Chapter 5: Broken Heart

Emma stood up and lifted her shirt to examine the reflection of her stomach in the mirror. It looked flat, but she was quick to hypothesize it was probably too early for a bump to be visible already. Her breath catching in her throat and hardly swallowing, she leant back against the wall, keeping her hands on her abdomen. How was she supposed to handle this? She couldn't. It was not possible. Actually, maybe she was wrong; maybe she was not pregnant. Closing her eyes, she thought of the past month, and bit her lip: she undeniably had a delay. But she refused to believe she was pregnant. Maybe it was like she had told Henry; maybe all the stress from the past day had caused the sickness. And maybe the worry she had faced during the past weeks had been strong enough to disrupt her hormones.

Emma was in denial, convincing herself plenty of reasons could explain her current situation. This was the only way she could go through all of this. Too much was already happening. She couldn't be pregnant.

Henry was waiting right outside the bathroom.

"Are you okay?" he asked when she came out with a vacant look.

"Yes."

This was a lie, and he knew it, but she looked distant and he preferred not to insist.

"Mum?" He called her after they had finished eating breakfast. He went on once he had her attention. "I think I know why the true love's kiss didn't work."

Emma opened wide eyes while the reminder of this event seemed to tie her stomach into a knot. She didn't say anything and looked at her son inquiringly. Henry went to fetch his book and opened it on the table in front of her.

"Here," he said, his forefinger following one of the lines while he read, "A curse is not a curse anymore when the afflicted wants it."

"Killian didn't want that!" Emma instantly refuted. "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you like that."

"Don't worry, that's alright. I just thought it could explain why it didn't work; not because he wanted it, but because he forgot what he wanted, and now all he thinks he knows is that he's with Milah." The reminder was painful. Confused by what he meant, Emma let him go on. "Killian is a good man, and he thinks he's engaged to Milah. I don't think he has feelings for her, but he's surely trying to convince himself that he has. He wants to believe."

"And he wants to believe so hard that his will surpassed the power of the true love's kiss," Emma completed, at last seeing what her son meant.

"Yes!" Henry confirmed, flashing her a bright smile as if finding an explanation was solving the whole problem.

"But everything he believes is a lie. He's living a lie."

"But he doesn't know that."

Emma wanted to believe her son, because finding a solution was usually easier when the problem was identified. But even then, she was clueless; what was she supposed to do?

Henry was the one to break the silence. "If we explained him the situation, maybe he would want to know the truth, and you could try the true love's kiss again?"

"Maybe."

"We'll find a way," he reassured. "He's in love with you already, I'm sure about that. I was there, I saw the way he looked at you."

Emma hid her face in her hands. "What did she do to him?"

Henry gazed at her in silence, feeling sorry for not being more helpful.

"Everything he believes is wrong. He doesn't remember me, or you. But he remembers he has a brother," Emma summarized. "A brother he obviously dislikes. I wonder what he thinks happened between them. She totally disrupted his memories. And there's Milah, coming out of nowhere."

Henry was at a loss for words, willing to help but feeling helpless. He was seeing his mother in need of some comfort that he seemed unable to provide her.

"What if she's Regina?"

"What?" Henry asked, taken aback by this sudden question.

"Milah. What if she's not Milah? What if she's actually Regina?"

Henry frowned, considering her question. "I don't think that's possible. I mean, it is possible, but I don't think she would do that. This is a land without magic. She loves her powers too much to come here."

"You didn't notice anything strange in the way she was looking at you?"

The boy frowned again, struggling to follow the conversation. "Why?"

"You're the one she wants. Regina would pay more attention to you than Milah would. You didn't notice anything?"

"No," the boy answered. "Mum, why would she leave her world and all her magic, when she can send someone do the dirty job instead? I know her enough to know that's how she works. She always finds people to get things done."

"You're surely right." Emma was staring blankly at the window. Too many thoughts were streaming through her mind for her to keep track.

"Actually, we could check," Henry suggested. "If Regina is controlling Milah, that means she has Milah's heart. Killian could surely tell whether there's a heart beating in her chest."

Emma made a face and repressed the unpleasant mental picture.

"Sorry," Henry apologized. "I didn't mean to say anything wrong."

"That's fine. And that was a good idea but that wouldn't work. Because if there's a heart beating inside her chest, it wouldn't mean for sure that's Regina; it could also be Milah, not controlled, but simply cursed like Killian is. And even if there's not a heart beating inside her chest, who knows it's not Regina still? Is there any evidence this monster actually has a heart?" Her words were heavy with sarcasm, but her expression changed as a feeling of guilt overtook her. "You shouldn't be the one to be sorry. I am. I'm being unfair to you. I know you're just trying to help."

"Mum, that's fine. I just wish I could help you more."

"No one can."

Her voice was barely loud enough for Henry to hear her last sentence. Feeling powerless was making her blunt and distant, but releasing her frustration on her son was the last thing she meant to do. It sounded like she was angry at him, but she wasn't; he hadn't done anything wrong. Of course, no matter how hurtful it was to imagine the man she loved with another woman, she wasn't angry at Killian either; he had not wanted any of this, he was not the one to blame. The simple thought of Milah was making her sick, but she also wasn't to blame. Even Regina was hardly the one Emma was holding responsible; Regina had caused all this mess and she hated her for this but, at this moment, Emma felt like the problem was herself. She was blaming herself for everything that had happened. At the royal ball, she had failed at protecting her loved ones; she had listened to Killian and let him face the Evil Queen on his own, whereas her magic could have been powerful enough to stop him from falling through that portal. And now that she was in New York and had found him, she was clueless about what to do to get him back. She was defenseless and felt like she was no match for the Evil Queen; this was why she was the problem. Another thought crossed her mind and she pressed clenched fists against her abdomen: maybe the problem wasn't herself, but what was possibly happening inside her. She had tried to deny it, but she obviously couldn't do so any longer. She needed to be sure.

"I need to go to the shop," she suddenly announced.

"Again? We went yesterday."

"There are things I… forgot to buy."

Still hoping she was wrong about the fact she was pregnant, Emma didn't want to tell him more about it. She needed to buy a test to get a confirmation first. Picturing herself at the store, she made a face as she realized he would probably ask her why she was buying a pregnancy test. The thought of going there on her own crossed her mind, but she didn't like the idea of leaving him at the apartment alone; not when he had no way to contact her if he needed to.

Gazing at her, Henry looked confused.

"We need to get you a phone," Emma declared, and her son's confusion only seemed to grow. "It can always be useful. In case we need to get in touch."

"Oh, you mean the thing you use to call, like Ariel's seashell?" he asked. "Like the one you have?"

"Yes." His lack of knowledge of the modern world forced a smile out of her. "It doesn't have to be exactly the same as mine, but it'll serve the same purpose."

A salesperson came to them as soon as they entered the electronics department. Emma told him she was looking for a phone for Henry and, a moment later, the man was praising the features of the most recent smartphone.

"I thought it was only used to call," the boy addressed his mother with a bright smile. "You hadn't told me it could do all these things!"

Emma caught the salesperson's eye. Surely it was unusual for a child to know so little about modern technology. Not finding any explanation which would sound plausible, she didn't raise it, and rushed Henry instead.

Once he had his phone – not the most recent model but still one with more functionalities than he would ever use – the advantage was that he was too busy reading the instruction book to pay any attention to what Emma was buying. Heading to the drugstore of the hypermarket, she hoped no clerk would come and ask her if she needed help. Thankfully, there was no one there, and she quickly found what she was looking for. She felt like she had a lump in the throat when she reached for the pregnancy test. Imagining it to give her a positive result and guessing there might be a risk of false positives associated with these tests, she decided to buy two of them. Using the self-checkout machine allowed her to avoid cashiers and, after quickly hiding the tests amid the few other items she had bought, they left the place.

Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, Emma was holding her breath while watching the test. The control line had appeared and no other line was visible yet, and she was hoping it would remain this way. Watching out for the second line she didn't want to see appear, she was anxiously casting glances at the countdown on her phone. Seconds seemed to linger, whereas all she wanted was to reach the time limit as soon as possible; this moment when, hopefully, she would be able to conclude she was not pregnant.

"No…"

The thin pink line she dreaded to see appear became visible within the time limit. She took a closer look, but it only confirmed she was not imagining it: the test line was definitely there.

"No…" she repeated, as if it would help her deny the fact that she was seemingly pregnant.

When the test line appeared on the second test, she buried her face in her hands. She was pregnant. She felt sick as memories of the time when she was in jail came back to her. Despite the years which had gone by, she was feeling as unable to go through this as the first time. What was supposedly happening within her was feeling as intrusive as it had felt years before.

She didn't know how long she had been sitting there, with her face in her hands. All she knew was that she had not wanted this. She did not want this, and it occurred to her that, unlike the first time, she actually had a choice: she could interrupt it. Sitting up straight, she considered the idea. She would be able to pretend that none of it had happened. She was wondering about the procedure to follow and about where to find the help she needed when it struck her: she thought of Killian and a sudden wave of guilt washed over her for considering such an option. She imagined getting him back and telling him that he could have been a father, but that this wouldn't happen because she had interrupted her pregnancy.

Until this moment too shaken to even cry, picturing a heartbroken Killian made her burst into tears. He would never understand. Even if she explained him all she knew about pregnancy and abortion, he would not understand why, while carrying their child, she had decided to stop everything. To him, it would undoubtedly sound like she had killed their baby. Even more tears flowed down her cheeks as the picture of a devastated Killian lingered on her mind. Horrified, she took her hands to her lower abdomen and looked down. For Killian at least, she needed to keep the baby.

A little voice in her mind asked her what would happen if she didn't manage to get Killian back, and tears kept silently rolling down her cheeks as she came to the conclusion that, in that case, the baby would be the only thing she would have left of him.

She broke down once again: her decision wasn't giving her any solution about how to go through pregnancy on her own, or about how to take care of a baby, and she was scared, not feeling like she was able to do any of this.

"Mum, why are you still in the bathroom? Are you okay?"

Henry. She had to tell him something.

"Coming."

This was the only word she was able to articulate, but at least he knew she was still there and hadn't passed out.

She had told him she was coming, but she was feeling so drained that she wasn't sure she even had the energy to get back on her feet. The thought of her son put a smile back on her face. She was feeling extremely lucky to have him in her life, especially in such difficult times, because he was always the one bringing a touch of optimism even when the situation looked hopeless. She had always wondered how he was doing it; was it due to childhood innocence? She hoped it wasn't, because she didn't want him to lose this ability to always look on the bright side when growing up. Wishing she would be like him, she looked down at her stomach and tried to imagine what he would say when she would tell him; undoubtedly nothing negative. A few more tears rolled down her cheeks and she was feeling so overwhelmed that she didn't even know which emotion had triggered them.

"I will take care of you," she whispered while caressing her abdomen.

Drying her tears, she got up and got out of the bathroom.

"Mum, you're crying," Henry noticed and hugged her. Like earlier on that day, he had been waiting right outside the bathroom.

"I'm not anymore," she whispered while wrapping her arms around him. "Henry, there's something I need to tell you."

Softly pulling away from the hug, Henry inquiringly looked up.

Needing some support, Emma leant back against the door frame before saying, "But you have to promise me you won't tell anyone. Especially not Killian."

The boy lightly frowned, curious about what she was about to tell him. "I promise."

Emma gazed at her son for a moment, thinking of the best way to word it. She forced a smile and told him, "You're going to be a big brother."

"What?" His face lit up. "Me? A big brother? Does that mean you're pregnant?"

"Yes." She bit her lip and a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Why are you crying?" Henry hugged her, noticeably more carefully. "Killian will be delighted."

"What about you?" Emma asked out of curiosity.

"I am too! And you should be as well."

"I'm just not sure I can do it all on my own."

"You're not on your own," reassured Henry. "I'm here. So is Killian."

"Killian isn't really here at the moment. And remember: we can't tell him anything."

"He soon will be. We'll get him back. And why can't we tell him? Maybe that'd help him remember."

"He doesn't even remember me, I can't tell him I'm pregnant and he's the baby's father. Especially not when he thinks he's engaged to someone else."

Henry remained silent for a moment, thinking about the whole situation. When he looked up at Emma, his eyes were filled with innocence and curiosity. "How did you get pregnant?"

"It happened before Regina sent him here," Emma answered, thinking he was wondering about how it had happened whereas she hadn't been with Killian for almost a month. But this didn't seem to answer his question. "Oh please, don't ask me to explain you how to make babies."

"No, I know how to…" He trailed off midsentence and crunched his nose. "Eww. You and Killian did that?"

Something sounding like half a laugh, half a sob, escaped Emma and she pulled her son into a hug; a laugh because it amused her to see how, no matter how mature he could be, he still happened to sometimes react like a child of his age, and a sob because it just reminded her how much she missed Killian.

"One day, you will understand."

Mother and son had figured out a plan. The first part consisted in knowing more about Killian and Milah. The second part had yet to be defined, depending on the outcome of the first one. All they knew was that Killian and Milah didn't seem to remember anything from the Enchanted Forest and were convinced that New York was their home. Also, they thought they were engaged, and Killian remembered his brother but obviously not in a positive way. All of this was raising many questions. Were they in love with each other? What was their life like? What had Regina done with their memories? Were they both cursed, or was Milah controlled by Regina or worse, was she Regina herself?

Emma and Henry decided that, before doing anything else, they needed to know more about their life and for that, they would only stalk them. When Henry asked his mother whether following Killian without his knowing was not a weird thing to do, Emma admitted she didn't really like this plan, but she wasn't feeling ready to confront him yet anyway; what would she even tell him if she did? That was why, on the next morning, they went to watch the coffee shop. Emma's heart skipped a beat when she saw the man she loved going there at a quarter past eight, like two days earlier. She had to fight against her instincts and remind herself of their plan to resist the temptation to cross the road and join him. Waiting outside his apartment block, they followed him when he came out of it, but they lost sight of him when he entered the subway station. Henry suggested to go and see Milah instead, but Emma refused, having even less to say to her than to Killian, and fearing they would make her suspicious.

On the next day, Killian went to the coffee shop at a quarter past eight again and, a bit later, went back to the subway station. This time having MetroCards in their possession, Emma and Henry were able to follow him and hopped on a train of the green line. It was crowded enough to allow them to go unnoticed even if only a few feet were separating them from Killian.

"I wonder where he's going," Emma thought out loud.

"A place called Southward, I think."

This got a smile out of her. "Southward is not a place, it's just the direction. But there are many stops."

"So you don't know where we're going?"

"No," Emma answered distractedly, watching Killian.

"It's weird to know the town is above us," Henry commented. "How did they do that? How didn't the buildings fall down when they dug under it?"

Emma considered the question for a second. "I don't know."

Guessing it was not the best time to ask questions, the boy spent the rest of the journey looking around and trying to find answers by himself in silence.

"He's getting off!" She grabbed her son's hand and pulled him out of the train.

"Bowling Green," Henry read the name of the station. "Do you know where we are?"

"Must be somewhere in the south of Manhattan."

They made their way through the crowd and rushed out of the station. It was when the lights for pedestrians went red before they had time to cross the road that they lost sight of him.

"Did he turn left or right?" Henry asked.

"I don't know, I couldn't see. So many people…"

"He mustn't be far."

They were facing a park and decided to turn left, but soon realized they had probably made the wrong choice. They walked around the park but there was no sign of Killian. When they found themselves on the quay and a two-master vaguely reminding her of the Jolly Roger – even if that one was far from being as majestic as the ship she loved – left the shore, it dawned on her.

"Of course. Regina must have done more than just modifying their memories; she created them a whole new life." It looked so obvious that she wondered why she hadn't thought of it earlier. "Killian must be working on one of those. I don't know how she did it, but she must have given him a job."

"Awesome! Then we just need to watch all the ships."

Henry sounded genuinely optimistic, but this happened to be more complicated than he had thought. At the end of the day, they had not caught even a glimpse of him.

They had more luck on the next day. Following him to the same park, they saw him boarding a ship which was not the two-master Emma had seen, but a ferry taking tourists to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.

One more day of investigation confirmed Killian had not boarded the ship for some sightseeing and was indeed working there.

Unlike during the rest of the week, they saw Killian again on the evening. Seeing him walking hand in hand with Milah created a lump in Emma's throat. It was Friday night, and they were going out like an ordinary couple.

"Mum, are you sure you want to follow them?"

"I need to know if he loves her. Maybe you're right. Maybe he doesn't love her and is only trying to convince himself that he does."

Walking on the opposite sidewalk, they followed them. When Milah pulled him to a stop and closed the distance between herself and Killian, Emma felt like something inside her was breaking. The pain she felt made her lean against the road sign next to her and tighten her hold on her son's hand.

"Mum, we should go."

"No." Every second spent watching them kiss was hurting her, but she was somehow unable to take her eyes off them.

"It won't bring you any good…"

"I need to know," she interrupted her son. "She was the one to initiate the kiss. Maybe he didn't want it."

All she wanted at this moment was to know if he loved Milah; if he was only pretending, maybe there was still hope.

Milah and Killian went to an Italian restaurant, and Emma and Henry remained outside, hidden in the shadows and watching them through the window. Killian was turning his back on them. They were talking and Emma could see Milah's smile; he was making her happy. This was enough to break through the defensive walls Emma had worked on building during the past week and to bring tears to her eyes. Since the day when she had learnt about her pregnancy, she had not cried. She had decided to take a page out of Henry's book and to try and be optimistic even when the situation looked hopeless. She was doing it for her son; she didn't want to burden him with her doubts and fears. She wanted to look strong. She needed him more than she would ever admit, but she was the one supposed to take care of him, not the other way around. This was why she had buried her negative thoughts and had tried to convince herself that everything would be alright. This was also why they had followed only Killian and had let Milah go about her business; Emma had felt like seeing her would ruin all her efforts to keep believing she would find a way to get Killian back. She had been right: seeing Milah with the man she loved had broken her defensive walls down. Watching them, she was not even aware of the tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Mum, you're torturing yourself. We should go. Come home with me."

"Alright," Emma nodded. "But tomorrow I'll go to Starbucks, and it won't be to watch Killian and follow him. I need to talk to him."

Ten past eight. Emma's eyes kept shifting between her phone indicating the time and the entrance door of the coffee shop.

"Relax, mum," Henry said between two bites. "He's never showed up before a quarter past eight."

They were sitting at a table in a corner of the coffee shop. The boy had had his heart set on a hot chocolate and a bagel, while Emma had settled for just a coffee. She was too preoccupied to be able to eat anything.

"A quarter past eight," she announced five minutes later. "He should be here."

"He will come."

"Remember…"

"I know," Henry interrupted. "I stay here at the table while you talk to him." Tempted to go to the coffee shop alone, Emma had hesitated before they had agreed to go together. "And if… Mum!"

She instantly turned to the door and there he was, entering the coffee shop. Walking straight to the counter, he didn't see them. Something caught her attention; something she had not noticed before because, all week, she had left some distance between them when she had been following him, and had mostly seen his back. But at this moment, she was close enough, and his vacant look was what struck her the most.

"Mum! Go," Henry whispered while patting her arm.

She nodded and got on her feet. Feeling a knot in her stomach, she stopped a few steps behind him and took a deep breath.

"Killian?"

He instantly stood up straight at the sound of her voice calling his name, and turned around to face her.

"Emma!"

His face lit up and her heart threatened to burst out of her chest.

"Killian!"

His bright smile and the sparkle in his eyes made him look like the man she knew; the man who loved her. Her features reflecting his own, she took a step toward him. Did he remember her, or was he simply happy to see again this unknown woman who had knocked on his door? She didn't know, and she didn't care. She was just glad to see this bright smile on his lips. But he turned back to pick his order and, when he faced her again, it was gone.

"What are you doing here?" he bluntly asked.

"I…" Unsettled by this sudden shift of mood, she searched his eyes. The sparkle that had been there seconds earlier was gone as well. "I need to talk to you. Maybe we could spend some time together."

"Emma, I can't. I have Milah, we're getting married. I can't just invite you home and see what's on Netflix."

The lump in her throat threatened to choke her and she found herself fighting against tears. "This isn't you. The real you isn't supposed to know what Netflix is."

"I have to go. I'm sorry."

At least, he sounded like he genuinely was; or maybe that was what she wanted to believe, because she didn't want to think the man she loved was hurting her without any qualms. He walked past her, heading to the way out.

"I can explain everything," she tried to stop him. "You've been cursed. Maybe by the very woman you're living with. But I need to…"

"Milah wouldn't do any wrong," Killian interrupted, stopping and turning around to face her again.

"Is there a heart beating inside her chest?"

The question which had been gnawing at her slipped out of her mouth before she had time to think it through, and she instantly regretted it when she saw him frown.

"What even is this question? Of course there is!"

The anger she could see in his eyes rendered her speechless.

"I really need to go."

He turned his back on her and, once again, she tried to stop him. "Wait! Can I ask you one more question?"

He stopped but, this time, didn't turn around.

"You just did," he said while turning his head to the right and looking down, allowing her to see his profile. "But you can ask another one," he added with a smile which didn't reach his eyes nor matched the gloomy tone of his voice.

He didn't move and was staring at the floor while waiting for her question. Emma gulped before blurting out, "Do you love her?"

Killian glanced back at her before averting his eyes. She could only see the back of his head as he was facing the way out when he answered, "Yes."

Without any other word, he took the few steps which were separating him from the door and left the coffee shop. Emma stood there, trying to process what had just happened and failing so far. She was thinking of all these contradictory emotions she had seen succeeding one another, and she didn't understand. All she knew was that she had lost him again. Her vision became blurry as tears filled her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. Soon, she found herself wrapped in her son's arms, but she didn't even have the strength to hug him back.

"What did she do to him?" she asked, still staring at the door.