Chapter 6: Affair of the Heart
Emma had always lost everyone, and it looked like she was losing Killian too. Lying on the couch, mental images of her last encounter with him at the coffee shop were haunting her. She was reliving the moment all over again. It had happened almost three hours earlier, and she was still unable to understand why he had expressed so many different emotions in such a short span of time; why his look had been so vacant when he had entered the place, why every hint of the happiness which had brightened his features when he had seen her had suddenly disappeared, why he had seemed to be so mad at her, or why he had averted his eyes before affirming he loved Milah. Emma actually had plausible answers to each of her questions, but was struggling to put all these theories together. She liked to think that the fact Killian loved Milah was a lie, and that this was why he had looked away when saying it. But she wasn't sure about it; maybe that was just what she wanted to believe, and just because she believed something didn't make it true. This was actually the only satisfying answer she had found. The fact he was mad at her was making her feel sick, but it was obvious that he was. His angry look was haunting her and she hated that it had been directed to her, but she could understand: she had undoubtedly sounded like she was trying to get him back by turning him against the one he was engaged to, and that was lame. But what was scaring her the most was this sudden change from this bright smile and those sparkling eyes – which had even made her wonder if he remembered her – to this blank expression. At first, this element of their encounter was only the most confusing. But then, it became the scariest when she considered the possibility that, maybe, it wasn't about Milah she had to worry: maybe Killian was the one without a heart beating inside his chest. His heart had already been ripped out once, and it had been the occasion for them to notice that it was not stopping him from being in love with her; without his heart, he would still be able to express happiness when seeing her, and he had done just that, in the meantime indicating that, deep down, he liked her. This thought would have filled her with joy and hope if the memory of his sudden change of expression wasn't gnawing at her. She could imagine the Evil Queen with his heart in her hand, controlling him from her castle or wherever she was, and forcing any expression to fade away. This theory could also explain his vacant look, or the perfect routine which he seemed to be following every day; Killian wasn't the routine-type of man. He wasn't being himself. There was something off, and Emma was horrified by the idea that, maybe, he was nothing more than Regina's puppet.
"Mum, that's not possible," Henry said when she shared her theory with him. "You protected his heart with a spell, remember? Like you did with mine. Regina can't have ripped it out of his chest."
"There's no proof the spell worked," Emma retorted, thinking of adding this to the list of her failures.
"I think his heart is still beating inside his chest," the boy maintained.
"Maybe you're right."
But if he was right, it meant that he had been the one wiping out all hint of happiness from his features; that, no matter how he was feeling towards her, he was trying to deny it and to believe he was in love with Milah. Emma wondered if this was not even worse than the idea of his heart being under Regina's control, because it would mean this was his own will.
"He loves her. Or at least, he wants to believe he does," Emma thought out loud. "When I first met him in the Enchanted Forest and was trying to find a way back to Boston, he was ready to let me go for the exact reason he loved me. I love him. Doesn't it mean I should let him go if that's what he wants?"
"No. Don't do this. It's not the same. Because that's not what he wants. He didn't choose this situation. He has been cursed. You need to fight to get him back!"
"It's not that easy."
"Giving up is letting Regina win."
"Maybe I just need to admit she did. Killian wants to believe he loves her, and Milah seems to be genuinely in love with him. You saw her last night. Which means one of us will lose him and suffer."
"And it won't be you!" Henry raised his voice and Emma lifted her eyebrows in surprise. "You can't give up on him! He needs you just as much as you need him!" The boy paused and added more calmly, "Everything he thinks he knows is wrong. I'm sure he's already in love with you but he doesn't admit it because of good form, because he thinks he's engaged to Milah. He needs time, but his love for you will be too strong eventually. He won't be able to deny it anymore."
"How can you always be so optimistic?" Emma asked admiringly.
"Operation True Love. I wrote your story, remember?" He reminded her with a bright smile. "You and Killian went through a lot, but every time you ended up finding each other, because that's true love, and good always wins."
Emma went to hug him. That was when she remembered how, a few days earlier, she had decided not to burden him. Even if he was amazing at reassuring and comforting her, it was not his role. She needed to put herself together; to be more like her son, who was optimistic and also joyful at the idea of discovering the realm in which she grew up.
"Since Killian needs time," Emma said, resolving to be stronger. For her son. "How about we go out and I show you more of this realm?"
The kid's face lit up. "Yes!"
This was how they spent the next few days: hanging around town. Emma took her son to some of the most famous spots in the city, for his greatest delight. Most of the places they visited amazed Henry. Central Park and the Museum of Natural History were his favorite places, even if he was also very fond of the view the top of the Empire State Building offered.
Besides being tourists, Emma also took him to the movies when he reminded her that he had never watched one, and the experience exceeded his expectations. He enjoyed it so much that she bought him a few DVDs they could watch at night.
"Mum, can we go in there, too?" Henry asked when they walked past a bookstore.
"Sure we can! Come." Emma opened the door and let him get inside first.
"Wow, cool!" Henry looked around before turning to his mother. "Do you think they have the books you talked about? Those about the gillyweed."
"You want to read Harry Potter?"
"Yes!"
"They're right here," the bookshop owner flashed them a smile as she indicated one of the shelves.
"Well, that will keep you busy for a while!" Emma said when they got out with the entire collection.
To Henry, all of this was one of the greatest adventures. To Emma, besides being an occasion to bond with her son, it was mostly a distraction keeping her from checking the time and guessing what Killian was doing, or wondering whether he was thinking about her. It was not really working, but she was doing her best to pretend it was.
But pretending was not enough. It was rather warm for a day of the end of November and they were sitting on a bench in Brooklyn Bridge Park. Henry had already devoured the two first volumes of the Harry Potter series during the previous days, and was currently reading the third one. Emma's reading was completely different: having in mind that it was her duty to take care of the baby and that, for once, she didn't want to feel like she had failed, she had bought a few books about pregnancy to try and gather as much information as she could. She was reading about sonograms when she looked up at the river and got lost in her thoughts. Four days later, she would be heading to her first ultrasound; even for Henry, she had never got one. A few days earlier, she had gathered her courage to call and schedule an appointment, convincing herself that it was the wise thing to do for the baby. She had secretly been hoping that a miracle would occur and that Killian would be by her side, but days were going by and it seemed more and more likely that she would go without him.
"Mum…"
She didn't react and kept blankly staring at the river. Streams of tears were staining her cheeks. She was doing her best to pretend she was fine, but Henry was not fooled; she was not as fine as she pretended to be. He could feel she was lonely, especially during these moments when her sadness was getting the upper hand and, despite trying his best to help her, he was feeling like he was not enough. His mother was not okay, and he was feeling more and more helpless about it. He needed help to make her feel better, she needed someone else's support. He knew the only one able to fix all of this was Killian himself, but he was unavailable at this moment. The one Henry had in mind wasn't him, but someone close; someone who might be able to comfort his mother, or even to give any ideas about what to do to get Killian back. Reaching for his bag, the boy brought out of it the object he had been thinking of using for several days. Emma had not approved, but Henry didn't know what else to do.
"Mum…"
Once again, he tried to get her attention, deciding that he wouldn't do it if she reacted. But she didn't seem to even hear him. Henry looked down at the seashell he was holding in his hands. It was time to use it. Emma had clearly told him not to when he had suggested the idea but, to him, there was nothing wrong in asking for some help. Taking the seashell to his lips, he blew into it. The feeling of guilt was instant. He quickly hid the seashell behind him and hugged his mother.
Emma's musings were interrupted when she felt her son's arms around her. She quickly wiped her tears away when she realized she had been crying. Again. At first, she thought that was the reason why Henry was hugging her but then, she noticed there seemed to be something else.
"Henry? Are you okay?"
"That depends." He looked up and, seeing how worried she looked, he blurted out, "Would you be mad at me if I told you I've just done something you didn't want me to?"
"Henry, what did you do?"
The boy reached for the seashell and showed it to her, looking down when he said, "I've called them."
"Henry!"
"I'm sorry!" He felt his face warming up and a lump in his throat making it more difficult to breathe. "I don't know how to help you anymore. Maybe they will."
And if they could help her, being scolded was worth it. But her voice was much softer than he had expected when she asked, "What do you think they could do that you can't?"
"We need them. I'm not enough."
"Henry…" She made sure he was looking her in the eye before adding, "I don't want to hear you say that you're not enough. Ever again."
She pulled him into a hug. She had been trying not to burden him but was obviously failing, and she felt guilty for that.
"You're helping me much more than you can imagine. I wouldn't be able to go through all of this without you."
Henry softly pulled away and looked up. "So you're not mad at me?"
"I can't be mad at you… even if I don't approve what you did…" She realized Liam and Ariel might turn up any time and she wondered what would happen. "What am I even going to tell them?"
The boy shrugged. "The truth."
He was right. She caught a glimpse of the book closed on her lap and quickly handed it to Henry. "Hide this in your bag. And remember, not a word about the fact I'm pregnant. I don't want anyone to know about it before Killian does."
Henry just had time to nod before a man's voice caught their attention. "Emma?"
"Liam! Ariel! You came!" The boy got up and ran to them, hugging the damp-haired newcomers one after the other.
Emma followed and, despite the whole situation, a genuine smile tugged at her lips. "Ariel, Liam, it's really good to see you here."
Henry looked up at his mother, delighted to see that she seemed to mean it and that calling them was ultimately not such a bad thing to do. And Emma did mean it: she had lived in this realm for twenty-eight years but it had only felt strange since her return, and the presence of familiar faces was making it more bearable.
"So… Why did you summon us?" Liam asked, concerned.
"We thought you'd like to be kept up to date."
"Aye, that we do."
Emma realized she had never noticed how much some of Liam's intonations were alike his brother's, and it made her stare at him.
"Emma, are you alright?"
"Yes," Emma lied.
"And Killian?"
"He..." Emma flattened her lips, fighting against the tears which were suddenly threatening to come up. "He doesn't remember me and thinks he's engaged to Milah."
"Milah? The Dark One's wife?" asked Ariel.
"I thought she was-"
"Dead?" Emma interrupted Liam. "She's not. She's here too."
Their looks of confusion were not making it easier for her to fight against the tears, but she kept resisting. Her son came to hug her.
"Killian is trying to convince himself that he loves Milah, that's why the true love's kiss didn't work," Henry explained. "But he's in love with mum already. He just doesn't want to admit it yet."
"We don't know that," said Emma. "These are just theories."
"And they're right," added Henry.
"Did you talk to him?" Ariel asked.
"Yes... It didn't go well."
"He's refusing to admit the truth," Henry completed his mother's words once again.
"Do you want me to try and talk to him? I'm his brother, maybe he..."
"No!" Emma interrupted. "He does remember you, but Regina did something to his memories and he seems to hate you."
"What about me? Maybe I can help," Ariel offered.
"I... I don't think you can. He surely doesn't remember you either."
The truth was that Emma was feeling like fixing this was her duty. Luckily for her, Liam refused as well, even if it was for completely different reasons.
"My love?" He addressed the mermaid, his intonation once again painfully reminding Emma of Killian. "I don't want you to get involved in this, that's too dangerous. Go back underwater, that's where you'll be safe."
"What about you?" she asked, surprise tinting her words.
"He's my brother. I need to do something."
"The fact he's your brother should be my reason to stay as well."
"Please. I don't want you to be the next target of the Evil Queen."
Still hugging her son, Emma watched them gazing at each other, trying to convince the other one. At last, Ariel sighed.
"Okay, I'll go back underwater. But that's only because I love you. You call me whenever you want to come back to our realm."
Ariel came to Emma and Henry stepped back, giving the two women some space.
"Be strong, Emma," she said while hugging her friend. "He will come back to you, I know it. You and Killian are made for each other. Just the way you make eyes is enough to say it's true love. No one can break that, not even the Evil Queen."
"Thank you," she whispered.
"That's nothing but the truth," Ariel said with a bright smile.
"Liam, are you sure you want to stay?" Emma asked when Ariel was ready to leave.
"Killian would want me to take care of you and keep you safe," he replied, knowing that mentioning what his brother would want would be more powerful to convince her than mentioning his own will. "And he seems to also be needing some help. I'm staying."
Ariel left and Liam followed Henry and his mother to the apartment. He reassured Emma about her parents: he had been with them aboard the Jolly Roger, and they were safely heading back to their castle. He told her that, when receiving the call from the seashell, they had felt confident about their abilities to sail the ship without him. Emma questioned it but he confirmed they could handle it.
By the time they had told him about everything that had happened during the two weeks they had spent in New York – everything except her pregnancy – it was night and Henry, eager to show him more of this realm, suggested to watch a movie.
Emma was barely aware of what was playing on the television. Her son pulled her out of her thoughts when the movie was over and he announced he was going to bed. She took a deep breath, trying to chase away the thoughts about going through her pregnancy without Killian.
"Don't lose faith, Emma. Henry is right, Killian will come back to you," said Liam.
Emma nodded silently, knowing that saying anything would trigger the tears.
"Come here."
Despite his words, Emma didn't move and Liam was the one to close the distance between them, pulling her against him and wrapping her in his arms.
"Killian and I are the same on some points. Our hearts break when we see tears in a woman's eyes," he justified his gesture, though Emma didn't think he needed to. She was more focused on another feature he shared with his brother: she could easily ignore the slight differences and imagine she was in Killian's soothing arms.
"It's more difficult than I thought," she admitted. "I'm trying to be strong. Mostly for Henry, because he believes in me and I don't want to disappoint him. But he still knows. I made him feel like he was not enough and he thought you could help more. That's why he called you. He doesn't realize how much he's doing for me. I couldn't do it without him."
She was opening up, taking advantage of having an adult friend to pour her heart out. She leant her head against him and a sigh of relief escaped her. Liam was not his brother and she didn't remember having ever been so close to him, but she was glad to have him by her side.
"It's nice to have you here," she let him know, nestling against him. "These past weeks have felt so unfamiliar. I have lived in this realm for twenty-eight years, but it's like I don't recognize it anymore. I've always felt like an outcast, but I didn't know what it felt like to belong somewhere. Now that I do, everything here feels messed up and overwhelming, and that makes the Enchanted Forest unreal. As if my life there was just a dream." Emma paused and wondered why she was saying all of this and what had led her there. Pondering the progression of her thoughts, it came back to her. "Oh, yes. I was saying it's nice to have you here, because seeing you and Ariel today made everything about the Enchanted Forest more… real? As if you were a proof that it was not all just a dream or something. I don't know if that makes any sense," she added, looking up at him. "Or maybe I'm just weird."
"Probably."
His answer was so unexpected that her eyebrows arched up and a smile tugged at her lips. "Are you saying I'm weird?"
"No. I was just trying to make you smile. And it worked."
Her smile brightened and was reflected on Liam's features.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"Emma, please, you don't have to thank me for this. Being able to make you smile even in dark times is an honor," said Liam. "And about what you said, I actually don't think you're weird. It's not surprising this realm feels unfamiliar. I'd even say it all makes sense. You may have spent twenty-eight years here and only a year in the Enchanted Forest, but these are just numbers. Everything that happened to you during this past year; Killian, Henry, your parents… Love changed your life. I can't even imagine what mine would be without Ariel, but going back to the life I had before would undoubtedly feel odd. And that's without having to change realms."
"I just hope it'll be easy to go back to the life we used to have. That we can forget everything about New York and pretend it never happened."
"I'm afraid Killian won't let that happen. With some time, life will return to normal, but at first… I know my brother. He'll blame himself for what you're going through right now."
"But it's not his fault!"
"I know, but he'll still blame himself; my dear brother can be a stubborn arse. He will blame himself and guilt will be quite a burden for him."
"Sounds like something he would do," Emma admitted with a sigh. Wondering what time it was, she checked her phone. "Wow, it's late already! Will you be alright to go back?"
"Aye, I will. But are you sure you don't want me to spend the night here?"
"You need to go back to my parents, to bring them back home."
"Ariel is with them," he reminded her.
"She doesn't know how to sail a ship more than they do. They need you."
Liam nodded but stayed there a bit longer. Holding onto his comforting arms, Emma's thoughts went back to Killian.
"What am I supposed to do?" she asked, breaking the silence which had settled between them.
"You should go and see him tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Emma looked up at him. "He's not ready for that... I am not ready for that. Not after what happened last time. I have to give him more time."
"And just how much time do you plan on giving him? Emma, don't you think you've waited long enough? I understand it'd be easier if he was the one to come back to you, but even if he wanted to, how is he supposed to find you?"
Liam wasn't waiting for any answer and Emma knew it: he was right.
"Tomorrow, go and see him. Perhaps not at the coffee shop, because he'll have to go back to Milah and won't have time for you."
"I can go to his workplace, in the afternoon, to see him at the end of his shift."
"Aye, that sounds good. And I can come back to stay here with Henry, so that you can spend some time alone with my brother."
Emma was thankful for his offer but also worried. "Are you sure it's okay for you to go from one realm to another like this?"
"With Killian, we used to say we'd follow each other to the ends of the earth. It's about time for me to do just that. I will come back tomorrow and stay with Henry, and you'll go and see my brother."
That was what happened. Liam left at night and came back on the next day. Henry was delighted to get another occasion to show him more of this realm. In the afternoon, Emma headed to Battery Park, the place from where ships were departing for the Statue of Liberty. She had observed Killian's routine enough to know perfectly where to find him: there was this place called Castle Clinton, which didn't look like a castle – especially for someone coming from the Enchanted Forest. That was where the company Killian was working for was settled and Emma knew that, at some point, he would come out of it and head to the subway station. Standing where she was, she couldn't miss him.
Her heart skipped a beat when he appeared. She didn't need to say anything.
"Emma! What are you doing here?"
A bright smile lit up his face just like it had when she had met him at the coffee shop, and she hoped it wouldn't disappear as suddenly.
"I need to talk to you."
His smile faded but it was not to give way to the expression Emma was dreading to see: he only looked surprised. "How did you know where to find me?"
"I…" She had not expected this question. Her hesitation made him smile and it gave her the courage to go on. "I guess you can call me a stalker: I followed you."
"You followed me?" he asked, his eyebrows shooting up.
"Sorry." She examined his features, relieved to see that, more than anything else, he looked amused.
"Actually, I'm glad you did. Flattered, even. I was looking for you, but I had no idea about where to find you."
"You were looking for me," Emma repeated, resisting the temptation to believe everything would go well this time; any second, everything could collapse.
"Aye, that I was. I wanted to apologize for this moment at Starbucks. I realized only too late that it may have looked like I was angry at you, but I wasn't."
"You weren't?" Afraid to be blinded by love and to see only what she wanted to see, she didn't know what to think or what to believe.
"Of course I wasn't. Why would I be? You've done nothing wrong. I was angry, but not at you. I was angry at myself."
"Why?" To her, he hadn't done anything wrong either.
"Because of this joy I've felt when I heard you call my name. I'm not supposed to feel like this, not when I'm engaged to someone else. And there's also this feeling like I don't understand everything and I'm missing out on something great." Killian shook his head. "That's too complicated to explain. You said you needed to talk to me?"
Still processing his words, Emma stopped musing when she heard his question. "Yes."
She looked around. They were still standing in front of the castle, and it looked like that was the most crowded place of the park.
"Can we take a walk?" she asked.
"Sure." He nodded and, when she turned on her heel, added, "If I may, I'd choose to go on the other side. If we go this way, we'll soon reach the end of the park. On the other side, we can follow the path alongside the river."
Emma didn't need to be told twice: she turned to head towards the path he was indicating, wondering if he was willing to spend as much time in her company as she in his.
"Tell me more," Killian said, walking by her side.
"About what?"
"About anything. Everything," he said, and her confusion made him smile. "You burst into my life by knocking on my door and kissing me. That was before you said things like you love me and I love you and we need to go home, or like I've been cursed. And there's also your boy who considers me kind of his father. How could all of this be possible? Emma, I didn't want to find you only to apologize. There's not a day that goes by when I don't think of you, not a single moment when I don't ask myself all these questions about you. About us. I want to understand."
Looking at the path in front of them, Emma was trying to keep her breath steady. All this time, the man she loved had been thinking about her, and he wanted to know more. "Well, I don't know where to start. Even I don't understand everything. That's why I needed to talk to you."
"I must admit my question was rather vague. Let me be more specific. One of your questions made me think lengthily, but I am still unable to find any explanation: you asked me if Milah had a heart beating inside her chest. How is that possible? I mean, you sounded serious when you asked this question."
"To explain you this, I need to explain you everything. It might take a while, and it'd be a lot to take in." Emma was afraid that he was not ready to hear the truth; afraid that talking to him about magic and fairytales would make her sound like she was crazy, and make him run away. "Would it be enough for now if I told you that, somehow, it is possible to live without a heart?"
"And you're afraid it's the case for Milah?"
Her eyes lingered on his chest; since their meeting at the coffee shop, it was not Milah she had worried about. This fear he might be devoid of his own heart had been haunting her and she needed to make sure it was not the case.
Killian noticed and came to a stop. "And you're also wondering if mine is beating inside my chest."
Saying nothing, Emma bit her lip.
"Let me get you rid of this doubt."
His hand found hers and he softly pressed it over his chest, letting her feel his heart beating against her palm. Her eyes closed for a moment while she focused on the reassuring heartbeat and the soft touch of his hand over hers. When she looked up, he was gazing at her with a smile reminding her of the Killian she knew.
"See? My heart's where it's supposed to be."
She had got enough time to make sure his heart was in its right place, but Killian still kept her hand pressed over it. Gazing at each other, Emma lost herself in the blue oceans that were his eyes. He wanted to understand and she didn't know how to explain; maybe kissing him would fix everything; maybe this time, it would work. But she was afraid the slightest misstep would make him run away. He had to be the one initiating the kiss. She was also considering the option of calling Henry and using the magic bean to bring him back to the Enchanted Forest, but that would not solve his memory problem and, above all, she couldn't do that because it had to be his choice.
She was so deeply lost in his eyes that she didn't realize her hand was not over his heart anymore but in his own.
"I hope you realize I still have many questions to ask you," he announced while starting to walk again.
But Emma remained silent. She had her head in the clouds. None of this felt real. Killian had never been so much alike the man she knew in the Enchanted Forest, but they were having a walk in New York and he didn't remember her. She was feeling awkward for not knowing what to tell him, and for not being able to close this distance between them and remind him with a kiss or a hug how much she loved him, like they used to do. But he was holding her hand.
Inquiringly looking at her, Killian followed her gaze and, when seeing their hands, softly let go of hers.
"My apologies," he said. "It just felt… natural."
"Please… Don't apologize for this. Take it, it's yours if you want it." She held out her hand to him, but he put his inside his pocket.
"I can't," he said, sounding sorry, with his gaze shifting between her eyes and her hand.
"That's okay." Actually, it hurt, but the fact that taking her hand had felt natural to him was making up for it.
"So when will I know more about this story? I know many of my memories are missing, but I didn't realize the extent of the loss until you knocked on my door. Tell me more about us. I sense that we… we may have been close?"
His use of the past tense felt like a stab but she tried to ignore it. "Very."
"But then… How did I end up engaged to someone else if I had you?" he asked and Emma's breath caught in her throat. "You said you could explain everything."
"I can, and I will," she replied breathlessly.
"At Starbucks, you said I had been cursed," Killian went on, eager to know more. "What did you mean?"
"I meant that the truth isn't what you think it is. Your memories…"
She trailed off and he rekindled the conversation. "You also said you could help me remember."
"When you want to remember… When you're ready to remember… You will."
She glanced at his lips, thinking again of kissing them, but refrained from doing so. She wished she could tell him everything about the Enchanted Forest and about them, but she put herself in his place and knew that, if someone came to tell her what she had to tell him, she would think they're nothing but crazy. Her hand went to rest on her lower abdomen when she thought of their baby, wishing she could announce him that he was a father-to-be. But she didn't feel like he was ready to hear any of this.
"Before I say anything else," she said, "I'd like to know more about you. Your memories… How do you think you lost them?"
His eyebrows went up in surprise and he answered as if it was obvious, "The accident."
"The accident?"
"You seem to know so much about me… I thought you knew. That's how I lost everything. I've been in a coma and woke up without any memories. And without my hand."
"When did that happen?"
"I woke up about a month ago."
"You were in a coma a month ago," Emma repeated.
She had been counting the number of mornings when she had awoken without Killian by her side, and she knew he had fallen through the portal five weeks earlier. This meant that, a month earlier, she had been on the Jolly Roger with Henry and her parents. It all made sense: the Evil Queen had surely magically put him into a coma when sending him to this world, and left him unconscious for a few days.
"That even explains why the mirror didn't work," Emma thought out loud.
"What?"
"Nothing," Emma said, musing on how the mirror had remained black on the two first times when she had tried to use it to know more about Killian's whereabouts; being unconscious had undoubtedly broken the connection and it had worked, showing him at Starbucks, only after he had come out of his coma. "What happened? The accident, I mean."
"I don't remember any of it, but Milah told me I've been in a car accident. I don't know more about it, I haven't been given many details."
"Of course," Emma thought out loud once again; playing with his memories and blaming it on a car accident had probably been convenient for the Evil Queen. "Wait, Milah wasn't in a coma?"
"No. She was at home when the accident happened."
This piece of information got Emma lost in her thoughts. Her stomach tied into a knot when she considered again the option that Milah could be Regina in disguise. But maybe the Evil Queen had kept Killian unconscious while she was modifying Milah's memories and sending her to this realm, and had awoken him only when she had been ready.
"How does she react to all of this?" Emma asked. "Milah; how has she been?"
"I would lie if I said she has not been affected. I can't even imagine how difficult it must have been for her. She was at my bedside when I woke up, but I didn't even know who she was. It took me weeks to get used to this life I had forgotten almost everything about. I was feeling so lost. Milah has helped me to establish a daily routine and follow it. I was starting to find my bearings when you came into my life and turned it upside down."
"I'm sorry," Emma apologized instantly, suddenly feeling guilty.
"Don't be." Killian flashed her a reassuring smile. "My life felt wrong. Perhaps all you did was to make it right again. But to finish answering your previous question: I am not the only one who's been affected. Milah has been rather sorrowful lately. I guess I've been more absent-minded than usual and she can feel it."
Emma bit her lip. "I didn't mean to cause her any pain."
"Don't you dare apologize again," Killian interrupted with a crooked smile which quickly faded away. "If anyone is to blame, it's me."
Unwilling to see him riddled with guilt, she redirected the conversation. "What is Milah's routine? Does she have a job too?"
She and Henry had always followed Killian and had consequently no idea about her usual whereabouts.
"Not currently. She's looking for work," he answered distractedly, looking around before focusing his attention back on her. "Emma, would you fancy a drink?"
"Are you offering me a drink?" she asked, smiling unintendedly.
"Aye. I wish I could offer you more than that, but I'm afraid I can't."
Emma glanced around. She had barely been paying attention to the surroundings, but it looked like the esplanade had led them to a square bordering a little harbor.
"I'd love a drink," she announced.
A few minutes later, they were back on the esplanade, still heading north, each holding a cup of hot chocolate.
"Killian?" She waited to be sure she had his attention. "When we came to your apartment, we mentioned someone and you seemed to really dislike him… What happened with your brother?"
A muscle flexed in his jaw. "There's not much to say about him. He betrayed me by choosing our father over his brother."
Feeling like he would not expand on it, she chose to broach a less slippery subject.
"How much did you remember when you woke up?" she asked. Had Regina created him a whole new story, or had she simply erased all of his memories?
"Not much. I remembered who I was, and some stuff about my past, like my parents and my brother. But even that was rather blurry. These are old memories. I seem to have forgotten everything about the most recent years. I've forgotten so much that I even seem to have forgotten how the world works. I didn't remember how noisy and crowded streets could be. The most confusing was to walk into an apartment and being told that's home, whereas I felt like I had never been there; to see, in the living room, all these photographs of me and Milah, depicting what looked like happy moments we had spent together, whereas she was like a stranger to me. It was like I needed to learn it all again." Until then gazing at the esplanade ahead of them, Killian chuckled and turned to her. "Would you believe me if I told you I didn't even remember how to use the television or the microwave?"
"I would," she answered, chewing on her lip and wondering whether she should tell him there was a reason why he had felt like that: this was not the world he belonged to. But she just wanted to make sure he was fine. "Are you okay, now?"
"I am. I mean, I'm still struggling with all of these devices, but it's okay. I feel much better than I did a few weeks ago," he said while casually taking her hand after throwing his empty cup. "Milah was there for me, but work also helped a lot. Nothing feels more normal than sailing. Close to the water is where I feel the best. It's soothing to be there."
Wondering whether he was aware he was holding her hand, Emma kept her eyes on the esplanade, unwilling to make him notice because he would surely let go like he had done earlier. The fact he was naturally taking her hand without even noticing showed that her Killian was still there, and it filled her with joy, but at the same time was painful, reminding her of how much she missed this time when all of this was real and when he was hers.
"You know," he went on, "When I woke up, I had this feeling like there was a part of me that was missing, but now..."
He trailed off and Emma felt his gaze on her. It was so intense that it made her look at him. What she saw in his eyes was a mix of kindness and happiness, and she was about to drown in them when he shrugged and looked at the path ahead of them.
"I'm alright, now."
Overwhelmed with love for the man walking by her side, she kept gazing at his profile, at his lips stretched into a smile, and at each of his features she missed feeling under her fingers. That was when her resistance was reduced to nothing. Without thinking, she tiptoed to softly press her lips on his cheek. And regretted it instantly when he let go of her hand and froze, closing his eyes. His smile had vanished.
"I'm sorry."
"What am I doing?" he asked, keeping his eyes shut.
"I didn't mean to do that," Emma apologized, feeling like she had ruined everything.
Glancing sideways, he looked her up and down and gazed at the horizon while taking a deep breath. What she didn't know was that, when her lips had touched his cheek, a mental image of them sharing an intimate moment had settled in his mind. And what he didn't realize was that this mental image was not the fruit of his imagination due to a sublimation of repressed desires, as he thought, but a memory; the memory of the first time when it had happened.
"I should go. I… This kiss…" Guilt was imprinting his words.
"Please don't go. I don't know what has got into me. I won't do it again."
"The problem isn't you."
"That was just a kiss."
"It's what the kiss exposed."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
Tearing his gaze away from the horizon, Killian looked at her in a way that made her feel like he could drill a hole in her head.
"I enjoy being with you much more than I should, and that's wrong," he admitted. "I guess we're dealing with what is called an affair of the heart. I should be with Milah but it feels like, despite my best intentions, my heart is telling me to go to you." Hearing his own words, he made a face. "That sounds crazy."
"That doesn't sound crazy at all." Her voice was just a whisper. "That's actually the best thing I've heard since I got here."
"Perhaps saying this wasn't the right thing to do."
"Killian…"
"Because, as unfair as it may seem for the two of us, what I want and how I feel don't matter. Listening to my heart is a luxury I cannot afford."
"Killian," she tried to cut him off again, feeling unable to hear more.
"The thing is there doesn't seem to be a solution. I'm trying to pretend but I'm hurting her by living a lie. And I would hurt her even more by choosing you."
"Killian, look," she interrupted him, grabbing his arm to get both his attention and some support to keep standing. "We will find a way. There has to be a solution."
"What kind of man would that make of me? She doesn't deserve that. She's always been so kind. She loves me and wants a future with me. Yesterday, she was even talking about being pregnant."
His words made her retch and she cut him off, "Is she?"
"It appears not."
"Have you… been intimate?"
"Uh…"
"Sorry." She had been unable to refrain from asking and realized only at this moment how inappropriate that was. "You don't have to answer that."
"No, that's fine." He averted his eyes while answering. "Not since the accident. And before, I can't remember. I mean… we're sharing a bed but we… we just sleep. Milah is being rather understanding. I woke up without remembering how or why I was engaged to this woman I didn't know. I barely knew who I was. In such conditions, it's difficult to become intimate. I thought it was just a question of time, that if I had fallen in love with her before, I could do it again. But it didn't happen. It felt like there was something missing between us, and I didn't know what that was." Killian gazed at Emma again. "That is until you knocked on my door. One moment was enough to make me realize that this feeling when looking at you was what I was supposed to feel when looking at Milah…" Guilt seemed to overcome him and he looked down. "She will wonder where I am if I don't go back now."
"Then, go," she said, feeling light-headed; he had not said the three words, but it was close enough.
"There's a station nearby. Do you also need to take the subway?" he asked.
Emma pictured herself and Killian in the train; they would need to get off at different stations, meaning that they would have the time of one stop to part. If they had to say goodbye, she'd rather do it on the quiet esplanade, without anyone jostling them.
"I think I'll stay here a bit longer," she said. "But you can go if you need to."
Visibly torn, he was hesitant. "I still know nothing about you."
"This can wait until next time." Actually, she liked the concept: this way, he knew she wanted a 'next time.' He wanted answers, and they would need to see each other again for him to get them.
"When will that be?"
She shrugged. "That's up to you."
"Do you have one of these talking phones?"
"A phone? Yes, I have one."
"Would you mind entering your number, so that I can find you more easily next time?" he asked while handing her his phone. "You're probably better at this than I am."
"Of course I don't mind."
No pattern or PIN code was needed to unlock his phone. She smiled when she noticed his wallpaper seemed to be one of these images of the initial gallery; probably the one which looked the most like the ocean they used to sail back in the Enchanted Forest. Milah was until then his only contact.
Emma entered her name and her phone number before handing the device back to him. "Here."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Killian put his phone away and they awkwardly stood there, gazing at each other, none of them willing to part and both waiting for the other one to take the decision to leave. But all Emma wanted was to close the distance between them and be in his embrace she greatly missed; she was not ready to move. And it seemed like Killian was experiencing a similar feeling: on one second she was staring at him, and on the next one she found herself in his arms. Automatically wrapping hers around him, she tucked her face in the crook of his neck. When she breathed in and air filled her lungs, she felt like she had not breathed properly for weeks. There was no place like in his embrace and, even if they were in New York and he didn't remember her, it felt like home.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do or when I'll be able to see you again but, in the meantime, don't forget the problem comes from me; there's nothing wrong with you," he said, keeping her in his arms.
"Come back to me," she whispered so low that she doubted he had heard her.
Both unwilling to pull away, the hug lingered.
When Killian eventually left, Emma went to lean on the railing and gazed at the river. Overwhelmed with emotions, she thought of everything that had happened. She had come aiming at knowing more about him, and she did: despite his memory loss, he was still her Killian; the man she loved and who loved her in return. Henry had been right: the fact he kept pulling away from her was only a matter of good form and moral values. But he was in love with her, and this was all that mattered to Emma: there was still hope. It was not over. He just needed some time, but she would save him. He had never given up on her, just like she would never give up on him.