him anyway. Speaking of which, did you get any sleep last night Ashley?" Seaver gave a brief nod, "the nurse pulled in one of the cots they keep in their break room when she realized I was spending the night. What about you and Emily?" Prentiss sighed, "not since the second time Reid was taken. And before you ask, yes JJ and I are also going to go home and sleep. Will you be okay here?" "Yes," Seaver gave them both a reassuring smile, "go home and get some sleep. I'll call you if anything changes." The two older women hugged her before leaving to regain the sleep they had been deprived of over the past two days.
Seaver felt her breathing increase as she approached Reid's room. Okay Ashley, you can do this. All you have to do is make sure nothing happens to Spencer, you don't even have to go into the room. "Agent Seaver!" a voice shook her from her thoughts. "Yes?" she asked, turning toward a plump woman wearing a lab coat. "I'm Dr. Michaels," the woman said, shaking her hand. "I'm the head of the ER and one of the surgeons that operated on Dr. Reid last night." "Oh, thank you for saving his life." The woman blushed, "there's no need to thank me, I was just doing my job. Anyway, I went in to check on Dr. Reid and noticed he was in an agitated state. Did anything happen that I should know about." Shit, Ashley thought of lying but decided against it. "Yes, Dr. Reid and I argued, and the fact that he had coded slipped out." "I see," the doctor murmured. "Well, I figured I should tell you that Dr. Reid is not in his room at the moment. He mentioned needing to find emotional solace, and that a hospital room was not the place to do so. Would you like me to take you to him?" I doubt that me being there will ease Reid's state of mind. "Lead on."
"Of all the places you would be, I didn't think a prayer room would be one of them." Reid turned to find Seaver standing in the doorway. "Do you remember what you told me two months ago?" he asked. Ashley hesitated before answering, "just because I don't broadcast my faith, doesn't mean it isn't there." Reid nodded, "there's no quantifiable proof that God exists, yet here I am. Since I was a child, all I could think of was how, if God was real, he would let me suffer the way I had. I think that's the reason my mother had such scorn for religion. But as I grew older, I realized that God was looking out for me. There were so many times when I could or should have died, but a higher power brought me back, because there was still so much I needed to do."
"I should let you get back to your contemplation then." Seaver said, turning to leave. "Ashley?" she stopped at the sound of her name, "please come sit with me." Reid watched her weigh her options before taking the seat across from him. They sat in an awkward silence for minutes before they both blurted out, "I'm sorry!" "What are you sorry for?" Reid asked, uncertain of why Seaver would even think she needed to apologize to him. It wasn't like she was the one deliberately shoving the people she loved away. "I shouldn't have said what I said to you." He watched her eyes flicker to everywhere except his face. "Why did you then?" He knew it wasn't wise to push her, but he couldn't get her words out of his head. Ashley's eyes filled with tears and she whispered, "because I watched you die. We got to the warehouse and there was just so much blood. It was all I could do to stop the bleeding, until we could get you to a hospital. I felt your heart stop, Spencer."
Reid took her hand and placed it against his chest. "It's still beating." he told her. Tears ran freely down Ashley's cheeks as the familiar lub-dub pounded against her palm. She thought back to one of the first meetings she had been to with Reid, and how they had spoken about finding something to ground them when they felt unsteady. The strong, steady thumping of Reid's heart acted as an anchor, allowing her to unleash everything she'd experienced in the wake of the past three days. "I watched you die." she whispered, unable to shake off the macabre thought. "I'm still here." Reid assured her, "and I am so so sorry."
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