Fruitful Endeavors

By Semerket

Chapter 2: Annoying Acquaintances

"How in the hell do you know where I live now?"

It wasn't quite the greeting that Harley had been hoping for. She rocked back and on her heels anxiously as she stood in the shabby hallway just outside the door to Selina Kyle's apartment. "Sometimes Mistah J had me spy on you when he wanted me out of the hideout for a few hours."

"Did he now?" Selina made a mental note: time to relocate.

Harley glanced around nervously and lowered her voice, "Yea, but that's not why I'm here."

"What do you want?" The raven-haired woman crossed her arms. Harley showing up at her hideout felt like a violation, especially considering her inhumane treatment at the hands of her girlfriend, Poison Ivy. She also vividly recalled how Harley was more than happy to go along with it at the time. A few months and saving the city from destruction wasn't enough for Selina to get over her anger just yet.

"I… can I come in?" Selina was ready to slam the door in her face, "Please, Selina?" It was something about the desperation in her voice that made the brunette open the door.

The interior of the apartment was a stark contrast to the seedy exterior of the building. It was the definition of opulence and went perfectly with Selina's decadent personality. She wondered if she'd acquired any of these items legally. "You have a real nice place."

"Thanks." Selina shut the door behind her and ran her fingers through her short dark hair. She was wearing form-fitting black yoga pants and a snug gray tank top. Harley noted that she had probably interrupted the woman's workout. "So…" There was an awkward silence, "How have you been?"

"Oh, alright I 'spose…"

"I see." Selina continued, "I'm pretty sure you wanted something…"

"I was wonderin' if you could do me a favuh?"

"I don't do favors."

"I mean I have some stuff that I need to sell to Penguin, but I don't wanna run into Mistah J if he's at the lounge, but I really need the money."

"Why don't you send plant girl to do it? I understand you've got her wrapped around your little finger."

"No. She's got…" Harley reached for an excuse, "Other things to take care of. I just need the cash. You can have fifteen percent."

"Forty."

"Twenty?"

"How badly do you need the money?"

The blond sounded defeated, "Thirty or it ain't worth it ta me."

"Deal."

[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]

True to their arrangement, Selina handed Harley a wad of cash a block away from the Iceberg Lounge.

"Here you go." Selina winked.

"Lemme see." Harley tilted her head downward as she focused on counting the money. There was a lot more than she'd expected. Either Selina couldn't count or she had only taken fifteen percent instead of the thirty. "Kitty you-" Harley froze when she looked up, and was startled to realize that the raven haired woman was nowhere to be seen.

She counted the money again. She grinned when she realized Selina hadn't taken any. Harley chuckled at her fortune, "Aw, I love you too, Kitty."

[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]

Ivy's first step was the most obvious one: check every known clown hideout. She spent the majority the week driving all over town scouring every possible refuge that she knew of, but that was the problem. Joker had dozens of hideouts that she didn't know about and Harley might have intentionally gone to one of those, or even worse: he might be at one of them. That was actually more likely to be the case.

Arkham Asylum had only managed to keep the Joker incarcerated for several weeks following his last arrest. However, since his latest escape he had seemed content to leave Harley to her own devices, though that was probably related to the sound thrashing he'd received from Poison Ivy. It was also possible that Harley might be somewhere else entirely. Realizing that her search was likely to remain fruitless, she decided to take advantage of the best source of information she had.

[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]

Ivy nodded at the waiter as he poured her a glass of wine. God, she needed it. Where the hell was Oswald? The longer she sat in the Iceberg Lounge the higher her chances were that she might run into someone that she- Ivy's heart dropped as she saw Joker milling around and annoying people.

He always put the other rogues on edge because his insanity was so unpredictable. One minute he could be laughing, the next minute he could be shooting. Everyone humored him and gave him a wide berth so as not to set him off. Ivy knew from experience that the Penguin especially hated him, but exercised tolerance rather than exclusion as far as the clown was concerned. It was probably safer that way.

The clown's unnatural grin became wider as he spotted the 'Vixen of the Vines' sitting at a discrete table in the corner. She took a sip of her wine and pinned him with a baleful glare. There wasn't anyone in the world that she hated more. The very idea that she'd actually had to compete with him for Harley- it made her sick. If they weren't at the Iceberg Lounge she might have to kill him, but Penguin's rules were very specific about brawling in his ritzy establishment.

He swaggered over and clapped his hands excitedly, "Well! Well! Well! If it isn't Harley's favorite nanny! How is my little girl?" His inquiry immediately raised a red flag. If Joker thought that Harley was with her, then perhaps she hadn't gone to him as she assumed, or he could just be lying.

Ivy gritted her teeth and answered curtly, "She's fine."

He chuckled, "Yes, she is fine, Ivy, I'll give her that." He smiled pleasantly, or as pleasant as his twisted maw could appear to be, "So where is she?" He glanced around with a malicious glint in his eye. He may be all smiles and jokes about Harley's 'departure', but everyone knew that he resented it. He didn't actually care about her of course, but she was his.

Ivy just glared at him. She knew he wanted her to freak-out and cause a scene so she bit her tongue as a preventative measure. Then it was just a matter of bracing for impact. "What's the matter, Red? Why so glum?" She cringed internally as he used Harley's nickname for her. He pouted, "I see you didn't bring her with you. Sick of my girl already?" He sat down across from her and giggled as Ivy recoiled, causing her to sit up straighter. She looked like she was ready to toss the table at him, which she was. "I could have told you she was a handful, but now she's your problem."

"Mind your own damn business."

He laughed, "But Harley is my business. Like any responsible owner, I just want to make sure that my bitch has gone on to a nice home!" He was conversational, "I assume you've got her housetrained by now? She always did enjoy following commands. It's a shame that it could never translate into her doing things right. Oh well, now she can ruin all your carefully laid plans." He smiled chummily, "And don't even bother trying to have company over!" He slapped his face dramatically as he laughed to the point of wheezing, "Couldn't even have the Bat over without her embarrassing me!"

Joker was actually relieved to be rid of his stalker. She was such an imbecile. "I mean all the begging and neediness- it just drove me up the wall. I guess I'm just more of a," He winked at her. "Plant person."

The redhead's fingers dug into the edge of the table so hard that she could feel it beginning to splinter. She was considering the repercussions of murdering him. It was infuriating the way he described the blond like she was some worthless animal. Her Harley had the soul of an angel and he had corrupted her mind and abused her in unspeakable ways. She hadn't thought it possible, but Ivy managed to hate him even more.

"Say, she doesn't try to hump your leg does she? If it starts to get on your nerves just hit her a few times and she'll get the message." He leered at her as he laughed, "But you probably enjoy that sort of thing, don't you?"

"Go. Away."

He ignored her warning, "If you still have trouble with her a beating should suffice, but you have to be careful with that too, I know she loved it when I gave her a throttling."

"You son of a bitch!" She shrieked. Screw Penguin's rules! A clown was gonna die tonight! Ivy popped up from her seat. Just before she could wrap her hands around the clown's neck Penguin intervened.

"Ah Poison Ivy!" He said with false cheer as he stepped between them. His anxious smile screamed 'not in the club!' "It's so good to see you here as always. Why don't we discuss your business in my private office?" He gestured towards the stairs. The Joker just grinned evilly.

Without taking her eyes off of Joker she snarled at Oswald, "Fine!"

He waved at her as she stormed out of the main room. "Enjoy my leftovers, Pammy!" Her nails dug into the palm of her hands hard enough to draw blood.

As Penguin escorted her down the hall to his office he inquired politely, "So, how is Ms. Quinn doing? I heard that she stays with you now. The two of you are always welcome in my establishment." It had been a big upset in the rogue community when Harley dumped Joker for Ivy. He'd been dying for them both to make another appearance at his club.

Ivy stopped walking. He obviously didn't know that Harley had left either.

"Never mind, Oswald. I'm leaving."

[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]

Detective Montoya leaned back in her chair and stretched her arms and glanced at her watch. It was already after ten. She needed to get home already. She was just about to shut her computer off when she heard a knock on her door.

"Come in." She raised her voice.

Officer Daniels opened the door, he had a blank expression on his face. "There's someone here to see you, ma'am."

"Send them in."

Expecting this to be a routine meeting, she was more than a little shocked when notorious eco-terrorist Poison Ivy stepped inside and closed the door behind her. It took a few seconds for it to register because her skin tone wasn't its usual green hue, but it was definitely her. The abnormally bright green eyes and crimson curls gave her away immediately. Pamela Isley was a woman not easily forgotten.

Montoya was out of her seat and her hand went right for her gun.

"Wait!" Ivy put a hand up, "I'm not here for violence."

Montoya watched her like she was a grizzly bear, just waiting to swipe her head off at the slightest provocation.

"How the hell did you get in here?"

Ivy raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"You kissed Daniels? You assaulted a police officer!"

Ivy purred, "Oh please. A kiss is hardly an assault. And besides, he should have been more leery about why a woman that was so obviously out of his league would even want to kiss him in the first place. Men are such fools." Ivy said dismissively as she sat down in the chair across from her desk. She motioned to Montoya's chair. "Why don't you have a seat so we can have a civilized conversation?"

The officer blanched. Who the hell was this woman to offer her a seat in her own office? "You've got some nerve coming in here."

"I know that there aren't any active warrants for me so don't bother making threats. I remember my deal with Gordon and have been keeping my end of the bargain."

The brunette was baffled. There were other detectives she could have gone to. "So why me?"

"We…" Ivy shifted in her chair. "I believe we have a rapport."

Montoya was incredulous, "I booked you twice and that's how you define a rapport? Sweet Jesus, no wonder they sent you to Arkham." She sighed and sat down, "So what could Nature's Chosen Protector want from a detective?"

"I'm looking for someone..."

"You and me both…" The brunette muttered, "So did someone steal your petunias? Or did some kid step on your lawn?"

She hissed dangerously, "This is serious!" The detective put her hands up and listened. Her demeanor changed from anger to concern. "Someone is missing."

Montoya leaned back in her chair. What a story this was going to make. She knew she should have left at seven like she'd planned too. "You just can't find them? Or are you suggesting that they're missing? I'm not trying to be a smartass, but those are two different things."

"I can't find Harley."

Montoya sat forward immediately, "You're looking for Harley Quinn?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Her tone was accusatory.

"Because…" Ivy blushed, she didn't want to reveal too much about her personal life. Although anything was really too much as far as Ivy and the GCPD was concerned. "I'm concerned for her safety."

The detective crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. She eyed the plant woman suspiciously, "Why so concerned?"

The GCPD only knew that Ivy and Harley had worked together on a few crime sprees for a brief time. They didn't really know much beyond that. "She's Joker's girlfriend. You think he did something to her?"

It was out of her mouth before she could stop it. "She's not Joker's girlfriend!" She snapped angrily.

Not the reaction she was anticipating. The brunette blinked at her. "Ooookaaay." She nodded, "Did Quinn leave the Joker?"

"Yes, it's been several months actually. Nearly a year if you count our time at Arkham."

"Wait, wait, wait a minute." This sounded all wrong to Montoya. "So you're telling me that Quinn actually left," She said the word as though it were foreign to her, "Puddin'?" The blond's terrifying obsession with the Joker was well known.

"That's what I just said," Ivy spoke through gritted teeth, "Are you deaf as well as dumb?"

Montoya ignored the dig. Conversing with Pamela Isley was to be insulted frequently. "How do you know this?"

Ivy wasn't sure how much she should say to this woman or whether or not she could be trusted, "Because we live together."

"You live with the Joker?"

Ivy was deeply offended, "Ugh! Don't insult me!"

"So you live with Harley?" It was making a little more sense now. Just a little.

"It would be more accurate to say that Harley lives with me."

"And how long have you both lived together?" The wheels in Monotya's mind went to work on that bit of information. Roommates or girlfriends? Criminal plot gone awry or messy breakup?

"How is that relevant?"

"Look, I'd ask you no matter who you were. This is a basic question."

"She's been staying with me off and on for some time. Whenever she couldn't take his abuse anymore she'd come stay with me."

The brunette's eyebrows rose as she accepted that bit of information. That was news to the detective. "How long since she came to live with you on a permanent basis?"

"Several months." Ivy continued, "Then she left a little more than a week ago and I can't find her."

"Isn't she probably with Joker?"

She replied through gritted teeth at the mention of that monster. "No. He thinks she's still with me." And the evil clown would have relished rubbing it in her face if she had gone back to him.

"If she willingly left there's nothing I can do about that. It isn't against the law." Monotoya grumbled, "Not like manipulating police officers…"

"Can't I file a missing person's report or something?!"

"If you thought foul play was involved, yes, but from what you've described it sounds like she just… ditched you." Montoya braced herself for impact, but surprisingly, it never came.

Ivy actually looked a little sad. "I've already considered that. It wouldn't be the first time she's done this. But it was different in the past. Something is off this time. Her note was not very forthcoming."

The brunette crossed her arms and rolled her eyes, "She left you a note? Jesus, Ivy, wake the hell up. She's not missing. She just left you." Definitely a messy breakup…

She snapped, "I don't care! I want to talk to her. Can't you put out an amber alert or something?"

"She's not a minor, Ivy, and she hasn't been kidnapped. If she wanted to leave you there's nothing we can do."

"Oh for the love of- she watches the Cartoon Network and The Wonderful World of Disney all damn day. That's got to count for something!"

"Sorry. Being childlike isn't the same as being a child."

"Then what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Well, Ivy, you're not the first person to have a woman leave you. Why don't you do what the rest of us mere mortals do: have a drink and cry yourself to sleep. Now get out of my office before I have you arrested."

Ivy stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]

Ivy climbed up the ladder and moved across the roof of the police department towards the large spotlight. "I can't believe I'm actually doing this..." She muttered as she pulled a nearby lever. The spotlight clinked to life, casting the bat signal on the perpetually overcast Gotham night sky.

Ivy waited for what felt like three hours, in reality it was really only ten minutes. She started slightly when she heard a familiar grappling sound.

"It certainly took you long enough!" She grumbled towards the shadow.

The voice was hostile and accusatory, "Poison Ivy!" Robin crouched into a fighting stance. "What are you doing here?"

Ivy snarled at the young man, "Damn it! Perhaps you were unaware, but this is the bat signal- I want to speak to Batman not his intern!"

Ivy spun on her heel when she heard the deep, serious voice that she recognized as Batman. "Beggars can't be choosers."

She crossed her arms in annoyance and completely ignored the boy. "It's about time you showed up."

"What are you up too?!" Robin exclaimed from behind Ivy.

"Tell the birdbrain to go away. I need to speak to you." She demanded imperiously.

"It's okay, Robin."

"Are you sure-"

"I'll be fine."

Robin turned and grappled away to give them some privacy.