Chapter 199: Anchor
Namine led Riku over to one of the couches near where Alpha is sitting. Alpha and Amaryllis looked up at them as they approached, but the glances only lasted a second before they returned to their conversation.
"But it's been ages since there's been a raid," Amaryllis argued, his voice quiet. "Are you sure—"
"Amaryllis, we've been over this," Alpha interrupted, sounding more than annoyed. "They have the Program and Roxas. They don't need to raid us."
Namine settled on the couch, leaning largely against Riku. She opened her sketchbook—she'd brought it with her so that Alpha wouldn't assume anything suspicious. So it would seem like they'd just decided to come sit out here. She flipped to an older picture—the one of the dragon she hadn't completely finished yet. If she was working on it when the meltdown finally hit, it'd be harder for Alpha to accuse her of forcing the meltdown.
"Riku," she whispered, nudging him.
He looked down at her, and she pointed to the picture.
"That's cool," Riku said, though he seemed a little confused.
"It's not finished yet," Namine replied.
She'd only wanted to make sure Riku saw what she was working on so he could vouch for her later if Alpha were to ask questions.
"What about Namine?" Amaryllis hissed. He cast a hesitant look in her direction. "Do they still want her?"
"I'm sure they still want her," Riku said. "I mean, it was 37 and L who came up with that plan—and this is a Larxene we're talking about. They enjoy being needlessly cruel."
Namine froze. There was a catch in Riku's voice—an extra layer of venom behind his words. An extra layer of anger. Namine gripped her sketchbook tightly, trying to contain the shudders that shook her shoulders, trying to resist the urge to flip to a blank page and draw the darkness scarred walls and a darkness-cloaked—
No, no, no.
She refused to draw it.
"…probably can't," Alpha was saying. Namine attempted to focus her concentration on that instead. "Why would the Organization waste time and energy going after Namine when they have Roxas and he's just as capable of… y'know. Killing you." He looked directly at Riku. "We've been over this."
"We have," Namine agreed, but her voice cracked a little. "I didn't like this discussion," she added, to cover it up.
She didn't like the discussion because they'd discussed the chances of her being rewritten. One of her other nightmares.
"They aren't going to kidnap her." Alpha's voice. In her head. "…the whole purpose of kidnapping her… to Rewrite her to—"
"Are you saying… that he'd Rewrite me to—"
To kill Riku.
She bit her lip. She could feel the memories pounding in her head.
"What? Too scared to fight me?"
"I don't want to fight you…"
"Fine! Sit there and let me kill you for all I care!"
Yup…, she thought, with a sigh, squeezing her eyes shut. There the meltdown is.
At least this nightmare was better than the other one. It scared her less. The chances of being Rewritten were slimmer. The chances of—
"You okay?" Riku asked. She felt him lift her sketchbook from her lap—her hands were already curled around her head.
"Y- yeah…"
"A meltdown…?" Alpha said. He sounded… judgmental. Suspicious? Whatever it was, she definitely didn't like the tone of his voice. It made her angry. Made her focus.
Come on, she thought. Just like we discussed. Happy memories. Happy memories to counteract the bad ones.
She took a deep breath, trying to think about the moment after she'd told Riku about that nightmare. That was happy, wasn't it?
"You have to promise me you won't just sit there and let me kill you!"
"But I'd sooner—"
Maybe it wasn't.
Something else, she told herself. There's gotta be something—
And she saw it again. The walls of Castle Oblivion, marred by darkness. She didn't just see it, she felt it, tasted the stale air, could make out every detail in sharp and painful contrast. There, in the corner. A figure—she dared not think who—cowering in fear. And then she heard it.
Riku. Laughing. Gleefully.
"Riku, no," she gasped.
"I- I'm sorry," he stammered. His arms were around her, holding her head to his chest, but with the words he distanced himself a little. He moved his hands away from her.
She tried to blink the memory away, tried shove it aside, and buried her face in his chest, clenching the fabric of his shirt between her fingers. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean—"
"It- it's okay," he told her, and his arms were around her again. "It's okay I just- I don't know what to do." He was stuttering and stumbling over his words. "What are we supposed to do how is this supposed to work? You said- happy memories? But how am I supposed to help?"
His frantic words weren't helping. They only fed the meltdown, fueled the nightmare. But she wasn't sure how to tell him that, and his voice was something of a distraction, so she just clung tighter to him.
He went silent, and stayed silent. He moved closer, bending down, mouth against her ear.
"Should I kiss you?"
The words were less heard and more felt. Like he hadn't quite spoken them aloud.
The words anchored her, even if only for a second.
"No," she told him, stuttering. "No you shouldn't hang on I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
But the anchor was gone and the image wouldn't leave her mind. The nightmare was still haunting her. She was trying so hard to be strong and counteract the meltdown like she should be able to but it was too much. And she could feel the tears rolling from her eyes and pooling somewhere between her cheekbones and Riku's chest and—
"Let's see what it takes to make you scream."
Larxene's words.
Except it wasn't her voice.
It was Riku's.
Just the thought of it made Namine cry harder. She clung to Riku and clutched at him, grappling for an anchor, trying to pull herself out of that nightmare. She thought of different ones, tried to throw herself into them because they were better—anything was better—than this one. Except everything led back to it. Every memory, every thought, every breath.
"Remember Hollow Bastion?" Riku whispered, suddenly, his voice soft and almost wistful. His mouth was still near her ear, close enough that she could feel his lips move against it. "Just two days ago? Remember how we all crowded up in the guest bedroom as Aerith read that book? That wonderful book with the dragons and silly king and stuck up elf…"
She took a deep breath. There it was. Her anchor.
"You drew like twenty pictures." He chuckled—still heavy with sadness and worry but definitely a chuckle. "I watched you. Castles and forests and dragons and—"
She grabbed onto his words and constructed the scene around her in her mind. Her and Riku all curled up on the bed. Aerith perched at the end of it, reading aloud from the book. Yuffie on the floor near the door and Leon by the dresser. Cid had dragged a chair into the room, and was blocking the doorway.
And she had had her sketchbook open her lap, doodling as she listened. Dragons and princesses and a lion pacing in an emerald green forest—not that she'd had time to color it green.
"And the day before that?" Riku continued. "Remember? You learned magic."
She constructed that scene around her, too. Her and Aerith standing across each other, Aerith explaining gently what she needed to do and Namine hesitantly trying it out.
"That was fun!" Riku said. "It was awesome. It was… amazing. You're amazing. I—"
He stopped abruptly. She could feel his heart racing in his chest.
She pressed her face against him but it was no use.
She couldn't stop the giggles from coming.
"Oh my gosh, Riku," she gasped.
The air around them felt really hot.
"Forget I said it," Riku coughed.
"No, keep talking," she said. "Please."
"Is it working?"
"I just like hearing you talk."
She was teasing. Largely. So he wouldn't notice how shaken she was.
"I- I've- what else is there?" Riku asked. He shook his head, just slightly—she could feel his hair brush against her neck as he moved. "I've run out of things to talk about."
"There's gotta be something…" she murmured.
"I-"
"Tell me about dinner," she whispered, voice cracking. "Please…"
She needed him to keep talking. She could feel the meltdown lessening, drowned in the thoughts of Hollow Bastion but it hadn't stopped completely. It was still pounding. And the nightmare was still whispering in her mind…
"I need you to keep talking," she pleaded, trying to keep herself from trembling. She doubted she was successful.
"Dinner?" he asked. "Where Joseph spilled his glass in Cid's lap? 29 yelled at him but it was an accident. And Joseph whined. All night. And when he wasn't whining he was flicking things at me." Riku groaned a little. "29 eventually made him stop that but he flicked things at Toby instead, and Toby flicked things back and some of the things ended up in Cid's plate and-"
Namine smiled. She didn't remember all of this, but the thought was still amusing.
"And Yuffie tried to steal bread from me. She didn't manage." Riku laughed, almost triumphantly. "So she stole from Cid. Which was funny because he was on the other side of the table but somehow I'm the only one who noticed her steal it?"
Namine remembered this bit, so it was easier to construct the scene in her head again, throw herself into the moment. If she relived as much as she could of these memories, then the memories from the meltdown couldn't pull her under.
"Did you know that wasn't the first time she tried to steal from me, though?" Riku asked. "She tried to steal bacon from me. A…. week or two ago. When I was over there. Of course she couldn't steal the bacon, either. She seemed surprised. Everyone seemed surprised."
Riku shrugged, let out a long breath. He was calm. His heartbeat had slowed to a steady pace, his breathing even. She tried to match hers with his.
"Breakfast with them was nice," he said. "Yeah… nice. Nothing… exciting happened but it was nice. Just sharing breakfast together. Aerith only nodded off once. Yuffie was too tired to argue and Cid only complained that he'd burned himself on the bacon but. It was nice."
Namine tried to imagine this scene, and succeeded well enough. Cid swearing under his breath about bacon was easy enough to picture. Aerith falling asleep sitting up wasn't something she believed could happen in real life, but it was an entertaining thought.
"I can't… describe it…" Riku whispered. "I just… even if it'd gone terribly I don't think I could complain because- it's- it's home."
Namine grinned against his chest.
He shifted his weight, almost anxiously. He cleared his throat. Cleared it again.
"You good?" he asked. "It stop?"
"Mmmmmhmmmm," she replied, slowly, dragging the sound out. She didn't move.
He let out a long sigh, more frustrated this time. "This is why I didn't want to… y'know… and… where everyone can… …I know I was… but I…" He kept mumbling like that, and eventually she laughed and distanced herself from him so she could look him in the face.
"What's the matter?" she asked. She was teasing.
"I just said all that out loud and it's not like we're in private," he hissed.
She giggled. "You didn't say anything bad."
"I still said some embarrassing things. You sure this was necessary?"
"Yeah." She nodded and straightened further, turning to look straight at Alpha. She took a deep breath. "I said I could throw off a meltdown," she said, firmly.
"I never said you couldn't?" he replied, sounding a little confused. He considered her thoughtfully for a while. "So how'd you do it?"
"Happy memories!" Namine told him, practically singing. The reality of the fact of what she'd just managed to do was settling down on her, and it was exciting. "To counteract the bad ones!"
Alpha raised his eyebrows. "And Riku—?"
"I'm preeetty sure there's no correlation between him and the meltdowns," Namine said. She shrugged. "All he did was help me keep my mind on happy memories. Theoretically I could do it without his help—"
"The fact you can do it at all is accomplishment enough," Riku whispered. There was a smile in his voice, and it was contagious.
"But… how exactly did you do it?" Alpha asked, squinting. "It just… stopped?"
Namine thought about it for a moment, trying to describe how it worked. It'd been harder to pay attention this time, but if it was anything like the first time they'd stopped a meltdown, then…
"I drowned it," she answered. "Drowned it in memories that don't control me, don't scare me, won't consume me." She nodded. "The meltdowns are just memories that consume me, if only briefly. If it's happy memories, they either don't consume me, or it's harder to notice." She smiled, shrugged. "That's the best way I can describe it."
Alpha sighed. "Well, I suppose, as long as you can stop them," he muttered, turning away.
Namine let out a breath and made herself comfortable leaning against Riku.
"I knew I could do it," she whispered, closing her eyes and surrendering to his warmth. Even if the meltdown had stopped, she was exhausted.
He pressed his face into her hair.
"I never doubted you."